This Is Our Future

10-year-old superstar sensation Willow Smith is too busy whipping her hair that she doesn't have time to whip out stupid school books to study. Willow tells The Telegraph (via CBS) that there's no time for school shit when she's trying to focus all her energy on snatching RiRi's wig off in a bid to become the next big thing. Yeah, 2010 isn't over yet, but it's safe to say that the powers-that-be can start engraving Will and Jada's names on the PARENTS OF THE YEAR trophy. Title won!

This is what Willow had to say:

"I never really get to go to school because I am always on tour or with my father. There is a tutor most of the time, but usually I am working so I never get to do the lessons. The worst thing about maths is all the kids are ahead of me because they go to school."

Willow isn't missing anything. MATHS is for suckers! Who needs to know the answer to 2 + 2 (Don't tell me! I'm thisclose to solving it for myself!)? That's what Willow's assistants are for! Who cares if Willow can't sound out the words on her contract that read: "Your forever future earnings go into your parents' checking accounts. FOREVER!" Willow is a BIG STAR! Besides, if her career should fail for whatever reason she can just blame it on the maths.

And here's a little clip from Maury that reminds us all that 2012 isn't that far away and society is going to go out with a BANG! 13-year-old Cel’andrea (Ironically, that sort of sounds like the name of a birth control and herpes simplex drug in one which has been banned from the FDA and can only be found in certain pharmacies in Algodones, Mexico) tells Maury that she sends naked pictures of herself to boys and that SNOOKI is her idol. Yup, we're fucked.

It's a good thing that Hairspray took place in the 1960s, because Cel'andrea is exactly what Tracy Turnblad would look like if it was set in the Jersey Shore era.

via Buzzfeed

Jennifer Mee became famous for a hiccup second after she went on the Today show three years ago because the trick could not stop hiccuping! When Jennifer eventually stopped hiccuping, I knew we would see her on TV again, but I thought she would trade her hiccups in for queefs and become QUEEF WOMAN. Nope, apparently Jennifer, who is now 19-years-old, traded her hiccups in for a gun! And she allegedly used that gun to a shoot a dude dead. I know hiccups have the power to drive you to the edge of the dark side, but DAMN. Who knew hiccups are a gateway to murder.

Jennifer and two dudes were arrested in St. Petersburg, FL over the weekend after they allegedly robbed a 22-year-old man before murdering him with a gun. Police say that Jennifer is the one who lured the man into a house so they could all take his stuff. The police also said in a statement, "All three suspects admitted to their involvement and were charged with 1st degree felony murder."

Here's the report from Today:

Jennifer's mother told a radio station in Tampa that she's as shocked as the rest of us about what has become of Hiccup Girl, "I don't think she knew what was going to happen because that's not Jennifer. She's not out to hurt anyone. She is a lovable, sweet little girl who wouldn't hurt a fly."

Wouldn't hurt a fly?! Is that so? Well, what does Jennifer's mother have to say about the disastrous battle zone over her eyes? Hiccup Girl might not kill a fly, and she might not have shot a man, but she most definitely caused pain to many a brow hairs. Looking at that lopsided dreadfulness is giving my eyeballs the hiccups. One brow looking all chunky and short while the other one is on the lean side. That is some "Jack Sprat & His Wife" shit!

The judge better tack on another 25 years for that offense.

Some say that Kristen Stewart has the charisma and acting skills of a KFC chicken bone that has fallen out of a trash can in an alley way and left for the mangy cats of the neighborhood to chew on. Okay the "some" might have been me after watching two Twilight movies (I deserve your judgments) and The Runaways (I deserve your judgments, the sequel). But James Woods and the director of Welcome to the Rileys disagree with that shit and think that Kirsten Stewart's gonna needs a bigger shelf for all the Oscars she's going to collect in the future.

At a screening for WTTR, James Woods, who will be directing Kristen in her next movie, compared her to Marlon Brando and Robert DeNiro. If we ever need a poster child for the "Friends Don't Let Friends Talk About Kristen Stewart's Acting Skills While High On Coke Campaign", James Woods is it!

"The really great ones kind of submerge themselves. I always say that Kristen is like Brando, and I've always thought that she had that incredible sort of internal ability to submerge into the role and be lost in it in a good way. You know, so I see that with the best actors, DeNiro's like that, so many good actors are like that.

I have from the second I saw her in the Panic Room. I just thought this kid has something different. She just has something different.

She just has insight, that unique insight that certain people have. You're not getting a cookie cutter performance. You're getting something that you don't expect. You don't know where to go and you kind of take the ride. I think she has the potential to be one of the best of her generation if not the best."

Jake Scott, the director of Welcome to the Rileys, is marching right behind James Woods in the parade of love for Kristen Stewart's acting. Jake told MTV that Kristen's acting is like that Meryl Street stuff. By "stuff" he didn't mean the remnants of a Meryl Streep bowel movement. No, he meant she's got that thespian magic.

"She's grown up, you know. She's a woman now. She was a girl, or a young woman, when I first met her... I've known her three years and she's just become this wonderful woman. She's gonna do some um... I mean.. That's some Meryl Streep stuff, you know?"

First it was "Megan Fox is the next Katharine Hepburn" and now this?!

Since it's bound to be said in the next few months, let's just get it out of the way now. If we do it all at once it will hurt less. JUSTIN BIEBER IS THE NEW JOHN LENNON! WILLOW SMITH IS THE NEW TINA TURNER! NOAH CYRUS IS THE NEW MAE WEST!

It had to be done. Someone has taken both Sesame Street's "I Love My Hair" video and Willow Smith's neck brace anthem "Whip My Hair", thrown them into a molcajete and mashed away without regret. Acupuncturists better order child-friendly needles (think multi-colors and Troll tops) and chiropractors better learn how to do cartoon voices while making adjustments, because the rise in neck sprains in chirruns is about to rise thank to this mess!

This fall will be all about toddlers in neck braces and dizzy kids falling over. Whippin' your hair is worse than the pinata twirl. Does the Illuminati have their own wing at the Scientology Center, because Will Smith and Jada Pinkett are definitely working in the name of EVIL!

And don't waste all your outrage on this mash-up, because you know Elmo doing the Bed Intruder Song is coming soon.

via Videogum

I know that Astro's moms' Forever 21 jeans makes her ass look like a delicious double strawberry dome cake, but keep your glares to yourself or else! Better yet, Astro has a few moms (I think) so don't look at ANY moms. You don't want to tussle with the anti-MILF crusader!. Besides, you shouldn't be looking at anything since you should be whippin' your hair back and forth like that other child says.

Yes, welcome to the future where grown ass bitches take instructions from child pop and rap stars. This is how it's going to be.

via Videogum

At just 2 years old, Ardi Rizal of Indonesia is already chewing on a Nicorette pacifier and scratching at his SpongeBob nicotine patch, because he just kicked a 40 cig-a-day habit! And you think your life is hard? It's hard out there for an Indonesian toddler.

Ardi is the hardcore dumpling who caused international outrage when he was filmed working a cigarette as though the spirit of James Dean had taken over his little baby body. At the time, Ardi's parents said that he would threaten to beat them with his rattle if they stuck a bottle in his mouth instead of a ciggie. The Indonesian government offered to give the family a car if Ardi quit, but they quickly took back that offer when they realized he would probably just suck on the exhaust pipe to get his fix. So the government took Ardi away from his family and made him complete a 30-day rehab program.

Ardi is back home with his family and he's no longer asking for smokes. But the head of Indonesia's child protective services says that he needs to be kept away from hot fags and should never ever watch an episode of Mad Men or else he might start smoking again.

Ardi is just 2 years old and he's already getting international attention for completing rehab! 2 YEARS OLD! Those 20-something messes on the Hollywood stroll can sit on the curb and stay there. White Oprah is probably thinking to herself, "Where do I go wrong?"

via CNN and Jakarta Globe

Please tell me this BABY!!! is borrowing one of Snooki's own t-shirts and that The Situation isn't selling a line of tees for babies (SPOILER ALERT: he is). This is exactly why babies don't come out of the womb knowing how to read words. If this baby looked down and realized what was written on his/her shirt, he/she would never be the same again. Wasn't there a less offensive t-shirt in the store for baby to wear? Maybe an I Love The Situation I Just Made In My Diaper t-shirt?

Since The Situation thinks he's an entrepreneur, this is totally going to give him ideas. Expect The Situation to put out Muscle Milk Protein Formula for babies and fruit-flavored chewable Valtrex tablets.

CORRECTION: Carlton Jordan and E! Online both say that this isn't Chippy D's real Twitter account. This one is. So the real Chippy D never Tweeted that she's a role model to our youth. I fucked up! Apologies.

And the fake Chippy D is asking for "dirt" on me for writing this post. Tell the fake Chippy D just to visit any fast food or gay bar bathroom and you'll find my dirt all over the place. Seriously, I don't think they've been able to scrub it out yet.

The next time a junior high school is looking for a motivational speaker to tell young teens to cross college off of their things to do list and consider a career in turning tricks on the ho stroll, they should call up Laurence Fishburne's 19-year-old daughter Montana. Montana aka Chippy D has added "role model" to her resume right next to pussy peddler and porn star.

Didn't the melody to Whitney Houston's "Greatest Love Of All" just play in your head while reading that?

Violent JJ, the 5-year-old son of Insane Clown Posse's Violent J, has joined the family business and put out a video for his debut song "Bad Bad Bad (featuring DANCING RUBY!!!!)".

The junior Juggalo leaves his sippy cup filled with Faygo on the sidelines and slaps trick after trick after trick! It's a shame that this song wasn't around during Latarian Milton's glory days, because it would've been the perfect hood rat stuff anthem for him to blast in his grandmother's SUV.

via Vulture