This Is Our Future

Justin Bieber, the 15-year-old fetus boy with lesbian emo hair who is currently the new Jesus in the eyes of tweens, was scheduled to perform at Roosevelt Field Mall on Long Island today, but it was canceled after thousands of screaming girls went hysterical. They really need to start slipping Valium in school lunches.

Some girls waited over 20 hours, and by this afternoon the crowd had became too much for mall security to handle. TMZ says that shit got real when a dumb fuck employee at Abercrombie Kids shouted to the crowd that Justin was inside their store. That was the code word for the thousands of girls to bust their hymens by trampling all over each other to get inside the store. People were decapitated, the mall was set on fire and now a mob of zombie girls are terrorizing the streets of Long Island. No, but the police were called.

In the end, the event was canceled and someone in Justin's "camp" was arrested for whatever reason. Also, a young girl was taken to the nearest hospital by ambulance after she was injured. Justin took to his Twitter to beg the crazies to go home before anyone else got hurt.

I only have one question: Where in the hell was Officer Dustin and taser gun when we really needed him?!

A river of popped cherry juice and panty pudding flowed through the streets of Westwood, CA last night during the New Moon premiere. If you live in the area, you might have been wondering why your cats were howling and your dogs were meowing. Well, now you know.

You know what bothers me about kids today? They have no RESPECT for the English language. For instance, look at how that girl in the picture above completely butchered a gorgeous curse word. How do we expect our youth to be the leaders of tomorrow if they can't even curse right? I mean, what the hell is a SHIZNIT? That sounds like something you'd find on the tip of a dick after messy butt sex.

Anyway, here's some pictures from last night's premiere. Some hos were obviously only there for the free photo-op. They are: Shar Jackson, Mary Murphy, 50 Cent, Richie Sambora (with his daughter) and JLove with that Jamie Kennedy dude.

Also at the premiere were Joan Jett (to hold Kristen Stewart's "hand"), one of the wolfies, that hot piece from Glee, the Glee kids, Stephanie Meyer (the bitch responsible for all of this), a homeless man in a fancy suit, Dakota Fanning, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner.

I didn't know Frederick's of Hollywood had a prostitot Halloween section? An ensemble like this was only meant to be worn while Bret Michaels tells you that your tour ends here. It was not meant to be worn by a 9-year-old girl! When is that time machine going to be ready so it take us back to the time where 9 year-olds dressed like spooky goblins, bacon-eating robots, and lumpy pumpkins?

Here's Noah Cyrus and her friend at Jamie Lee Curtis' Halloween party yesterday dressed like....like...I don't even know. And you know, I don't want to know either! Let's not skip down that road, because Chris Hansen will probably be waiting at the end.

When Noah and her friend showed up to the party, everyone probably called it a day. They did not want to end up on some government list.

We've had a good run, but I think we should all be thrown in a convent. It's Billy Ray's fault.

Just so you know that the theme of the party wasn't "Vh1 reality stars," I threw in some pictures of Jamie Lee (as Mother Nature), the Sprouse Twins (as Brad Pitt and Shiloh) and Daryl Hannah (as your office manager on Halloween).

Lindsay Lohan tells Life & Style (via E! Online) not to worry about her 15-year-old sister partying in clubs and bars with her, because she totally can handle drunk bitches, people overdosing and skeezy old dudes flashing her on the dancefloor. Well, she is learning from the best.

The voice of reason said, "She's tougher than I am. She has a good head on her shoulders. Maybe it was different for me because I didn't know what to expect and it just happened really fast. I didn't have a big sister." Blohan also added that Ali knows when to put down the Long Island Iced Tea to finish her homeschool work, "She's really good about that. If I'm going out late, she'll go home early."

I don't even know why Ali is bothering with homeschool. She's already learning the most important skills in life from hanging around her sister. I mean, don't you wish that at the age of 15 you learned how to pump a stomach with Alka-Seltzer pills and a cocktail straw? Or how to vomit perfectly into a bottle of beer without leaving a drop? I didn't learn those life skills until I was 18! AT LEAST! Ali is totally ahead of us all.

Now we know where the wild things are! They're hiding in Mr. August's pits. And you know James Gandolfini is the voice for those hairy pit beasts. Moving on....

iCarly is a show for kids, tweens and pit lovers on Nickelodeon. I've never seen one episode, but after glancing at this calendar, I might have to get my Tivo on that shit. Apparently, iCarly's 26-year-old brother, Spencer, put together this calendar featuring European fun guys and a little boy in a tuxedo (???????). Yeah, I don't even know either. I've always had the feeling that the hos at Nickelodeon had the best kind of acid in their desk drawers, and now it's confirmed.

Disney better step up their whore game, because Nickelodeon is coming at them hard! Don't slime yourself now!

Apparently, Gumby's friend Goo and Chav Gollum had a secret love child the world never knew about it. Well, now she's all grown-up and modeling for Ralph Lauren . Naturally!

Photoshop Disasters found another work of Photoshopped fuckery courtesy of the brilliant artists at Ralph Lauren. RL already brought the sowwies for that one ad starring Filippa Hamilton, but they haven't said shit about this one which is currently on display in a department store window in Australia.

Obviously, we all need to get jobs at Ralph Lauren, because everyone there is the huffing, puffing and snorting all sorts of the BAD SHIT.

Who cares if you've only got one working eye, no hands and suffer from an overactive bladder. Ralph Lauren will still hire you to Photoshop their ads!

Do you see what Brit Brit's influence has on the children of the world!? A 9-year-old girl from Peru pretty much copied Brit's "Toxic" video shot-by-shot, outfit-by-outfit and move-by-move (insert THIS FACE here).

The thing is, she didn't do it with just a camcorder in her parents' garage. This had a bigger budget than Brit's "Gimme More" video. This shit is expensive! My guess is that homegirl's parents paid the bills for this mess. Or maybe Roman Polanski is making music videos now? Really, I can't.

And when you get to the part with the boy on a motorcycle, just shut down your computer, pull the power cord out of the wall and go weep in the dark. Actually, you'll probably start weeping right at the beginning.

Well, at least she lip-synchs better than Brit. Okay, back to weeping.

(Thanks Zaire)