THIRSTAY

Melissa Etheridge is currently dating her estranged wife's best friend, Nurse Jackie creator Linda Wallem (on the left), and so you know Tammy Lynn Michaels Etheridge has some real shit to say about this. But before we dive head first into another one of Tammy's literary work of lesbian realness, let's get the supposed facts about Melissa's new partner in pussy from People (or Pooper, as Tammy calls it).

One of Melissa's friends say that she's been close to Linda for almost 10 years. Linda served as Melissa's best woman during her wedding to Tammy and they got together 3 months after her marriage jumped out the window and caught a ride on the exhaust pipe of a bus heading far far away. So according to the friend, Melissa and Linda have been together for about 9 months. These are not the facts according to Tammy Etheridge.

In a blog post titled "speak, spread walk the talk", Tammy writes that People's story has been scrubbed of any escandaloso filth that will make Melissa look like a heartless wife who passed her poon long before her marriage officially ended. Tammy says in late 2009, she had a "something in the milk ain't clean" moment when Melissa's assistant accidentally delivered a box of shiny new dildos to her house. Tammy writes:

i moved out november 23rd 2009
she said it would help
i was convinced it would
too and i trusted there was
no one else
i didn't know
there was someone moving in
as i was moving out

indeed

three weeks later a box of new toys
was delivered and her assistant brought
it to my rental house as a mistake
i opened it
and that's when i felt something was up

i called her
"i have your new dicks on my kitchen counter?"

one thing by one thing
i slowly felt things were not
as
they were being represented

Nothing says "out with the old vagina dust and in with the new" like a box of new dicks. By the way, every time I pick up the phone I long to hear the beautiful words, "I have your new dicks on my kitchen counter." Fuck granite, I want new dicks for a kitchen countertop.

Tammy goes on to write that after she listened to Melissa's new album, she knew what was really going down. Tammy begged Melissa to not let the news of her new piece get out until after the album was released. Melissa's album comes out in three weeks, so Tammy's begging really paid off. Tammy then sharpens her key strokes and goes after People.

so. you know. people magazine tries to get things right. they try to
clean things up for the famous folk- their sources are usually the publicist
for the celebrity. i'm here to clarify. well... i want to clarify without
dealing with getting sued for SLANDER (and paying someone), which would include
me saying that the two were involved while I was living there (it is still my house, by the way).
and i haven't gone just that far yet.

since april of 09? mmm.... one of my little sweet peas told me otherwise much
earlier than that, Pooper magazine.

they should have shut the bedroom door.

and once again... if we're going to have little "leaks" and such... let's make them truthful?

perhaps folks out there are going to start doing math. "speak true and spread the peace" of 2010
i kept this to myself last summer. maybe i shouldnt have- it would have explained another reason
why there was so much bitterness in my cray-cray crazy blogs. i couldn't believe someone would have a
saying, and motto to ask people to buy and live by, but not oneself?

spread the peace? speak true.

and i found better friends. real friends.

and most importantly to me: the kids are alright.

......

in other words-
it's not news
nothing new for me
only you guys-
i found out last year
long ago
and kept my mouth shut
for some reason
i'm interesting like that:
i'd rather squirm in rage
and look crazy
than open my mouth
about someone's secret
i guess?
i don't know.
but i knew this
last summer
and before
no news
no "new couple!"
try again, pooper magazine.
almost only counts in horseshoes, right?
:)

Tammy also has a new somebody in her life, but she doesn't say who. My nerves already look like a splintery tooth pick and I've never cared about the state of my one working brain cell, so I really hope the new somebody in Tammy's life is Courtney Love. Imagine the sweet rambling blog posts they'd make together? Actually, don't imagine that unless you have a tongue depressor and a shot of methaqualone handy.

And when the hell is Hollywood going to turn Tammy's blog into a feature film starring Julianne Moore, Annette Bening and Mark Ruffalo (he can put on a wig to play Linda)?!

(Thanks Lauren Ashley)

T.I. must report to a court room tomorrow morning to face the shit for violating his probation by getting caught with the wrong stuff and Purple Drank in Los Angeles early last month. T.I. will now glide into the court room holding a shiny gold "Captain Save-A-Ho" belt over his head. That's because T.I. talked a man off the ledge of a building in Atlanta yesterday! No, the man was not Tiny's second cousin twice removed who was paid with mobile minutes and a gas card. The man wanted to jump his way to the afterworld, but T.I. turned on his halo and put out his lifesaving hand!

TMZ says that a man threatened to jump from a building where Ryan Cameron's radio show is based. T.I. heard about it on the radio and immediately called in to Ryan Cameron to see if there was anything he could do. Ryan asked T.I. to twirl into his superhero outfit and fly on over to the station. When T.I. got there he recorded a heartfelt "DON'T DO IT" video message. After the police played the message for the man, he agreed to step down and meet T.I. in the lobby for a talk. The police are not pressing charges against the man.

I'm not saying that this was a staged stunt to show the judge that humanity will fall apart if T.I.'s thrown into a prison cell again. I'm not saying that. But I am saying that an idea has just formed in the empty liquor store we all know as White Oprah's head. Two days before Lindsay Lohan's next probation hearing, we will all read the TMZ headline: "LINDSAY LOHAN SAVES A CAT IN A TREE." Only it won't be a real cat, it will be Ali Lohan in the sexy tiger costume White Oprah used to wear during her alleged strippin' days.

If yesterday you told me I'd be posting about Iron Maiden today, I'd tell you to stick a clit in my nostril and shut up. But here I am writing about Iron Maiden. Although, this is about more than Iron Maiden, it's about booooooooze too!

Iron Maiden partied at a bar in Norway the other night and their $3275 bar tab receipt has made its way onto the internet. Who knew that Iron Maiden sucked on more slippery nipples than Gerard Butler at one of his pool parties? Not I.

So there you go, now you know what Iron Maiden drinks every night. It's also safe to say that this is exactly what Amy Wino's "happy hour for 1" receipt looks like.

Source: Reddit via TDW

The smoking toddler now has a homey to hang out with on their tricycles in front of the strip club. At a Phillies game the other day, the camera caught a little blonde boy taking a sip of beer from a bottle. You know his parents were pissed. Now who's going to blow into the breathalyzer to start the car?! That selfish drunk brat. No more Happy Hour for him for the rest of the week!

But seriously, that boy should wait a couple more years before getting into the sweet nectar. Maybe he should try walking 12 steps before he has to enter a 12 step program.

And Radar says that Child Protective Services is looking for this boy's parents. QUICK! Boy better gargle with toothpaste water before CPS knocks on his door.

Click here if you can't see the video above

Lindsay Lohan was/is an actress, singer, leggings entrepreneur, crash test dummy, chemist and the unofficial face of D.A.R.E. Now Lindsay can add "dancefloor clearer" to her long list of accomplishments!

On Wednesday night in London, Blohan was the celebrity DJ along with DJ Gareth Geno at Nokia's X6 launch party. Radar reports that Blohan's gig was a bust and she cleared the dancefloor faster than Snooki's crotch. One party ho said, "Lindsay was clearly struggling to play the set on her own and had to ask Gareth for help. She seemed like a total drunken, incoherent mess. It was really embarrassing to watch. You could tell she didn't know what she was doing. Lindsay constantly had a drink in her hand the whole time she was playing."

I guess Lindsay thinks that just because she munched on SamRo's salmon pot pie for all those years, she suddenly has what it takes to be a DJ. The saying "You are what you eat" does not ring true in this instance.

And what do people expect anyway? When you order up a Lindsay Lohan, you're going to get a giant serving of "drunk incoherent mess." That's just the way it is. My guess is that Nokia wanted to jump on the whole "grandmas as DJs" bandwagon, but they couldn't afford DJ Ruth.

Goldie Hawn is a ho of a certain age in Hollywood whose face isn't stretched all the way to the top of her ass crack, so kadooze (in Ramona's voice) to her for that! However, I just want to stuff Goldie into a cocoa butter bottle and shake shake shake SHAKE! Goldie is looking rather tumbleweed-ish. Homegirl is parched!

Goldie and her boo for life sashayed into a gas station in California yesterday, and hopefully she was there to pick up some damn lip balm. It is your friend, Goldie. Rub if on your lips (all three of 'em), face, hair, eyeballs, nippies, taint, armpits....EVERYWHERE!