Ellen Degeneres

Paula Abdul showed those idiotic American Idol producers just exactly what they're missing out at last night's DIVA Live concert. You can't put a price on this kind of potent crazy. Paula, who hosted the show, poked at Ellen Degeneres' prune box by dressing up as her and imitating her "penguin with hemorrhoids" moves to perfection. And it was nice of Kim Zolciak to lend her weekend merkin (for when Big Poppa wants a little fur on his teeth) to Paula Abdul to wear as a head wig.

Before Paula channeled her inner perky butchie, she opened the show with a medley of her greatest hits (below) and this is going to go down in lip-synch HISTORY. I don't even think Paula was moving her lips. But in her defense, her mouth was probably numb due to mixing massive amounts of Tijuana-bought Vicodin, daytime Benadryl and Pepsi Zero.

My favorite moment of the entire show is when Paula almost stumbled into the audience at the 1:14 mark. YES! Ellen could never do the pill popper stumble even if she tried.

Paula's performance could also double as a live re-creation of the Hindenburg disaster.

When I first heard that Ellen Degeneres was going to replace our favorite loopy pill popper on American Idol, I immediately said a small prayer for Paul's medicine cabinet, because I knew it was going to get messed up majorly during her meltdown. If Paula did freak out like Wino during a full moon, then she quickly brushed the Vicodin dust off of her, downed a Red Bull and pulled it together long enough to issue this statement about being replaced:

"American Idol is a fantastic show that offers an invaluable platform to young talent. Ellen DeGeneres is wildly funny and talented in her own right. I wish her and the show only the best of luck."

If only statements came in 3D. This one would be filled with side-eyes, stumbles, slurring, middle fingers and spitting. Paula is probably just playing nice to throw producers off into thinking she's going to behave. That way it will be easy for her to hide between Simon Cowell's fur titties before the season premiere and pop out when they all least expect it! You can't keep a crazy down. Ever!

VIA E!

What in the huh in the what in the fuck?! The producers of American Idol must have found the emergency stash Paula Abdul left behind in her dressing room and had themselves a major party where they somehow came up with the idea to cast Ellen Degeneres as the fourth judge! I mean, this is some shit you come up with when you're riding high on the bad shit! And no, September 9th is not the new April 1st.

Ellen and Fox both announced tonight that she will replace Paula Abdul starting this season. Ellen said this:

"I'm thrilled to be the new judge on American Idol. I've watched since the beginning, and I've always been a huge fan. So getting this job is a dream come true, and think of all the money I'll save from not having to text in my vote. Hopefully I'm the people's point of view because I'm just like you. I sit at home and I watch it. … I'm not looking at it in a critical way from the producer's mind. I'm looking at it as a person who is going to buy the music and is going to relate to that person. I'm going to have a day job and a night job. The times we're living in ... we're all doing that."

I just hope that either Ellen or Ryan Gaycrest dye their hair another color, because we are going to have a bitch of a time trying to figure out who is who!

You just know the big stack of money Fox handed over to Ellen is ten times bigger than the one they offered to Paula. Oh, shit. I shouldn't have said that. Now Paula is really going to have the meltdown of all meltdowns. All pharmacies, back alley dealers and medicine cabinets should immediately go on HIGH ALERT! Paula Abdul will be on the loose tonight!

And for those of you wondering if Ellen Degeneres has any singing experience, I present this to you: