Ellen Degeneres

It's nice to see that the Grammys still aren't about recognizing the best talent in music (see: Carly Rae Jepsen's nomination) and still all about what's really important: TITTY BALLS! While giving us her best Priscilla Presley circa 1969 cosplay, Katy Perry also gave us chichis for days and Ellen Degeneres just couldn't help getting all up in there with her eyeballs as a butchified Portia de Rossi laughed next to her. If you stare at that picture long enough, you can almost see Ellen's eyeballs pop out of their sockets like a cartoon cat. Ellen is either motorboating with her eyes or she can't believe that certified douche bag John Mayer, who was wearing one of Willy Wonka's old suits, gets suffocate himself in Katy Perry's magnificent chichis every single night.

And yeah, when Ellen Degeneres humps Katy's titties with her eyes, everybody laughs and calls her a comedic genius. But if a straight dude did it, he'd get a punch to the eye and a restraining order. So if you see Gerard Butler and Mel Gibson trolling around with a tiny blond wig on their heads, a fitted blazer on their bodies and a Home Depot card stuck in their pockets, you know what they're up to.

Normally when I see bitches making out in public, my lonely, bitter ass side eyes the shit out of them and mumbles "get a room" into my cheap light beer. But somehow these pics of Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi hugging each other up on the beach in St. Barts aren't bothering me. They're even kind of...romantic and cute? Ugh, slap me.

After the "I hate your ass" pictures of Kim and Kanye and the MEH shots of Jennifer and Justin over the past couple of days, it's nice to see a couple looking like they actually have a damn to give about each other. Not you, Chris and Riri, sit your asses down. Look at them, lovingly holding hands and playing in the surf like a couple of kids. And now I'm off to barf my guts up from the sickening sweet shit I just wrote. I think the holiday spirit has wrecked my brains.

Wait. Gossip Cop (quoting the National Enquirer so you know it's FACT) says that because of Ellen's career, the couple is being driven apart. So, this is an obvious attempt by them to trick us all into believing that their love is twuuuuue and they're not slap fighting as soon as the cameras of off. Ah, suspicion and contempt. That feels better.

Seen here licking up the dollar signs that regularly blow out of Pimp Mama Kris' ass at Ellen K's Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony last week, Ryan Seacrest is moving out of his Hobbit cottage and into a gigantic ass estate that's almost bigger than his home village of Hobbiton in the Shire. Both the Hollywood Reporter and TMZ say that Ryan is now the proud owner of Ellen Degeneres' $49 million compound. It's the estate that the Kuntrashians and American Idol bought!

TMZ is hearing that Ryan is paying only a couple million dollars below asking, but a different source tells THR that Joel McHale's littlest arch rival is paying far from asking. It doesn't matter if Ryan paid with a giant pot of gold or with an adorable leprechaun jig, he's still calling three acres in Beverly Hills "home." On the three acres is a 9,200-square-foot mansion, a 3-bedroom house, 2 guest houses and a pool that Ryan may drown in if he forgets to wear his water wings. Ellen bought the place in 2007 for $29 million and spent five years and several million dollars building the other properties on the estate. Ellen listed it a year ago for $60 million but later reduced that shit to $49 million. Real estate agent Kurt Rappaport worked out the deal for both Ellen AND Ryan, so if you're related to him now is the time to ask for a loan you won't pay back.

This is a big estate for such a tiny man boy, but Ryan needs the room! The goats he sacrifices to Lucifer to keep the Kuntrashians on top of the whore chain will stay in one house, his beards will stay in another and he and his relatives will use the third house to make the delicious Fudge Stripe cookies we all love. But seriously, screw Ryan for this. Ryan infected humanity with the oozing, pus-filled ass wart that is the Kuntrashians and this is how he's punished? With a multi-million dollar palace? I hope that every time he shuts his tiny eyelids in that place, Ray J's boomerang dick haunts his dreams. Actually, I don't think he'd mind that...

Here's a few pictures of Ryan's new leprechaun kingdom and a few more from Ellen K's Walk of Fame ceremony. It's been a long minute since I've seen Ellen K. When did she become a mash-up of every Real Housewife of Orange County?

In case you couldn't tell from the sound of a million crazed Beliebers turkey basting themselves with beaver sperm so that in a few months they can claim they're knocked up with Justin Bieber's child without facing statutory rape charges, he's legal today! Justin Bieber celebrated the 18th anniversary of the day the heavens queefed him into the heart of Canada by going on Ellen to promote his 18th birthday. Ellen told Bieber that she had a surprise for him and then spewed out a long river of bullshit.

Ellen said that Bieber has done so much for people (insert Mother Teresa eye roll here), has visited sick children in the hospital (insert Princess Diana eye roll here) and that he doesn't do anything for himself (insert the world's population simultaneously eye rolling here). Yes, because buying two multi-million dollar mansions is Justin's way of doing nothing for himself, Ellen. Ellen then brought out Justin's manager Scooter (note: you know some NOT RIGHT shit is going to go down when someone named Scooter comes out) to give him a special birthday gift: a $100,000 Fisker Karma! The audience cheered like they were happy for Justin and shit, but I'm sorry....

If I was in that audience, I would've taken off my shoes and thrown them at that car. Fuck that shit. This is not how the game is supposed to go. The audience has to watch that spoiled ass, chipmunk looking multimillionaire functional fetus get a $100,000 car as a gift while their Toyota Tercel with a broken taillight and a stuck window is waiting for them in the parking lot? I don't know if the audience got anything, but I know they didn't get a car. Oprah needs to smack Ellen down for this shit. This is not in the talk show bible. Oprah would never be like, "Justin, YOU get a car AND.....everybody else you get your parking validated for 1 hour and you've been here for 2 so if you don't have cash on you there's an ATM in the lobby."

And you know Scooter also gave Justin a diamond-encrusted extension pedal since his feet can't reach.

Because Lindsay Lohan is allergic to being somewhat fucking responsible, she missed her flight to L.A. and had to skip her appearance on Ellen yesterday. So Ellen needed someone to fill in for that freckled tornado of dumb and they asked Paris Jackson of all people. Paris Jackson was on there to promote being Paris Jackson, I guess, because she mostly just talked about her father, her life with her father and her life now. I think I've said this before, but Paris Jackson seems very normal and well-adjusted, which is surprising since she comes from one of America's first families of crazy. Maybe Auntie La Toya gave her some priceless advice by telling her to let the crazy simmer for a while and then let it explode when she turns 17.

Here's what Paris had to say about feeling stupid while wearing those disguises and other things:

On those masks: "Yeah, I'm like, 'This is stupid; why am I wearing a mask?' But I kind of realized the older I got, like, he only tried to protect us and he'd explain that to us, too."

On leaving homeschool for a regular school: "I love it. It's definitely a different experience. ... I do have like a regular childhood. I mean, I'm treated the same. When I came to Buckley (her school) they didn't know who I was. I was like, 'Yes, I have a chance to be normal.' "

On how Michael Jackson talk her how to act: "We would do improv together. He would give us little scenarios. He would (say), 'OK, in this scene you're going to cry' and I'd cry on the spot."

On the most memorable thing he ever said to her: "He said, 'If I die tomorrow always remember what I told you.' I took his advice and I remembered everything he told me."

See. Kind of normal. Not once did she talk about how Auntie La Toya drags her to Bubbles' sanctuary and makes her act out scenes from the "Leave Me Alone" video to relive the glory of the old days. Maybe Paris is saving that for the tell-all. Speaking of, it sort of pisses me off when children of celebrities go on talk shows to talk about their lives as celebrity children. Save those stories for the tell-all! You're not supposed to give everything away for free. Haven't we learned anything from Christina Crawford? Put it all in a tell-all and then maybe Faye Dunaway will play your parent in the movie. If Suri starts giving interviews to Diane Sawyer before her tell-all comes out, I'll never forgive her.

via People

No. That headline is joking (no, it's not). Whichever line on the wooden ruler Ashton Kutcher's dick tip touches is between him and those nude colored chonies he's wearing. But I wouldn't say you were lying if you said that Ashton's peen is 5lbs of sugar in a 15lb pixelated sack.

Acting out the beginning of the classic joke "a nekkid douche Jesus and a happy lesbian walk into a green room," Ashton brought his nipples out for Ellen Degeneres in an episode of her show airing sometime next week. That box of pixels would look a lot better if it floated up and covered that mangy curled squirrel around his chin, but I still have to give this dick bag credit for selling a show the right way. WITH NIPPLES! MAH BOO, take note!

via People

On the left is Disney Jr.'s production of The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love, and on the right is the epitome of gayelle love Portia de Rossi and her wife Ellen Degeneres at the totally pointless Teen Choice Awards in L.A. last night. You know, I've always made stupid jokes about how Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are the Muppet Babies (or the toddler brunette) version of Portia & Ellen and were only created to teach the children that lesbian love is a beautiful thing despite what the Faces of Crazy say, but this proves that there's a method to my incoherent ramblings (not really).

This also proves that we can finally get rid of Justin Bieber and send him back to the Canadian Hasbro factory from which he came from if we can only get Usher to buy Ellen's soul when the Canadian dollar dips below the US dollar so that he train her to yodel like a newborn puppy and thrust like a kitten having a seizure. Because if this doesn't happen, it will only be a matter of time before the apocalypse is summoned when Usher agrees to be Justin & Selena's sperm donor. Someone should get on that.

So last night was the Teen Choice Awards, which is only around to remind us that teens shouldn't vote for shit. I mean, voting to give Taylor Swift a lifetime achievement award is making Uncle Sam switch fingers.

Here's a bunch of pictures of some hos you didn't know existed, forgot existed or wish didn't exist. In order: Ty Ty Baby, The Lesbeaver, Rachel Bilson, Rebecca Black, Fergie, Selena Gomez, Ashley Greene, the Kardashian harem, Kowlina Kardashian, Sean Kingston, Blake Lively, Demi Lovato, that one from Glee, Raven, Taylor "Making Marilyn Roll In Her Grave" Swift, Cameron Diaz, Ian Somerhalder, Rupert Grint, Portia & Ellen Jr. and Portia & Ellen.

Portia de Rossi (aka forever Mandy Rogers of Horsham to me) must be seriously in love, OR SOMETHING, with Ellen Degeneres, because how did she let her leave the 5-star hotel looking like Larry David starring in a remake of Cocoon in the Wilford Brimley role? If you really love someone, you'd gently pull that hat off their head and slap their face with it before sticking that entire outfit in the in-sink-erator.

Here's more of Portia and Ellen doing rich people stuff in St. Barts over the weekend. Ugh. I'm surprised Ellen didn't go FULL FUG by carrying a dark-sided CROCS tote.

Portia de Rossi was brought into this world as Amanda Lee Rogers, but she legally glamourized her name when she was 15 and now she's switching that shit up again. TMZ reports that Portia wants to be known as Portia Lee James DeGeneres from now on and is asking the court to grant this. Portia and Ellen DeGeneres got married two years ago.

I know that Portia is changing her name for love, but I still don't understand! Why would you ever want to be known as something other than Portia de Rossi?! Portia de Rossi sounds like the name of a split bottle of wine you might find in a mini-fridge at a Radisson. Portia de Rossi sounds like the name of an Italian contessa who has come to Falcon Crest to seek revenge on Melissa Agretti. Portia de Rossi sounds like the name of the body wash your grandma gave you for Christmas.

Portia de Rossi is the best made up name ever! Can't Ellen change her name to Ellen de Rossi instead?

Ellen Degeneres is following Simon Cowell and his delectable fur titties through the exit door and will not return to American Idol next season. That means Ryan Gaycrest will be the lone beautiful blonde lesbian in the building. Ellen explained it like this on her site:

A couple months ago, I let FOX and the "American Idol" producers know that this didn't feel like the right fit for me. I told them I wouldn't leave them in a bind and that I would hold off on doing anything until they were able to figure out where they wanted to take the panel next. It was a difficult decision to make, but my work schedule became more than I bargained for. I also realized this season that while I love discovering, supporting and nurturing young talent, it was hard for me to judge people and sometimes hurt their feelings. I loved the experience working on "Idol" and I am very grateful for the year I had. I am a huge fan of the show and will continue to be.

Now if the producers will just lure Paula Abdul back with the promise of installing a Vicodin vending machine in her dressing room. Specifically, an easy to use Vicodin vending machine since Paula can't even use a Pez dispenser without calling the Geek Squad. Actually, fuck American Idol. Fox should just produce a reality show about Paula Abdul trying to figure out how to work a vending machine.