Twilight

Below is the first trailer for Twilight: Breaking Hymens with a Typhoon of Cooch Cream, which I'm sure millions of Twihards have already tried to legally marry on the Internet so that they can scoot naked all over in it in good conscious.

And above is the Twihard of all Twihards, Nutty Madam, giving her reaction to this mess while she's watching it. Nutty Madam took a break from answering phones for Dr. Fleischman to give a full body quivering orgasm that probably made her chair break the same way RPattz broke that damn bed. Yes, Nutty Madam turned up the fuckery for melodramatic purposes since she's an Internet star now, but still. In a matter of minutes, bitch's face is taking us from "falling in love with a puppy" to "watching a puppy get disemboweled."

And then when they get to the sex shit, lord. I bet Nutty Madam's cats were doing the backstroke in a river of panty pudding below her.

Seriously, that shit should be the real trailer.

You can stop clogging up the phone lines from calling organizations to see if part of your donation goes towards saving the Twilight cast, because People is reporting that Taylor Lautner and Kristen Stewart were all safely evacuated from Vancouver Island today. There was no major threat to Vancouver Island, but a rep says they were shuffled out of there as a safety precaution. But Tinsel Korey, who plays Emily in that mess, still prepared for the worse by Tweeting her final goodbye.

I mean. I just. You know. Are we really living in the age where hos dramatic final Tweetologues end with an emoticon? Just. No words. The end. Hugz.

Meet 49-year-old Cathy Ward, a devout Twihard who is so devoted to her gods Edward, Bella and Jacob that she created a tattoo altar to them on her back. "Well, I guess it's missionary and front cowgirl for the rest of our marriage." - Cathy's husband of 18 years

Cathy, a bakery clerk from Reading, Berkshire in England, spent 22 hours of her time on a tattoo artist's table and £2,000 from her savings account to pay homage to CRAZY...and her idols. Cathy says that she owes everything to the Twilight characters since they helped her lose some chunk. You see, Cathy stopped licking cream off the cakes at work and instead made her own batch of coochie cream from reading all the books. Coochie cream must be loaded with fat cells, because Cathy dropped 14 dress sizes in only 6 months.

Cathy isn't done with Twittoo fuckery, either. Cathy is already making plans to get Edward inked onto her belly. Cathy explains to the Daily Mail, "I love Robert Pattinson. I want to tone up so I can get his character Edward Cullen on my stomach. The way I look at it I could be spending the money on going out drinking and eating but instead I'm spending it on something I am really passionate about. I have got a cross trainer, rowing machine and hand weights and I work out in my spare room which has got Twilight pictures all over the walls. I watch the films or listen to the soundtracks as I exercise. It has worked miracles. I have never been more positive, more outgoing, fit and never had so much fun in my life."

Doesn't it sort of look like Bella is rising out of Cathy's ass crack to kiss Edward? Do with that what you will. You know, I could sit here and waste key stroke after key stroke on judging Cathy's life choices, but I just can't do it. I mean, how can I throw hate at a woman who keeps a beautiful portrait of a ginger kitty over her mirror? Cathy obviously has impeccable taste.

To recap: Cathy has a beautiful portrait of a ginger kitty over her mirror. Your argument is invalid.

To me the cover of the first Twilight book is a warning that turning the first page is the equivalent of biting into a poisonous apple that will leave you foaming at the genitals and howling through the snatch at anything RPattz-related. Well, believe it or not the hands on the cover don't belong to one of Satan's minions. They belong to an actual person who wants it known that she's been an important part of the sadistic cult that has eaten the souls of our youth (and our youths' mothers).

40-year-old Massage therapist/hand and foot model Kimbra Hickey gave an interview to The New York Post about how she's hoping to turn her Twilight gig into something bigger. Psychiatrists can quote this interview in The American Journal of Psychiatry when talking about the mental disease that is famewhorenia. Seriously, this mess is that good. Read for yourself:

Whenever Kimbra sees someone reading the book on the subway, she bothers their asses to let them know those are her hands on the cover. Kimbra put it mildly, "I'm sure they think I'm crazy -- a crazy lady on the subway."

One of Kimbra's favorite pastimes is hanging out at the Barnes & Nobles near her Greenwich Village apartment and attacking bitches who are about to buy Twilight. Kimbra will gladly sign their book or let them trace her hands on the inside jacket.

Kimbra carries a Gala apple in her purse in case a Twihard asks her to recreate the pose live and in person.

Kimbra sells apple-scented hand lotion at Twihard conventions around the country.

Kimbra is trying to track down Twilight's casting director to get a role in the last movie, "If I could get a little background part, it would be fantastic, even if they only wanted my hands in it." Hand jobbing your way to fame: You're doing it wrong, Kimbra.

"Crazier than a Twilight hand model" is the new "Crazier than an unmedicated Twitard."

But Kimbra is still one brave crazy. I mean, one day she's going to run into the wrong amputee Twihard who is going to try to gnaw off her arms with their fake vampire teeth so they can attach that shit to their stumps. "I can't wait!" - Kimbra

Thousands of Twitwards of all ages are soothing their sore and raw vaginas with ice packs this morning, because they simultaneously lost their virginity at last night's Twilight: Eclipse premiere in Los Angeles. Pussies got the seizures like they were being zapped with a taser. I bet the ground outside of the Nokia Theater looks like it's covered in popped and melted chocolate covered cherries. Don't let a memaw near that place, because that is not real chocolate covered cherry goo.

Some Twitards even camped out for days just to get a tiny piece of RPattz and Taylor Lautner. And even though RPattz showed up dressed like a car valet at a Ron Burgundy-themed restaurant, bitches still blew the chocha crema all over the place. I mean, look at that Twihard in the picture above. Bitch just can't help but pretend to give head to an imaginary sparkle peen while in the presence of her wet dream co-star! Give all those bitches the Q-Tip. You can dip it in glitter first if that's how they want it.

Here's more pictures from last night's panty pudding explosion. In order: RPattz, Taylor Lautner, Kristen Stewart (looking like she was on the wet end of a Tastykake Snowball bukkake), AnnaLynne McCord, Kellan Lutz, Dakota Fanning, Ashley Greene and Nikki Reed (in something she snatched from Johnny Weir's reject pile).

When you can let the most devoted Twihard in the mental ward watch it for you! Nutty Madam is back again to give you her thoughts on the new full-length trailer for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.

Don't let her "demon devouring your soul" roar scare you off. Just calmly put your throat back in your neck, talk your ears off the ledge and continue watching. Actually, don't talk your ears off the ledge until you finish watching this, because Nutty Madam's high-pitched screeches can wake Marlee Matlin up from her afternoon nap.

Also, don't let your mind wander to the gallery featuring images of what's going on with Nutty Madam's down low area while she watches this trailer. If you go to that place, the doors will lock behind you, and you won't be able to get back. Just don't buy a ticket for that exhibit and you'll be fine. I think.

(Thanks John)

This is the 10 second preview for the teaser trailer for Twilight: Eclipse. Crazy.

So let's run down this:

Actual movie = squirting orgasm
Theatrical trailer = sticking the tip in
Teaser trailer = hand job and clit rub
10 second preview for teaser trailer = finger bang (but just to the nail)

DAMN! Summit is really making these Twihards squirm for it. They should at least pass out bottles of sparkly Twilight lube, because those poor hos are going to be dryer than Gary Coleman's skin by the time the actual movie comes out.

Now about this 10-second finger bang. Taylor Lautner needs to work on his romance-talk. I mean: "I'll fight for you until your heart starts beating." I know he's saying until she turns into a vampire, but STILL! That's not how you love up a bitch with words. If my heart stops beating first, you obviously didn't fight hard enough. If you loved me like that, you would punch tricks for me until YOUR HEART quit it. Stop lying.

via Coming Soon

Kinko's will be busier than Lil' Wayne's sperm fishes in the next few weeks, because Twihards and Twimoms (UGH) will be getting all their copies of Taylor Lautner's Rolling Stone cover laminated to protect it from...um...stuff.

IN THIS ECONOMY, Rolling Stone should be maximizing their profits by selling this cover in panties and dildo form. I mean, we already know what those horny Twihards are going to do with this magazine, so Rolling Stone would be saving them from suffering a dozen unfortunate paper cuts.

And if this makes you uncomfortable, just focus on the giant brown peen head growing out of the back of his head. I'm hot helping.

via The Frisky

New Moon made a little over $140 million this weekend, giving it the third-biggest opening weekend of all-time behind The Dark Knight ($158.3 million) and Spider-Man 3 ($151.1 million).

On Friday, New Moon also set the record for the biggest single day opening with $72.7 million. AND it holds ANOTHER record for most advance ticket sales.

My guess is that the massive amounts of extra-chunky panty pudding that were produced while watching this mess also broke records. Seriously IN THIS ECONOMY, Swiss Miss should've been on hand to scoop up the millions of gallons of crotch custard off theater floors. They would've been set for the next 10 years.

Unfortunately, my ass didn't get to see New Moon yet, because movie theaters still don't sell pot brownies, absinthe slushies or peyote-laced popcorn at their concession stands.

Here's the rest of the weekend box office. One of the big surprises is that people actually went to go see Sandra Bullock's busted ass Kathie Lee Gifford wig in The Blind Side.

1. The Twilight Saga: New Moon - $140.7 million
2. The Blind Side - $34.5 million
3. 2012 - $26.5 million
4. Planet 51 - $12.6 million
5. A Christmas Carol - $12.2 million
6. Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" - $11 million
7. The Men Who Stare at Goats - $2.7 million
8. Couples Retreat - $1.9 million
9. The Fourth Kind - $1.7 million
10. Law Abiding Citizen - $1.6 million

Source: Box Office Mojo

Whenever I watch a Miley Cyrus interview, I close my eyes and think of an old lady with pink hair chain-smoking Lady Diamond cigarettes while sitting in front of her trailer on a broken down chair she got on special from Pic 'n' Save. It makes listening to that shit much more bearable.

Anyway, in a recent interview, Noah Cyrus' favorite pole dancing partner was asked if she was Team Edward or Team Jacob. Miley is Team FuckOffTwilight. She explained, "I've never seen it and nor will I ever. I don't believe in it. I don't like vampires. ... I don't like the wolf that pops out of the screen when I'm watching my TV at night. I don't like it. I don't want anything to do with it. I don't like the shirts. I don't like any of it."

See what I mean? Miley is as incoherent as an old bitch whose diet only consists of Mallomars and wine coolers. I mean, is she talking about Twatlight, Three Wolf Moon, or both? And if Miley doesn't like wolves popping out at her, she better stay away from 70s porn.

via Vulture