Twilight

Here's a completely fake wolf who has the personality of Ashley Greene, the natural presence of Kristen Stewart, the same scent as Robert Pattinson's pits and a coat that is as luscious as the coat on Taylor Lautner's ass cheeks (I'm guessing). Tonight in Berlin was the last premiere of Twatlight: Breaking Hymen - Part Two and it seemed fitting to end this living nightmare with a picture of a wolf that makes the same face I make when I accidentally come across one of those movies while flipping through basic cable.

It's finally over! (Well, it's over until they reboot this shit in 2 years and the world has to relive this all over again. It'll be like having the worst hangover and a serious case of diarrhea on Groundhog's Day.) KStew can celebrate by finding her a married German director to rub her box. RPattz can celebrate by openly laughing at the dumb Twihards for making him the richest unicorn herder on the planet, not that he's already been doing that all along (exhibit: A). And Taylor Lautner can celebrate by finally posing for his own "Yup, I Like Dick!" cover of People.

And everyone in or around Bolivar, Missouri who was planning to see this mess this weekend should be thankful to the woman who called the cops and told them about her son's plan to shoot up a theater showing Breaking Dawn. They should punish his crazy ass by forcing him to watch every Twilight movie on a loop until he convulses and turns into a Twihard.

I lied. I thought the Hollywood premiere of Twatlight: Breaking Hymen - Number Two was going to be the last one, but I was wrong. Our international nightmare continues and it has spread to the UK. Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner were all in London tonight to make the British Twihards scream until their cherries popped out of their mouths.

But you know, just like the American Twihards, the British ones have disappointed me. This is the last time they can bring the crazy hard and they're not. They should be getting pregnant from the excitement before giving birth to a sticky toffee panty pudding baby right there on the red carpet. Instead, they're just like "eh" in the face. They look like KStew while getting her box munched in a Mini Cooper. What does it say when even the hardcore crazies are tired of being crazy? Where was Nutty Madam when they needed her most? She could've inspired them to lose whatever is left of their minds right there on the ground. Whatever... At least Kristen Stewart came to party. KStew really wanted us to see her ass cakes at the Hollywood premiere and she kept that theme going at the London premiere. Butt party alert.

But bitch is going way too far with all the lace and sequins. Who in the hell does she think she is? Walter Mercado? Kristen Stewart needs to take off Walter Mercado's favorite funeral jumpsuit and give it back to him, because it's not working on her. Nor will it ever.

Dakota Fanning, Kellan Lutz, Dr. Blossom, Ashley Greene, Stephenie Meyer, Shar Jackson (??????), Nikki Reed and Taylor Lautner were all flattened to the carpet at The Twatlight Saga: Breaking Hymen - Part 2 premiere in Los Angeles last night after 2-year-old Elle Fanning stomped on all of them. Little Elle Fanning barely learned how to walk by herself like four days ago and she's already mastered the art of stomping in fucked up sandals made of plastic bricks, pink ribbon and chrome leather. Elle Fanning is practically a child, so I can't give her any hate for wearing orthopedic sandals for geishas. Millionaire movie star children don't know any better, because everyone around them will lie to them and tell them they look good. They usually don't have a grandma around who will grab them by the hair and refuse to let them leave the house looking like a damn fool. If they had a grandma like that, they'd fire her ass for talking back.

These ugly ass shoes have a serious identity crisis. They don't know if they want to be platform flip-flops, a Jenga tower, Getas on growth hormones or moon shoes for My Little Ponies. The only thing they do know is that they want to be as ugly as possible. When Prada put this nasty shit on the runway, they paired them with rubber socks! It's kind of funny that Prada paired these sandals with socks that can double as lady condoms, because there's no way you're getting laid if you wear that nasty shit on your feet. Wearing these sandals is foot abuse in more ways than one.

Now that Elle Fanning has brought them to the mainstream, I'm sure snotty rich kids will start wearing them everywhere. That's not a bad thing, actually. Cackling after seeing a brat fall in ridiculous shoes IS my favorite pastime.

That picture might look familiar to you, because it's exactly what you see every Christmas when your nana drinks too much spiked cider, goes wild, jumps on the coffee table and lifts up her lace slip to freak dance to "Holly Jolly Christmas."

For her very last Twilight premiere, Kristen Stewart gave the Twihards the gift of her butt cakes by wearing granny panties and a see-through dress. Kristen Stewart is supposedly a miserable spotlight hater who would rather take a shower than get her picture taken, so wearing a dress that makes everyone look at her nalgas and crotch area was a good move! Nothing says "DON'T LOOK AT ME, I HATE ATTENTION" like wearing a see-through dress, right? But sarcasm aside, this is the hottest KStew has looked in a long time. She looks like an Appalachian Rita Hayworth. I bet that when the designer asked for his dress back at the end of the night, KStew burped up a nacho crumb and said, "Ah smoked it!"

Oh yeah, Robert Pattinson was also there in a green Christmas suit, but who cares about him. The bigger story here is that the last ever Twatlight premiere happened in Los Angeles and the Twihards didn't go crazy. Did the LAPD shoot them all with tranquilizer darts beforehand? Some of these crazy bitches camped out for almost a week to see RPattz's face close up and so they should be losing their minds. Los Angeles should be under an ocean of panty pudding, tears and blood from the Twihards slitting their wrists since they have no reason to go on anymore! Oh, Twihards, I thought I knew you. I thought I knew you.

The storm clouds are starting to dissipate in the Robert Pattinson / Kristen Stewart YOU CHEATING HOR hurricane, and as the anger recedes like low tide on Rob's once shiny sparkly beach of a heart, some of his friends are saying that now only broken shells, sadness, loss and wishy-washiness remain.

Radar Online has heard from several sources (aka chatty bastards) that RPattz is not sure whether he's ready to let go or reconcile. He's struggling to make a decision, but wants to keep his personal life to himself and out of the public eye say the tattle mcblabberfriends.

An equally sensitive Kristen respected Robert's privacy by issuing a public apology to him and showing her Droopy Dog face all over town. The other couple ensnared in the scandal, Rupert Sanders and his wife Liberty Ross could not be reached for comment, since Rupert is completely booked up with shoe licking, jewelry buying, and couch sleeping for the foreseeable future.

RPattz will make his first appearance in public since the split on the Daily Show this Monday and the sources say he's more than a little nervous about what question bombs Jon Stewart will lob at him during the interview. I'll bet Rob's not the only nervous one, isn't that right KRISTEN? Hopefully Jon went to a different privacy hororing school than the rest of these big mouths and will show some bitches what class is by letting Rob stick to promoting his new movie Cosmopolis.

I feel for the guy. I can't imagine watching with the rest of the world as my future dreams were publicly lapped away by a married man in the front seat of a car. But Rob is a young, handsome, rich as hell star. In no time, he'll be trying to say "Krist-who" with a mouthful of someone new. SO DO YOU HEAR ME ROBERT? It's kick a trick to the curb time. And ladies (wink, wink), line forms to the left.

Rob needs someone prettier, and infinitely more faithful.

I've heard some people say that every marriage should have to be approved by a mental health professional before it's made legal. I don't agree with that mess, because if I should ever catch Anderson Cooper in a drunken, confused state and I get him to marry me, the last thing I need is some government therapist bitch knocking some reason into his head. But this story is making me change my mind.....

Abigail of the UK might be the ultimate Twihard and mental hospitals should consider naming their Twihard wings after her. Abigail is so dedicated to the sparkle that she wanted her wedding to look like Twilight jizzed all over it. Abigail wore a copy of Bella's wedding dress to her reception, made her husband Andy wear a tuxedo like Edward's, used the Twilight soundtrack for her ceremony music and used the Twilight movies as inspiration for her flowers, cake and decorations. Yes, if Abigail was my cousin, I'd get her a wedding gift of his and hers straitjackets, but her wedding reception isn't the craziest shit she did.

Examiner says that Abigail somehow convinced her new husband to legally change his last name to Cullen. Andy agreed and so now they're known as Mr. & Mrs. Cullen. Abigail Cullen says that her husband has been a good sport about her addiction to Twilight.

The truth is, the Twilight-themed wedding isn't that insane, now that I remember that I've seen pictures from an Avatar-themed wedding, but the name change shit is some serious commitment to crazy. She must have a pussy made out of glitter that makes him break the headboard or she must have something on him. This is the deal breaker of all deal breakers. Somebody get these two a romantic honeymoon to Bellevue! Better yet, get them a romantic boat ride for two, so he can fake his death Sleeping with the Enemy-style. Well, if you're ever hating life you can take comfort in knowing that somewhere in the UK, Andy Cullen is hating life more.

And I'm not talking about the crotch seizures that the Twihards bust into when watching RPattz break the headboard with his ultimate sparkle strength. Brandon Gephart of Roseville, CA bravely went into a theater showing Twatilight: Breaking Hymens and came out on a stretcher. Brandon's girlfriend Kelly tells CBS Sacramento that during the scene in the movie where Bella pops out her vampire glitter baby, the annoying effects caused him to convulse, snort and gasp for air. No, Brandon was not caught in a fit of uncontrollable HAHAHAs. Dude was having a full blown Epileptic seizure and he didn't stop until the paramedics arrived to take him the hospital. Well, on a positive note, at least he got out of seeing the rest of the movie.

Brandon didn't remember anything until he woke up on the movie theater floor with the paramedics in front of him. This also isn't the first time somebody had a seizure during that mess of a movie. The Hollywood Reporter says that the same thing happened to a dude in Salt Lake City. He blacked out and started shaking during the scene. The man's wife had to slap him several times in the face to try to bring him out of it. Doctors believe that the red, white and black images flashing during the scene can trigger episodes of photosensitive epilepsy. Dr. Michael Chez explained, "It's like a light going off because it hits your brain all at once. The trouble with theaters is that they're so dark, the light flashing in there is more like a strobe light."

So now you can add "May induce seizures" next to "May cause you to laugh your lungs out" and "May cause you to drown your face in a bucket of popcorn to get away from Kristen Stewart's non-stop eye blinking" on the Surgeon General's warning for this shit show.

And I completely believe that Twilight brings out the seizures in a person, because my throat nearly had one when this bowl of cottage cheese laced with fuckery graced my inbox:

Did your coworker in the cubicle next to yours who named one of her 12 cats Edpurr Cullen and who you once caught bidding on a Twilight toilet seat cover call in sick Friday and today? If she did, then the crazy bitch just got caught. Snitch on her! She obviously made her way to the Nokia Theater in L.A. to temporarily move into the Twilight Tent City (aka The Jennifer Aniston Projects) in hopes that some of RPattz's DNA will fall on her tongue as he walks past her on the red carpet at the premiere of Breaking Dawn tonight.

Some of these Twihards have been camping out for the past five days! THE FUCK doesn't even begin to describe. "Oh hi, nana, no I can't make it to your 90th birthday party, because I'll be sleeping on the fucking concrete so that I can see Taylor Lautner in the flesh from 200 yards away. Oh, stop crying, nana..."

If you're in the L.A. area, you better pop open your umbrellas now. In just a few minutes, L.A. is about get a torrential downpour of extra chunky cooch cream that has been brewing inside of hundreds of Twihards for days. Just look at these crazies. Some of these Twihards put on wedding dresses to pose next to a cardboard Edward Cullen, so just imagine what they plan to do when they see the real thing in person. As soon as RPattz's toe touches the red carpet, hymens will break, pussies will explode and a cherries jubilee tsunami will take him out. By the end of the night, he'll look like Carrie at the prom. Well, at least that means hundreds of 30-something Twihards will finally lose their virginity tonight.

Twatlight: Breaking Hymen made a number two on the internet last night by releasing its second trailer and not one second of it has scooted across my eye balls or ear drums. There really is no point. The only reason that Latter-day Saints lady wrote Twilight was so they could make movies, and the only reason the movies were made was so that there could be trailers for Nutty Madam to react to on YouTube. Nutty Madam is the throbbing clitoris of Twatlight. This much is true.

So why watch the trailer when you can BE the trailer and watch as Nutty Madam loses her virginity, gives birth, has a coronary, dies, turns into a ghost and gets spooked by her ghost reflection in the mirror all in the span of just a few minutes. Yes, Nutty Madam is definitely turning up the levels of ridiculousness and the panty putting pot pie she gives birth to might not be made of completely authentic ingredients, but it still wouldn't be Twilight Trailer Day without her.

You know, sometimes when my spirit is broken and I feel like I'm trapped in the middle of a Sam Cooke song, I lift myself up by doing the following:

1. Bring up a Nutty Madam reaction video.
2. Mute it and make it full screen.
3. Take off all my panties.
4. Put on this song:

(Sidenote: Edward and that Jacob trick should really settle their feud with a dance off.)

5. Daaance daaaance daaaaance in front of Nutty Madam.
6. Allow my spirit to turn its frown into a smile as my hot naked dance moves send Nutty Madam on a roller coaster ride of emotions.

You should do the same. Doing this will take you higher faster than masturbating while eating ice cream will. Guaranteed! It will also leave you permanently dry in certain parts, but there's a price for everything!

There was a good reason for why Kristen Stewart's hair last night looked like it got attacked by a family of rabid raccoons who were trying to get to the Funyun bits in her mop that landed there after RPattz threw the bag at her when she finished up the last joint. Because I'm pretty sure both RPattz and Kristen Stewart were inhaling the good shit behind a bush right before the MTV Movie Awards (aka The Let's Jack Off The Cast Of Twilight Awards) last night.

When RPattz and Kristen won the Golden Cup of Dingles Award for Best Kiss, they stumbled around uncomfortably the same way I do when a one-night fuck partner puts the fun on pause to say he's going to use "the little boy's room" (Note: Don't bring up little boys when you're doing big boy stuff).

Then RPattz suddenly remembered his lines and frolicked into the audience to plant a totally staged kiss on Taylor Lautner. The sparkly vamp on llama wolf kiss actually dimmed the gay rumors that swirl around Taylor Lautner, because that shit was about as erotic as the sight of Nutty Madam scrubbing the Twicream out of her Edward Cullen panties in the guest bathroom sink. But I'm sure it still made thousands of 13-year-old Twihards sign up for the vampire chapter of PFlag. Clip (via Rickey) below:

But RPattz didn't stop there! During a tribute to Reese Witherspoon (HA!) with Chelsea Handler and Patrick Dempsey, RPattz gave a speech you usually see from the drunk best man at a wedding (fuck bomb included). It was like watching a train full of glitter vodka and grease teeter off the rails and slowly crash into a rubber chin factory.

Getting bombed to drop a fuck bomb at the MTV Movie Awards is the best thing RPattz has ever done.