Don't Fuck With Oldies

Helen Mirren left her home in London today wearing a t-shirt promoting As One In The Park, a huge LGBT festival, but the other day she was slapping those loud bitches down outside of the theater where she's currently performing as THE QUEEN in a play called The Audience. And Helen did it in costume. So until now, I didn't know that one of my goals in life is to get bitched out by Helen Mirren dragged up as THE QUEEN!

The Daily Telegraph says that during Saturday night's performance of The Audience, a troupe of drummers from As One In The Park were right outside of the theater loudly beating their shit to promote the festival. Helen tells the Telegraph that toward the end of the first half, the loud drumming pounded its way into her ear holes and it made it hard for her to perform. Helen went on and finished the first act, but during intermission, she came outside and verbally cunt punted (copyright: that crazy sorority chick) the drummers while still in costume as Queen Elizabeth II. You really haven't lived until you've seen a queen curse out a bunch of queens on the streets.

Sky News has an extremely clear and sharp video of Helen pointing around while telling those loud asses that they are interrupting an Olivier Award-winning performance!

One witness said that Helen told them to fuck off and continued to slap their ears with beautiful curse word after beautiful curse word. Helen explained it like this:

“I’m afraid there were a few 'thespian’ words used. They got a very stern royal ticking off but I have to say they were very sweet and they stopped immediately. I felt rotten but on the other hand they were destroying our performance so something had to be done. The drumming just slowly got louder and louder and then settled right outside the stage door. There was just a thin wall between drumming and the theatre so it was unbelievably loud on stage. Paul Ritter and I could hardly hear each other speak and the audience couldn’t hear us speak at all. 

We were doing this last scene of the first act where the Queen is being told she is going to lose Britannia [the royal yacht], it’s quite an emotional scene. I thought, we can’t carry on like this, they have to stop. I was so upset from struggling through the scene with Paul that I literally walked straight off stage, straight up the stairs and straight out the stage door and banged my way through the crowd who were watching and said 'stop, you’ve got to stop right now’ only I might have used stronger language than that. They were very sweet and stopped the minute they knew I wasn’t just a batty old woman haranguing them on the streets of Soho on a Saturday night.”

Helen also said that she's going to find the drummers and give them free tickets to the show.

Why in the hell would those drummers want free tickets when they already watched a private sidewalk performance that was probably better and more theatrical than anything in that play? But really, Helen Mirren should be stripped of her Olivier Award. If you're going to tell bitches what's what while dressed as THE QUEEN, then you need to bitch them out as THE QUEEN too. Helen should've made Prince Philip hold them down as she beat them with her pocketbook while yelling at her Corgis to bite the skin off their ankles. That's what the real Queen would've done.

The first line on the first page of every cell phone manual reads: "If Robert De Niro calls your ass, you either call him the hell back or drown yourself and this phone in the Hudson River." Well, Jay-Z broke that rule several times. ILLEGAL!

According to Page Six, Jay-Z agreed to record a song for the Tribeca Film Festival and Robert De Niro called him up several times to discuss it. Jay-Z never called him back. So at Leonardo DiCaprio's birthday the other night, Robert De Niro wasn't going to act like everything is rainbow dicks and heart-shaped buttholes when Jay-Z strolled up to say hi. Some witness said that the entire party stopped to watch the Italian bull and the Brooklyn camel butt heads:

“Bob wasn’t in any mood to make polite conversation. He told Jay that if somebody calls you six times, you call them back. It doesn’t matter who you are, that is just rude. De Niro kept telling him that he thinks he’s the man, but that he was disrespectful. Beyoncé came over, but that didn’t calm Bob down. It was the talk of the party. Everyone was saying there’s only one star in New York bigger and badder than Jay-Z, and that’s Robert De Niro. He can be quite scary when he’s angry.”

It's a good thing Leonardo DiCaprio was too busy gorging himself on a Victoria's Secret Angel buffet to notice this fight, because it would've ruined his birthday.

The next time you see Jay-Z out in public, expect him to look like Michael Jackson, because when Robert De Niro shades you, you instantly come down with the worst case of Vitiligo ever. But really, who knew that Robert De Niro was so clingy. You'd think that after one unanswered call, he'd send Jay-Z a final message by putting one of Beyonce's wig heads in their bed.

Gene Hackman is 82-years-old and he's proving that you're never too old to whoop a homeless trick down for calling your wife a cunt. TMZ says that a bitchified hobo named Bruce Becker came at Pepaw Gene and his wife Betsy Arakawa as the two left a restaurant in Santa Fe, New Mexico on Tuesday. TMZ doesn't say exactly how the hobo came at Gene, but the hobo learned that when you come at a pepaw for whatever reason, you will end up with a face full of his slappin' hand.

After Bruce started shit with Gene, they both yelled at each other and the hobo took it to a new level by throwing the cunt word at Betsy. As soon as that word leaped off of Bruce's tongue, the band stopped playing, the sun hid behind the clouds, tumbleweeds got out of the way, children ran inside, birds shut their mouths and the dust hitched a ride out of there on a sliver of wind. Nobody wanted to be around when shit got serious. Gene slapped Bruce right in the face. Bruce called the cops, but nobody got put into cuffs, because the police officer said Gene slapped Bruce out of self-defense.

I don't even know Betsy Arakawa, but I'd still get all Peter Cetera on a bitch for screwing with her wrong. A woman whose floss thin brows match the arch of her hairline deserves to be defended at all costs.

Maniacal villain Rupert Murdoch who knows all about wiretapping and stalking a bitch, spent some of his weekend firing shot after shot after shot at Tommy Girl and his band of crazed alien fuckers on Twitter (via ABC News). When Rupert Murdoch calls you an evil cunt, you know you're doing a really good job at being an evil cunt. Rupert started beating on Scientology with his cane after he brought up the de-bearding of Tommy Girl and let it be known that he's not afraid that the Scientologists will threaten to dip him in donut frosting and sic Kirstie Alley on his ass:

Rupert Murdoch ‏@rupertmurdoch
Scientology back in news. Very weird cult, but big, big money involved with Tom Cruise either number two or three in hiearchy.

Rupert Murdoch ‏@rupertmurdoch
Watch Katie Holmes and Scientology story develop. Something creepy, maybe even evil, about these people.

Rupert Murdoch ‏@rupertmurdoch
Since Scientology tweet hundreds of attacks. Expect they will increase and get worse and maybe threatening. Still stick to my story.

Some people on Twitter thought it was funny that the pot called the kettle an evil whore, but I love it. I hope Rupert and his grumpy testicle face keep yanking at L. Ron Hubbard's weave. But really, in a cage match between Darth Vader and Lord Voldemort, who do we root for? Wendi Deng obviously:

Karen Klein, the 68-year-old bus monitor from Greece, NY who was verbally attacked by a pack of little cuntmeisters, has been making the media rounds and last night she landed on MahBoo369me. During the interview, Anderson Cooper read apologies that two of the boys pushed out to the media. One of the boys, Josh, issued this statement and I'm sure his parents wrote it after he threatened to piss on their doorstep if they didn't. It's straight out of a bull's culo:

"I am so sorry for the way I treated you. When I saw the video I was disgusted and could not believe I did that. I am sorry for being so mean and I will never treat anyone this way again."

The memaw in Karen finally poked out and she pretty much farted on Josh's apology and the apology from the other kid. Karen dragged Josh when she said that he's also been a troublemaker and she'd never trust anything out of his mouth. YES! Drag that bitch, Karen! Chancleta slap him with your words!

Karen says that she's still waiting for a real apology and not one that's released to the media first. Karen doesn't think the boys are evil down to the core, but she does think they should be punished by doing community service and getting kicked off the bus for a year.

And about that donation money...

Karen's pot is filled with over $530,000. Karen told Anderson that she doesn't think the money will ever find its way into her checking account, because it's too good to be true. The dude who started the fundraiser still claims that it's not a scam and the money will never touch his hands. Oh, and Southwest is also giving Karen a free trip to Disneyland for 9 people.

Yes, Karen is probably (hopefully) going to get over half-a-million dollars for this shit. I know we're all thinking the same thing. Why didn't YouTube exist when we were getting bullied in middle school?! We'd retired to Thailand at the age of 16. The whole "donation" thing is getting crazy and is sort of out of control, but whatever. I guess people watch the video, feel for Karen and since they can't give her a hug, they give her something even better than a hug: MONAY!

And since I donated $10 early on and Karen is now way richer than me, I fully expect her to buy me a drink and some cheese fries.

Leave it to three memaws to perfectly sum up Kim Kardashian in one simple sentence: "She's just laying there!" I became these three memaws' fan at "His tongue is as long as his dick!" and I became their biggest fan at "His nose is in her cligh-toris!"

Do they take requests, because I need them to guide me through the Chyna sex tape. Shit, I need them to guide me through all sex tapes. They need their own show on Comedy Central. They can call it Granny Got Porn or Werther's Original Theater 2012.

via Gawker

The world is definitely a different place without Dick Clark in it, because there's no such thing as New Year's Eve anymore and all balls have lost the will to drop (my thoughts and prayers are with those who are stuck in puberty forever....Justin Bieber). But for Shirley MacLaine the world really is a different place without Dick Clark in it, because she no longer has to worry about his dogs getting bitchy with her dogs when she walks by his house in Malibu. At the premiere of her new movie Bernie, Reuters asked Shirley if had any thoughts on Dick Clark's death and she didn't even try to pretend like she's broken in the heart about it.

"Well now I can walk past his house in Malibu and his dogs won't attack mine. That's one good thing."

HAHAHAHA. I love this act of memaw bitchery for two reasons: 1) Shirley is and will always be Ouiser. You can't take the Ouiser out of the Shirley! 2) Did Dick Clark take his dogs to the grave with him? Dick's dogs are still and well, right? I hope so and I really hope Reuters is there when Shirley walks by his house in Malibu and nearly chokes on her cuntified words when his dogs run out to mouth shank her dogs.

via The Globe and Mail & USA Today (Thanks, Daniel)

Gary Busey spent 7 minutes in heaven, LITERALLY, when he temporarily died on the operating table while neurosurgeons repaired his damaged brain after a serious motorcycle accident in 1988. Since Gary's frequent flyer miles include a trip to Heaven, he is an authority on the interior decorating style of God. (You ain't the only one, Colton Burpo.) So when it came time to shoot a scene in Heaven for that movie where Gary played a reincarnated Pomeranian dog, he refused to act in the scene, because the Heaven set didn't look like Heaven at all! Curtis Armstrong (aka Booger from Revenge of the Nerds) told this story when the AV Club (via Videogum) asked him what it was like working with the crazy sparkle of Hollywood:

AVC: Yeah, sorry for dragging this one up. But this was a movie where you appeared alongside Gary Busey, who plays a software tycoon who dies and is reincarnated as a dog. Busey’s such a weirdo force-of-nature that we have to ask about working with him.

CA: It was just what you’d imagine. That’s about the best way to put it. We were shooting this movie—which is a horrible movie—and he was supposed to come back from the dead. And he of course, Gary Busey, supposedly had done this—he’d been in an accident and died and came back. He showed up on a set made to look like Heaven, and he looked around and said, “I can’t play this scene.” They were three days behind at this point. But Busey said, “It’s nothing like this. I’ve been to Heaven and it doesn’t look like this. That sofa’s all wrong. That mirror is ridiculous. They don’t even have mirrors!” It was ridiculous. He was completely nuts about the design of Heaven.

But then on top of it, one of the guys playing an angel, had also died and come back. And this guy got into an argument with Busey about the way Heaven looked! The two of them wound up coming to blows and they had to send everybody home. So there you go. That’s what we were working with.

Gary Busey fighting with an actor in an angel costume about what Heaven looks like IS what Heaven looks like.

No mirrors in Heaven means no Kardashians in Heaven! Heaven truly is Heaven. But why doesn't anyone ever come back from Hell? They're always coming back from Heaven. Do they even have sofas in Hell? Are Hell's sofas just giant CROCS? Do they have mirrors? If they do, does the reflection of a topless Pimp Mama Kris look back at you every time you go to style your hair with House of Dereon gel (the #1 hair gel in Hell)? Somebody please tell me if there's mirrors in Hell, because I need to know how many bottles of Windex to bring when I'm packing for my trip to my afterlife.

Proving that you're never too old (or disabled) to beat a geezer down, two retired football players got into a cane-wielding, flower-slapping old bitch battle at the Canadian Football League alumni luncheon in Vancouver on Friday. This is what the Werther's Original aisle at Rite-Aid looked like on Black Friday. YAASSS! The real-life Grumpy Old Men shit started when 73-year-old Joe Kapp, former quarterback for the B.C. Lions, tried to give his forever arch rival, 74-year-old Angelo Mosca, former defensive tackle for the Hamilton Tiger Cats, a flower. Angelo then said the words his nurse said earlier in the day to him as she handed him a suppository: "STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!" Boom. The bell went off and the Beneficial-sponsored Pepawweight Championship of the Retirement Home was on.

Joe pushed the flower against Angelo's nose and the two went at it as the audience laughed, because priceless comedy IS two old cunts fighting over stupid shit. The only thing missing from this mess is Betty White in a bikini holding up a Round Two card as Angelo and Joe sip Ensure out of sippy cups in their corners. A winner wasn't declared, but when two old ass hos start swinging their canes at each other, we all win!

via Gawker (Thanks to Rose & Tom for sending this Metamucil mess in)

The original hater Andy Rooney let out his farewell rant on 60 Minutes last night and he ended things the only way I'd expect him to end things: by telling his fans thank you, but get off his lawn! Andy's farewell did give me a slight case of the sads on the inside, because when I reach the age when my chin starts to sag so much that it looks like a nutsack is growing from the bottom of my head (I can't wait!) who will tell me that it's okay to shake my fist at the clouds over my hatred of chocolate chip cookies (yes, Andy Rooney hates chocolate chip cookies) and wrist watches?

If I ever run into Andy at a restaurant after I've had brunch while he's having dinner, I will go up to him, because I believe you truly haven't lived until you've been blessed by his crusty old coot side-eye. I didn't know gruffing with your eyes was a thing until I started watching Andy Rooney.

And my mom had to SUCIO up my final time with Andy by asking me over the phone, "Do you think he ever wears pants when he's behind that desk? Old men don't like wearing pants." Who does?! We all do our best work when our genitals are rubbing up against the bottom of a desk.