We Can All Go Home Now
At the 6:23 mark above is the moment when Graham Norton asked hip hop aficionado and $725 tank top dress enthusiast Fishsticks Paltrow to lay out a little N.W.A. and she fucking did it. Rose Hills will be covered with even more hills tonight because Eazy-E will be rocking the hell out of his grave over an over-privileged princess snowflake rapping about Compton. And while making Friday, Ice Cube probably predicted that the Internet would become a place where sometimes GIFs made from movie clips are the only way to perfectly express one's feelings about foolery conducted by fools, because this sums up Fishy's rap skills.
It also sums up my feelings about Lady Caca looking Carol Burnett as Nora Desmond as one of Dracula's brides.
UPDATE: Picture removed by order of Jake Gyllenhaal's lawyers. Boo.
This picture is nowhere to be seen on TMZ, so that leads me to believe that there's another site on the Internet called TMZ (but stands for Thigh Man Zone) or this beautiful yogay portrait was Photoshopped using the inspiration of Grace Jones, the head of Jakey Gyllenhaal and the body of a hot man flamingo. But it's Sunday, so I will temporarily believe that Jake once flashed his barely there nalgas like he's auditioning for the title role in the Palm Springs Gay Twink's Choir production of Black Swan. I love that whoever this is made sure that his socks matched the hotel carpet. Details like that really make a picture.
In an announcement we all saw coming, Meredith Vieira got a little teary in the eyes this morning when she told the Today Show's viewers that she's quitting that bitch after 5 years in June to spend more quality time with her husband and children. Meredith will no longer spend her mornings verbally yanking at Matt Lauer's nuts and trying to figure out how Ann Curry's eyebrows came to be. Stonehenge brows is the make-up department's nickname for the shit Ann has over her eyes. But on to Meredith's announcement.
"This is a difficult day for me. I'm going to try to hold myself together here. After months of personal reflection and private conversations with my family and my friends I've decided to leave Today in June. Even as I say this, and I know it's the right thing, I'm really sad because for the past, I like to say 10 years, this has been my second home.
I've really had a great time, but time is one of those weird things you can never get enough of it. It just keeps ticking away. I know I want to spend mine with my husband Richard and kids who are now rolling their eyes and going, 'No more time, mom.' But I'm going to do it anyway. It means I can't be here every day. I hope to stay in the NBC family that is my goal."
Ann Curry will replace Meredith, Natalie Morales will replace Ann and Savannah Guthrie will replace Natalie.
It isn't a good morning until Ann Curry says it fifty times and nobody can read the news like she can (I'm lying), but her celebrity interviews are just a pile of lukewarm cheese vomit. Like this morning, NeNe Leakes was on (SPOILER ALERT) to talk about how she quit Celebrity Apprentice because the environment was just too toxic for her. Blah. Blah. Blah. And Ann actually faked sympathy by throwing NeNe an "awww" followed by a comforting knee grab. ANN! A stupid reality ho quitting a stupid reality show does not deserve a manufactured "aww." It deserves an eye roll followed by the line, "Oh, I'll tell the surviving victims of Chernobyl that they should stop their whining and pray for you to recover from the toxic poisoning you're suffering through."
There's going to be many looooong mornings now that I'm waking up to Ann.
Wonderful and beautiful things happen on Friday (example: you can freely get tanked without worrying about a buzz from an alarm clock stirring your hangover in the morning), so it's no surprise that we've been gifted with these pictures of Whitney Houston looking like an irritated mess while showing up to Prince's show at The Forum in L.A. last night. Yes, only Whitney can give us an "end of the night" look at the beginning of the night.
Whit looks like she just rolled out from under a shrub where she was taking a quick disco nap to prepare herself for witnessing a disciple of Jehovah thrust his shit like it's Christmas (or like it's Thursday night since JWs don't do holidays). You just know there's a shrub somewhere that's covered in scraggles of Whitney's hair.
The best part is that it looks like Whitney is using the life skill that Cousin Dionne Warwick taught her. The skill I'm talking about is cursing a bitch out. The beautiful words "mother," "fucker," " bitchass," "hell," "tutha," and "no" definitely shot out of Whitney's mouth at least twice during this photo series. Whitney didn't use "hussy" because Cousin Dionne owns the copyright to that and you don't want to know what happens if you infringe upon that. Nostrils will flare...
In other Whitney news, Angela Basset announced on The Talk yesterday that there will be a sequel to Waiting to Exhale. YES! Lela Rochon can finally quit her job as the night manager of a Checkers now that she's making her long-awaited return to the big screen!
If you told me that Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor and Marlon Brando fled New York City in a rental car after 9/11 and made several pilgrimages to KFC, I'd beg you to stop hoarding the acid tabs and please put one on my tongue like Eucharist time at a rave so that I can see this vision for myself. And this is exactly what I'm saying to Sam Kashner, the Vanity Fair writer who told this story in an article for the magazine on Elizabeth Taylor's life. The geniuses at Next Media have already turned into a Taiwanese CGI short film for you to get high on.
On September 10th, 2011, Michael Jackson performed in a sold-out concert at Madison Square Garden. MJ originally wanted his friends Elizabeth Taylor and Marlon Brando to sit on opposite sides of the stage like two Easter Island idols, but they decided against it. They sat in the audience instead. Cut to the next morning. After the attacks, MJ's friends from Saudi Arabia told him to get the fuck out of NYC because there would be more assaults in America. MJ grabbed Marlon and Elizabeth and the three tried to get a private plane to take them back to California, but the air space above the country was closed for business. Instead of taking a bus or a train or a solid gold chariot led by white Persian horses, the three got into a rental car and drove far away from NYC! The Hertz agent who rented them the car is still trembling under the counter wondering what the fuck just happened.
I'll let Sam Kashner lead you through the rest of this fuckery-laced acid trip:
A former employee of Michael Jackson’s says that Michael, like General Washington, led his entourage to a temporary safe haven in New Jersey, before the three superstars took to the open road. “They actually got as far as Ohio—all three of them, in a car they drove themselves!” he recalls. Brando allegedly annoyed his traveling companions by insisting on stopping at nearly every KFC and Burger King they passed along the highway. One can only imagine the shock their appearance caused at gas stations and rest stops across America.
But one of Elizabeth’s close friends and assistants, who asks to remain anonymous, insists that Elizabeth did not flee New York with her two companions. “Elizabeth stayed behind,” he insists, “where she went to a church to pray, and she went to an armory where people were who couldn’t get home or who’d stayed behind to look for the missing. She also went down to Ground Zero, where she met with first responders. Eventually, the airports opened and she flew home.” She may well have done some of those things, though no reports surfaced in the media of sightings of Elizabeth Taylor ministering to the frightened and wounded or showing up at Ground Zero.
The image of Marlon Brando NOM NOM NOM-ing on fried chicken skin in the passenger seat while Elizabeth Taylor pumps gas and Michael Jackson hovers over a Thomas Guide spread on the hood is one that I will bring up in my head whenever I need to flee from reality and fall into a fucked up hallucination. THE FUCK doesn't even begin... Even though this is most likely a work of fiction, it still needs to be made into a road trip comedy. Tyler Perry or Eddie Murphy can play all the roles.
A little white boy wheezing out his take on DC Talk's "Nu Thang" while doing the best of 80s moves in Zubaz pants is enough to make you spritz yourself with aerosol holy water and thank God for doing his nu thing so this kid can rap about it. But the Aqua Net angel wearing an acid wash Gunne Sax dress with a white lace bib is definitely my NU JESUS!
With everyone's idol Flower Girl Grace trying to stop the madness with her hands and this picture of Prince Hot Ginge checking up on his royal scepter, I can say with complete confidence that there's nothing more to see here. Our work here is done! If you don't believe me, stick a thermometer in my no-no to be sure. Yeah, you probably won't ever see it again, but by the off chance you do, you'll see that whatever Royal Wedding fever shit I was suffering from is now gone! I must now focus my energy on trying to find a coffin whose interior goes perfectly with the picture above. Don't act like you didn't know I was going to bond this picture to the inside of my coffin door so that I can ride it to the underworld. I like to plan ahead.
So with that, the party is over! Grab a centerpiece and fill your purse with plastic swans and Jordan Almonds before that sneaky shifty ginger Fergie crawls in to snatch 'em all for her eBay business. And since we're on the subject of that mess Fergie, I also threw in some pictures of her daughters Princess Eugenie and Beatrice looking like they just fell out of the Big Business costume closet. The good thing is that Princess Beatrice's hat will be donated to a middle school science class so that they can see what real life intestines look like.
It really doesn't matter that a cloud with ¿Que? Cat in it is forming above your head after reading the name "Sarah Shahi" (SPOILER ALERT: She was Carmen on The L Word and is now on USA's Fairly Legal), because everything you need to know about her is in this post.
You've already learned what the underside of her mouth tongue looks like, and now you're about to learn that the rage you felt against Parasite Hilton back when she was semi-relevant has successfully been transferred to Sarah's finger tips. Somebody has to keep the Wonky hate going and Sarah is definitely the one for that job. Our new anti-Wonky heroine Tweeted this the other day after Parasite nearly transformed Sarah's car into the same state as her own vagina: busted and beyond repair.
Paris Hilton- worst driver ever. Almost hit me, then ran a stop sign.what if there was a kid around that corner, you dumb bitch
Paris Hilton- horrible excuse for a human being
What an irresponsible person... What a lame existence...
I wouldn't be as pissed if I wasn't a mom
"One more thing blonde piece of shit- you're not an elitist just because you have money. You should apologize... To humanity." nowi'mdone.
Yeah, what she said!
via E! Online
With the help of a steamroller, two cast iron hot plates, this picture of John Travolta (which can turn any gay hair straight) and enough balm to fill a Beyonce rider, a team of stylists tamed the wild bushel of Gossamer pubes on Carrot Top's head for a Las Vegas Magazine photo shoot. The result has obviously given you the answer to the question: "Could I ever be attracted to the secret toilet baby of Jackie Stallone and Fabio?" Don't act like the answer isn't "YES!YES!YES!," because who can deny the come hither look of a female-to-male transsexual ginger who runs a mini-mall beauty salon/car insurance firm? It's a good thing that sofa is leather, because if it wasn't you might leave a panty pudding stain after you sit down.
I bet Carrot Top loved his new luxurious look so much that he pulled out the flat iron and matched the carpet to his drapes. Now when he hits it from the back, he can tickle your taint with the tips of his flowing pube cape.
Here's a video of how they made Carrot Top even more nipple-burning gorgeous. It's NSFW since it's obviously porn.
via Las Vegas Magazine (Thanks OurMissC)
In the dramatization above, the role of me is played by Erica Kane and the role of ABC is played by Annie. This best expresses my feelings about ABC putting two of my former babysitters in a casket and burying them forever. ABC made me wail out a sad tail of NOOOOOOOs by officially killing two classic soap opera masterpieces. They are murdering MAH STORIES!!!!!
The press release from ABC is below. It hurts even more that they are replacing these beloved pieces of my childhood with a foodies talk show called The Chew and a makeover talk show called The Revolution! We all know why I weep today.
“While we are excited about our new shows and the shift in our business, I can’t help but recognize how bittersweet the change is. We are taking this bold step to expand our business because viewers are looking for different types of programming these days. They are telling us there is room for informative, authentic and fun shows that are relatable, offer a wide variety of opinions and focus on ‘real life’ takeaways.
All My Children and One Life to Live are iconic pieces of television that have made an indelible mark on our culture’s history. Each of the shows has touched millions and millions of viewers and informed the social consciousness. It has been a privilege to work with the extraordinary teams who brought the residents of Pine Valley and Llanview to life each day, and we thank the cast, crew, producers and most especially the fans for their commitment to the shows through their history.”
All My Children will be put to sleep on September after 41 years on air. One Life to Live will have no more lives to live in January 2012 after 43 years on air. The slut I care about the least, General Hospital, will stay on air.
This is truly is a sad covered in a sad covered in another sad. Erica Kane, Tina Lord Buchanan, Asian Blair Cramer and Dorian Lord are like second, third, fourth and fifth role model mothers to me. WHY???????!
via TV Line