We Can All Go Home Now

This is a video of Mexican Beliebers breaking out into an espectacular loco meltdown over the fact that the coming of their Jesus has SOLD OUT. No, not the actual Jesus. If the second coming of Jesus was announced and these niñas couldn't get tickets to his meet and greet, they wouldn't act this fucking crazy. This is over Justin Bieber of all babies!

This is some dramática shit you pull during your telenovela audition. Not over Justin Bieber selling out. I swear. Where is an army of chanklita-wielding abuelitas when you really need one?

Let's just pretend that this entire clip is lost in fuckery and translation, and they're actually crying over the fairy in Guadalajara being a hoax. Yeah, let's go with that.

via ONTD

If you told me that you were into licking raw peacock egg yolk off of a lime green linoleum floor while the tube of a canister vac plumped up your anus lips as an Air Supply record skipped in the background, I wouldn't even strain my eye muscles by squinting at you. If you told me that your nipple holes open by themselves when you start a staring contest with that terrifying Newsweek cover of Michele Bachmann, I wouldn't even judge you to your face. But this shit right here is some next level kink.

A 28-year-old dude was put into handcuffs in the parking lot of a Louisiana Walmart after the police received complaints that he was making his dick lips do the yellow smiley face smile by jacking off to ladies going into the store. That's not the weird part. The weird part came out of his mouth when the police asked him what he was doing. The Smoking Gun reports that the arresting officer wrote in the report that he said this:

“[He] stated he did have his penis out because of past experiences he had at Wal-Mart. Keen stated when he comes to Wal-Mart he gets aroused.”

Roll back prices just make him want to roll back his peen skin over and over again. THE FUCK?! We've already got enough to deal with and now we've gotta deal with Walmartophiles? This story makes a good case for the People of Walmart to start charging a monthly membership fee through CCBill.

If dude yanked his peen to Target, I'd tell him to fap away. Target's logo is basically a giant red tit, so that makes it understandable. But squeezing out nut juice over Walmart's serial killing smiley face? No.

And I bet the "past experience" that makes him aroused has something to do with our good friend Mr. Ghetto:

Yup, that Walmartophile is kinkier than you thought.

My eyes have been opened. The real reason why JLo and Skeletor's marriage has a chalk outline around it, isn't because of the rumors that he's got hos in every crevice of Eternia or that he wanted a say in every piece of fabric that hugged her double pan de agua ass. A poster at Lipstick Alley (via ONTD) says it's because JLo threw a black lace veil over her chocha and mourned the loss of all feeling down there due to Skeletor's 11-inch crotch arm of force. SANTO DIOS! To quote my abuelita: "Aye can't!"

First of all, whose wrist are we using as a measurement, because if it's Skeletor's then that's giving me a totally different image. Skeletor could share wrist bracelets with Barbie, so that's just making me picture his dick looking like a long tapeworm. Second of all, maybe Skeletor is just a giant walking dick with a tiny wig on its head, because I'm pretty sure he's 11 inches long from top to bottom.

You know, when this is the first thing you see in your inbox in the morning, you know it's a sign to log off for the day, fill the tub and stick your head in it. You bring the Calgon. For the Calgon enema, not to go in the water. It's one of those days.

And here's JLo trying to recover from Skeletor's Power of Grayskull pinga while shooting What To Expect When You're Expecting in Atlanta yesterday.

Lady Gaga took a break from sucking the queef bubbles out of Madge's vadge and claiming it as her own, and instead Xerox copied some shtick from Bette Midler's act. Bette Midler has long done the mermaid in a wheelchair thing, and at a concert in Australia the other night Caca rolled onto the stage in a mermaid body bag. Caca's entourage got egged by a bunch of people who weren't happy about her glamorizing disabilities. (Sidenote: Bette Midler would never get egged, because it's obvious that she's sympathizing with disabled merpeople through her art.)

Caca also got egged again on Twitter by Bette Midler herself who was not happy about the blatant thievery. Don't screw with Delores Delago! I'll let Bette take it from here:

I’m not sure @ladygaga knows that I’ve performed my mermaid in a wheelchair for millions of people -- and many of them are still alive.....

15 Jul

Dear @ladygaga if you think a mermaid in a wheelchair seems familiar-it's because it is!You can see it on youtube 24/7-with ME performing it

16 Jul

Dear @ladygaga Ive been doing singing mermaid in a wheelchair since 1980-You can keep the meat dress and the firecracker tits-mermaid's mine

20 hours ago

Of course, a few Little Monsters displayed the love and acceptance their Mama Monster preaches by calling Bette a "disrespectful cunt" who needs to "STFU." HA. I love it.

Bette is probably joking, but I still say she should throw a net over that salty rotten kipper Caca and launch her jacking ass onto one of the Deadliest Catch boats. Until Ariel becomes a paraplegic, there can only be one mermaid in a wheelchair!

Here's Lady Xerox in NYC this morning.

The Jheri curl beard on the face of San Francisco Giants' Brian Wilson is usually the main attraction of his overall look, but at last night's ESPYs in L.A. all eyeballs suctioned themselves to his Spandex tuxedo and matching pencil dick cane.

Brian's Spandex tuxedo makes me wish it was possible for Richard Simmons' nipple leche to successfully fertilize a lesbian penguin's ovary. It's what it would look like if Fidel Castro hugged Klaus Nomi from the back.

Brian explained his mess of an ensemble to the Washington Post like this:

“It's a onesie, so it has built-in gloves that are a little dirty because I've been getting a little awkward here on the carpet. And I've got my cougar cane — my 'plus one' tonight.

And the socks came in the fan mail from a San Francisco Giants fan. You know who you are, thank you. It said: ‘Enjoy.’ That was the letter. And I'm currently enjoying them. Ninja socks.”

My only problem with this is that when a dude wraps the Spandex around him, I expect to get the gift of a basket of bulge and Brian didn't bring it. You'd think that his matching Jheri curl ball bush would make his crotch zone look like 4 hairy hamsters having an orgy under a Spandex blanket. Maybe he slicked that shit back for this formal occasion, But besides that, Brian's Spandex tuxedo worked for all my senses right (except my sense of smell, because you know his taint reeked of rotten cheese curds marinating in a puddle of hobo sweat).

Casey Anthony will skip out into the world tomorrow and it pretty much goes without saying that her head is wanted on a plate. Specifically, a paper plate sitting on Nancy Grace's desk that has the words "RESERVED FOR CASEY ANTHONY'S HEAD" written in the blood that drips out of Nancy's hair whenever she thinks about the Tot Mom verdict. Because of this, some say that Casey is considering changing her name (Might I suggest Grace Nancy?) and getting an Extreme Makeover (Child Killer Edition) so that a mob doesn't lynch her face off every time she steps out to serve chloroform-tinis at her strip club waitress job.

Radar and Star are way ahead of Casey and they put together this priceless composite of what she might look like if she tried to nip and tuck the Alanis Morissette right off her face.

After hours upon hours of Radar's interns downloading a bootleg copy of Photoshop with most of the tools missing, they spent about 2 quick seconds coming up with this masterpiece! So now you know to keep your toddlers, duct tape supply and chloroform stash away from a Sim with Giada Laurentiis face and modern day Kimmy Gibbler hair. You've been warned.

Here's the trailer for Jack And Jack, which stars Adam Sandler, Katie Holmes, Dana Carvey, Shaq and Al Pacino. If you haven't guessed already what the answer to the riddle about is, it's: WHY IN FRESH HELL ARE YOU DOING THIS AL PACINO?????????

Does Al Pacino have a secret love child who suffers from a rare disorder that can only be treated by eating a nutrient only found in hundred dollar bills so he has to take any job offered to him?! Is Al Pacino's for real goal in life to win every acting award imaginable including the Razzie? Has Al Pacino always had a strange fetish for Adam Sandler's GAP girl wig? Why else would Al Pacino want to play himself in a movie where he's supposed to be attracted to a tragic creature who was created using the worst features of Jill Zarin, Jennifer Aniston, Barbra Streisand and Blossom?!

On November 11th, if you're looking for a private place to take your fuck partner to for a quick beej, just sneak into a theater playing this busted mess, because NOBODY will be in there.

Watch it make $150 million in its opening weekend.

via Best Week Ever

The number "69" and the words "hot dog gobbling" are usually used together to describe a typical afternoon for John Travolta, but not this time.

Professional food binge-er Takeru Kobayashi wasn't allowed to swallow cold hot dogs and soggy buns (the story of Hugh Hefner's girlfriend's life) at Nathan's Annual Hot Dog Eating contest in Coney Island today, because he refused to sign an exclusive contract with Major League Eating. So Kobayashi went renegade and held his own contest at the same time as Nathan's on a roof top in Manhattan.

Kobayashi's arch rival Joey Chestnut won Nathan's contest for the 5th year in a row by deep throating 62 hot dogs in 10-minutes. But technically Kobayashi was the world champion hot dog gobbler of the day, because at his event, he made his stomach cry tears of processed meat by filling it with 69 hot dogs, beating Joey's old record of 68. Before pushing out his bloated muscled six-pack, the major league eating equivalent of pounding his chest, Kobayashi said this to the NYDN: "I think I showed them. I'm very happy about my win today but I feel like I'm not at my peak. I think I could go up to 90 or 85."

To which his bowels, b-hole, stomach and the starving children of Ethiopia simultaneously replied with, "Please fucking don't."

Below is the clip of Joey Chestnut and my favorite food eater Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas making delicious hot dogs look not-so-delicious. If you play this backwards in slow motion, that's exactly what their anuses looked like while purging out the digested hot dogs a few hours later. Pained expression and all.

And thank you to Kobayashi for showing us what Jillian Michaels' body would look like if she got knocked up (see picture above).

Oscar-winning actress, cookbook author, lifestyle deity, purveyor of knowledge, gangsta rapper, country music superstar, fashion icon, working mother, Martha Stewart's idol, outdoor pizza oven enthusiast and the pride of Britain... And now Gwyneth Paltrow can add "social network savior" to her flowing list of achievements. Fishsticks will take her oversharing to frightening new levels now that she has joined both Twitter and Facebook. Up until a few hours ago, Fishy left poking to the common folk and thought that hashtag was a smoking game her husband played by himself down in his man cave to deal with her ass on a daily basis. But Fishy's about to do a whole lot of both.

Fishy first Tweet came in the form of a video tour of her nostrils. Fishy is trying to make you think that the video is of her hailing a cab in NYC, but nope. She has ulterior motives. She's trying to let you know that this is what your nostrils should look like. If they don't, then you better gargle them out with flax seed oil and work on your yoga flares.

And there's a "like" button on Fishy's Facebook page as of right now, but don't think it'll be there for long. I mean, it's a given that you'll "like" everything she posts.

via Gawker

With the demand for penis clit videos on the rise, Chyna knows that now is the time for her to give the public what they want and she is returning to the world of porn! Chyna's debut sex tape was like the Planet Earth of sex tapes, because it showed us how the elusive (don't click on that) peirced clitordick behaves in the wild. And Chyna's going to give us more of that.

Steve Hirsch of Vivid Entertainment tells TMZ that Chyna came to him a while ago and let him know that she's ready to give her a cooch another whirl on the porn machine. Chyna had one request. Since she's a whole lotta woman, she needs a whole lotta man to handle her. So Chyna asked Steve to pair her up with the biggest male porn stars in the business. Steve gave her Evan and Lee Stone, and the three of them just shot a movie called Backdoor Into Chyna.

I'm extremely impressed that a dude can give Chyna fellatio and cunnilingus at the same time. Also, I'd take Chyna over Khloe Kardashian any day of the week, but nothing good can come out of something called Backdoor Into Chyna. That's like the activated charcoal of titles. My parts are dry heaving at the title alone. Actually, dry heaving genitals sound like a talent that could get me 3rd place on Greece's Got Talent. Be right back.