We Can All Go Home Now

Tommy Girl will drop to his knees at the whisper of a zipper heading down south, yet he can't fall a few centimeters to the floor to properly pay tribute to the ageless dusty Spanish rose that is La Duquesa de Alba! The same goes for that clown-faced Cameron Diaz!

Duchess de Alba did not beam down all the way from her summer casa on Qo'noS to be disrespected like this! Look at Tommy and Cameron smiling like they are one of her. Delusional assholes! If Duchess de Alba took shits (there's not a drop of waste in her), she would shit out prettier nuggets than Tommy and Cameron combined! This just confirms that Cameron and Tommy are the opposite of human, because any mere mortal instantly gets faint when they breathe in the blessed air dancing around Duchess de Alba's ethereal curly field of the dried tears of a million virgin angels. Cameron and Tommy are both guilty of treason and I hereby sentence them to a life without COCK.

While I write up their sentence on a scroll with a silver peen, curtsy while clicking through pictures of Spain's most exquisite and rarest gem. I also threw in a few pictures of Stepford Katie just in case Duchess de Alba's sheer beauty is too much for you to handle. Stepford Katie and Tommy Girl's public displays of fakeness will bring you back down.

Maddox got sick of spending his Friday afternoons picking the ticks out of Billy Goat Brad's face minge and flea dipping him per his mother's instructions, so he snuck into the barn over the weekend and cut the goat right off of his daddy! When Maddox made the first cut, Brad let out his last baaaaaaaaaaah.

Popeater has the blurry pictures of Brad driving around L.A. with a freshly trimmed beard on his face. So instead of looking like the crazy homeless man who lives under the pier and keeps the government from stealing his thoughts by braiding his beard (hey, I didn't say he was logical), he now looks like the crazy homeless man who lives under the pier and took a butter knife to his beard to keep the government from stealing his thoughts.

The truth is, even though the sight of Brad's dirty chin merkin made me want to roll around in Gold Bond powder, I'm going to miss his raggedy beard of dingles. I'll chew on my jacket in its honor today. And I hope Maddox gets a pretty penny for that shit when he sells it on eBay.

Suri Cruise is breathing a huge sigh of relief today, because she will no longer be woken up in the middle of the morning by her mother whispering secrets into the ear one of her plastic baby dolls. Suri has to learn over, grab one of her high heels off the floor and throw it at Stepford Katie's head. It's a fucking pain in Suri's ass. Hopefully, Katie won't be waking up Suri anymore because now she's got a friend of her own to whisper secrets to in her own room.

Katie joined her new bestest friend Angelina Ballerina at an event for her Dizzy Feet Foundation in Las Vegas yesterday. They are going to do everything together and you can tell Katie is full of happiness. I mean, bitch looks like she actually breathes oxygen and eats things that sprout out of the ground.

Even though Angelina Ballerina is a giant pink mouse in a pink tutu, she's still not as gay as Tommy Girl. And that's how his ass secretly likes it.

Why bother wasting your hard-earned coins by dropping them into a toll booth when you can just say a prayer, step on the gas and General Lee over that bitch like 22-year-old Yasmine Villasana did at the Dallas-Fort Worth Airport last Tuesday. You know that while she was soaring in the air, she took a swig from a flask, lit a cigarette and winked at the camera while Smokey and the Bandit "YEEEE-HAWED" from the sidelines.

MyFoxDFW says that Yasmine's Impala flew over one car before crashing into the ground and catching on fire. Witnesses say that Yasmine tried to get back into the car while it was burning up. That crazy bitch probably wanted to do it again. Bitch's got an itch for the thrill now.

Surprisingly, Yasmine only broke her wrist during the crash and nobody else was hurt. Yasmine told police she only drank one cranberry and vodka the night before. Yasmine also continued to roll out the hilarious lies when she claimed that someone rear-ended her. I believe her. The spirit of KITT tossed her over that toll.

Yasmine was charged with DUI. But did she pay the toll? Exactly.

Unless you're my neighbor who is staring at me through his window with binoclausrs, you can't tell that I'm dancing in front of my laptop in lucite heels, because God has sent down a virgin dove from heaven to deliver a very important message to the world: THE EMPRESS OF LUCITE IS GOING TO BE ON CELEBRITY REHAB!!!!!!! The clouds in my world had gone dark after Rue McClanahan's death, but a light wrapped in lucite is now shining through.

TMZ says that Shauna has clicked her exquisite lucite heels and is floating to Dr. Drew's rehab facility in Pasadena right now. They didn't say if her addiction is to lucite or elegant ensembles from the Frederick's of Hollywood outlet, but I have a feeling Shauna is just doing this out of the goodness of her saintly heart. Shauna heard that the show is in danger of being sent to the guillotine because they didn't have any big celebrities, so she decided to lend her A-list (DON'T YOU DARE LAUGH!) name so that the show can go on. The Empress of Lucite's heart is as giving as her vagina. The Mother Theresa of porn stars.

Shauna will join a cast that already includes Tila Tequila, Gummi Bear and Jason Wahler. See what I mean? It's like fine caviar fresh out of a beluga's vagina surrounded by rotten pieces of government cheese that have been nibbled on by rabies infested rats.

But Vh1 should really consider changing the name, because Shauna Sand is more than a celebrity. She's nothing short of an angelic goddess with hair that resembles the waterfalls in heaven. So yeah, a name change is needed.

Unless La Pequeña gives a concert on the back of an El Camino in the parking lot of an El Super in South Gate, CA, this video right here is the most glamorous thing you'll see all week.

When the cops in Peru got into it with a stunning trans flower, her fellow beauties stepped in to defend her ass. The cops busted out of there, because they knew that they are powerless against several pairs of heavenly eyebrows that could make a grown cholita weep for days. The moral of this story is, don't ever fuck with a bitch in exquisite lucite heels.

via Buzzfeed (Thanks Mark)

When all the rumors about Matt Lauer passing his dick around the country started popping up again, singer Alexis Houston's name came up as one of his mistresses. Alexis claims she's one of Whitney Houston's cousins. Whitney hell-to-the-no-ed Alexis' claims and even sued her for fraud a few years ago. Anyways, after Alexis' name was tied to Matt Lauer's, she held an unnecessary press conference with her lawyer, famed mistress chaser Gloria Allred, and denied the allegations.

And that brings us to Page Six's story about how Alexis Houston used to be a dude named Wellington Houston. No wonder Whit Whit is always bathing in crack smoke. Bitch's fake cousin who used to be a dude looks better than she does. Bobby B will gladly pop Alexis' doody bubbles and then some (you decide what the "then some" is).

A source close to Alexis says that she got nipped and tucked three years ago. Alexis' boyfriend at the time paid for the surgery and the two later married in Niagara Falls.

Alexis refused to comment on this shit.

This tidbit wrapped in pastry dough doesn't really mean anything, but it did give me the beautiful image of Matt Lauer stuffing his face with a piping hot serving of Beef Wellington. Matt's wife always wondered why his crotch busted into a seizure whenever she ordered the Beef Wellington at their favorite restaurant.

So here's Billy Ray and Miley Cyrus pointing at a jellyfish in Mexico and trying to figure out how it will taste if they stuff if it into an armadillo and roast it on a barbecue made from a wheel barrow. And while they're focusing on that, I'm focusing on the B.U.M. Equipment tank top that is clinging on to Billy Ray's titty nipples. B.U.M. fucking Equipment!

I haven't seen a B.U.M. tank top since I wiped my forehead with one after choreographing a dance to a Mint Condition song in my mom's garage (SPOILER ALERT: That was last month). You know Billy Ray's got a pair of British Knights chanklas and a cock ring made out of snap bracelets. Bitch is the sharpest dressed possum at the ho down.

Meet Allen E. Brown (if you haven't already), the pimp from Jersey City who was sentenced to 18 years in the chokey for selling vagina out of his home with his mother. Pimp Brown was found guilty of racketeering and extortion. Shockingly enough, bitch was not found guilty of wearing that hot blooded fuckery on his head to court! Bitch doesn't have a pimp cane, he has a pimp whip on the side of his head! Don't make him slap you with his pony tail!

The judge shouldn't have thrown the book at him. The judge should've thrown a pair of scissors at his ass so he can cut that mess off. No, I shouldn't say that. I'm obviously just jealous that my head doesn't look like every hair show reject died on top of it. We should all be happy to see that one of Coolio's old dreads and Chilli's baby hairs found a new home. His scratch 'n sniff brows are so captivated with the exquisiteness going on above them that they are aching to be a part of it. We don't blame them.

Pimp Brown is going to make a stunning and ravishing Miss Cell Block Hair 2010.

Johnny Weir was a judge at last night's Miss Purdy Face 2010 when he really should've been on the stage demonstrating to those simple queens what the true definition of high glamour is. BOW DOWN. Johnny doesn't need to strut around in a two-piece to show America that he has natural grace running through the veins in his toes all the way up to the highest point on his follicles. All he has to do is show up in a bolero made of Muppet orgasms.

Actually, Johnny didn't show up wearing that jacket. The other queens found his beauty so inexcusable that when he was gliding across the hallways past them, they ripped the feathers from their evening gowns and threw that shit at him. The feathers clung to Johnny creating the glamorous spectacle you see before you. Those queens tried to dim Johnny's gorgeousness, but they only enhanced it. Johnny wears their hate and jealousy well.

Unfortunately, Johnny wasn't crowned Miss USA last night. Miss Michigan Rima Fakih was. Rima is either the first or the second Arab-American woman to ever be crowned Miss USA.

It wouldn't be a Miss USA pageant without someone screaming "ESCANDALO!" Although, this is about as scandalous as another ho dropping out of Tiger Woods' ass crack. Mojo in the Morning posted a few pictures of Rima wearing more than she did during last night's swimsuit competition while riding a stripper pole during a contest in 2007. The toddler who won Little Miss Miss 2010 probably has more scandalous pictures out there.

And since Rima tripped on her gown and referred to birth control as a "controlled substance," some crazy bitches are saying she only won because of political correctness. Some conservatives also used the "affirmative action" phrase. Jezebel has a complete run down if you want to get into that.

But seriously, why are people freaking out over a competition where the winner receives a year-supply of Nina Shoes. I mean, NINA SHOES! If Nina Shoes is involved, it's not that serious. Chinese Laundry on the other hand.....