We Can All Go Home Now
Pack up all your shit and let's all say our goodbyes to easy access porn, videos of cats riding on Roombas, 505 errors, and up-to-the-second reports of what strangers are having for lunch, because Prince has puckered up his lips and kissed the internet goodbye. The magical unicorn tampon who once offered up his album for free on the internet has declared that the world wide web is dead. Shut it down, Al Gore, the puckery precious one has spoken!
In a hilarious interview with The Daily Mirror, Prince says that he's doing something revolutionary by only releasing his new album in CD form (Yeah, I don't know what that is either...Cross Dressing form?). Prince won't ever release it himself on the internet. Prince explains:
"The internet's completely over. I don't see why I should give my new music to iTunes or anyone else. They won't pay me an advance for it and then they get angry when they can't get it. The internet's like MTV. At one time MTV was hip and suddenly it became outdated. Anyway, all these computers and digital gadgets are no good. They just fill your head with numbers and that can't be good for you."
If by numbers he means classic moving images of bitches falling off of coffee tables, then he's right. And I don't want the numbers to leave my head!
Do we really want to go back to jacking off next to each other in a crowded porn theater, because we can no longer enjoy fuck tapes from the comfort of our own basements? How am I going to anonymously curse a bitch out?! Do I really have to curse them out in a letter and submit it to the PennySaver in hopes that the object of my hatred reads it? We can't go back to that! Let's all grab on to the front door and refuse to let go until Prince makes nice again with the internet.
Here is Beth Ditto performing with The Gossip at the Wireless Festival in London....and I really don't know how to handle her eyebrow situation, among other things. I mean, her pomelo pussy haircut.... Her "King Koopa going to a fetish party" dress.... The way she's attacking that mic like it's a delicious chocolate-covered churro trying to run away (I was going to write "hard peen" but Beth is the opposite of strictly dickly).... And the brows....
THE BROWS! It looks like Beth drew on her brows while getting tickled in the no-no in the back of a pick-up driving down an extra bumpy road. What am I supposed to do with those brows? If you stare at them long enough it almost looks like her eye holes are giving birth to Bart Simpson.
I'm just going to leave these pictures for you right here while I go and sniff on a bunch of Sharpies. Maybe they will help me understand.
Everybody masturbate into a tub of popcorn while screaming REAL LOOOOOOUUUUD, because Pee-Wee Herman is cumming back to movie theaters. And this time he's going to keep his mecca hiney ho in his pants. I think.
Judd Apatow (the dude who directed Knocked Up & The 40-Year-Old Virgin) tells Variety that he is producing a brand new Pee-Wee movie which will be co-written by Paul Reubens and Paul Rust. Judd said, "Let's face it, the world needs more Pee-wee Herman. I am so excited to be working with Paul Reubens -- who is an extraordinary and ground-breaking actor and writer. It's so great to watch him return with such relevance."
Judd approached Paul Reubens about the idea of a new movie after watching his sold-out Pee-Wee stage show in Los Angeles.
So this means that we're also getting the triumphant return of Miss Yvonne, Dottie and Hermit Hattie! Are you taking notes Paul Squared, because these three bitches need to be in that shit.
And just for record keeping purposes, here's a portrait of Miss Yvonne today. Don't act like you don't want to see her in IMAX 3D.
Nerve asked a few Juggalos and Juggalettes including Dirty Byrd (above) to give out sex advice and to also share stories of all the magic that goes on at shows. Below is Dirty Byrd's answer to the question: "What's the craziest thing you've seen at a Juggalo event?"
Oh shit, where do I start? I was at a Miss Juggalette Pageant one night and I saw a girl get onstage and shove a twelve-inch kielbasa up her neden hole. Juggalos can’t dance, you know? So I guess they got to do something. Oh, we call vaginas nedens.
Kielbasa? Was there not a bottle of Faygo around to shove up her neden hole? What kind of Juggalette is she?
The cherry on top of this fuckery is that all of this started when the lesbian sumo wrestler said to her ex-girlfriend: "Keep smiling, cunt." This will be dramatized in my dreams tonight.
(Thanks Lady Shark & Ross)
This is exactly why the camera was invented. Since I'm on house arrest by order of the British Secret Service and can't even pop a nipple out of my window without getting bangers and mash thrown at me, I am solely relying on pictures to document Prince Hot Ginge's visit to NYC. Today is his final day and he went out with a boom and bang (which is the same sound no-nos make when thinking of PHG) at the Veuve Clicquot Polo Classic on Governors Island. PHG's horse just couldn't take the heat radiating off his fire pit, so it knocked him off and he ended up with his taint staring. It's like the sexy ginge version of the Care Bear Stare! I am totally going to have a body pillow made out of that picture.
You can exhale now, because PHG didn't get hurt. He laughed it off and continued with the game. But you know what I'm most concerned about? Are those people standing in the front even real-life humans who feel actual emotion? Why are they just standing there with plastered smiles on their faces while PHG is flying through the air? I mean, anybody with working genitals would've ripped their chonies off and thrown themselves on the grass to break PHG's fall!
Yes, PHG falling on your body could break your ribs and burst several of your organs. But there's also a good chance that PHG would roll over, see your nekkid ass, think to himself "sure, why not" and then give you a little bit of his ginger glaze. And none of those unfeeling bitches in the front took that chance? You know their genitals are frowning up at them. I know mine are.
Here's more pictures of Prince Hot Ginge riding and tumbling today, along with a few pictures of him at the The Achilles Hope And Possibility Race this morning. Apparently, PHG is flying back to Britain tonight. If you happen to be at the airport when PHG takes off tonight and notice a crazed gay clinging to the wheel of his plane, just drop your eyes while walking to the exit.
The Hollywood Reporter brings us the highly important news that international superstars (Just pretend we're back in the 80s! Life is more fun that way!) Tiffany and Debbie Gibson will battle it out in the Syfy original Saturday night movie Mega Python vs. Gatoroid! ! Debbie will play a dumb bitch animal-rights activist who releases illegally imported snakes into the wild where they grow into mega sizes. Tiffany will play a park ranger who is trying to save the endangered alligators from the mega snakes. Of course, it takes place in Florida. And I really hope that New Kids on the Block catering sign makes a cameo.
Debbie has previously starred in the Syfy movie Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, and Tiffany was in Mega Piranha. One of the executives at Syfy promises that there will a scene where the two brawl in a party and take it to the swamp. Unfortunately, the executive didn't promise a scene where the two dance-off to a mega mix of "I Think We're Alone Now (Except For That Mega Python Who Keeps Giving Us Eyes)" and "Out of the Blue....Comes A Gatoroid To Eat Us".
Debbie Gibson + Tiffany + the shittiest special effects ever created on a DOS machine = GOLD COVERED GOLD!
And I can't wait in 10 years when Hoku and Vitamin C star in the sequel to this mess.
Either Snoop Dogg is a genuine fanboy who won't even blow weed smoke towards the TV screen when True Blood is on or he needed a quick check, because he's going hard for Sooookeh in this tribute music video to her. The only thing that would've made this better is if Snoop gave those back-up dancers in the broke down Kim Zolciak wigs the day off, and let Lafayette swish and drop his honey buns in the background instead.
Tommy Girl will drop to his knees at the whisper of a zipper heading down south, yet he can't fall a few centimeters to the floor to properly pay tribute to the ageless dusty Spanish rose that is La Duquesa de Alba! The same goes for that clown-faced Cameron Diaz!
Duchess de Alba did not beam down all the way from her summer casa on Qo'noS to be disrespected like this! Look at Tommy and Cameron smiling like they are one of her. Delusional assholes! If Duchess de Alba took shits (there's not a drop of waste in her), she would shit out prettier nuggets than Tommy and Cameron combined! This just confirms that Cameron and Tommy are the opposite of human, because any mere mortal instantly gets faint when they breathe in the blessed air dancing around Duchess de Alba's ethereal curly field of the dried tears of a million virgin angels. Cameron and Tommy are both guilty of treason and I hereby sentence them to a life without COCK.
While I write up their sentence on a scroll with a silver peen, curtsy while clicking through pictures of Spain's most exquisite and rarest gem. I also threw in a few pictures of Stepford Katie just in case Duchess de Alba's sheer beauty is too much for you to handle. Stepford Katie and Tommy Girl's public displays of fakeness will bring you back down.