We Can All Go Home Now
Somebody has to look like every cartoon from my childhood (examples: Punky Brewster: The Cartoon, Jem!, Garbage Pail Kids and Maxie's World) exploded onto their body, and Willow Smith is just that somebody! 9-year-old Willow risked Pepe Le Pew getting hearts in his eyes for her by dipping her whippin' hair into a bowl of Wite-Out before the Emporio Armani show in Milan yesterday.
I'm not even going to try to wrap one thought around Willow's ensemble. When I was 9 years old, I'm sure I too wanted to wear two pairs of boots at the same time. It's like a pair of boots giving birth to another pair of boots! Don't question Willow! Just snort the Kool-Aid powder and nod your head.
And Jada Pinkett Smith must be deep into that Scientology crap, because her face is starting to look like something you might see on the cover of Weekly World News. Speaking of alien faces, Megan Fox and David Silver were also at the show today.
On The View this morning, one of the crumbs the hens viciously pecked at was the hair clip that Hillary Clinton wore to a meeting at the United Nations this past Sunday. Hillary was there to meet about what's going on in Pakistan and Haiti, but instead all eyes were focused on the hair clip she fished out of a swap meet discount bin circa 1988. Some moaned that it's very unprofessional-like for an important politician to wear her hair like my mom about to clean her oven. And others said that she's the Secretary of State so she can do whatever the hell she wants with her hair.
Personally, the hair clip is my favorite part of Hillary's whole look. My soul permanently lives in the mid-80s to early 90s, so I love hair clips. The only thing that would've made Hillary's look better is if she was wearing a banana clip, a velvet choker and black suede boots held up with rubber bands. Oh, and a scrunchie around her wrist. Basically, in a perfect world all our politicians would dress like extras from Beverly Hills 90210.
Central Park is no stranger to hosting junked out meth faces with bulging "wheresmynextfixwheresmynextfix" eyes, greasy hair and thirstay lips, so it warmly welcomed Boo Boo the Chihuahua into its field this afternoon.
According to Guinness Book of World Records, Boo Boo is the world's smallest dog! Boo Boo is 4 inches tall, 6.5 inches long and weighs 1.5 pounds. This isn't official, but I'm sure Boo Boo is also the world's smallest crackhead! I mean, why is she giving me a look like she'll follow me all the way home unless I give her a dollar or my watch. And I totally would. I bet Boo Boo smokes the tiniest crack rock on the tiniest doll spoon. That's kind of adorable, actually.
NO! Boo Boo is not the Pete Doherty of toy Chihuahuas. Boo Boo is just scared as hell. If a baby butterfly could take you in a street fight and a human fart could send you flying into the next dimension, you too would be frightened as all fuck. But Boo Boo really has no reason to be terrified, though. The wings on her gorgeous owner's hair will protect her now and for all time.
Here's more of the dog who is smaller than some dicks promoting the new Guinness Book of World Records 2011 in NYC today. The world's tallest dog (at 3 feet 5 inches) Giant George was also there! George is looking at Boo Boo like: "My nutsack is bigger than you."
Here's a sugary drop of Mah Boo Anderson Cooper to make your bowl of cereal marshmallows extra sweet this morning (that sentence was an internal monologue). Mah Boo proved that he's an expert multitasker by trying to woo a cab with his biceps and stone fox glare while hitting the pre-programmed "forward to the authorities" button on his phone when my number popped up. Mah Boo held on tight to the extra shirt he always carries around in case he needs to swat a certain gay gnat who comes fluttering around him. Swat me! Swat me!
And even though Mah Boo tried to mute his sexiness yesterday, he still made people "oooooh" from every open orifice (see thumbnail #3).
A bunch of Guns N' Roses fans in Dublin must have not received the world memo stating that Axl Rose is just like all of our relatives: the asshole is always tardy for the party! This is why you have to write the start time on the invitation as an hour earlier than it really is. Always.
Well, when GNR finally took the stage 90 minutes late without uttering one "We're sorry," several audience members expressed their rage through dance. And by that I mean they threw glass bottles at Axl's head. With that, Ireland just found their new official national sport.
Now the Irish believe that every drop of booze is made from the joyous tears of saints (as do I), so I'm sure all the bottles they threw at Axl's face were empty. They chugged, then tossed. Oddly enough, Axl didn't appreciate the wave of bottles coming at him so he quit that bitch.
But Axl had the last laugh, because later he came back out onstage, put all the empty bottles in a blue plastic bag and traded them in for 5 cents each. Axl laughed all the way to the recycling bank, where I'm hoping they took his bottles out of the bag and threw that shit back at his ass.
When Officer Ross Gilbert pulled over a car in Ohio for illegally tinted windows, the last thing he expected to see was the driver committing a DWJ (Drive While Jacking) but that's exactly what he found. Officer Ross tells Cincinnati.com that he got an eye full of Colondra Hamilton sitting with her pants unzipped and a sex toy on her crotch. Since Colondra didn't even bother trying to hide the mobile fuck party going on in her lap, I'm going to guess that she also threw him a "Come on in, motherfucker" look when he strolled on up to her window. A bitch who bones herself while driving is ready for anything.
Colondra wasn't alone in the car, and admitted to Officer Ross that while she put her pussy to the metal (or silicone, in this case), her passenger held up a laptop with a porn playing on it so she could get a good look. Once Officer Ross finished screaming WTF on a loop in his head, he charged her with "driving with inappropriate alertness" and for having tinted windows. Oh, and Officer Ross also found a crack pipe in the car, but you probably already guessed that some type of the bad shit must have been involved in this mess.
The thing that really gets me is that this horny ho wasn't pulled over for driving all sorts of crooked. She was pulled over for having tinted windows! Bitch had one hand on the wheel, one hand on the stick shift in her snatch and one eye on the road with the other eye on a porn! This is the art of multi-tasking right here! She's like a one woman BANG BUS! I don't know whether to take notes or alert the city of London, because this is definitely going to give George Michael ideas.
You have been wasting your time if you regularly dive into dumpsters outside of the True Blood set hoping to find the loose-fitting cotton condom ASkars puts around his peen during fake fuck scenes. Erase "Slap my snatch with ASkars' used dick sock (or a 'sewn at one end leg warmer' if my dreams are right) " from your cum bucket list, because it's never ever going to happen.
ASkars tells Rolling Stone (via UsWeekly) that while Sookeh wears a punane patch and Beeehl also uses a genital cover, he prefers to go bare.
ASkars put his lips to all of our ears and whispered, "I don't want a sock around it, that feels ridiculous. If we’re naked in the scene, then I’m naked. I’ve always been that way."
Or he could've just said, "I'm Swedish!" Whoever gets to sit in the True Blood editing room must have done some noble shit in a past life. Imagine getting paid to stare at ASkars' rolled-up Swedish pancake all day? Hmm. If you'll excuse me, I have to go sign up for film editing classes at the Learning Annex.
I interrupt our regularly scheduled fuckery to bring you the news that California's Prop 8, which doesn't let the gays and gayelles ruin their lives by getting married, has been overturned by U.S District Judge Vaugh Walker. I am celebrating by posting this picture of Mah Boo Anderson Cooper holding the beautiful furry bouquet he will carry down the aisle at our California wedding, which will be held in the parking lot of an In-N-Out. Visit Queerty to get all the details (on the ruling, not my delusional wedding).
And now let's get back to talking about important shit like what LiLo bought from the rehab vending machine today.
The most anticipated reunion since Celie and Nettie happened in Suffolk the other day when Meare Kat, a recent inductee into the Hot Slut Hall of Fame (or is it Shame?), was back in the arms of his owner, a 3-year-old boy named Ned. Everybody play "Reunited" on their Playskool Xylophones!
Meare Kat's real name is Bubba Cat, and Ned left him in a teashop in Suffolk last week. The teashop's owner started a Facebook campaign to find Meare Kat's real home and the rest is happy ending history. Ned's family read about Meare Kat's Facebook page on the Daily Mail.
Ned's mama je'e' told Metro UK, "Ned has two favourite toys, Bubba Cat and Big Cat. I bought them when he was born and he cuddles them from morning till night. He’s distraught when he’s without them. We had been searching for Bubba Cat since he went missing - I did buy him a new cat but he wanted his old one. He knew the difference."
While Ned and Meare Kat say hello again, you can say goodbye to the bags under your eyes you developed after not sleeping one second from being worried as fuck about Meare Kat's future. Although, maybe this isn't Meare Kat at all. Maybe that shady pussy Daniel Tiger Cat pulled a Don Draper and assumed Meare Kat's identity. I never trusted that bitch. Back to not sleeping!
The Crackhead Leprechaun of Mobile, Tallulah Bankhead, Toni Tennille, Lionel Richie and Nat King Cole are all bright shining stars who all hail from Alabama. Well, add Antoine Dodson to that list! Antoine is now an overnight hero after he stopped an intruder from getting on his sister in the middle of the night.
Antoine wants everyone in Lincoln Park to hide their kids, hide their wives, hide their husbands, and hide their everything, because somebody is snatching people out of their beds. Then Antoine let his sister's attacker know how this story is going to play out. There better be a sequel to this and it better be in IMAX 3D.
And just like that, A STAR IS BORN! You can run and tell that!
(Thanks to all who sent this in)