We Can All Go Home Now

37-year-old Megan Mariah Barnes was arrested last week in Florida after she caused a two-car crash on the highway, because she was shaving her bikini line behind the wheel. If that doesn't make your crotch hairs twitch, it gets better. While Megan was busy shaving her coochie coo, her ex-husband, who was sitting in the passenger seat, held the steering wheel for her.

One day before the shave and crash, Megan was convicted of DUI and driving with a suspended license, so she shouldn't have been driving in the first place.

The officer at the scene told KeyNews.com (via HuffPo) that Megan told him she was shaving her business on the road, because she was "meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit."

Megan was charged with driving with a revoked license, reckless driving, leaving the scene of a wreck with injuries and driving with no insurance.

Okay, these are my questions:

1. Is "I'll just shave my pussy in the car" the new "I'll just put my lipstick on in the car"?
2. Why couldn't Megan's ex-husband drive the car while she got her vagina sex-ready in the backseat? That's how a real lady does it.
3. Megan's ex-husband sniffs gas, right? Because who in Trish Cyrus Hell would hold the wheel while their ex-wife cleans up her punane to do fuck times with her boyfriend?!
4. Megan sniffs gas, right?
5. Couldn't Megan just spread a little Nair on her crotch before getting into the car and let it eat her pubes while she drove to the Super 8 to meet her boyfriend?
5. Megan obviously cares about maintaining her pussay situation at any cost, but why isn't she showing any love to those wrong ass ROOTS?! Bitch should've been touching up her roots in the car instead!

And just when I think Florida has given all it has to give, it gives even more. If Florida needed me to hold the steering wheel while it shaved its cooze in the car, I'd gladly do it.

This video of two My Little Ponies lip-synching to show tunes will make all your previous acid flashbacks seem inadequate.

via Buzzfeed

When Joan Henrietta Collins hit the runway at the Red Dress fashion show in NYC last night, every single person in the audience slapped themselves as though it had come from the diamond-covered hand of Alexis Carrington herself. And then Joan spread her chiffon red wings at the end of the catwalk, everybody in the room got a text message from their husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend or mother saying that they were leaving them for Joan Collins. That's right. Only this glamorous rhinestone minx can steal your man and slap you in the face with simply the raise of her wrist.

The homely creatures who followed Joan's eyelash-singing entrance should've stayed in the back eating stale bagels. Even if unicorns came flying out of their assholes, they still couldn't beat Joan.

If you feel like you need an ice cube on your tongue to heal the burns left by Joan Collins, here's pictures of everyone else who walked in the Red Dress show last night. They are: Raven (who looked like she had just suffered hours of electro-shock therapy), Kim Kardashian, Kristen Chenoweth, Felicity Huffman, Valerie Harper, Hasselcrack, Heidi Klum, Kimora the Terrible, and Bethenny Frankel.

Did St. Angie's hypnotic vagina tried to tame Lady CaCa's hermie peen? Did St. Angie bless Lady CaCa's tuck with her tongue? Did Lady CaCa lick on St. Angie's holy place? This is what someone whispered into the ear of Brangelina biographer Ian Halperin during an acid flashback. Ian wrote on his blog (via Showbiz Spy):

A source close to the actress told IUC late last night that there was recently a secret rendezvous between the two at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel that lasted all night. Apparently, Angie is obsessed with Lady GaGa. Still, I reserve judgment on this one until I see more proof. Developing…

This is what happens fan fiction GOES WRONG. Although, there's a chance this could be true. Maybe CaCa got sexy with St. Angie to get back into God's good graces, because Megan Phelps says he kind of hates her right now. Speaking of.....

Remember that "God Hates GaGa" song the hatress of hate put out last month? Well, she also put together a video using the old PC Junior computer my mom sold for $5 at a yard sale in the late 80s. I was wondering what became of that thing. Here's Megan's video:

Jokes on Megan, because God Hates HAGS too! So I guess Megan and I will be freaking on each other's legs to a Lady CaCa song on a dancefloor in Hell.

via ONTD

That is not a picture from the conception of Chicken Cutlets. It's from the 2pznappod blog who witnessed some crazy bitch Borat-ing a chicken on the 6 train in NYC last night. Actually, he out-Borated Borat by sharing an intimate moment with the chicken in front of everyone. Get a coop!

But seriously, you can't fully put the blame on the chicken humper. He's just taking orders from Ernie Anastos. Clip below:

You know, the chicken really does look alluring. The dude just can't help it. And imagine what he does with a 6-piece Chicken McNugget from McDonald's? He brings his own sauce.

The Chin sings! The curtain is about to fall on the long drawn-out melodramatic butt opera starring Conan O'Brien and NBC. The peacock announced this morning that after a long night of negotiations (please, you know they were just passing the bong around), a divorce settlement with Conan has been reached. They will put out an official official statement later on this morning.

According to the New York Times, the agreement is worth $45 million. Conan gave up some of his own severance to his staff. In the end, Conan's checking account will get stuffed with around $32 million. Conan's staff will get the rest.

Per the agreement, Conan can sashay over to a new network in about 8 months. Conan's manager issued a statement to the Wall Street Journal, and said that he can't wait to return to late night:

"Conan was appreciative of the steps NBC made to take care of his staff and crew, and decided to supplement the severance they were getting out of his own pocket. Now he just wants to get back on the air as quickly as possible."

Conan's final song and dance for NBC will be this Friday. After that, Conan will be free to apply a heaping amount of SPF:Infinity onto his nalgas and spend the next few months sunning his shit.

And now, every member of the "I'm With Coco" movement can re-purpose their posters and get behind a REAL cause:

TRUTH!

(CoCo image via Buzzfeed)

Star Magazine doesn't want you to fully digest food or feel any life in your genitals today, so they have put OctoMom on their cover with the words "My New Bikini Body." Sperm counts will drop!

I also have a feeling that supermarket checkout lines will be a ghost town this week, because when hos get a good look at this, they will abandon their shopping cart full of food and go back to bed! I think I'd rather see Glenn Beck's new bikini body (which looks something like this) than OctoCrazy's. NOT TODAY. NOT EVER.

In the issue, Octo claims that a back alley surgeon's rusty knife didn't help her lose the baby weight. Octo says it was equal parts exercise, diet and determination, "I wanted to prove to myself that I can do it on my own, naturally. My friends call me Rubber Band because I always snapped back so quickly after my other kids!"

No, they call her rubber band, because her uterus is being held together with one. And this loon didn't lose the weight with diet and exercise. Bitch's fat cells can't even stand to be near her, so they quietly slipped out the back door. Octo's uterus tried to be slick and go with them, but she has a tracking system on that bitch. It's not going anywhere.

On last night's Lopez Tonight, Jennifer Love Hewitt was on the show to whore out her new book on relationships and dating. That's another joke for another day. In the book, JLove writes about how she decorated her vagina with crystals after a break-up. Yes, bitch gave herself an Edward Cullen creampie!

JLove loves her disco ball pussy so much that she thinks all women should look like Glamberace directly blew an air kiss into their coochie.

Is nothing sacred anymore?! There's already a pussy dye out to make your labia toddler pink again, and now JLove wants you to throw some rhinestones on it?! FOR WHY?! Is JLove's vagina going to be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars? Seriously, unless you're planning on entering your pussy into a child beauty pageant or RuPaul's Drag Race, there's no reason for you to vagazzle your business.

That being said, I must excuse myself, because my no-no has an intimate date with a BeDazzler.

Jersey Shore won't be the only reality show this winter that will make you want go to confession and dip your genitals in a bowl of holy water. Starting January 3rd, Vh1 is rolling out The Enterainer's (of I Love New York & I Love Money) own reality dating show called....Frank the Entertainer In A Basement Affair. Yes, this motherfucker is called A BASEMENT AFFAIR! Solange (aka Basement Baby) better be ringing all the alarms over this mess. They are infringing on her copyright! While I search the PennySaver for a lawyer who will work for moth balls, read the show's description:

Fifteen beautiful women traveled to New York for Frank, only to find out that they won’t be living in the elaborate mansion they expected – they will be living in Frank’s parents’ house! Outspoken Mom Susan and Dad Gary are so desperate to have 32-year-old Frank move out of their basement that they have decided to make finding Frank love a family affair.

The girls will have to compete for Frank’s love, and follow Mom and Dad’s house rules if they want to stay in the house. Each week at elimination, Frank will give the ladies keys to his basement, and those locked out will have to pack up, and move out.

Vh1 doesn't even have a barrel to scrape from anymore. Remember the golden days of Vh1 when a tramp could hold her head up high after being cast in Flavor of Love 2? The local strip club would throw her a pussy parade and she'd get the official key to the city's free clinic? The hos of A Basement Affair won't even get a complimentary side of cole slaw at Denny's! Sigh.

That being said, my Tivo will be hugging this show. I mean, how can I say no to these 5 lovelies below? The first lady below is Ann. I think she can stumbled into the basement on accident while making her way to a knitting circle.

A police officer in Arkansas was suspended with pay after he tasered a 10-year-old girl who was throwing a fit on the floor. The officer was not suspended for electrocuting the girl. He was suspended because he did not have a camera with him to record the incident. The police department was probably pissed about the camera thing, because they figured footage like that would've won them first place on America's Funniest Home Videos. Ugh.

It all started when the 10-year-old refused to take a shower and go to bed. The girl did what most 10-year-olds do when they don't get their way - she threw a fit. Most good mothers would give the girl a cocktail or a bong to calm her down. But this dumb ass mother called the police.

When Officer Dustin Bradshaw showed up to the home, he found the girl (who is 4'6" and weighs 65 pounds) screaming and kicking. According to the police report, the mother told Officer Dustin that he could tase her if he needed to. Officer Bradshaw wrote in the report that he tried to get the girl to stop by telling her she was going to jail, but homegirl was not scared. She is obviously a proud graduate of Latarian Milton's University of Hood Rat Stuff.

Officer Dustin stepped up his game and tried to handcuff the girl. She fought with him and ended up kicking him in the nuts. That's when Officer Dustin said he "lightly stunned" her in the back. The girl stopped fighting and Officer Dustin was able to handcuff her. She wouldn't walk, so he had to carry her to the police car. She was then transported to a youth shelter.

The police chief pretty much stood by his officer's decision. He said that the girl will be charged with disorderly conduct and the officer won't face additional disciplinary action.

The girl's father however wants the Arkansas State Police to investigate the incident. If they won't, he's going to ask the FBI for help. He said, "My daughter does not deserve to be tased and be treated like an animal."

Everyone is going CRAZY! Babies are getting slapped by strange pepaws at Wal-Mart! Kids are getting maced by drag queens on the subway! And now little girls are getting tasered by police officers while their mothers shake their heads in approval. What the hell is next? We shouldn't be surprised if we hear about a kindergarten teacher engaging in a shoot out with her students on the playground.

Sources: Fox News and TSG