The Other Two Kardashians

Well well well... Just days after Brandi Glanville bragged about putting her mouth on an oily, half hard wiener, LeAnn Rimes practically did the same thing at a Mavericks game in Dallas last night. Is there any part of Brandi's life this bitch won't copy + paste onto hers? Bitch is as shameless as the sick dragon dog-loving porn freaks out there who are totally fapping to this and this (although, sh e might be gagging herself to skinny in the second one).

I know the real story here is that LeAnn is not wearing a bikini (mark this day, etc...), is not Twatting and is putting something in her mouth other than her own fucking foot, but I'm going to ignore both of those things to say how disappointed I am that Khloe Kardashian didn't let out an attack roar before jumping on LeAnn. I've been waiting for a sequel to Mothra vs. King Kong for forever!

Because The National Enquirer has solved the case! Their paternity test experts took a patch of Khloe Kardashian's back fur that got stuck on a tree trunk as she ran through the forest in search of pygmy goats to eat and tested it with a DNA sample they got from O.J. Simpson's ill-fitting glove. It was a match! O.J. IS the father. The birds of the forest just fled from the trees as Harry from Harry and the Hendersons made the ground quake by doing the Not Father Dance. I guess that bareback quickie he had in the shrubs after eating ten too many fermented peaches was with a half-shaven baboon after all and not Pimp Mama Kris. It's an easy mistake to make.

The National Enquirer (via DM), who are obviously going hardcore for the Pulitzer Prize in comedy this year, heard from a source that a couple of years before Khloe was born, Pimp Mama Kris had an affair with the monster who would go on to murder the so-called best friend she sold out in a tell-all. The source says the proof is in the face of O.J.'s daughter Sydney, because they think she looks just like Khloe. The source went on to spit this dollop of pricelessness:

"O.J. told me Khloe's his child. It was the big secret that no one in the two families would discuss. And Robert admitted he and Kris were not having sex at the time Khloe was conceived. O.J. bragged about his sex life and many female conquests, which he said included some of his best friends' wives.

He used to tell us way back - even before he and Nicole got divorced - that he had a love child with the wife of a wealthy family. But at the time of Khloe's birth, it would have been devastating for the news to come out that America's biggest sports hero had fathered a love child."

Oh shit, that is good. The National Enquirer should just handle every story from now, because they are masters at spinning a whole lot of WHO CARES into gold. They're like Fuckerystiltskin. But they're not completely off base. Before Pimp Mama Kris was a bona fide pimp, she was a bona fide whore to the core so you shouldn't put it past her. That said, this isn't true ("Thank you Professorina Obvious" - You to Me). O.J. is a heartless monster, Pimp Mama Kris is a heartless minion of Satan and the only crime against humanity Khloe is guilty of is this.

And of course, Kim had to stick her Twatter into this:

Now we have all the answers! It makes sense now! Khloe u are so tan!

Kim, kindly suck on a giant Shut The Fuck Up. I'll paint it black if that helps. Kim is just bringing this up so hos will temporarily forget that she would be nominated for a Razzie for her emotional performance in that SUV ride she faked for her reality shit show. Kim, just because we're laughing at O.J. doesn't mean we still can't smell the burnt fakeness wafting off of your ass. Put down the Febreze, it doesn't mask the stench.

Asking "Which Kuntrashian can you stomach the most?" is just like asking "Would you rather eat hyena diarrhea, armpit cheese or Ke$ha?", but most hos would probably say that they can take Khloe Kuntrashian (she's armpit cheese, by the way) the most. So because of this, many believe that Khloe does not have Kardashian blood running through her veins. Pimp Mama Kris has denied this a million times over, but Robert Kardashian's ex-wife and widow claim that he told them he was NOT the father. I don't know if I should be happy or sad that Maury's team is trying to get DNA swabs from Chewbacca, Ludo from Labyrinth, Chyna and Andre the Giant's corpse for a very special Kardashian episode for sweeps.

Jan Ashley married Robert Kardashian right after his marriage to Pimp Mama Kris shriveled into nothingness, and she tells Star Magazine that he confessed to her that he knew he wasn't Khloe's biological father.

"Khloe is not his kid -- he told me that after we got married. He just kind of looked at me and said [it] like it was a matter of fact. He said, 'Well, you know that Khloe's not really a Kardashian, don't you?' And I said…'OK,' and that was it."

Robert's widow, Ellen Kardashian, backs up Jan's ESCANDALOSO words. According to Ellen, Robert told her that he wasn't even dipping into Pimp Mama Kris' kunt maker at the time Khloe was conceived. Pimp Mama Kris even admitted in her book that she screwed around with a side piece named Ryan around the time Khloe was made. Jan lays it out like this:

"Khloe brought it up all the time. She looked nothing like the rest. She was tall, had a different shape, light hair, curly hair. Didn't look anything like the other three children. Robert did question the fact that Khloe was his. Any normal man would if they knew their wife had cheated on him. [But] he never would have considered a DNA test. He loved her very much."

DISCLAIMER: Ellen Kardashian filed for Chapter 7 in 2010 and lost her home to foreclosure this past October. So if you want to, you can file all of this under: Taking A Page From Pimp Mama Kris' Handbook On Shamelessly Whoring For Some Quick Coin.

It really doesn't matter at this point if Robert isn't Khloe's biological father or if she's the product of Pimp Mama Kris' wild night at a sex party in Narnia. The damage has already been done. The Karkrashian trifecta is complete and there's no going back. Besides, Robert Kardashian isn't Kim, Kourtney or Khloe's father anymore. After they drained the blood from their bodies and replaced their veins with water from the river of wailing, they became Lucifer's daughters! And by Lucifer I mean Ryan Seacrest.

And here's some pictures from last week of Khloe and Kim confusing the animals at the Dallas World Aquarium, because those two should be the ones in a cage.

What's that saying? You can Photoshop a skid mark, but it's still a skid mark. The Kardashians proved that saying right for their annual sacrifice to the Adobe Gods. Last year's Karkrashian Khristmas Kard theme was "kreepy, kooky & kunty" and this year's theme is obviously hall of the sequined dead souls. This is the picture that's on the cover of the pamphlet Lucifer hands you when you're about to sign your soul over to him and he wants to make sure you're making an educated decision that's best for you.

These whores didn't even pose together. They took their pictures separately, threw them all under the silhouette of three giant titty balls (or are those used condoms?) and used the constipation tool to make all of them look like wax mannequins with the hard shits. They also pulled pounds of Sasquatch blubber from Khloe's legs and piled it all on Kourtney's ass. Not to mention that Pimp Mama Kris is the only one not wearing black and white. A wreck. But it was nice of those Kardashians to represent Kris Humphries' personality with that wooden chair in the back.

And this mess also comes in 3D. When you put on the glasses, a double stream of Ray J's piss comes splashing at you. Happy Pissmas from the Kuntrashians!

Unsuspecting Dallasites were sitting at lunch yesterday afternoon when the cup of sweet tea on their table started to quiver Jurassic Park-style from the quiet boom of impending doom coming its way. It wasn't caused by a T-Rex's stomps or from the vapid whore bitches of The A-List: Dallas sucking all the oxygen from the city by gathering together in one room for the reunion. WORSE! It was from the entire city dry heaving over the upcoming terrorization of THE KUNTRASHIANS! Board up your windows, hide all the black dick and hang all your cameras in the trees, because the Kuntrashians will wet hump any lens they come across.

The L.A. Times Lakers Blog reports that Khloe Kardashian's husband Lamar Odom was traded from the Lakers to the Dallas Mavericks, because apparently they want to dump his $17 million salary and use that money to pick up Dwight Howard. And because they're sick of the taste of bile that fills their mouths every time they stare at the piles of useless dumps sitting courtside for practically every game. Khloe already said that she'll gallop after Lamar wherever he goes and wherever Khloe goes, so does E!'s cameras, the other Kuntrashians, a Dash store and her secret wookie pack who will NOM NOM on half of the city's supply of small dogs. Khloe got on her Twatter shortly after Lamar's trade was announced and said leaving L.A. is giving her the sads:

We are all sad but positive energy gets you farther then negative.

I have no doubt about it! I am excited :) I know this is for a reason.

Isn't there a team in Chernobyl Lamar could've been traded to? The Kuntrashians have already infected L.A. and NYC, and now those human herp warts are sprouting up in Dallas? I know everything is bigger in Texas, even the Karkrashians, but this isn't right. Just image Khloe in a cowboy hat and splitting ear drums in half by putting a Texas twang on her slutty baby voice. Not only that, but think of the rodeo bulls. They already have it bad enough and now when Khloe struts into the rodeo, they'll be left wondering why that big beast gets to sit in the stands while they get rode hard? GOD: There isn't one.

And here's the soon-to-be Sasquatch of Texas taking Mason out for his weekly photo-op.

Today, we are all Sigourney Weaver and this UsWeekly cover is the alien nest she discovers. They're spawning! The whorror never ends. Four weeks ago, Pimp Mama Kris gathered all of her precious whore loaches together and demanded that one of them deliver a smoke screen baby to distract everyone from the fact that they're all soul-fucking whores of the highest order. Pimp Mama Kris mostly stared at Kourtney Kardashian during this conversation since every time Lamar Odom mounts Khloe, the Wookie wail of ecstasy she lets out scares the neighborhood children and Bruce Jenner has to run into the room with a garden hose and a hot fireplace poker. So Kourtney it is!

Kourtney announced this morning that she's 9 weeks knocked up with her third child (Scott Is Dick being her first and Mason being her second). Yeah, Kourtney is saying 9 weeks, but I'm saying that the three kings of hell have plenty of time to get a present for the spawn that will keep the evil going since I'm sure she'll magically be a few weeks overdue. Here's Kourtney and Scott reading from the script Pimp Mama Kris gave them:

The E! reality star, 32, took a pregnancy test about five weeks ago -- and woke up Disick, 28 (not a morning person!), around 7.a.m. to tell him the positive results.

"Now I'm nine weeks along," Kardashian tells Us. "You're supposed to wait 12 weeks to tell people, but I feel confident."

"It wasn't like we weren't trying," Disick, 28, says. "We kind of just said, 'If it's meant to be, it'll be.'"

Kourtney also launched some stupid ass mommy blog on Monday. Koincidence! The Kuntrashian plague continues and there will be several more weeks of listening to Kourtney's warped cassette tape voice fart on and on about how she laughs every time the ultrasound tech blacks out American Horror Story-style when she gets a sonogram. I mean, where is a swarm of locusts when we really really really need them?

Here's Kourtney doing stupid shit in L.A. yesterday with Lady CaCa's sister Lady PeePee (You know Kim's crotch makes a Slushie every time she hears that name).

Seen here locking out Kim Kardashian's check cashing cooch until Pimp Mama Kris finds a suitable (read: dumb, rich, famous and with a bladder that's always ready to party) suitor for her to suck the life out of, the KKK are on January's cover of Glamour (just read that as "Glum Whore" and it'll make more sense) Magazine and are giving their first interview since they pulled a giant scam on everyone. The already annoying interview turned into an annoying dry queef fest about how Kim's dream of becoming a mom at 30 is officially dead and it's only a matter of time before Pimp Mama Kris closes a deal with E! for a 16 hour-long "Kim & Her Uterus Say Goodbye To Each Other FOREVER" special. After Kim covered the permanently-attached silicone alien mask on her face with a "WOE IZ ME" mask, the KKK got deep:

Kim: ...I think I'll always be a hopeless romantic.

GLAMOUR: What do you mean by that?

Kim: It means that I believe in love and the dream of having a perfect relationship, but my idea of it has changed. I think I need to not live in a fairy tale like that. I think I maybe need to just snap out of it and be a little more realistic.

Khloé: I love Kim's belief in love and the fact that she feels so strongly about it. She has that dream every girl has.

Kim: Well, I don't think I have it right now.

Khloé: Which is fine, but I'm your sister and I know why you don't have it right now. But I know you will get it again.

Kim: I hope I do. But by then I hope maybe I'm a little bit more realistic.

GLAMOUR: Realistic about what?

Kim: The fact that what I want isn't possible.

Khloé: What, a guy on a white horse coming to get you? That doesn't happen!

Kim: I don't know. I always wanted what Mom and Dad had. And at first I was like, I want six kids. Then I went down to four, then I was down to three.and now I'm like, maybe I won't have any. Maybe I'll just be a good aunt.

Khloé: But Mom and Dad got a divorce, and she met Bruce. And you were a child; you don't know what Mom and Dad had. As an outsider looking in, it probably looked like paradise.

Kim: At this moment in my life, I feel like maybe I'm not supposed to have kids and all that.

Khloé: Oh my God. Don't be dramatic all of a sudden!

Kim: That's how I feel. Maybe my fairy tale has a different ending than I dreamed it would. But that's OK.

Before Pimp Mama Kris ran that interview through the fake machine, it really read like this:

Kim: .....I think I'll always be a hopeless famewhore.

GLAMOUR: What do you mean by that?

Kim: It means that I believe in whoring myself out for fame at any cost and dreaming of having permanent relevancy, but the game has changed. I think I need to be choosier about the fake husbands I cast. Did you see the first episode of Kourtney & Kim Take New York? Of course you did. Over 3 million stupid fucks did. Cha-ching, beyotches! You saw how Kris farted in my sister's face on camera. He farted on my sister on camera! I know Kris was my stage husband, but he signed a contract in blood stating that I'm the only one he's supposed to perform a bodily function on in front of the cameras. I was humiliated! How can I have a publicity stunt baby with a monster who farts on my sister? That's cheating!

Khloé: Wookie like eating baby. Wookie like eating baby.

Kim: Um. Anyway, back to me. I don't have that dream anymore.

Khloé: But Wookie want baby to NOM NOM on.

Kim: No, you dumb dumb! I'm still going to have a baby, but I'm going to be a little bit more materialistic about it and I don't need a fake husband to do it.

GLAMOUR: Materialistic how?

Kim: Everybody is having a baby with their husbands. That's been done, is boring and only gets you a maximum of 3 People Magazine covers. That's why I'm going to get knocked up and won't tell anybody who the father is. The evil scientists at E! are making a fetus out of my old face and all the used condoms I stole from Reggie Bush's trash can as we speak. Think of all the magazine covers, specials and endorsement deals with Indentigene! There'll be a "Who Shot A Load In Kim's Pussy?" special and covers of Life & Style will be flying out of my twat like black dick does. You stupid Americans will eat it up and I'll be more rich and more famous than ever. I'm so glad dad sold my soul to the devil to get O.J. off. No morals equals more money! Cha-ching!

Khloé: Wookie happy about having baby to nibble nibble.

Kim: Wait! How did you sneak into the middle again? Get back, beast! Back! I'm the Chynna! You're the Carnie! To the side where you belong.

I know, the better question is: Why should you dip into your precious pile of fucks and give one to this flavorless fart of a non-story? Well, it's either that or you can continue trying to break the Guinness World Record for creating the longest Christmas Tree garland made out of paper clips. Yeah, since I put it that way. You better raid the supply closet behind the office manager's desk before they come back from their cry break in the bathroom.

Life & Style says that Scott Disick (phonetically pronounced: IS A DICK) hasn't been sitting with the Kardashian Kunts in the Dancing with the Shats audience to clap for one of their own, because Kourtney has banned him from most of the tapings. The reason being that there's only five chairs at their table and one goes to Kourtney, one goes to Pimp Mama Kris, one goes to Pimp Mama Kris' ego and two go to Kim's double Mount Doom ass. No, the reason is that before Kourtney got knocked up, Scott screwed on Kristin Calamariorhwatever from The Hill. So the Kardoucheians hate Kristin and Kourtney refuses to let Scott's gaze touch her arch rival. The source put it like this:

"While Kourtney and Scott were on a break, Scott hooked up with Kristin. Scott and Kourtney argued about Kristin. Kourtney can't stand her now and didn't want Scott at show tapings. Scott and Kristin hooked up in Las Vegas during a time [February 2009] that he was on a break from Kourtney. She and her sisters have called Kristin 'the whore bag' ever since."

HOLD THE WHORE! A bunch of talentless whores tried to insult a talentless whore by calling her a "whore bag" and the sheer hyporcrisy of this didn't create a gaping rapture hole bigger than the one that made Kim a star?! God better answer to that one.

And since when is "whore bag" an insult in the Kardashian family? I thought "whore bag" meant "I love you" in Kardashian talk. I mean, it's true that Kim knew her mother really appreciated her as a daughter when Pimp Mama Kris pinched her ass cheeks and said, "You did good, you big whore bag," after she made her first million from Vivid.

Kim Kardashian is canceling the rest of her Australian press tour ("YAY!" - Australia) and coming back to the US ("BOO!" - The US), because the black hole in her chest is filling up with sadness and she can no longer go on doing whatever it is she does for money. Yes, it must be hard cracking the strings of Botox in your face by projecting a sad when on the inside you're creaming about how much attention your stupid ass is getting. Bitch, sad harder. Kim looked more genuinely sad about almost losing her $75,000 diamond earring than she does about her marriage ending.

Both UsWeekly and TMZ report that Swisse vitamins marquee paid Kim $150,000 to represent them at the Melbourne Cup Carnival this Saturday, but she let them know that she and Khloe aren't going to be there. Some source says that Kim told them, "I need to take care of me now, and I can't work for awhile."

We have finally found Kim's other talent besides scam artistry. Kim is a master at making laughs! She needs to "take care of me now" and can't "work" for awhile? The day that Kim takes care of anybody other than Kim is the day that I actually make a morning piss without hitting the bathroom tiles (I'm re-enlisting in potty training classes, don't worry). The day that Kim does something that actually counts as real work is the day that I don't watch European gay porn while eating white cheddar Cheez-Its (It's like scratch-and-taste porn).

Oh, Kim, pretending to be sad has turned you into a regular fucking laugh machine. And speaking of laughs, click here to see a scene straight out of Khloezilla Takes Australia . A camera falls on her head!

That look of sheer revenge in Khloe's eyes. Why do I have a feeling that later that night, the pap was overheard screaming in his backyard, "A Khloe ate my baby!"

Here's some pictures of Kim and Khloe promoting their dumb purse line at a mall today. If your child cries while meeting a Kardashian and it isn't because they're afraid one of those skanks' fat asses is going to swallow them whole, CPS should take them away from you.

If you polled a hundred people on if the Kuntrashian Klan look like a) a trio of kow gonads sprayed with a mixture of lead paint and bile; or b) a trio of transflowers, not one ho would let the letter "b" fall out of their mouth. But that's not what the Kuntrashians think. Khloe, Kim and Kourtney tell xoJane (via Radar) that when they were teenagers their dad bought them lessons with a make-up artist for Christmas and ever since then they always leave the house looking like like their tuck game is unstoppable. Let the eye rolling begin....

Khloe: We joke and we say we are like trannies because we love hair and makeup. I don’t think we necessarily need it, but we love it. But Kim, definitely, if you take off what’s on her face, her face is the exact same. She doesn't need it -- it's just like a mind thing to her. She really doesn’t need any of that on her face.

Khloe: At first we had like publicists and people who would tell us, “Girls, tone it down, stop wearing all the makeup.” But they we would read on our blogs -- like in the comments and everything -- and everyone was like, “What lipstick is this, what mascara do you use?“ We were like, "We love makeup -- so why try and be what we are not?"

It's already bad enough that Mr. Snuffaluffagus can't wander around Sesame Street without someone stopping him to say how much they love his reality show on E!, but now those KKK Kunts are offending the entire trans community with this inaccurate comparison? Stupid heffas. They wish they looked like transflowers. The only thing the Kardashians look like they're transforming from is a piece of shit into an ever bigger piece of shit. Pimp Mama Kris better lay the pimp smack down on these trash can trollops for this.