Crackheads

The peace and quiet that has fallen over London these past couple of months has come to an end now that Amy Wino is back from her sitdown performance as the resident drunktard of St. Lucia! Crackzilla arrived back in Britain yesterday and didn't waste any time getting back to her old ways. Ah. The world can spin again.

The Sun says that before Wino's raggedy ballet slipper even touched the ground of London, she was already beating hos down for giving her the side-eye! On her flight back to the UK, Wino thought some dude on the plane was giving her "strange looks" so she unleashed her fury on him. A source said, “Amy went wild. She thought this guy was giving her strange looks and just lost it. She was nervous about coming back and seeing Blake so it didn’t take much to push her over the edge.”

What's the saying? Never give a horse the side-eye? Never wink at a horse's ass? Or never look a gift horse in the mouth? Whatever it is, that shit goes for Wino. Never look at a Wino unless you want the gift of a beat down followed by a bad case of rabies. When the Wino is in your presence, you keep your head down, your crack rocks close and your eyes to yourself. That stupid passenger bitch had it coming! And on a Sunday! The free clinic ain't even open on Sundays. Bitch deserved it.

And the crackhive has returned to its rightful owner as well! It's like she never left! But if you're in North London, maybe you should lock your doors, board up your windows and bury your crack pipes. It's better to be safe than Wino.

Blaaaaake busted out of the chokey this week and it was reported that Amy Wino was on her back to England to jump into his heroin-loving arms to make crack chirruns or something. Well, apparently, Blaaaake isn't interested anymore and is fleeing Britain. Yeah, something in the leche ain't clean.

The Sun says that Blaaaake is done and done with the Crackie of Camden and wants to move on with his life (it's news to me that he has one). Friends say he has refused to see Wino, because he thinks she's a bad influence on him now. This just confirms that the skank is crack damaged in the brains. Please don't put a floppy dick in my mouth and tell me it's hard.

The friend added, “His mum Georgette plans to sell up and get Blake to another country. They don’t want to squander all the hard work.”

Hard work? Oh, I see. Blaaaake believes the rumors that Wino is off the crack, so all his hard work from snorting, injecting and puffing so much will go to waste if she tries to get him off the bad shit.

Wherever he goes, Wino's crackhive will find him. It has skills. So Blaaake should flee to another planet instead. I hear Uranus is nice this time of year. Seriously, Uranus is severely underrated.

Blaaaaake was freed from the prison house yesterday and this was news to Amy Wino. Wino was over in her new adopted homeland of St. Lucia when she heard about the news. The bitch dropped her coconut-made crack pipe and started to make plants to get off the island to head back to her Blaaaake in England.

A source told The Sun, “Hearing Blake was out brought lots of emotions back for Amy. She feels like she was the last to know he was getting released and that hurt. She is desperate to see him again and wants to work things out. She still loves him.”

This is good for St. Lucia, but bad for England. St. Lucia is finally getting rid of their very own smoke monster, but Camden better brace themselves. When Wino and Blaaaake embrace for the first time, crack rocks will multiply, ballet slippers will cause chaos in the streets from trying to get away and Wino's crackhive will burn itself in a fire.

The Prime Minister should do the right thing and close the borders to Gargamel-looking crackheads before it's too late. For the sake of Camden!

Hide your crack rocks and stash away your pipes, because Blaaaake has been freed from the chokey! The drug dealers will be holding a parade later today in Camden to celebrate this joyous occasion! Let's all OD and do the heroin shimmy seizure in his honor!

According to The Sun, Amy Wino's Blaaaake was released from prison this morning in Suffolk. He was originally sent to the clink last July for 27 months, because he bribed a witness in a trial. This past November, Blaaake was sent to rehab, but went right back after he failed a drug test.

The Crackie of the Caribbean couldn't make Blaaaake's welcome party outside of the prison, because she's busy scaring off the tourists in St. Lucia. Instead, his mommy was there to pick him up and take him away. There's no word on where Blaaaaake is heading next. I'm guessing he'll show up in a crackhouse near you.

And if you pick up a shell and put it to your ear, you can probably hear Wino screaming "Blaaaaaaaake" from St. Lucia.

If this shit is true, then I will quit this bitch and become Sean Peen's personal nostril cleaner. Shit, I'd be his nostril cleaner anyway. Think of all the sugar he's got up there. I'd scrape it out, sell it back to his cokey ass and use the cash to build the Mother's Circus Animal Cookie house of my dreams!

The Sun says that Sean ran into his old bitch Vadge at her Oscars after-party. Vadge had Baby Jesus with her and when she went to thank Sean on his win, he answered, “Thanks. Another kid already?”

Sean can do a line off my taint anytime. And I know you're thinking that Sean shouldn't talk since he's probably biting on Lindsay Blohan's cokey puss lips. But let's be real, that bitch ain't a kid! She almost looks older than Vadge and that's saying everything.

P.S. - Remember when Vadge didn't look like a velociraptor's dick? She was so hot back then. Nautical diaper shorts and all.

This little interview of Blohan on Oscar night reminds me of conversations I've had with bitches riding high on the Colombia Express. Seriously, I'm waiting for Candy Finnigan from Intervention to pop up in the back with a plane ticket. Bitch has got the white shit jitters.

Blohan talked to E! about all the EXCITING projects she's working on (aka all the stupid ideas she came up with while holding a meeting around a mirror on a coffee table). Blohan is working on a spray tan for Sephora and a diamond line. That diamond she's wearing is made out of coke, right? Just cut and snort. It's kind of genius. And her spray tan is also going to be mixed with computer duster so you can really look like you have walked on sunshine. Also genius.

Blohan also showed off her matching "shhhh..." tattoo she got on her finger with Lily Allen. She said it's a "female empowerment thing." No. it's a "dumb fuck cokehead thing."

And here's some "Feed the Junkie" photos of Blohan taken by Hedi Slimane. This skeezy ass photo shoot looks like it was payment for an 8-ball. Candy Finnigan, please come get this skank!

And I think that Big Mac settled in her titties. So... Lately, HoHan has been looking like you can find her in a back alley pawing at fish bones while scratching the fleas in her ears. She tells UsWeekly that she doesn't look like that on purpose.

HoHan said, "I eat. I had my Big Mac yesterday from McDonald's. People have their ups and downs. Kids in college get DUIs. Everyone goes through something, and everyone can relate to something. I think that I don't ever want to pretend to be something that I'm not. I'm not perfect; nobody is perfect. If you try to be perfect, you'll probably go crazy. But you should always accept yourself for who you are. And that's what I've done, and I'm happy."

HoHan blamed the reason she looks like a spork on "working a lot" (HA!!!!), "stress" and "lack of sleep."

HoHan might have had a Big Mac, but she washed that shit down with a Supersized line of cokey coke. If bitch wants to do that, she should at least follow it up with a couple of McNuggetinis with extra BBQ sauce. She needs to sip that shit from a straw made out of a french fry. Oh fuck, does a french fry straw exist in reality? Or did I daydream that?

I have been feeling like the bottom of a cat litter box today, but now I feel like a fresh Mother's cookie after seeing this picture. At least I look like I can breathe oxygen without the help of a tank.

Fuck damn these bitches look beat. And the ho on the left isn't SamRo after hitting puberty. It's designer Matthew Williamson at the opening of his new store in NYC.

They should hang this picture up in schools to promote staying off the bad shit and eating vegetables instead.

I don't know who looks more haggard: HoHan or Chupa Zoe? I mean, HoHan looks like she crawled out of an OxyContin bottle. And Chupa looks like she can't chew solid foods. If you sprinkled salt over them, they'd shrivel down even more. Somebody needs to hook them up to an Ensure drip.

Oprah's ex-boyfriend Randolph Cook has esophageal cancer and is dying so he decided to write a tell-all where he claims The Mighty O did a little crack in the 80s. And no, I'm not talking about Gayle King's crack. She's still doing that. I'm talking about crack CRACK: Wino's best friend 4 EVA.

In his book (which will obviously be on Oprah's Book Club) The Wizard of O: My Life With Oprah, Randolph said he did coke with Oprah while boning her in 1984. Oprah admitted on her show to doing coke when she was in her 20s in the 1970s. She blamed it on her obsession with some dude.

But Randolph told The National Enquirer Oprah taught him how to smoke crack and the two freebased together for about six-months. He also said Oprah was still doing crack while doing her show. He writes, "Americans have placed Oprah on a pedestal that has been seemingly invincible until now."

If only Oprah had a "Favorite Things" list back in the 80s. Crack would definitely be on that list. But seriously, who didn't smoke crack in the 80s? I kept that shit in my She-Ra lunchbox and we used to light up after Dodgeball games.

If Oprah was doing crack in the 80s, wouldn't that bitch be skinny as fuck? Wait! That would explain this picture. She should've wheeled on a big crack rock instead. And Randolph should go ahead and choose which picture he would like to be display on milk cartons, because Oprah is going to make his ass disappear.

Image: Planet Hiltron

Did you really think Amy Wino would get through her St. Lucia vacation without attacking some ho? But I suspect Wino was smart about this one. Wino's spokeswhore told The Sun that there was a little misunderstanding (isn't there always?) between her and some of the guests at the resort. Wino's got a little crackwax in her ears, because she misunderstood a conversation between a lady guest and some others. This led to Wino to pull a "Heather Mills" by pouring a glass of water all over the bitch. Why did Wino play it smart?

Well, Wino with a glass of water? Please. The Crackie of the Caribbean obviously had some booze juice in her hand. You know, I really get hurt when bitches waste their alcohol by throwing it at someone. There's people in this world who would kill a baby bunny for just one sip of life's precious nectar. To waste it is disrespectful! Wino obviously agrees with me, because she probably stopped herself before she was about to pour her drink all over the whore's head and walked on over to the bar instead. She asked the bartender for a glass of that clear free shit (she doesn't know the name) and that's when the woman got hit with a Wino waterfall. Well played.

The wet bitch got all dramatic about the incident and wanted to call the cops. The resort had to calm her down and force Wino to apologize in order to avoid dealing with the police. Wino reluctantly said she was so sowwy, but all is still not well at the resort.

A source said the guests and staff have had it with her, “Everyone wants Amy to disappear. Her attack on this guest was the last straw. She walks around in the same grimy bikini bottoms each day with her boobs on show, gets drunk, gropes waiters and is rude to male staff. She’s hardly the most popular guest.”

Why don't I ever get a taste of this shit when I go on vacation? I get a bunch of oldies who shoot you an evil stare when you get too wasted and talk loudly about how you really want a hard cock to go with your cocktail. A bunch of judgmental Judge Judies.

They'll have to get some ear plugs and steer clear of Harpo Marx's crackie twin, because Wino is staying there an extra week. Hey, at least the sharks are staying away. Even they don't want to deal with her crackery.

Here's a few pictures of Wino proving that she should be Nike's next spokeswhore. Just smoke it!