Crackheads

After Dreamboat Doherty was arrested for the eleventieth time (I'm being modest), a judge totally grounded him and put his ass on curfew. When 7pm rolls around every night, Dreamy has to pick himself up off the pub floor and go to his room! However......there are exceptions.

The Sun says that the court let Dreamy break his curfew last night so he could go to his sister's graduation party. They also let him push the whole curfew thing aside when he has to play shows. Oh and when the crack market drops too low, they also let him out for a few hours past curfew.

Okay, how many times has Dreamy been arrested? If you can count that high, then you are an expert counter who should probably teaching counting at The School of Counting. I don't think a number that high exists! Dreamy should probably be marinating in a chokey cell somewhere, but he's not! Instead he's just on curfew, but not really! The UK court system is the "cool parent."

If you ever plan on getting arrested (it's on my bucket list), then do it in the UK and tell them your name is Pete Doherty. They'll probably just say "awww," pinch your cheeks, give you $20 for a rock and then send you on your way.

Every crackie in Camden will be bowing their heads for a few seconds longer as they light their pipe today, because the cracked out romance of this century has had its last puff! Wino's divorce to Blaaaaake was granted today which means they are no more. Wino and Blaaaake weren't in court today when a judge brought down the machete. It only lasted a few seconds.

Blaaaake is the one who filed for divorce and wrote down "adultery" as the reason why he wanted their beautiful union flushed down the toilet. Wino admitted to doing NOT RIGHT sexy times last year with a couple of dudes. In the papers, Wino admits to passing her married puss around and also stated that she will not defend the case. No, she wouldn't even scream "BLAAAAAAAKE" at the top of her molten lungs one last time. What is going on in this world?!

I feel like we should all put on a pair of caca-covered ballet slippers and run through the street screaming "BLAAAAAAKE" for old time's sake, because this means I have to start calling him just "Blake." Or just "fucktard," because anybody who pushes away love from such a beautiful creature really has heroin ash for brains.

The only good thing that come out of this split is if Wino finds comfort in the track mark-covered arms of DREAMBOAT DOHERTY! I think every dealer in the world just jizzed their pants.

Source: People

Christian Bale is really fucking serious. When dude plays a crackhead, he goes all the way. He crawls into the mind of Amy Wino and doesn't let go until the last "cut" is screamed. This is Christian on the set of The Fighter in L.A. yesterday. Dude plays a boxer turned crackie. Judging by those clothes, it looks more like he's playing Screech in a dark and dramatic sequel to Saved By The Bell.

That apple is probably the only thing he's nibbled on in days. Seriously, food and him are fucking done professionally...and personally. My stomach is weeping at the thought of how he lost all that weight. He probably just hung around Lindsay HoHan for an hour or two. Learn from the best!

And I'm guessing this is what you would call "meth hair."

The City of Stockton, CA needs to bottle their own water and sell it at bars across the world (preferably one near me), because it's obviously some potent shit! It's got hos seeing things with their own eyes! You see, a neighborhood in Stockton believes that the image of Michael Jackson is on that tree stump. They need more people.

The dude who owns the tree said Michael's image suddenly appeared on the tree stump the day he passed away. That weekend, crowds began to gather around the stump. One neighbor said, "Michael Jackson was an icon to us. To Stockton, Michael Jackson meant more to us than Jesus, to some people. I think they're both about even."

Michael visited Stockton 20 years ago after a school shooting.

Raise your hand if see Michael on that tree stump. If you're raising your hand, then I'm guessing a bong is in the other. Or your fifth cocktail of the day. I squinted my eyes and even look at this upside down. I still don't see Michael Jackson! I kind of see an evil bunny rabbit with abnormally long whiskers and no ears, but I don't see MJ.

Source VIA The Awl

Mischa Barton's dealer should slip a Comfort Wipe into her stocking this Christmas, because it sounds like the slag could use some help. The Daily Mail says that the government check version of HoHan (that says everything right there) was kicked out of the bathrooms at Whisky Mist nightclub in London after she tried to bring a friend into the stall with her. The bathroom attendant immediately put a stop to the snortery. One source said, "Mischa looked really pissed off and embarrassed but her friend was fine about it."

Mischa didn't let that ruin her fun and she just shuffled into another stall, but her troubles didn't stop there. Mischa was taking too long, so that pesky bathroom attendant shouted at her to cut it short! The same source added, "At one point the toilet attendant had to knock on her door twice to ask if she was alright. Then her mate was knocking to check she was feeling okay. When she came out of the cubicle, she was complaining about people knocking on the door. She looked slightly worse for wear as she attempted to apply her make-up."

It's hard enough taking a piss in a public bathroom, but it's even worse with a toilet whore staring at you while tapping their foot (Larry Craig probably loves that shit). You feel like they are timing your ass and judging your pee pee skills if they don't hear tinkling. Poor Mischa probably ended up with a bunch of sugar in her eye, because she couldn't keep the spoon still due to dumb whores knocking on her door! The Comfort Wipe really needs to come out with a version for cokeyheads.

White Oprah finally pried herself off of the bathroom room floor of some random club to cough up another important statement (smells like coke loogies and Long Island Iced Tea barf) for the media regarding her personal ATM. Specifically, White Oprah wanted to address the accusations that HoHan stole a bunch of joo-ree from an Elle Magazine shoot and also about how daughter's cell phone keeps getting hacked. Lay it out, chop it up, separate and snort yourself some of this:

"Last month her personal cell was posted online and now her phone messages have been hacked. This must stop. She is a 22-year-old girl who needs to live her life in peace. The tabloids need to leave her alone with all the lies and reporting with no proof." White Oprah went on to burp that the story about HoHan stealing shit is "defamatory, false and unfair. Elle made a public statement backing Lindsay." And finally, before she passed out again, she said, "Lindsay has been home with me and her family for awhile now, celebrating her little brother [Cody's] confirmation and his 13th birthday."

Haven't you missed White Oprah's words of delusion?! She's like a suppository for the soul. White Oprah's statements make you regular again. I mean, 22-year-old girl? HA! Leave her alone? Double HA! A good Catholic family? Get me up off the floor! White Oprah slays me every time.

Here's the 22-year-old good Catholic girl going to a church called H.Wood in Los Angeles last night.

While I will never co-sign Kristen Stewart as Joan Jett in The Runaways biopic, I will say that this new "dyke on smack" mullet does wonders for her. It really accentuates the giant bags under her eyes and makes her veins really pop. I bet it looks really hot when she gets the shakes.

I feel like I could lay down with her on the hood of her El Camino parked in front of her double-wide. We'd share a Rum & Tab while discussing the meaning of Journey songs.

HoHan is over in London, stalking SamRo, snorting up the country's supply of the bad shit and melting down in clubs. Yeah, HoHan is one of those friends who has an emotional breakdown in the middle of a club while you're trying to get your drunk on. Buzz. Kill.

Dean Piper of the Mirror says he witnessed HoHan curl up like a ball on the floor of London's Club Cuckoo. How fitting.

According to Dean, HoHan sat at the table next to him with a vodka drink in hand while mumbling shit like, “I feel so, like, caged. Totally caged.” It's called a K-hole, honey. Shake it off.

Somebody else who was there added, “She just wouldn’t stop saying she felt caged. She was just not all there and it really was like watching a broken girl in the middle of a complete breakdown. She spent much of the night furiously texting Sam Ronson – and wasn’t best pleased about the texts she was getting. Everyone with her was actually very concerned about her. She seemed like a girl on the brink of self- destruction.”

Seemed like a girl on the brink?! How about a girl who is riding first-class on the speed train to self-destruction. White Oprah's got a little conductor hat on and shouting "CHOO CHOO!"

I know we've all screamed about this a million times, but is it really so hard for White Oprah and Michael Lohan to pull their heads out of their own cunts and sort their daughter out. During Christmas one (every) year, I got drunk like a Wino and was acting the fool in the worst kind of way. My mother immediately grabbed my drink, poured it down the sink and told me to go sit in the bath tub until further notice. Why can't White Oprah do that? Send HoHan to the tub!

And here's our little caged bird leaving a business meeting with Emanuel Ungaro in London last night. The leggings and spray tan entrepreneur is expected to be named "creative consultant" of Ungaro.....

I hope you're up on all your shots, because we're about to spend a little time with Dreamboat Doherty. You might want to hold your breath too...just in case. So, it feels like it's been forever since Dreamy took part in one of his favorite activities: getting arrested. Dreamy just loves the feeling of cold steel handcuffs around his wrists and a cavity search which ends in a half a dozen officers barfing up their innards. It's like Christmas times, so he thought he'd relive the magic for the ten millionth time.

This past Friday on a British Airways flight to Switzerland, Dreamy got out of his seat in coach, waltzed into the lavatory and got intimate with a hypodermic needle. I guess they had a wild ole' time, because Dreamy passed the fuck out right there. Flight attendants found him taking a little crack nap with the needle by his side. When the plane landed in Geneva, Dreamy was arrested, fined and released. He played a show that day and returned back to London the next.

A source at British Airways tells the Sunday Mail that they are investigating the incident and could ban Dreamy FOR LIFE.

They're not going to do that! It's all talk. I mean, how can you punish that precious face? It's like catching a toddler shooting up the wrong shit in the bathroom of an airplane. You would just shrug your shoulders, take away his toy, pat him on the head and tell him not to do it again. The same goes with Dreamy!

Whitney Houston's got a new album and Bobby Brown's got a new baby! I think we're supposed to do the doody bubble boogie for the first one and cry for the second one. Let's cuddle up to Whitney first:

KISS MY ASS' first album of music in seven years will be released on September 1st. That's all the information that the studio released. They didn't give up a title or say how many tracks she sang while on the wrong stuff. JOKES! As far as I know, Whitney has ended her long affair with the pipe. However, I think she's still kissing on Ray-J's deformed dick, so I'm not sure which is worse. Ponder for a second.

Now on to Bobby Beeeeeeeeee! While leaving a night club in Las Vegas last night, Bobby told TMZ that he's a father for the fifth time! Bobby's manager/fuck time partner gave birth to their son, Cassius, a few days ago.

That's nice and everything, but when are Whit & Bobby B going to get to work on the project everybody has been waiting for: Season 2 of Being Bobby Brown! Doody bubbles have been waiting to be popped! Just look at this remix FourFour did of the show. I know Whit & Bobby B aren't knocking it anymore, but the world of reality TV is depending on them to reunite for more fuckery. They really don't make 'em like this anymore.