This Belongs In A Museum
Entertainment Weekly trolled back ally lip injection clinics (I'm looking at you, chick from Home Improvement who isn't the mom) and the anti-evolution booth of traveling evangelical revivals (I'm looking at you, Krazy Cameron) to reunite you with the casts of Romy & Michele's High School Reunion (wearing hot dresses made of the shit they invented), The Carol Burnett Show, Dallas, Fatal Attraction, Growing Pains, Home Improvement, NYPD , Princess Bride and 227.
As we all look at them and think "They look so damn ooooooold," I'm sure they're looking back at us and thinking, "You look look damn ooooooooooold too, heffa."
Sadly, EW didn't reunite our asses with the cast of Showgirls by featuring a photo shoot of Gina Gershon and Elizabeth Berkley wrassling naked in a kiddie pool full of Doggie Chow. They better do that shit next year.
Baby Ali's star spot at the Museum of Side-Eyes is threatened now that this hot trick shot Lindsay Lohan a priceless double shank eye of death that is making me pull out the empty BIC pen that permanently lives in my kitchen drawer and lick the tip so I can co-sign this immaculate side-eye. This is the best way to start a week!!!! It's like Baby Louis taught that premium side-eye thrower all the tricks to his trade.
And somebody call NOVE UNO UNO, because I speak fluent side-eye and that one definitely says: "Bitch, don't think you're being sneaky when I know very well that you're stealin' hand has just crawled into my purse and is trying to snatch my wallet." One looks says what a paper fan is trying to hide!
LiLo is not only in Milan to pull some thievery shit on unsuspecting Italian hos who might not know of her snatching ways, but she's also there for Fashion Week. LiLo sat front row at the Philipp Plein show last week and he was so hypnotized by her natural beauty (read: his senses were temporarily numbed after he got contact high from the coke dust she coughed up) that he cast her in his new ad campaign. Philipp told reporters during a press conference that LiLo is "authentic, she’s talented, she’s beautiful." Phillipp used way too many words to say: "I'm on fucking crack."
Here's a few pictures of LiLo busting out crime scene poses in the photo shoot for Philipp's (he's the one flashing what he's smoking) campaign in Lake Como, Italy yesterday. Either the theme of this shit is "Faces (and Bodies) of Meth pin-up poster" or the computer used to touch-up these pictures will run out of Photoshop from trying to brush away her rough trade bruises.
With her reality show's camera focused on her renovated face, abstinence advocate and idol to wholesome teen mothers everywhere Bristol Palin rode the mechanical bull at Saddle Ranch in West Hollywood last night. (Cut to Bristol on the cover of Life & Style in 10 months holding her miracle mechanical bull baby.) But the real ride went down when Bristol hopped off her future baby father and got an ear full of sweet poetry coming from a probably drunk ho who is fluent in the official language of Dlisted. The Palin-hater shouted into the bar that Bristol's mother is a Whorah Palin whose whore lying whore ass will rot in the whore layer of whore hell. Dude might've thrown a "bitch" in that flood of WHORES, but all I really heard was a magical hummingbird singing my favorite song.
Because Bristol has a reality show to sell and needs some exciting footage to be cut in between scenes of her assembling her new face every morning, she confronted the whore word thrower and their conversation went something like this:
Bristol: What did you say?
Palin Hater: Your mother's a WHORY WHORE WHORE WHORE WHOREFACE WHORE. She's the fucking devil, dude.
Bristol: Oh, is she? What did she do wrong?
PH: She lives, she breathes. If there is a hell, she will be there.
Bristol: Why is that?
PH: She's evil.
Bristol: Is it because you're a homosexual?
PH: Pretty much. And why do you say I'm a homosexual?
Because my vagina does not want to make child with you and my vagina usually wants to make child with all men. Because I can just tell you are. And that's why you don't like my mom.
PH: No, that's not why. Your mom is evil.
Bristol's backup: How old are you?
PH: FORTY SEVEN YEARS OLD!!!!!!!!
Bristol's backup: Okay, then leave her alone.
PH: Why? She came up to me.
Bristol's backup: You said it first!
Bristol asked her hater to give her one reason why her mother is a whore and he mumbled out a few words that sounded like "whore lying devil whore devil whore." It ended with Bristol doing some mocking gay mannerisms dance like the dim bitch she is before her hater said her mother ran Wasilla into the ground and she's nothing but a white trash bitch.
Why watch clips from the Republican debate when I can watch this masterpiece of two attention whores battling it out instead. You know, I was almost sliding over to Team Whore Caller, but he needed to say the word WHORE one more time. Team NOBODY.
When you get up in the morning, tape two Top Ramen wrappers over your nipples, put your hand over your chest and repeat this NSFW self-loving speech into the mirror to get you through the day. These words of motivation work for every situation. Make sure you have some kind of bird creature nearby so it can let out a CAW when you pull its tail after every beat. Pledge allegiance, bitch!
And Stuart Smalley can officially retire now that Khia is here to lift us up.
via Kid Fury
And with one Tina Fey photobomb, any thought I had left about that Emmys shit has really been blown from my mind. There's nothing more to say!
I have no idea who Mike Jerrick of Fox29 is, but I think I love him for doing an almost spot-on Kuntrashian impersonation seconds after interviewing them. The only thing his impersonation is missing is a melted rubber butt cheek with Sharpie eyes over his face. But he should still get all the Emmys for straight-up smiling in their plastic faces and then shading them as the feed went off. Mike pulled one of those "Oh, your hair looks cute (turns around) Ho looks like moist ass" moves you usually only see at family reunions and high school cafeterias.
And his co-anchor is trying to act like the good cop, but I see what she did there. We all know what she meant by "where this TRAIN takes you." Get her an Emmy too!
When I'm craving a thick creamy white snack, I usually reach for the vanilla ice cream (Where did you think I was going with this, you sick ass!), but not anymore! My freezer will only be used to store vodka, grapes, cold packs and batteries (yeah, I'm one of those) from now on. Thanks to this highly informative review, I'm reaching for the Dannon Fruit on the Bottom yogurt when I need a refreshing summertime (?) snack between meals. Because starting now, I always trust the snack advice of Amy Winehouse's spirit animal who has the thrilling voice of the Google Translate lady and the cinematic eye of a mom who just got a webcam.
P.S. - Stay away from that lid contest for that free cooking set. It's mine! I want to cook my lavishing yogurt in it.
In "A Check is a Check" news, FOREVER A-LIST SUPERSTAR Shannen Doherty is using her celebrity to support this nation's education system by getting her liberal arts degree at a Poison Ivy League (which is sort of like ivy league, but sexier) online university thanks to Education Connection.
Brenda Walsh doesn't say in this mess, but if I sign up will I run into her in the cyber hallways, or get cyber drunk with her before the cyber prom, or cyber hold down that homewrecking whore slut Kelly Taylor while she cyber slaps her in the cyber mouth? Because that's a selling point. Better yet, Shannen should just dump this Education Connection mess and open an online West Bev High School. It'll be like Dungeons and Dragons for whores of the early 90s who can't let go.
And just like that, I have my new voicemail greeting.
Disclaimer: In Michele Bachmann's defense, a band called the White People Soul Band played at that same event. But I'd still like to think that when Michele enters any room, she opens those crazy sockets to Crazyville and takes a tally of all white people lovers in the place.
UPDATE: Mediate says Michele actually said "wet people" not "white people." Even better!
via Joe My God
Attention all half-blind, stubble-having, employed rugby players who are not named Brian or Nigel, Sinead O'Connor is hornier than a Catholic priest at an altar boy open call and is looking to get dicked before she starts humping cab bumpers (her words). There comes a time in every DFD (desperate for dick) gay's life when he falls in love with Sinead all over again and this is the time for me. Sinead's hungry hungry O'Poon is chomping at the bit and she put its moans for peen into words on her blog.
Sinead sounds so desperate that a ho would think her only requirement is a "getup ready dick," but she actually gets pretty specific. Very specific.
My shit-uation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good as are inappropriate and/or unavailable men and/or inappropriate and/or unavailable fruits and vegetables. I tell you yams are looking like the winners. I actually do know a woman who is a performance artist from America. I have a photo of her being escorted arm in arm by two uk police man onto a plane back home cuz she humped a yam in the middle of her show. I just know that's going to happen to me if I don't take drastic action.
Needless to say what I do for a living makes it hard for me to find men that only want me cuz they like my (legendary) arse. Yet I am in the peak of my sexual prime and way too lovely to be living like a nun. and it's VERY depressing.
So I've been pondering on whether or not I should join some Irish dating agencies. Of course if I did it would end up in papers so I may as well save myself the registration fees. Besides which a friend of mine uses dating agencies and half the men actually have wives.
Am in desperate need of a very sweet sex-starved man.
He must be no younger than 44.
Must be living in Ireland but I don't care if he is from the planet Zog.
Must not be named Brian or Nigel.
Must be blind enough to think I'm gorgeous.
Has to be employed. Am not fussy in what capacity generally but vehicle clampers need not apply.
Leather trouser- wearing gardai, fire-men, rugby players, and Robert Downey-Junior will be given special consideration. As will literally anyone who applies.
I like me a hairy man so buffed and/or waxed need not apply.
No hair gel.
No hair dryer use.
No hair dye
Stubble is a non-negotiable must. Any removal of stubble would be upsetting for me.
No after shave.
Must be very 'snuggly'. Not just wham-bam.
Must be wham-bam.
Has to like his mother.
Has to like his ex and or mother/s of his children.
Has to live in own place.
I must end now as I have a hot date with a banana
Applicants can apply through my secretary at email@example.com
Sinead posted this plead for peen on August 20th and she thought she found a hairy fuck beast to handle her right, but then he told her he has a knocked up girlfriend. So Sinead's vagina is back to shooting out flares and the search continues. Sinead has since dropped the "No Brians or Nigels" requirement and said she'll also consider ladies. Oh, and if you cringe at the poop noodle, Sinead isn't interested.
I've been repeatedly asked will I 'do anal sex'. Let me make it very clear.. Any man I contemplate has to be into anal sex.. It was a family paper so they wudnt have printed it but let me now take time to make VERY clear that yes I 'do anal' and in fact I would be deeply unhappy if 'doing anal' wasn't on the menu, amongst everything else$$ So if u don't like 'the difficult brown'.. Don't apply... I've had reasonable complaints from lesbians that they have been excluded. This was terribly remiss of me and I would now like to make it clear that women will also be very much considered. As will Brians and Nigels.. Since there were complaints there too.
The difficult brown?! I think we're all done here. I hereby nominate Sinead O'Connor as head writer of all our Craigslist, Grindr and OKCupid ads.