This Belongs In A Museum
Amber Tamblyn's got a lot of spare time on her hands and thank EVERYTHING for that, because if she didn't then she never would've fucked with Tyrese in the kind of prank that self-proclaimed prank master George Clooney only dreams of busting on a trick. Amber writes on her Facebook page (via Street Carnage) that it all started when Tyrese saw her name cc'ed on an email that one of their mutual friends sent out. This shit was destined to be, because Amber Tamblyn's middle name is Rose and her email address is registered under Amber Rose. Tyrese thought Amber Rose was really hip hop concubine Amber Rose and emailed her hoping they can "work" on a music project together.
David Cross must be rubbing off on Amber Tamblyn in more ways than one, because she went all the way with that shit. Amber Tamblyn not only pretended to be Amber Rose, but she even sent Tyrese some priceless demos that "Amber Rose" is working on. Their entire conversation complete with the demos is after the jump. If you're hungover, it will soothe you right. If you're not hungover, it will still soothe you right. JUMP!
I never thought I'd ever type this but, Steve Martin: I so would. Hell, I'd even print out Steve Martin's Tweet, roll it up and hit that.
via The Daily What (Thanks, Josie)
I was all ready for my eyeballs to do a new kind of roll over Sacha Baron Cohen stunting through the Oscars red carpet as The Dictator, but seeing Ryan Gaycrest's little girl bitchface changed EVERYTHING! I thoroughly approve of this shit and I don't care if they spent months rehearsing this shit. In case you missed it, The Dictator spilled Kim Jong-Il's ashes (it was Bisquick) all over Simon Cowell's favorite motorboating partner. Watching Gaycrest slowly spin into an internal cunt midget meltdown was like watching a My Little Pony slowly boil in a pot of hot water. I bet Gaycrest's glitter hole was holding all of his rage so he wouldn't flip out and order one of his assistants to put him on their shoulders so he could slappity slap slap SBC's beard. They should just cancel the rest of this mess and just show us 3 hours of Gaycrest throwing an on the floor tantrum like a second place child beauty pageant queen.
This is even better news than Dlisted reader Melanie directing me toward a site where I can buy Chocodiles until my credit card quits life (SPOILER ALERT: After 2 transactions). A federal appeals court in San Francisco ruled today that Prop 8 is the opposite of constitutional and that the ban on same-sex marriage is a piece of shit. That means we're a little closer to reality stars finally ripping the NOH8 duct tape off of their mouths (Well, since I put it that way...). The court's ruling will probably be appealed, but in the meantime let's take to the square rainbow dance floor and break it down like this together:
Reese Witherspoon hasn't meant shit to me ever since she stomped her chin on Jake Gyllenhaal's fairytale wedding dreams, but she has redeemed herself by making the children cry. MTV (via Just Jared) asked Reese what she thinks about Justin Bieber remaking Fear and she could've let out some sugar coated publicist-approved bullshit, but instead she said this:
"Fine. Great. That would be cool. Would he be playing me or is he playing Mark Wahlberg?"
Reese then tried to make it sound like what she really meant is that he'll play a dude with a girl stalker, but CHIN please. Oh, Reese, when you're fighting off the rattle-wielding, mouth foaming Beliebers with your chin, just know that you're everyone's hero
for today for this afternoon for this hour.
via The Superficial
Because The National Enquirer has solved the case! Their paternity test experts took a patch of Khloe Kardashian's back fur that got stuck on a tree trunk as she ran through the forest in search of pygmy goats to eat and tested it with a DNA sample they got from O.J. Simpson's ill-fitting glove. It was a match! O.J. IS the father. The birds of the forest just fled from the trees as Harry from Harry and the Hendersons made the ground quake by doing the Not Father Dance. I guess that bareback quickie he had in the shrubs after eating ten too many fermented peaches was with a half-shaven baboon after all and not Pimp Mama Kris. It's an easy mistake to make.
The National Enquirer (via DM), who are obviously going hardcore for the Pulitzer Prize in comedy this year, heard from a source that a couple of years before Khloe was born, Pimp Mama Kris had an affair with the monster who would go on to murder the so-called best friend she sold out in a tell-all. The source says the proof is in the face of O.J.'s daughter Sydney, because they think she looks just like Khloe. The source went on to spit this dollop of pricelessness:
"O.J. told me Khloe's his child. It was the big secret that no one in the two families would discuss. And Robert admitted he and Kris were not having sex at the time Khloe was conceived. O.J. bragged about his sex life and many female conquests, which he said included some of his best friends' wives.
He used to tell us way back - even before he and Nicole got divorced - that he had a love child with the wife of a wealthy family. But at the time of Khloe's birth, it would have been devastating for the news to come out that America's biggest sports hero had fathered a love child."
Oh shit, that is good. The National Enquirer should just handle every story from now, because they are masters at spinning a whole lot of WHO CARES into gold. They're like Fuckerystiltskin. But they're not completely off base. Before Pimp Mama Kris was a bona fide pimp, she was a bona fide whore to the core so you shouldn't put it past her. That said, this isn't true ("Thank you Professorina Obvious" - You to Me). O.J. is a heartless monster, Pimp Mama Kris is a heartless minion of Satan and the only crime against humanity Khloe is guilty of is this.
And of course, Kim had to stick her Twatter into this:
Now we have all the answers! It makes sense now! Khloe u are so tan!
Kim, kindly suck on a giant Shut The Fuck Up. I'll paint it black if that helps. Kim is just bringing this up so hos will temporarily forget that she would be nominated for a Razzie for her emotional performance in that SUV ride she faked for her reality shit show. Kim, just because we're laughing at O.J. doesn't mean we still can't smell the burnt fakeness wafting off of your ass. Put down the Febreze, it doesn't mask the stench.
Nomi & Cristal, Tanya & Amber, Brandy & Monica, Nell Carter & Dinah Manoff, Alexis & Krystle, Shakespeare's Sister, Lady Macbeth & a puddle of blood and Bartles & Jaymes are just some of the most iconic pairings of glamour in history, and you can now put Courtney Stodden & Chicken Cutlets on the top of that list.
Time stopped, the sun held its breath and the entire city of L.A. went numb last Friday when the iguana goddess and the Hot Babe of the Century joined glamorous forces to melt the rubber off of every pap's camera with the hot shards of magic that jumped off of their bodies with every pose. You will lose all feeling in your eyeballs from staring at PP's "Fraggle Rock refugee" ensemble, but you'll get that feeling back after Courtney Stodden knocks you out with with her Barbizon: Stripper Division poses.
And now it's time for a math problem!
When a slutty train leaves glamour for elegance at noon while a ginger train leaves elegance for glamour, what does it look like when they crash into each other?
Answer: THIS MASTERPIECE OF A VIDEO!
BONUS VIDEO: Here's Chicken Cutlets talking about how she's been named Woman of the Year by
Foster Farms the Leukemia Something Society:
They're trying to tell me that a Fresh Prince of Bel Air reunion went down at a luncheon for Karyn Parsons' (aka Hilary Banks) Sweet Blackberry charity the other day, but you can't stamp this with the reunion label with some of the key bitches missing. Sure, James Avery, Will Smith, Tatyana Ali and Alfonso Ribeiro showed up (and Jazz probably showed up but then got thrown out by Uncle Phil), but this is still missing a double dose of Aunt Viv and Geoffrey. Although, it would knock butt plug out of Will's ass if Aunt Viv #1 showed up to any event he was at. Aunt Viv #1 got fired and years later she wrote in a tell-all about how Will tried to blacklist her from Hollywood. She wrote this mess of words in her tell-all:
"Let me explain something to you about Hollywood Negroes. Hollywood negroes are afraid to not eat. Everybody out there is so afraid that they're going to lose that job! And that job and that money supercede e-v-e-r-y, s-i-n-g-l-e thing in life! People in Hollywood, in my opinion, would step on their baby's face for a deal. If their baby is in the way, they will kick that baby out of the way for that money."
So I guess not only are Aunt Viv #1, Aunt Viv #2, Jazz and Geoffrey not pictured, but neither is the baby Will kicked to get there.
The spirit of a 2-pack-a-day-smoking Piggly Wiggly cashier named Earline Dawn trapped in the body of a 19-year-old trailer park chipmunk named Miley Cyrus was making her way to a helicopter in Costa Rica the other day when a few of her fans stopped her to ask for a picture. Miley posed for one picture and then walked away even though her fans wanted more. The rest of the priceless conversation went like this:
Miley: Babe, babe, I gotta go, honey.
Miley: What da fuck?! Are you fur rill?
Oh, Miley Cyrus fan, I was about to call you a puta estúpida for asking Miley for a picture, but then my hate turned to love when you called her an asshole. You're my Costa Rican hero today.