This Belongs In A Museum

I finally know why Lady Gaga exists! She was put on this planet to write "Telephone" and record it so that these U.S. soldiers stationed in Afghanistan could spread the glitter to it in the video above.

My favorite is the ginger thrusting his everything like he's trying to woo Bin Laden out of a cave. That ginge is the REAL Sexual Napalm. Boom.

And it's all fun and sparkles until they all get DISCHARGED. I'm joking. If anything, they should all get ranked up for this.

UPDATE: They got shy and made the video private, but you can watch it over at Gawker.

via The Daily What

On the internet exists a 100% real website (we think) that is completely and utterly devoted to publicly restoring Stephen Baldwin's good name by taking donations from YOU. Sorry, Haiti, the star of Sharks in Venice needs our coins so that he can pay the lease on his Buick and his membership to TrannySurprise.com (you know that's in his favorites). It's in the name of God, after all.

The video looks like it was produced by the same bitches who put together that Scientology master(crazy)piece starring Tommy Girl. If the Trinity Network had their own True Hollywood Stories series, the trailer would look like this mess. Speaking of mess.....

The entire website will make you laugh with your fists and fart with your eyes. Example:

Q- Why doesn't his family help him?
A- His family does not perceive Stephen’s predicament as a matter of spiritual warfare. They see Stephen’s outspoken Christianity as poor choices therefore they will not help.

Q- What happened to his wealth?
A- When he became an outspoken Christian in 2002 his income went down by 70% when he refused roles with gratuitous sex and violence.

Q- If Stephen was not involved how did you get permission to do this?
A- Daniel Southern is Stephen’s spiritual advisor and the President of Stephen’s ministries. We contacted Daniel who gave us written permission to build the site.

The best part is that they are just asking for a small donation of $4.21! 421! The day after 420. This is fucking perfect since on 4/21 I usually feel parched, bloated and hungry for anything that's batter-based. And that's exactly how this website makes me feel.

And just because Stephen Baldwin is hard up for a job doesn't mean he's the modern day Job. You are not what you need.

via Videogum

This is the kind of funeral every goth and punk dreams of when they cuddle into their totally ironic Disney Princess sheets at night. British punk legend Malcolm McClaren's funeral procession went through London today and it was an extravagant spectacle. You wouldn't expect anything less.

Malcolm's graffitied coffin (Hot Topic BETTER NOT make a purse version of it) was carried in a carriage pulled by some fancy goth horses. The procession also included a bus filled with zombie punks. Malcolm's ex-partner Vivienne Westwood, Pam Hogg, Adam Ant and Bobby Gillepsie all came out to mourn their friend.

Malcolm's family issued this statement shortly before his funeral:

"In celebration of Malcolm's life we are asking people to observe a MINUTE OF MAYHEM at midday on 22nd April. Put on your favourite records and let it RIP!"

And if your "favorite record" includes anything by Ke$ha or Justin Beiber, RIP it up and throw it in your desktop trash immediately. Then excuse yourself from the room and go eat your sandwich in the bathroom by yourself. That's what Malcolm would've wanted.

Farewell, Malcolm.

Sit on your hands before you get the urge to put these pictures into Photoshop so that you can replace Betty White's nekkid ass nekkid hot dog with all kinds of props from the gutter. I know how your dirty filthy not-right ass works (I'm projecting here). Betty is the internet's memawmaw and we cannot disrespect her! Now that I think about it, it would be disrespectful to NOT Photoshop dirtiness (e.g. Blanche's favorite double-sided dildo, Dorothy's big toe, a penis-shaped cheesecake, etc....) over that hot dog, so have at it. It's what Betty wants!

Anyways, here's Betty getting mean on a naked hot dog at the opening of Pink's at Universal Citywalk yesterday. The second thumbnail perfectly illustrates how I feel most days. I'm jealous of the bitch who got shanked by Betty after that picture was taken.

That devious Pedobear somehow snuck onto a billboard announcing Pope Eggs Benedict's visit to Malta next week! Hmm. I wonder why? Maybe he just dropped in to see how things are going.

The Times of Malta incorrectly identified Pedobear's wrong ass as a "panda." Pedobear shouldn't get to comfortable up there, because they plan to kick him out any day now. But I'm sure he'll be back.... That bitch ain't right.

via TDW

Last week, InTouch's cover story was a remake of Mommie Dearest starring St. Angie Jo as an evil monstress who recharges her cunt gene by laughing at her children's cries. This week, InTouch's cover story is remaking Romeo & Juliet with Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt as the star-crossed lovers who want to be together but can't because Maddox forbids it (you should always listen to Maddox).

The same bodyguard/fanfiction writer who painted Angie as a cold-hearted cuntress is also saying that Jennifer and Brad secretly meet up when St. Angie's private investigator (aka God) is not watching.

If you're feeling the need to punch a bunny this morning, channel your inner Brangeloonie (it helps if you put on mom jeans from Walmart and a Tomb Raider sweatshirt with suspicions stains on it) while reading this mess. From InTouch:

In an exclusive interview, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s former bodyguard reveals that since Brad and his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston reconnected at the 2009 Academy Awards, they have hooked up four times — three times in LA and once in New York — and even recently shared a passionate kiss. “I know that he still loves her,” the ex-bodyguard Bill, who for security reasons chooses only to be identified by his first name, tells In Touch.

In fact, there was one date that Bill says brought them closer than ever — and since then, their relationship has heated up even more. Brad and Jen arranged a secret meeting at the trails off of Western Canyon Road in Beverly Hills on December 9, Bill says.

At 3:30p.m., Jen pulled up to the location in her Bentley, and Brad arrived on his motorcycle. After Brad climbed into Jen’s passenger seat, “They were very cozy, clearly embracing,” Bill reveals for the first time. “Several times, Brad and Jen were hugging and kissing.” After talking and nuzzling for about 30 to 40 minutes, Bill, who was on “paparazzi watch,” advised the pair that they should leave, as photographers were spotted just a few miles away. “Jennifer left first, flashing Brad a quick peace sign and a smile,” says Bill. “Brad jogged back to his motorcycle, drove off and went for an hour bike ride.”

Then Jen woke up when Gerard Buttlered her culo again.

Let's just say there's a sprinkle of truth to this, why would Jen fuck around with Brad now?! That bitch had Brad when he was at the height of his hotness. Just keep that taste on your tongue and move on. If Jen really wants to know what it feels like to be chin tickled by a goat, she should go to a damn petting zoo instead.

We all need to start stocking our Rapture Bunkers with the necessities (i.e. Slim Jims, Everclear, Zingers, an autographed picture of Joan Collins, everything in Lindsay Lohan's medicine cabinet..etc...), because it's only a matter of time before Jersey Shore's Snooki and The Situation find themselves shaking hands with the Pope in his private chambers at the Vatican. They are everywhere! Like roaches with ambition! Although, that's not saying much, because anybody in an altar boy ensemble can get into the Vatican's secret rooms.

At some event in NYC on Saturday night, Snookers and The Situation got a little closer to Mayor Bloomberg. Is Bloomberg trying to honk Snooki's sacks? Or maybe he's getting ready to punch himself in the dick bush, because The Situation's crotch crabs have already infested his private business. Yeah, that's probably the case.

Here's more pictures from the NY/NJ Peace Summit, which was also attended by the cast of Hair. Yes, that's American Idol's Diana DeGarmo and Ace Young. And just for the record, I'd gladly take Ace Young's taco meat trail over The Situation's situation.

Yesterday at 1:32EDT, international supermodel and Earth mother Phoebe Price took her spot on the beach in her Toys "R" Us giraffe onesie and allowed her heat-seeking freckles to summon the sun to the equator. Yes, this is what happens at the Equinox. It also explains why most of the Los Angeles area smelled like burnt tangerine chicken.

And while PP was doing her part for the planet, she was also kind enough to strike a few poultry poses for the paps. The Foster Farms chickens now have their fapping material for the day!

Just when I was about to officially declare it a slow news day, these precious jewels popped up on my screen like a shiny Vicodin pill you come across in the back of your bathroom cabinet when you're trying to find a bottle of lube in the dead of night (TMI? NEVER!)

International supermodel and walking art installation Phoebe Price has once again delivered Lourve-worthy portraits that will grace the desktops of computers everywhere. Everywhere = just mine.

In this latest series, Chicken Cutlets poses on the steps of an airport tram (after flagging it down), makes a sign for Tito's Tacos look like the Eiffel Tower and graciously gives a volunteer her autograph. And don't tell PP, but the volunteer was a little confused when he looked down at her autograph because he thought the one and only Madam was standing before him.

When you can let the most devoted Twihard in the mental ward watch it for you! Nutty Madam is back again to give you her thoughts on the new full-length trailer for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.

Don't let her "demon devouring your soul" roar scare you off. Just calmly put your throat back in your neck, talk your ears off the ledge and continue watching. Actually, don't talk your ears off the ledge until you finish watching this, because Nutty Madam's high-pitched screeches can wake Marlee Matlin up from her afternoon nap.

Also, don't let your mind wander to the gallery featuring images of what's going on with Nutty Madam's down low area while she watches this trailer. If you go to that place, the doors will lock behind you, and you won't be able to get back. Just don't buy a ticket for that exhibit and you'll be fine. I think.

(Thanks John)