This Belongs In A Museum
If you've still got the drunk haze clouding up your eyeballs from last night, you might mistake this for a picture of Johnny Weir and Lynn from The Real Housewives of Orange County. But no! This is the one and only Pee Wee Herman canoodling (I'm wrong for digging that word out of its grave) with former Mr. Shauna Sand Lorenzo Lamas at Sturgis the other day.
Pee Wee is obviously only using Lorenzo to get close to The Empress of Lucite. Or maybe Pee Wee wants Lorenzo and his clay infinityhead to play Zyzzybalubah in his new movie. That's probably what's really going on here.
One of the things that surprises me the most about Steven Slater's Exit to Gay Eden is that not one bitch on that plane recorded this truly historical moment on their phone. I mean, people will whip their phones out to record stupid shit like a dog attacking a dandelion (okay, that's not stupid), but everybody suddenly got shy when Steven raised the stakes in the game of dramatic exits?! I swear, people need better training.
Thankfully, Taiwan TV News will put out CGI re-enactments of absolutely anything (the dog attacking a dandelion re-enactment is coming out in a few days), so they put their artists to work on the "I QUIT THIS BITCH" heard around the world.
I hope this isn't the final product, because this obviously needs more cunt glares, pursed lips and the sound of a million overworked angels singing in unison. And why did Steven suddenly become Dracula when he went down that slide?
(Thanks to everyone who sent this in)
Remember that touching holiday story out of Toledo, Ohio from earlier this year about the insane McNuggethead who fisted a McDonald's employee in the head after they refused to serve her a box full of deep fried blended chicken gizzards because it was too early? Well, here's that story in moving picture form and the only way it could be better is if it was served with a 6-piece Chicken McNugget, a Meth McFlurry and soft pink cotton sweater for you to put on once you get the shakes from jonesing for more fried chicken parts.
The best part isn't when the employee snatches that trick's hair. It's also not when that crazy bitch takes her McNugget rage out on the drive-thru window. It's when the next car pulls up like nothing happened. Fuck calling the cops! There's a delicious Egg McMuffin with his tongue's name on it.
And somewhere in Southern California, a McDonald's employee is "meh-ing" at this video, because Brit Brit pulls this foolery on a weekly basis every time they tell her McGriddles are not available after 11am.
This is the kind of dramatic bitch exit that used to exist only in the deepest part of Arnetta the Moodsetta's dreams, but now it exists in real life thanks to Steven Slater. Steven has taken "I Quit This Bitch" to brand new theatrical levels! Seriously, Steven Slater is the real bitch Bette Midler was singing to in that song. Bette just didn't know it yet until now.
Picture this. The red velvet curtain goes up and there's Steven Slater, a seasoned Jet Blue flight attending, sitting in his seat on a plane which just landed at JFK. The crew has told passengers to not even think about poking their toes into the aisle to collect their bags until the seat belt light has been turned off. But of course, some tricky bitch who shits on rules slithers out of his seat to get his bag from the overhead compartment. This is Steven's cue to leap out of his chair to tell the dude to sit the hell down. The dude disobeys Steven's authority and curses him out. The plane goes silent because they feel it in the air that Steven is about to give the performance of every diva's lifetime! All spotlights stay on Steven....
The NYDN reports that Steven got onto the intercom and screamed, "To the passenger who called me a motherfucker, fuck you! I've been in the business 28 years. I've had it. That's it." Then Steven grabbed two beers, pushed the emergency exit and slid down to the tarmac to pick up his bag and take the AirTrain to his car. And we all stand up to applaud and throw roses at Steven's feet! That whole scene is what a hair flip looks like in heaven!
But I have a feeling that the NYDN got their facts a little twisted. This is how it really went down. Steven grabbed two bottles of pink champagne, pushed the emergency exit, tossed his head in the air and then slid down the inflatable slide (grabbing his Louis Vuitton bag off the cart along the way) before somersaulting in the air and landing in his bright yellow Mazda Miata. Then Steven slipped on his Dior shades, blasted "Bye Bye Baby" and flipped off all the passengers who were still watching from the plane. Curtain goes down.
Steven was later arrested at his home in Queens. Steven will be charged with 2nd-and 4th-degree criminal mischief, 1st- and 2nd-degree reckless endangerment and criminal trespass in the 3rd degree. Steven faces up to 7 years in prison.
The only thing Steven should be charged with is dramatic theatrics in the first degree! Steven should be sentenced to 7 years on a daytime soap opera where his diva exits will be embraced and rewarded!
But seriously, fuck them! It's Monday! We're all allowed to grab two beers and slide towards the exit on a Monday.
(Steven's picture via MySpace) (Thanks to all who sent this in)
Now I don't condone child or beaver abuse, but this clip of Justin Bieber getting whooped in the head with a water bottle right after telling the audience he loved them (HAHAHAHA) is the reason why we all open our browsers every damn morning.
During a concert for a radio station, some girl (who obviously has been practicing for this in her parent's backyard all week) perfectly threw a water bottle like a champ at the Lesbeaver's head. That girl might have forced him into an early puberty.
But seriously, Justin should be prepared for shit like this. Just one airy flip from his magical locks would've sent that water bottle flying right past him. Come on, Justin! Use that golden helmet of wondrous dreams to your advantage!
Obviously, Justin needs to take private dodgeball lessons from Dubya.
You know it's going to be a special kind of weekend when it starts with the blessed image of the technicolor unicorn horn who goes by the name of Angelyne. Since my ass doesn't live in L.A., I feel like it's such a rare moment whenever I get a glimpse of this exquisite raver angel who fell off the face of a Garbage Pail Kid card a million years ago during a meteor shower. Here she is practically flashing her start fruit while shopping for toiletries at a drug store in Malibu today.
This is what it looks like when you chew on a glow stick while watching Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? shortly after washing down an acid tab with Dimetapp. Take it all in!
This is what a Simpsons episode called "Lisa's Future" predicted back in 1995. It goes without saying that Millhouse quietly weeped in the tree house during the ceremony. And Homer passed out into a sugar coma on top of the wedding cake after he drained the chocolate fountain.
You know what else this invitation says after I stare at it for a while? P.S. - YOU'RE ALL OLD!
SPOILER ALERT: Lisa doesn't actually get married in the episode. Shit goes wrong. But that doesn't mean you still can't wear your always elegant piggy cufflinks in honor of Lisa's would-be wedding day.
The Crackhead Leprechaun of Mobile, Tallulah Bankhead, Toni Tennille, Lionel Richie and Nat King Cole are all bright shining stars who all hail from Alabama. Well, add Antoine Dodson to that list! Antoine is now an overnight hero after he stopped an intruder from getting on his sister in the middle of the night.
Antoine wants everyone in Lincoln Park to hide their kids, hide their wives, hide their husbands, and hide their everything, because somebody is snatching people out of their beds. Then Antoine let his sister's attacker know how this story is going to play out. There better be a sequel to this and it better be in IMAX 3D.
And just like that, A STAR IS BORN! You can run and tell that!
(Thanks to all who sent this in)
SPOILER ALERT! At the end of Titanic, the ship becomes an underwater motel for fishes, a bunch of people die and Rose grows up to be a crazy old bitch who throws a multi-million dollar necklace into the ocean when her granddaughter is living in a damn dump! THE END, right? Wrong. The fart will go on thanks to Titanic II (pinch that shit, it's real).
In Titanic II, a group of dumb fucks build a Titanic II and launch it on the same day as the original and use the same course......and they probably hit THE SAME ICEBERG! That iceberg has been waiting for a rematch.
The only bitches who would ride on the Titanic II are the same bitches who answer "Jack Kevorkian" to the question "Who would you like to have dinner with the most?"
This mess is going to stink straight to the bottom of a Dollar Tree 4 for 1 bin, where I'll probably fish it out and buy it. Well, I want to know if Sharktopus gets them before the snakes do.
If you've ever wondered who buys the used Walmart brand lingerie in the 1lb for $1 bin at the Salvation Army, you now have your answer! The Annual Harley Rendezvous was held this past weekend and it's still the place where elegance and grace go for inspiration. It's like a Hogan family reunion produced by Jerry Springer.
The Harley Rendezvous is like the Gathering of the Juggalos' refined aunt who is such a lady that she wears lace panties under her spandex chaps and makes sure all the dildos are clean before she puts them in the children's sandbox bucket hanging off of her stirrup chair.
Are you taking notes, because I know you've been doing things ALL WRONG. You've been wearing poly-blend panties under spandex chaps and and not washing the dildos you put in the bucket hanging off your stirrup chair. And I know you've been going straight topless instead of painting a cartoon character over your titties like a true lady does. It's a good thing the charming flowers of the Harley Rendezvous are here to teach you how to carry yourself like an aristocrat. Henry Higgins who?!
You can see more pictures of this wondrous event at Cityrag.