This Belongs In A Museum
You know that old timey fable about the woof (it's so much better without the "l") who viciously murders a sheep and then pulls a Buffalo Bill by making a body suit out of the sheep's dead body so that he can easily slip into the "sheep world" to feast on all of their organs? This picture of Mah Boo Anderson Cooper in a bunny suit is totally like that story.
I mean, a silver fox putting on a bunny suit? I see you, Mah Boo. You're just trying to eat some bunny ass. I'll play along. As soon as I hit publish on this mess, I'm going to hot glue a bunny ear to each of my ass cheeks (I have no sensation down there anymore, so it won't hurt), and stand in front of the CNN studios with my ass sticking out.
If one of you bitches sticks a baby carrot between my bunny ears, I'll never talk to you again! Use a regular-sized carrot instead!
Anyways, Little Bunny Coop Coop posted this picture on his Twitter with the little note:
From ac: in IA for story on ape communication. The apes asked me to dress as a rabbit. Weird, huh?
Wait, the apes asked him to do this?! THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING! Get me a Teresa Giudice mask, find out how to say "Take off your clothes and wiggle" in Kokonese and then launch me into the ape den NOW!
(Thanks to everyone who sent this to me a million times!!!! Easter has come early and so has.......I'll stop. )
If we ever dropped into Kanye West's subconscious, we'd find ourselves in a small room wallpapered with pictures of Kanye holding a picture of Kanye holding a picture of Kanye holding a picture of Kanye holding a picture of Kanye (repeat until your brain reboots).
This interview Kanye gave to The Mirror's 3am at the London premiere of his new cinematic masturbation piece Runaway proves this. There's really not much for me to say here, so I'll just let Kanye jack his brain off while all of us watch in the corner. Put on your clear goggles, because Kanye's a squirter.
Kanye on how Michael Jackson has passed the rhinestone torch to him: "With the passing of Michael Jackson, I feel a responsibility to bring things to our generation that can inspire and bring real culture to pop culture. I don't sleep any more thinking how we are going to fill this gap, and create something to inspire on the level he did."
Kanye on why his line of douche bottle holsters for the fashion elite hasn't come out yet: "I promised I wouldn't tear up... but have you heard of a little thing called Lindsay Lohan's Ungaro collection? That was like the 9/11 of fashion. It was game over for me after that as no one would take a celebrity trying to do fashion seriously. Being discriminated because I'm a rapper at fashion week. I quit music for six months because fashion did not take me seriously."
Kanye on how he's saying "BYE BITCH" to the whole Taylor Swift scandal: "She still hasn't hit me up. I'm over that. I'm an artist and I'm all about my movie now and am leaving that behind. Most people will be like, 'I guess it's OK Beyonce's video didn't win.' That's not me. After the MTV thing I quit doing music. I had to get back into the world's grace. I went to Japan, Hawaii, to get away. I thought I was going to give it all up. It's only through divine intervention that I am here today."
Kanye on making a movie about The Simpsons or Big Bird: "I don't want to be put in the hip-hop box, I'm an artist. Hopefully I'll hook up with George Lucas and do a film about yellow people with beaks."
Kanye on Kanye: "Investing in me is like investing in art."
Kanye on I don't even know...: "I'm like a tree, I feed the branches of the people."
9/11 of fashion?! Making movies about yellow people with beaks?! People chew a lot of peyote, drop a lot of acid, drink a lot of cans of Four Lokos, and watch a lot of Jan Crouch videos to come up with fuckery-laced quotes like this and Kanye just squeezes them out like nothing!
And can somebody tell Godfather Tree that he can stop feeding me his foolery nectar for now. I'm all full until my next burping.
When I grow older and eventual turn into a 69-year-old Spanish woman with a high ponytail and one good cuchi cuchi shakin' dress (it's inevitable), I want to thrust and bust my shit just the way Charo did on The Wendy Williams Show yesterday. Charo is sixty-damn-nine years old and she's still running around like a horny orangutan who desperately needs a scratch!
While weak young pop stars are postponing their shows due to "exhaustion" and "broken limbs", Charo is out there stealing their men and lip-synching for everybody's life! Okay, the truth is Helen Keller could probably lip-synch better than Charo, but that doesn't matter when you've got moves that could give a corpse a boner.
Now we know what the key ingredient in Spanish Fly is. It's the wind Charo makes when she pops that coochie!
If early 80s Linda Dano transplanted a Robert Palmer girl's face over hers and then dipped her whole head into Xtina's dirty make-up water, she would look exactly like James Franco on the cover of trans magazine CANDY (and you know you want it). Grab a crystal ashtray, because the lady needs to flick!
This trans masterpiece is a million coats of fabulous. This cover smells like Vanderbilt perfume, Madeleine Mono pressed powder, pink champagne and lash glue. I want to take this cover to dinner AND a floor show in a white limo.
The International House of Freckled Cutlets (which doubles as an unlicensed John Robert Powers studio on the weekends) was filled members of the royal family (see thumbnail #12) and world class celebrities (see Lorielle New in thumbnail #11) for Phoebe Price's 32nd birthday celebrations yesterday afternoon. Yes, this is why there was a giant "CLOSED" sign on the church doors yesterday, because God wanted to keep all of his attention on this blessed event. Do you blame him?
While most international supermodels and Hollywood icons throw stupid birthday parties at some stupid Las Vegas club with stupid sponsors only stupid people care about, Chicken Cutlets successfully reached to the highest levels of glamour with her party. You can't go wrong with Costco's bakery department as a sponsor and a guest list that reads like a who's who of a Montessori preschool. And I'm sure PP's gift bags had a candy whistle AND a full sized Snickers in them.
Party planners better ask for a boost, because the bar has been raised!
And pretzels! And pickles! And radish bouquets! And velvet! And deli meat! And tostadas! Sweet Baby Jesus has given me a wonderful gift of all the things I love most and it's not even my birthday! But it is National Lace Day and that's practically the same thing.
Here's a few more beautiful pictures of ASkars promoting True Blood, Mrs. Field's cookie cakes, Auntie Annes Pretzels and overall bizarreness in Munich, Germany today.
On this cover of The Globe, Prince Charles does look like he would love nothing more than a few stray nutsack hairs between his teefs, but he's not the gay British prince! (You know what's coming...) Prince Hot Ginge is and there's nothing you or my state-appointed therapist can say to change my mind. I mean, Prince Hot Ginge got dumped by that Chelsy hag again! Only gay princes get dumped by the same girl that many times. It's fact!
Okay, maybe Prince Hot Ginge doesn't list man ass as his meal of choice, but The Globe still made a bad decision. Especially IN THIS ECONOMY. If that cover read "Prince Hot Ginge Is Gay", I would've sold my dog's kidney to buy every copy and a male RealDoll. Then I would've paper mached my RealDoll with some of the copies and use the rest to build a house for us to live in. So as Vivian said to Snobby Saleswoman #2 in Pretty Woman, "Big mistake, Globe. HUGE!"
P.S. - Yes, it's a slow day for me. Just pat my head and move along.
via Cover Awards
The black clouds above Aretha Franklin are slowly starting to part and the sun is now shining down on her bosoms of life! This is good news for every living thing on this planet, because Aretha's photosynthetitties give us all oxygen. Yes, you must have been hungover the day your 3rd grade teacher taught that lesson in school.
Grey skies are clearing up again, because Aretha's son has been released from the hospital after getting the beat down at a gas station in Detroit the other night. AND that isn't the only good news. Rich at Four Four has shared Aretha's deep fried greatness with everybody by putting together her greatest moments from a PBS special that aired recently.
The "voolay poo poo shay ah veck moi seck swah" bit she does at the beginning made me feel like I just ate a croque monsieur from the ultra authentic French restaurant Mimi's Cafe. I had to unbutton the top button on my cord shorts (do my laundry and then you can judge) to watch Aretha tell stories from her past while wearing a muumuu from Pier 1's Tahitian goddess collection. Unfortunately, I don't think a small portion of the proceeds donated go to Aretha's dreadful wig situation.
And I will give Aretha a Philly cheesesteak anytime she asks for one (she asks for one a lot, by the way).
Justin Bieber got lost while trying to find the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese and ended up in the middle of a Hooters at the West Edmonton Mall in Edmonton, AB Canada yesterday. It's Biebs and boobs!
The real story is that the Biebs band ate at Hooters earlier and promised the waitresses they'd bring The Lesbeaver back for a photo-op. They came through and that's how this magical picture came to be.
I'm not sure if the Biebs just climbed one step up the puberty ladder or if he's seriously resisting the urge to go wild on that breast feeding buffet.
Central Park is no stranger to hosting junked out meth faces with bulging "wheresmynextfixwheresmynextfix" eyes, greasy hair and thirstay lips, so it warmly welcomed Boo Boo the Chihuahua into its field this afternoon.
According to Guinness Book of World Records, Boo Boo is the world's smallest dog! Boo Boo is 4 inches tall, 6.5 inches long and weighs 1.5 pounds. This isn't official, but I'm sure Boo Boo is also the world's smallest crackhead! I mean, why is she giving me a look like she'll follow me all the way home unless I give her a dollar or my watch. And I totally would. I bet Boo Boo smokes the tiniest crack rock on the tiniest doll spoon. That's kind of adorable, actually.
NO! Boo Boo is not the Pete Doherty of toy Chihuahuas. Boo Boo is just scared as hell. If a baby butterfly could take you in a street fight and a human fart could send you flying into the next dimension, you too would be frightened as all fuck. But Boo Boo really has no reason to be terrified, though. The wings on her gorgeous owner's hair will protect her now and for all time.
Here's more of the dog who is smaller than some dicks promoting the new Guinness Book of World Records 2011 in NYC today. The world's tallest dog (at 3 feet 5 inches) Giant George was also there! George is looking at Boo Boo like: "My nutsack is bigger than you."