This Belongs In A Museum

This is a magical and wonderful story that proves that miracles (and naturally induced acid trips) happen every single day. Dick Van Dyke (PC version: Penis Van Lesbian) was surfing out in the ocean one day when he decided that it was the perfect place for him to take a little mimis. You know, because the elderly have this beautiful gift called BEING ABLE TO TAKE A NAP ANYWHERE. So Dick drifted off into the land of dreams and I'll let him take it from here....

"I woke up out of sight of land. I started paddling with the swells and I started seeing fins swimming around me and I thought 'I'm dead!' They turned out to be porpoises. And they pushed me all the way to shore."

And then shortly after he collapsed at the foot of a rainbow, a family of penguins flapped him dry and hundreds of crabs brought him a cold glass filled with tropical flavored Metamucil. The glorious melody of the porpoises cheering traveled to his ears and just when he was about to put his parched lips over the straw, his ass woke up in an overflowing bath tub and the annoying sound of his "Dolphin Dream" CD skipping. The end.

(Thanks to all who sent this in)

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen slithered out of the Death Eaters lair last night to attend Stand Up For Scleroderma at Carolines On Broadway in NYC and they ran into Bob Saget on the red carpet! They could all do lines together off of Stephanie's Mr. Bear without worrying about that tight ass prude DJ calling TPS (Troll Protective Services).

Nevermind that the Olsens look like they gnawed off a squirrel's crotch hairs and pasted that shit over their eyebrows or that kinky Bob Saget's thinking about how he wants to role play as Willow characters with them, where is Kimmy Gibbler? Even the tiniest Full House reunion is not complete without Kimmy Gibbler. Eh. Maybe watching the Olsens nibble on roach antennas and hiss at small children is much too real for Kimmy to bear. Kimmy always had a weak stomach.

George W. Bush's memoir isn't a picture book filled with doodles and scratch 'n sniff pages. I wish. If it was I'd be the first bottom (Definition of "bottom" - My kindergarten teacher's nickname for ass cheeks. Not the other thing, you dirty fuck!) on the carpet to watch Bush show us experts from his book at Barnes & Noble. No, Bush's memoir is filled with words, a lot of them. And in his book he gives a shout out to GAY FISH! Bush says that one of my favorite moments in television history was also one of the most disgusting moments in his entire presidency. Almost as disgusting as the time Laura snuck spinach into his brownies to trick him into eating more green veggies. DAMN THAT LAURA!

In an interview with Matt Lauer airing on NBC next week, Bush explains why he wasn't laughing with the rest of us when he watched Kanye West's random punchline followed by Mike Myers' "IS THIS REAL LIFE?" face and Chris Tucker's "What in the..." bulging eyes. EW reports:

“He called me a racist,” Bush tells Lauer. “And I didn’t appreciate it then. I don’t appreciate it now. It’s one thing to say, ‘I don’t appreciate the way he’s handled his business.’ It’s another thing to say, ‘This man’s a racist.’ I resent it, it’s not true.”

Lauer quotes from Bush’s new book: “Five years later I can barely write those words without feeling disgust.” Lauer adds, “You go on: ‘I faced a lot of criticism as President. I didn’t like hearing people claim that I lied about Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction or cut taxes to benefit the rich. But the suggestion that I was racist because of the response to Katrina represented an all-time low.’

President Bush responds: “Yeah. I still feel that way as you read those words. I felt ‘em when I heard ‘em, felt ‘em when I wrote ‘em and I felt ‘em when I’m listening to ‘em.

Lauer: “You say you told Laura at the time it was the worst moment of your Presidency?”

Bush: “Yes. My record was strong I felt when it came to race relations and giving people a chance. And it was a disgusting moment.”

Oh, George, you're just saying that so Taylor Swift will invite you to her Thanksgiving dinner. Well played.

And I've been refreshing Kanye West's SHRINE TO GAY FISH (aka his Twitter page) to see if he's dropped any CAPS LOCK-sponsored prolific words about this and he hasn't so far. But he did type this:

I always misspell genius SMH! The irony!
about 3 hours ago via web

No comment.

Why did anybody even bother throwing a Slutty Chilean Miner costume from Rite-Aid over their bodies when Heidi Klum turns this shit into a one-woman Halloween EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAAA every damn year. At Heidi's annual Halloween party in NYC last night, she told comfort to fuck off and showed up dressed like the robotic alien leader from RiRi's home planet (the Magic 8-Ball forehead gave it away).

This is a costume for a strong bitch who isn't going to cry (actually, crying in this costume is impossible) when every pore and hole starts hyperventilating and gasping for a shot of air. Heidi must've had an asthma inhaler shoved up her cooch so her crotch didn't pass out.

How can Heidi Klum properly celebrate Whoreoween in this shit? No getting fucked up. No carefully choreographed "wardrobe malfunctions." No passing out face first in a men's room urinal or on the dick of a stranger. None of that!

And Heidi's digestive system and bladder must train for this day all month long since they have to keep their shit together (literally) for the entire night. You can't just go for a quick pee pee times when it takes Mike Holmes, two jaws of life, and the extra large jar of grease your grandma keeps under her kitchen sink to get you out of your costume.

Here's more of the Keeper of Halloween and her husband Seal (who went as a roided-up Silver Surfer, or maybe he's one of The Silver Fox's platinum jizz balls...) at their party last night.

Doesn't it just put a shit on your day when a dude in a crocodile mask steals your shine? Although, the hot piece with the third-degree Heidi Fleiss face (see thumbnail #5) is giving Croc Dude some serious competition.

Pictures of Sean Penn resembling Eleanor Abernathy dressed in costume as a pre-chunk Robert Smith made my August, and now he's back with the same MAN DOWN CODE 10 wig on his head to complete my October. But why does Wyclef's mortal enemy still have the same grouchiness on his face as though someone fucked their b-hole with his favorite red lipstick? Looking like a downtrodden Cher the day after the reviews for Burlesque come out....or like Edward Scissorhands the day Flowbees hit the market. A sad old queen with a sad old wig is just plain sad.

Here's a few more of Sean Penn on the NYC set of No, No, No: The Neverending Saga of Amy Wino. No, he's on the set of This Must Be the Place (aka a hard peen dangling over a certain golden statue's mouth).

I'm so not drunk, high or (insert the name of anything that allows you to walk hand-in-hand with fuckery) enough to deal with this, but I'll give it a go anyways. So Kanye West Tweeted out his newest work of fresh foolery: the cover for his new album "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy" which has been banned in the USA!!! Or maybe Gay Fish is just pulling all of our dicks without lube while pinching at his b-hole with lube. Whatever, we'll still blame Taylor Swift. Here's what Kanye West had to say about the work of art that should be hanging over the little boy urinal at the MET:

Banned in the USA!!! They don't want me chilling on the couch with my phoenix! http://twitpic.com/2ykxjk
about 1 hour ago via Twitpic

In the 70s album covers had actual nudity... It's so funny that people forget that... Everything has been so commercialized now.
about 1 hour ago via web

I know that cover just blew yall minds ... I wish yall could see how hard I'm smiling right now!!! about 1 hour ago via web

In all honesty ... I really don't be thinking about Wal-Mart when I make my music or album covers #Kanyeshrug!
2 minutes ago via web

I wanna sell albums but not at the expense of my true creativity.
less than 5 seconds ago via web

That cover might be blowing saliva bubbles into my mind if I knew what in the drunk Sasquatch hell it is! It looks like an Illuminati-ized Dennis Rodman making a fart while some lady with a Dalmatian tail and a Fandango Puppet face grinds on his leg. If my therapist showed me this shit during our session and asked me to describe it, I'd grab some jelly beans from the bowl off her desk and demand a damn refund!

And Kanye totally bought this painting off of Regretsy, right?

The Madge of today would never ever write a letter that reads like it was written with a plastic heart pen by a 7th grader at sleepaway camp who only chews watermelon Bubblicious ("Ewww! Grody! Mint is yucky", she says) and is soooo mad that she was forced to use yellow lined paper because she was out of her signature stationary, marbleized hot pink lined paper. Totally bites.

Letters of Note (via Gawker) claims this is a letter Madge wrote to Steven Meisel on the Illinois set of A League Of Their Own (more like "A League Of Their Bitching and Moaning") in 1991.

1991 Madge hates girls, hates Chicago, hates actresses, thinks Geena Davis is a plastic doll filled with factory air and thinks the dudes in Chicago are the opposite of hot. Here's the transcript from LOT.

Dear Steven

For some reason I thought you were angry with me - because I finked out as a judge at the "Love Ball"? Because I'm still nice to Herb Ritts?? Because my hair is the wrong color? I hope you will forgive me for all of the above. Because I cannot suffer any more than I have in the past month learning how to play baseball with a bunch of girls (yuk) in Chicago (double yuk) I have a tan, I am dirty all day and I hardly ever wear make-up. Penny Marshall is Lavern - Geena Davis is a Barbie doll and when God decided where the beautiful men were going to live in the world, he did not choose Chicago. I have made a few friends but they are athletes, not actresses. I hate actresses, they have nothing on the house of extravaganza. I wish I could come to N.Y and visit. Are you having a good Summer? Saw the piece in the N.Y Times Magazine. Great!! - I would love to do this book thing with you so lets talk soon.

THANKS ALOT STEVEN!!

Love Dita

Seriously, I don't even think this generation's Madge knows what "yuk" means. The only time she says "yuk" nowadays is when she puts on her fraudulent English accent to yell at her morning-shift cook for putting egg yolks on her breakfast plate. "You knoh that one dane't eat the yuks! Fie the whites. Mustah this out of one's face! Goodness me! Cheerio!"

Hopefully this will make Madge nostalgic for the old days of bitchery and she'll go back to her old room at the HOUSE OF EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAAA to write more cuntified jewels like this on yellow lined paper.

And you know she folded that letter into an origami heart with "open my heart here" written on top of it.

You know that old timey fable about the woof (it's so much better without the "l") who viciously murders a sheep and then pulls a Buffalo Bill by making a body suit out of the sheep's dead body so that he can easily slip into the "sheep world" to feast on all of their organs? This picture of Mah Boo Anderson Cooper in a bunny suit is totally like that story.

I mean, a silver fox putting on a bunny suit? I see you, Mah Boo. You're just trying to eat some bunny ass. I'll play along. As soon as I hit publish on this mess, I'm going to hot glue a bunny ear to each of my ass cheeks (I have no sensation down there anymore, so it won't hurt), and stand in front of the CNN studios with my ass sticking out.

If one of you bitches sticks a baby carrot between my bunny ears, I'll never talk to you again! Use a regular-sized carrot instead!

Anyways, Little Bunny Coop Coop posted this picture on his Twitter with the little note:

From ac: in IA for story on ape communication. The apes asked me to dress as a rabbit. Weird, huh?

Wait, the apes asked him to do this?! THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING! Get me a Teresa Giudice mask, find out how to say "Take off your clothes and wiggle" in Kokonese and then launch me into the ape den NOW!

(Thanks to everyone who sent this to me a million times!!!! Easter has come early and so has.......I'll stop. )

If we ever dropped into Kanye West's subconscious, we'd find ourselves in a small room wallpapered with pictures of Kanye holding a picture of Kanye holding a picture of Kanye holding a picture of Kanye holding a picture of Kanye (repeat until your brain reboots).

This interview Kanye gave to The Mirror's 3am at the London premiere of his new cinematic masturbation piece Runaway proves this. There's really not much for me to say here, so I'll just let Kanye jack his brain off while all of us watch in the corner. Put on your clear goggles, because Kanye's a squirter.

Kanye on how Michael Jackson has passed the rhinestone torch to him: "With the passing of Michael Jackson, I feel a responsibility to bring things to our generation that can inspire and bring real culture to pop culture. I don't sleep any more thinking how we are going to fill this gap, and create something to inspire on the level he did."

Kanye on why his line of douche bottle holsters for the fashion elite hasn't come out yet: "I promised I wouldn't tear up... but have you heard of a little thing called Lindsay Lohan's Ungaro collection? That was like the 9/11 of fashion. It was game over for me after that as no one would take a celebrity trying to do fashion seriously. Being discriminated because I'm a rapper at fashion week. I quit music for six months because fashion did not take me seriously."

Kanye on how he's saying "BYE BITCH" to the whole Taylor Swift scandal: "She still hasn't hit me up. I'm over that. I'm an artist and I'm all about my movie now and am leaving that behind. Most people will be like, 'I guess it's OK Beyonce's video didn't win.' That's not me. After the MTV thing I quit doing music. I had to get back into the world's grace. I went to Japan, Hawaii, to get away. I thought I was going to give it all up. It's only through divine intervention that I am here today."

Kanye on making a movie about The Simpsons or Big Bird: "I don't want to be put in the hip-hop box, I'm an artist. Hopefully I'll hook up with George Lucas and do a film about yellow people with beaks."

Kanye on Kanye: "Investing in me is like investing in art."

Kanye on I don't even know...: "I'm like a tree, I feed the branches of the people."

9/11 of fashion?! Making movies about yellow people with beaks?! People chew a lot of peyote, drop a lot of acid, drink a lot of cans of Four Lokos, and watch a lot of Jan Crouch videos to come up with fuckery-laced quotes like this and Kanye just squeezes them out like nothing!

And can somebody tell Godfather Tree that he can stop feeding me his foolery nectar for now. I'm all full until my next burping.