This Belongs In A Museum

Here's the second trailer for MTV's upcoming masterpiece Jersey Shore (aka The Douchebag Diaries), and December 3rd can't come soon enough. Not only are the stars of this shit built like Greek Gods (after being doused in colonic fluid and filled with Silly Putty), but they are true poets. Below are the top 6 quotes from the trailer that will make your brain tingle and your soul go weak. Okay, these are all the quotes from the trailer. They are that poetic.

"There's no way I'm going to Jersey without my mangel."

"I am like a praying mantis. After I have sex with a guy I will rip their head off."

"My abs are so ripped up it's called 'the situation.'"

"You can hate on me all you want to, but what can you possibly say to somebody who looks like Rambo, pretty much, without his shirt off?"

"I'm the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island, baby"

"I'm a bartender. I do, you know, great things."

Megan Fox totally has some competition.

(Thanks Ktiz)

Whenever the winner is announced at a beauty pageant, the losers always stand there with a processed smile on their face and freshly glazed eyes. They clap because they are programmed to, but deep inside their brains they are fantasizing about ripping the winning whore's head off with their bare teeth. They never go through with it. But thankfully, a losing drag queen at the Miss Brazil Gay 2009 pageant had the balls (literally) to do it. No, she didn't rip off the queen's head, but she did something even better - she snatched off her crown AND wig in one swoop. Dear Sheree, takes notes immediately.

This hot bitch is making wig snatching look like an Olympic Sport. I just want a grab a big piece of paper, draw a giant 10 on it and hold it up! This is pure poetry in motion. That wig snatching tranny proved that she was the real queen with her perfect form and magnificent cuntface.

So every queen in Brazil needs to watch out. Whenever you see Miss Wig Snatcher 2009 (and beyond) stomping by, hold your shit down with both hands. THE ONE: She isn't it!

(Thanks to Kelly!)

The full cast of the UK's I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here was announced this morning, and unfortunately Detective La Toya Jackson isn't going to make it to the jungle after all. But glamour model turned pop icon turned gayelle champion Samantha Fox will! That means we will finally get that jungle acoustic version of "I Wanna Have Some Fun."

The cast also includes a bunch of hos I've never ever heard of. I took a few shots of the sweet nectar (for clarity) and I still have no clue. I need Detective La Toya to solve the mystery of some of these people's careers. Here they are:

Stuart Manning of Hollyoaks - No clue.
Lucy Benjamin formerly of EastEnders - No clue.
Sabrina Washington formerly of Mis-Teeq - No clue.
Gino D'Acampo, celebrity chef - No Clue.
Justin Ryan and Colin McAllister, interior designers and reality stars - Yes. I know these bitches.
George Hamilton, a leather duffel bag - Yes. I know this bitch.
Kim Woodburn of How Clean Is Your House? - Yes. I know this bitch.
Camilla Dallerup of Strictly Come Dancing - No Clue.
Jimmy White, snooker star - No Clue.

Katie Price, who was already on that shit a few years ago, is expected to join the cast in a couple of weeks. But first, Katie has to finish getting her monthly maintenance in Los Angeles (tits rotated, vagina resuscitated, lips plumped, etc....). Pictures below.

Make sure to avert your eyes when you get to the checkout counter at the grocery store this week unless you're okay with being violated by a St. Angie ORGY! It must be "Shit On St. Angie Week," because she is on the cover of almost all the tabloids this week. Was Balloon Boy or the Gosselins' gardener not available for interviews? DAMN. To quote the wisest woman on reality TV, Zoila from Flipping Out: "YOU CRAZY JEFF!"

Anytheywillallgotohellforthis, let's see what the tabloids have to say:

UsWeekly says that Angie still hates Jen (and vice versa): If you replaced Angie with Alexis Carrington and Aniston with Krystle Carrington, I would've bought hundreds of copies of this shit. Seriously, Aniston & Angie will never be the Alexis & Krystle of this generation! I don't see them fighting in fountains and slapping each other with their Nolan Miller clutch bags.

OK! says that Angie is adopting a baby without Brad: St. Angie has already picked out a baby friend from Syria, but Brad does not want a different flavor of baby barf landing on his beard. Brad is telling friends that he's not ready for child #2,345,745. Brad can't St. Angie from putting together the most powerful child army on the planet, because she's going to GIT THAT BABEH without him.

The National Enquirer says that Angie fell down because she weighs less than a fetus: Ding! Ding! Ding! I think we found the new spokesperson for Life Alert! According to the Enquirer, St. Angie is 5'7" and weighs in at 104lbs. After St. Angie collapsed, Brad is worried and wants her to get some help to deal with her "emotional demons." And I think Brad needs to get help for using the phrase "emotional demons." Let's not make that the new over the moon. NO.

Life & Style says that Angie is faker than a porn star's orgasm: Let me quote Jennifer Aniston's thoughts on this one: DUH.

Star Magazine says that Angie still hates Jen (and vice versa): See UsWeekly.

All you aspiring supermodels out there should whip out your notepads and carefully study these pictures of Phoebe Price posing for her life at the Farmer's Market in L.A. yesterday. You will be wowed as you watch Chicken Cutlets put the likes of Kate Moss to shame as she poses with everything from a distant relative (above) to a tabloid magazine to a plastic Santa Claus at Rite-Aid. There's not an inanimate object PP can't pose with!

This is seriously like a master class at Barbizon.

Bronson Pinchot pirouetted into our no-hearts when he spilled the shit on Tommy Girl, Denzel Washington and Eddie Murphy to The Onion's A.V. Club. In the interview, which was so beautiful that I almost tattooed it to my asshole (it's long enough), Bronson said that Denzel is about as pleasant as taking a dump in a truck stop bathroom, and that Tommy Girl is an expert at telling homophobic jokes (example: "You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?").

The Wall Street Journal contacted Bronson to see if he was just making jokes or if he was being serious. Bronson took the time to explain:

WSJ: Were you serious or joking when you said Tom Cruise made “constant unrelated homophobic comments” while on the “Risky Business” set?

"The context of the question was, 'how did he strike me as a person' at a point in his career when he was a virtual unknown. And my answer was that, coming straight out of the world of theater, as essentially all the supporting male actors did, where homophobic language was not heard, I remember thinking his use of it was remarkable and excessive; however, it is also true to say, in hindsight, that for a 20 year-old with no background in theater, such language is actually unremarkable. Which I did not know at 23."

WSJ: What about the remark that Denzel Washington is one of the most unpleasant people you’ve met?

"I regret my choice of words there, and would like to amend my statement by saying I found his willingness to be ungenerous, unkind, knowingly hurtful both mentally and physically to myself and the crew to be the saddest misuse of stardom I have ever experienced or hope to experience."

WSJ: Did either actor, or their reps, contact you after the story broke?

"No."

So, basically, Bronson is standing by his words of poetry. If that man ever needs a nipple, he can have mine.

And Tommy Girl hasn't contacted Bronson, because he's waiting until the two meet in a dark alley somewhere. When that moment finally comes, Tommy will snap at Suri to hit "play" on his princess boombox, and he will challenge Bronson to a swish off! Bronson better work on his sway, because Tommy will bring it hard!

Here's British socialite Tara Palmer-Tomkinson at an anniversary party for Tatler magazine last night with her titlers out. Yes, Tara looks like Mr. Burns going to a costume party as Kelly Bensimon, but I'm all for showing your nipples, so this works! You know how some bitches say if you've got, flaunt it? Well, I say even if you haven't got it, flaunt it!

Tara better stop threatening me with a good time, because she's about to become my favorite elegant rose of England (I don't mean that, Jodie).

This is how you should dress to ALL events. When you aren't sure what to wear, wear almost nothing! Nipples aren't only meant to be nibbled on in the middle of the morning, they are also meant to be shown off to the public. Keep on, Tara, keep on.

We knew them when.....

On last night's The Office, Dwight made the best decision of his life when he covered his succulent titty hocks with the all-powerful Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt! Seriously, they are going places. Don't be surprised if you hear that the Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt is starring in the next Twilight movie, or that they are putting out a single with Kanye West, or that they have been seen "canoodling" with Megan Fox (please don't let there be a sex tape). Ah-woooooo!

Those three bitches and that moon are even more magical than I thought. Normally when I see a cell phone clipped to a belt, all the moisture in my eyeballs gets sucked out. But my eyelids didn't even have a seizure when Dwight came out with a cell phone clipped to his belt! It's the magic of the three wolves at work. They better get 3 Emmy awards for this!

Image VIA Mashable

Prince and Alien Princess RiRi are both in Paris at the same time, so it's got everyone seeing double! Bitches need to a clue to figure out who is who. Because of this, Prince has been forced to prove that he's not the tenheaded alien one by flashing his luscious chest fur wherever he goes. RiRi's titty bush doesn't sparkle and shine in the light as much as Prince's. I'm pretty sure Prince's chest hair is the secret ingredient in Gelly Roll pens.

Here's the fancy purple lesbian, his matching piece and Kunty Karl at some Fendi party last night.

Ever since the magical piece of trash masterpiece that is Showgirls changed my life in 1995, I've been hongray for a sequel or a TV show or a YouTube series or a porn version or something! Well, finally I can unclench my soul, because my prayers have been answered!

The German site Extratipp (via JoBlo) is singing from the top of the mountains in heaven that writer/director/genius/lifesaver Marc Vorlander is working on a sequel called Showgirls: Story Of Hope. Why is Germany's palette for everything so refined? I mean, The Hoff, sausages and SHOWGIRLS?! They are the perfect people.

The sequel will focus on Penny/Hope, the dumb ass stripper in the first Showgirls played to perfection by Rena Riffel. In the sequel, Hope dies of cocaine contamination and her brother goes to Frankfurt to get revenge on those who are responsible for her death. Yeah, I don't know what this has to do with Showgirls, but who cares! It could be about mobster ferrets and I'd still be creaming over this as long as they include equal amounts of Gina Gershon, bitch fights, rhinestones, and random sex scenes.

Rena is expected to reprise her role as Hope. They will shoot in Frankfurt on a $25 million budget. Don't ask me how many dick holes they had to lick to get that money, but it was worth it. THIS MUST BE MADE! The future of humanity depends on it!