Catherine Zeta-Jones' rep said in a statement to everyone last night that she has gone off to a mental health treatment facility for a little bipolar disorder maintenance. CZJ has been open about her bipolar II disorder and in 2011 she went off to a rehab facility for 30 days, because she was about lose it. ("Thee, I thold you all women are moody!" - mood expert Drew Barrymore) CZJ's rep Cece Yorke (that's a hot name) released this statement of words to the media:
"Catherine has proactively checked into a health care facility. Previously Catherine has said that she is committed to periodic care in order to manage her health in an optimum manner."
A friends of CZJ's tells People that she didn't have a breakdown or anything. CJZ's 30-day rehab stay was already planned and she's there so that doctors can monitor her medication. The friend went on to say, "This was just a good time to do it. She is in between projects. This has always been part of the plan. She would manage her health. She is vigilant about it."
Let's say CZJ checked in over the weekend, that means she'll be out at the end of May. Behind the Candelabra airs on May 26th on HBO. I see what CZJ is really doing. CZJ is just trying to avoid the images of a Liberace wig slowly falling off of Michael Douglas' head as he pounds Matt Damon from behind. I don't blame her.
Here's CZJ and Michael Douglas at the 40th Annual Chaplin Award Gala in NYC last week.
HBO finally released a full trailer for Liberace biopic "Behind the Candelabra" and I think it made me butt birth out a rhinestone-covered baby unicorn. In under two minutes, they gave us sequined vests, gallons of lip gloss, exquisitely applied eyeliner, bubbles, Matt Damon in a white Speedo, feathers, fur, a crystal-encrusted Rolls Royce chariot, gay drama and more wigs than a Knowles family reunion. If there was a close-up shot of a massage therapist's dick, it would look exactly like John Travolta's daily thought process.
And more importantly, the trailer gave us this:
When Rob Lowe puts on a middle-parted long wig he looks like a coked up Princess Stephanie in the middle of an orgasm and who knew looking at that would give me the puckers.
Here's Michael Douglas and Matt Damon as Liberace and Liberace's young piece Scott Thorson on the cover of Entertaintment Weekly. My nipples are not secreting rhinestone water, so that tells me that Michael Douglas looks nothing like Liberace in this picture. This looks more like a butch Walter Mercado throwing a fur coat on a young Regis Philbin wax figure.
Michael and Matt play Liberace and Scott Thorson in Steven Sodbergh's Behind the Candelabra, which airs on HBO in May, and they both talked to EW about what it was like transforming themselves into crystal-encrusted beauties. Matt says that one of the most awkward things he had to do for the movie was to get a weekly spray tan since Scott Thorson wouldn't be seen in a metallic thong unless his skin was the same shade as Liberace's gilded cock ring. The other awkward thing Matt had to do was dry hump on Michael Douglas from the back.
As for their sex scenes together (and trust us, the movie has plenty), Damon and Douglas both say that shooting a moment of passion is always awkward, no matter who’s involved. “The scene where I’m behind him and going at him, we did that in one take,” recalls Damon, laughing. “We do it. Cut. There’s a long pause. And then you just hear Steven go, “Well… I have no notes.”
Well, I'm glad that this movie has scene after scene of Michael Douglas getting pounded by Matt Damon while wearing a Mama's Family wig, because that's exactly what's been missing from my life.
Before Catherine Zeta-Jones scared the children by working the Oscar stage like a wigged, horny banshee on the loose during "All That Jazz," she put dozens of hos to shame when she sashayed down the red carpet like RuPaul, Michelle Visage and Santino Rice were sitting at a table in front of her. CZJ looked like Miss Philippines in the final round of Miss Transgender Universe 2013 and I'm pretty sure her dress was made out of the gold parts from a dozen Wonder Woman costumes.
After Michael Douglas and CZJ talked to Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet, that Frogger-looking motherfucker with Sears Portrait Studio hair snubbed her ass. Oh that was just Seacrest's jealousy showing, because he's just mad that CZJ can steal all of his men with just the wink of an eye. I don't even care that CZJ's face is completely brand new, she was still the epitome of drag eleganza last night.
And my other favorite looks of the night came from Charlize Theron and Jane Fonda. Unless your name is Shauna Sand, Angelyne or Harald Gloockler, I don't like calling you perfect, but Charlize Theron looked pretty perfect last night. Charlize must have a birth make shaped like Donald Trump's head on her inner thigh and one of her nipples must be way fatter than the other, because something has to be wrong with her ass. Also, I just want to get drunk with Jane Fonda and watch her pick up men in the piano bar of a business hotel.
How does one greet the new Commander of the Order of the British Empire (whatever that is)? Do you get on the ground and salute with your nalgas ala Entrapment? Do you graciously bow down while saying under your breath, "The pleasure is mine, me lady...who isn't a minute over 41 and has never lied about her born year..."? Do you throw her a rose made of Botox vials? One thing I know you don't do is punch her in the face. And that's exactly what a paparazzo allegedly did to CJZ as she arrived at her hotel in London after being named the CBE.
In the video above from Entertainment Tonight, CZJ and Michael Douglas walk through a storm of camera flashes and once she gets to the front door of her hotel, she starts hollerin' out, "HE PUNCHED ME! HE PUNCHED ME! I WANT THE POLICE!" Who needs the bobbies when you've got Gordon Fucking Gecko?
If Michael Douglas was a band, his name would be Frail No More (GONG me and I'll call the bobbies), because he threw himself into the army of paps and puffed his nipples at the mofo who dropped a dose of disrespect on his wife.
The police were never called and CZJ's rep only said, "You saw it for yourself." But we really doesn't... You never actually see a pap's fist go into her face, but I'm going to choose to believe her. CZJ would never tell a lie (cut to her birth certificate laughing). I mean, who do we believe? A pap or THIS WOMAN:
Right? A glamour puss in a gold lamé catsuit deserves everyone's respect and trust!
Never mind that Justin Bieber stole his 3D glasses from a candy raver circa 1997, it's a little bizarre that his magical locks made from the dreams of solid gold unicorns look positively bland next to St. Angie Jolie's high halo. Yes, that's a halo (or maybe Brad Pitt is crouching behind her with a spotlight held over his head). Angie is probably so confused when she posed for this picture at the Golden Globes. She doesn't know whether she wants to adopt him or date him.
Eat your vag out, Jenny Shimizu, because it looks like Angie's got a new lezzie of choice!
And meeting Bieber wasn't the only magical event Angie took part in that night. There was also this:
Leave it to Michael Douglas to part the emerald sea with his photobomb. Catherine Zeta-Jones and Angie are trying to out-beauty one another, but little do they know that Michael Douglas took this one.
The National Enquirer had Michael Douglas booking a one-way ticket to heaven through Travelocity, but he tells Matt Lauer in an interview airing tomorrow morning on Today that Jesus is going to have to find another angel to play Gordon Gekko in their cloud production of Wall Street, because he won't be checking in anytime soon. After going through chemo and radiation treatment, Michael says there's no trace of the tumor in his froat and he's on his way to a full recovery.
Michael tells Matt, "I feel good, relieved. The tumor is gone. But, you know, I have to check out on a monthly basis now to maintain. I think the odds are with the tumor gone and what I know about this particular type of cancer [is] that I've got it beat. I have to check out on a monthly basis now to maintain. I guess there's not a total euphoria. I'll probably take a couple of months of getting checked out. But it's been a wild six-month ride. All of a sudden the affection from my family, from my friends, and from my fans hit me at a much deeper level than I would have ever imagined before. And it gave me a really new appreciation of just how valuable, how precious good friends are and family. And it's not that I disregarded them before but there's a much deeper feeling."
Michael's now eating like he's got a Kirstie Alley in his stomach and says he's put about 12 pounds of chunk on his body and he's got 20 more to go.
And I thought finding a half-eaten, old bag of Mother's Circus Animal Cookies in my freezer today was good news. But finding out that Michael Douglas will soon be well enough to star in ANOTHER Romancing the Stone movie is even better news.
Nevermind Catherine Zeta-Jones dressed like she just got back from an Eat, Pray Love-inspired travel tour for rich white ladies, it's Michael Douglas! Michael, who might still be in the middle of undergoing cancer treatments (I'm not sure), and his family are spending their Thanksgiving at Disney World this year. Yes, THANKSGIVING, but you can't tell from this picture since stupid ass Mickey and Minnie are dressed up for Christmas. Somebody tells those pre-ejaculators that we don't start stroking the candy cane until tomorrow! And somebody pour me another plastic cup of Andre, because I actually looked down to see if Mickey has a bulge. I have problems that cannot be cured.
And it's not officially Thanksgiving until you look at priceless pictures of international gem and hilarious expression maker Kirk Douglas and his wife Anne feeding the homeless (and themselves) at the Los Angeles Mission.
Michael Douglas is in the middle of undergoing treatment for froat cancer, but he still managed to put on a button down shirt and pull CZJ out of her Botox chamber to attend the Wall Street 2: Money's Got Insomnia premiere in NYC last night. Now I have no reason to bitch and moan about how suits make my pores itch, my bones ache and my nipples hyperventilate (but they really do).
Joining Michael at his premiere last night were his co-stars Shia LaDouche, Josh Brolin, Susan Sarandon, Carey Mulligan and director Oliver Stone. Shia talked to UsWeekly about working Michael, "He is a wolf, and he is a strong man. And I know of his vulnerabilities. When he came to set ... he was dealing with a lot, but never was it, 'Woe is me.' Ever. They’re going to remember him forever. You can’t say that about a lot of people. He's an American institution. It’s intimidating and incredible and exhilarating and rewarding." And then Shia asked the reporter to pull his finger.
Michael didn't talk to any reporters on the red carpet, obviously. Not even a wave, but that's okay because Shy-Shy has enough "Hiyeeees" for everyone:
Here's more pictures of the cast last night. Oh, and Ty Ty Banks was there, because she wanted to talk about how it was like for her when she was an investment banker during the recession.
Isn't that a headline that just squats over your cup of coffee and pisses in it? But it's not completely bad news. As some of you know, Michael Douglas was diagnosed with cancer of the froat three weeks ago and he had a conversation with both People Magazine and David Letterman about his current condition. Michael tells People that he has just started 8 weeks of radiation and chemotherapy to treat a tumor that is sitting at the base of his tongue and refuses to leave. Michael has 7 more weeks of treatment to go.
Michael told Letterman last night that the chemo will change his a voice a bit and he might have trouble swallowing solid foods. Michael's cancer is Stage 4, but it has not taken its evil act past his throat area. When Letterman asked what the chances are that it won't spread to the rest of his body, Michael answered that after doctors conducted a poll on Facebook they said he has an 80% chance of recovery. No, I don't know how doctors came up with 80%, but that's the number they gave to Michael. Other doctors say his chances are even better.
Michael's interview with Dave ended with a hug. Click here to see a piece of it.
Here's hoping to a full recovery! Michael should just make sure to keep his eyes closed when CZJ serenades him with a healing song, because that bitch looks crazy in the face when she sings. And this doesn't mean I have to pay money to see Wall Street 2, right? I'll sneak into it after buying a ticket for the much more respectable cinema masterpiece You Again.