Do You Need A Moment?

Let me just start by saying that if Green Day's Billie Joe Armstrong wore that sophisticated and sexy sequined tube dress on the flight, he wouldn't have any problems.

The gutter baby of Gozer the Gozerian and a Beetlejuice doll from Hot Topic was getting on a Southwest flight from Oakland to Burbank when one of their flight attendants told his 39-year-old ass that he had to cover up his 39-year-old ass by pulling up his pants or he'd be put on the No Sag List. I didn't know General Larry Platt was Southwest's Style Director.

An ABC reporter was on that same flight and said they were pretty much ready for takeoff except for Billie Joe's saggy pants situation. When BJ was told to pull his shit up, he responded with some verbal shade by telling the flight attendant that they obviously had better things to worry about than his ass hanging out. The flight attendant asked him again and BJ responded with: "I'm just trying to get to my fucking seat." Game over. The pilot locked the door, a TSA agent tackled BJ to the ground and a flight attendant tasered his ankles until his thigh muscles grabbed onto those pants and pulled them up. BJ was immediately taken to Guantanamo Bay where they are currently torturing him by forcing him to wear his pants over his ass for hours on end.

No, BJ and his travel mate were both kicked off of the flight. BJ Tweeted this right after Southwest denied his 39-year-old crack the right to be seen:

Just got kicked off a southwest flight because my pants sagged too low! What the fuck? No joke!

A customer service rep from Southwest immediately got involved and apologized before putting BJ and his friend on the next flight out:

"As soon as we became aware of what had happened, we reached out to apologize for this Customer's experience. He elected to take the next flight. We followed up with this Customer and involved Employees to get more details and, in our latest conversations, understand from the Customer the situation was resolved to his satisfaction."

Billie Joe could've just turned down his ego, pulled up his pants, sat down, thrown a blanket over his lap and taken his pants completely off (NSFW like this) when that flight attendant wasn't looking. That's what I do. On the other hand, the flight attendant could've also just told themselves that it's Southwest Fucking Airlines and if at least 75% of the people on the flight don't look like trash, then they can't take off. It's an FCC rule.

But really, this is why I want to stick my tongue in Southwest (or Southworst as some hos calls them) and get a job with them one day. They give bitches the QUIT YOUR ASS TREATMENT for saggy pants, being too fat, dressing too slutty and for crying too much.

Just imagine getting paid to tell paying customers: "You hate belts, get off!" or "Your fupa offends me, get off!" or "You look like a penny hooker in a land of quarter hookers, get off!" or "You cry human tears, get off!" or "Your baby's ugly face is a flight risk, get off!"

Just thinking about it is taking me higher than any plane ever could.

Seen here saying with her eyes "BABY BRAHIM! My face nerves got stuck again! Fetch the heat wand and start cooing out that 'unfreeze chant' I taught you!" at the premiere of her movie W.E. at the Venice Film Festival last night, Madge wore a dress with some butterfly shit on it that matches the butterfly decals over her boy toy's crib in the nursery alcove next to her master dungeon suite. So maternal, that Madge.

Yesterday, I got into how Madge's face looks like a par-baked chicken pot pie, so today I'll just praise our patron saint of baby snatching for the latest wet dingle she's added to one of the hairs on cinema's asshole. After reading the rest of the reviews for Madge's feature film directorial debut, it's official: that shit sucks. You can always count on Madge to throw a piece of shit on the face of cinema decade after decade. In the 80s, she gave us Shanghai Surprise! In the 90s, she gave us Body of Evidence! In the 2000s, she gave us Swept Away! And now she's giving us W.E.! I hope Madge continues to believe that she and movies go together like Lady Caca and her career. The Razzies depend on her.

And during a press conference for Madge's movie about the Duke and Duchess of Windsor, she said this about Wallis Simpson:

"I identified with her in that I think it's very common when people become celebrities or public figures or icons that we are often reduced to a soundbite and that you're given a few attributes and then you're not allowed to have anything more than that."

Wasn't Wallis Simpson one of Hitler's homegirls? And Madge identifies with her? Madge is definitely threatening Mel Gibson with a good time. If Madge has got a Kabbalah bracelet cover, then Mel Gibson's got time and a jacuzzi. Mad Mel will even lift his nuts and paint them Brazilian baby brown so Madge feels more at home.

File this under: Now this mess should've been the real ending to Lost.

Jack Sawyer (real name: Matthew Fox) is currently shooting a movie in Cleveland, Ohio, and on Saturday night he was all ready to party like he's going back to the island but not everybody was down with his plan. TMZ says that Matthew was trying to get on a private party bus even though his ass wasn't on the list. The bus driver tried to party block Matthew and refused to let him on. Heather Bormann said that Matthew must've been drinking too many of those Dharma-tinis, because he was every kind of drunk and had no idea what she was saying.

When Heather tried to get him off the bus, Matthew allegedly used his Party of Five fingers to punch her in the chichis and then followed it up with a fist to the gunt. Heather says that he kept crotch punching at her so she had to stop his fists from flying by punching him back in the jaw. Matthew fell back as he spat up blood. Heather said she did it in self-defense and to stop drunk Matthew from giving her black and blue nipples.

Matthew was handcuffed by the police but never arrested. They released him to a friend who took him back to the hotel.

Unless you're on the Chris Brown Party Bus, what kind of asshole tries to fist a vag and turns a pair of titties into punching bags? Well, I guess we're living in a world where Jack's new saying is "Live together, drunk punch pussies and titties alone."

There are some douchefucks who should really get nipple-burning drunk in the comfort of their own bedroom closets so they can punch at the walls, rage scream at the air, spray saliva at their coats and act like a total asshole trash dick without making everyone else have a shit time. Shia LaDouche is one of those drunks. The Box in L.A. got a tool shower when Shia LaDouche showed up on Friday night and started spraying water like a douchebag that just sprung a leak.

A witness type tells Life & Style that Shia became a bottle-nosed douche dolphin as soon as he sat at a table with Marilyn Manson and a lady friend who was probably his girlfriend Karolyn Pho. The witness explained Shia's squirtin' show like this:

"Shia picked up a water bottle and shot a mouthful of water all over his seated date's legs. Then he put more water in his mouth and started spitting it all over his tablemates, including Marilyn Manson. He seemed wasted.

People started taking their seats in front of the stage at the event, but all of a sudden Shia started shouting at his date and getting visibly angry. Then he headed for the door. He lunged through the very thick seated crowd, and the crowd pleaded with him and encouraged him to sit down. They tried to hold him back -- but he kept struggling through."

Shia had to climb over people and tear himself out of the grasp of various strangers who were trying to keep him from going crazy. His date panicked and ran out after him. Marilyn looked shocked and annoyed but stayed seated. Shia and the girl did not return."

It was so insane -- he just had a total meltdown right in front of everyone. It was completely out of control. He was so angry and physical. He was determined to get out of there."

HURRICANE SHIA! Category: Asshole! Shia can't control his water or his damn booze. The funny thing is that instead of Shia spitting out water at people, the people around him should've spit water at him since bitch could use a shower.

Well, at least you know that if you're ever about to get a blow job from Shia, bring a splash guard, because dude's a sprayer!

Jim Carrey's open video love letter to 22-year-old Emma Stone that launched a thousand restraining orders was meant as a joke, so says his publicist. A joke that he was completely serious about. When that mess came out, some said Jim was just doing comedy and others said that it was creepier than my fan fiction Skype sex with the Anderson Cooper cardboard cutout I set up in front of my other computer in the bedroom. Jim says it's both serious and a joke! Jim's rep said it's a "comical love letter" and he explained it like this on Twitter:

Yes, my msg to Emma Stone was a comedy routine and the funniest part is that everything i said is tru. www.jimcarreytrulife.com

People often ask me if i'm being funny or serious. The answer is "YES". ?;^]

"It's a comical love letter" is exactly what the #1 suspect in a girl's disappearance would say after the FBI find a video like this on her hard drive. No. Again it's just jokes. But before Jim is arrested for trespassing after he's caught licking up "Emma Stone's footsteps" from the welcome mat outside of her house, he needs to do something about it. By that I mean Jim needs to move to Ireland, glue a merkin to his chest, stock up on ass numbing cream and buy an Emma Stone mask for Sinead O'Connor to wear. Both of those horny hos need to get fucked so they might as well get fucked together.

The day that we hear that JLo is a pleasure to work with and makes all of her co-workers bust out a smile as they nominate her for EMPLOYEE OF THE CENTURY is a day that will never ever come. The chance of that happening is right up there with the world's fattest fatty fat fat bitch NOT accidentally suffocating her dog with her double down fupa cleavage of death.

Everyone knows that all spell checks should be updated to automatically correct the word "BITCH" to "JLO." We all know this. JLo can't sing and can't act, but one thing she can do is bring the bitchery in heavy doses. The cast and crew of her new shit show What To Expect When You're Expecting (aka Valentine's Day meets a pile of labor poop) are witnessing this for themselves every day says Gatecrasher:

Jennifer Lopez is keeping to herself these days - at least on movie sets. A source on the location yesterday of "What to Expect When You're Expecting," which stars the recently separated Lopez along with a slew of other A-listers, tells us the 42-year-old "wouldn't talk to anyone directly" on the Piedmont Park set in Atlanta, and would converse with people only "through her handler."

JLo knows that she has a reputation as a diva-plated asshole to uphold, so of course she's going to pull out some ridiculous shit like this. But what JLo doesn't know is that she's actually bestowing an act of kindness upon the damn crew. I mean, would you rather talk to JLo's handlers or would you rather pop an eye vein by trying to not roll your sight balls while talking to JLo herself? Exactly. Joke's on that bitch. Fishsticks Paltrow better almost run over more jaywalkers, because JLo is trying to snatch away GOOP's sainthood without even trying.

Last week, some ski dude got busted for doing an all-the-way R. Kelly on a JetBlue flight by drunk pissing on a 12-year-old girl and now Gérard Depardieu has joined the club by saying oui oui to pee peeing on a plane's carpet. Dozens of hos witnessed for themselves that the stuffed cunt toast of France just doesn't give le fuck about anything. Gérard Depardouchebag will throw shade at Juliette Binoche and will gladly show a bitch he's not joking by filling an airplane cabin with the rotten scent of French bladder wine.

People reports that 62-year-old Gérard was on a CityJet flight from Paris to Dublin that was delayed on the tarmac when he asked a flight attendant if he could take a piss in the toilet. The flight attendant denied Gérard and told him in so many words that he better pinch his peen and wait until after they takeoff. Gérard will not be told NON and so he did what any old drunk would do: he got up and pissed himself in front of everyone. And my mouth is pissing out a heavy stream of HAHAHAs over another masterpiss from Gérard. CityJet only had this to say:

"I will only confirm that he, in effect, urinated in the plane."

After Gérard gave everyone his best performance yet, the plane went back to the gate and was delayed for another 2 hours while a crew de-urinated it. Gérard was not arrested or cited and he had nothing to say about this mess.

The only thing that is keeping this almost perfect story from being absolutely perfect is that it didn't go down in America. If it did, he would've been tackled, tasered (smells like charred ham and burnt roux), hog-tied, charged with terrorism and had his mushroom head penis nose shoved into the piss stain.

And I really can't wait to see how he's going to blame this on Juliette Binoche.

CBS' The Talk, which is like a clone of The View on internet-bought Amberen and Vagisil foam, is coming back for a second season this Fall, but Deadline reports that both Leah Remini and Holly Robinson Peete have been kicked out of the coop. Their sources say that the show's co-creator Sara Gilbert (aka forever Darlene Conner to me), Sharon Osbourne and Julie Chen have all been asked to come back. Julie Chen coming back is not a surprise since she's married to the head of CBS Les Moonves. The #1 rule in TV is: if the boss is cumming on your back, you're coming back!

But Page Six says that the Asian robot wrapped in bronzer dough is the main reason why Leah and Holly aren't coming back. Sources say that The Chenbot rules those bitches hard and let's it be known that they better abide by the ridiculous pieces of shit that come flying out of her mouth. The source went on to say that during that Casey Anthony shit, The Chenbot banned her co-hosts from talking about it unless she's at the table since the busted hard drive in her head has a copy of Journalism for Dummies on it, making her a serious journalist! The source put it like this:

“[Julie] said, ‘My husband feels strongly that you should not be talking about news [without me], you are not news people.’ Sharon just said, ‘I don’t know about this.’ She’d had enough. ”

A different source says that the gutter raccoon of Scientology known as Leah Remini is also a rusty thorn shoved up The Talk's lumpy ass. That source had this to say about Leah:

“[Remini] was a disruptive force. She had a huge morale problem. Her mother never parked in her assigned space. She was told not to park in the lot anymore. ”

I didn't need some anonymous source to tell me that Leah Remini is the fucking worst. Every time Leah opens her trucker mouth on that show, it feels like I'm getting DPed in the ears by a thorny dragon lizard and an anorexic porcupine. Listening to Leah talk is about as pleasant as sticking your head in a paint shaking machine.

That rough bitch and Holly Robinson Peete getting kicked off the show is a good thing. But I only say that because now there won't be any hos between Sharon Osbourne and Julie Chen. That means Sharon can finally attack The Chenbot and chew her circuit wires out while a motionless Sara Gilbert just sits there like D.J. Conner at the Thanksgiving children's table.

This is a video of Mexican Beliebers breaking out into an espectacular loco meltdown over the fact that the coming of their Jesus has SOLD OUT. No, not the actual Jesus. If the second coming of Jesus was announced and these niñas couldn't get tickets to his meet and greet, they wouldn't act this fucking crazy. This is over Justin Bieber of all babies!

This is some dramática shit you pull during your telenovela audition. Not over Justin Bieber selling out. I swear. Where is an army of chanklita-wielding abuelitas when you really need one?

Let's just pretend that this entire clip is lost in fuckery and translation, and they're actually crying over the fairy in Guadalajara being a hoax. Yeah, let's go with that.

via ONTD

Anybody who has seen Paula Abdul's masterpiece of a trainwreck reality show knows that she's a sane and level-headed employer who treats all of her assistants with the utmost respect and would never make unreasonable demands. Since it's Opposite Day, what I really mean by that is Paula is Forever Your Crazy Bitch and working for her is probably not unlike babysitting a psychotic toddler who has never been spanked and will only go into its calm submissive state if you stick a pacifier made of Vicodin in its mouth. I bet if you walked into any padded room and asked who has worked for Paula Abdul, the one patient in there would stop chewing on a pillow tile to raise her hand a dozen times (one for each personality that was created to deal with Paula's crazy ass).

UsWeekly says that Skat Kat's former beard (Skat Kat, totally gay, totally loved the Q-Tip in his no-no) gives all of her assistants this list of demands they must follow or she'll feed them to Simon Cowell's tits.

1. Each assistant must carry and use a tape recorder at all times "because she doesn't trust her own conversations," the source says.

2. "She also makes them check the TiVo for any mention of her and put it on a DVD."

3. Abdul team members should also prepare to go through her email -- and respond to family and friends as the star herself.

4. The "Forever Your Girl" singer also needed constant reminders that she is a "warrior, survivor and gift," adds the insider.

Okay, these aren't that weird. The second one isn't weird at all. The third one is easy since her assistant only has to respond with "please send percocets now" and her family knows she's doing fine. The first one makes sense, because Paula never knows which voice in her head controlled her mouth that day. Sybil wishes she would've thought of that! The fourth one is true in every way. Paula is a gift (to the pharmaceutical industry, The Soup and me), is a survivor (going through an 8-hour period with just one syringe of liquid morphine counts as surviving) and she's definitely a warrior! Don't you remember the battle of the Bratz (which she lost) or her never-ending battle against sanity (which she wins every time). Paula IS a warrior, survivor and a gift!

With all that being said, I'd rather get a job as that dog's full-time anal gland pincher than work for Paula's ass.