Do You Need A Moment?

Heather Locklear may or may not be in rehab right now after swallowing a death cocktail of various pills & booze, and Star Magazine says she slipped into a whirlpool of woe because of a fight she had with her ex-fiance Jack Wagner. File this under: Why didn't these hos save the fighting shit for the Melrose Place reunion in 10 years?

A few days before Heather's overdose, she brawled with Jack on the driveway of her house in Sherman Oaks. Jack showed up to get a few things he left at her house and they immediately started arguing. Jack said some stuff about her family, Heather said some stuff about his family and all that led to him pushing her. Amanda Woodward is never the one, so she knocked him to the ground by punching him in the face. Before the cops arrived, Heather snatched up Jack's dog, threw it into the car and drove away from the scene. And this is where a thick layer of confusion swept over me, because Star then says that Heather did talk to the cops and told them she didn't want to press charges.

Locklear quickly fled, but not before grabbing Jack's dog and putting it in the car.

According to Star's source, the drama didn't end there. The police arrived and after speaking to them both they realized the gash across Wagner's face was caused in self defense. "Heather didn't want to press charges, so she left."

So Jack showed up to Heather's house, they got into a fight, he pushed her, she punched him, she dognapped his dog, the police came a runnin', she came back, she said she didn't want to press charges, Jack didn't say anything even though he got punched in the face and then she left again? Let me guess, the name of Star's source rhymes with Feather Cocklear and they left out all the drunk burps she made while telling them her side of this mess.

Heather, slowly move your lips away from the bottle and hand it to me. I can drunkenly write incoherent gibberish for the both of us.

Someone who doesn't know my ass very well asked me who I thought was the best dressed last night and and my answer was and will always be: WHO CARES! Picking out a pretty dress is easy! It's so easy a MiserAlba can do it. The men and women who really deserves some attention (and heavy amounts of extra chunky shade) are the ones who rolled into a truly busted outfit and bravely smiled through the fugness in front of all the cameras. Because it takes a lot of work to look that fucked up and we should give them the recognition they deserve. So here's my favorite messes from last night in no particular order.

Piper Perabo - The car cover for my mom's old Buick got a second chance at life when Piper used it to make a ball gown that Cinderella would've worn if her Fairy Godmother was a pervert who just wanted to see her nipples. If you were walking through the woods and heard the voice of crazy calling at you from above, and you looked up to find a nekkid ass Sharon Stone caught in a parachute stuck in the trees, she would look just like Piper Perabo. Piper's dress told me that yes, she does acid. And Piper's curious poses told me that yes, she does acid AND Ecstasy.

Melanie Griffith - Okay, Melanie's dress was totally normal, but the scene she gave on the red carpet was a totally different story. The way Antonio Banderas held her up and dragged her across the carpet... The way she kept those sunglasses on.... I really thought it was a Weekend at Bernie's situation until I realized that Melanie probably got a quick glance at Piper's posing and was knocked back by the DRAMA!

Zooey Deschanel - I shouldn't look at the top of a dress and think that my dog's idea of heaven would be scooting across it. AstroTurf for your titties is not the look.

Sarah Michelle Gellar - The worst ad for MiO Water EVER! I'm not sure I wanted to know what it would look like if I was swimming at the bottom of a pond in Smurf Village and looked up just as all the Smurfs started to piss into the water. That being said, I want that dress as my next screensaver.

Lea Michele - We're living in a world where Lea Michele is Beyonce in her own head and we're also living in a world where nobody told her that she looked like a mermaid linebacker from Chernobyl.

Amanda Peet - The good news is that her 1-year-old daughter now has a cribskirt for almost every day of the week.

Jessica Chastain - I KNOW! I can already hear it. Everybody thought Jessica Chastain was the epitome of perfection and is what would grace your eyes if you looked at an angel's pearl necklace under a microscope. But I just looked at Jessica Chastain and saw a really bad Swoosie Kurtz circa 1989 impersonation.

I will say, though, that Jessica is someone you want in her life. When Giuliana Rancic was interviewing Jessica on E!, she loved everything. Jessica said she LOVED Giuliana, was such a fan and has also been dreaming of coming to the Golden Globes ever since she was a little girl. Yes, Jessica is one of those people who loves everything. So she's definitely the person you want to tell when you've just found out you have Gonorrhea. You'd be like, "Jessica, I just got back from the doctor and he told me that being a bareback slut finally caught up with me and I have Gonorrhea now." Jessica would keep a smile on her face and be like, "Gonorrhea?! That's my favorite STD! I love gonorrhea! I'm a huge fan. I'm so happy for you!"

Thomas Jane - I did not know that Knott's Berry Farm let you keep the costumes after you take a picture at one of their old timey photo shops.

Lana Del Rey's album isn't even out yet until later this month, but hos started throwing cold mounds of shit at her months ago when they accused her ass of being as fake as the collagen noodles on her mouth. The Lana haters say that her record label changed her name from Lizzy Grant, uploaded a new musical style into her brain, plumped up her lips with a bike pump and transformed her into some kind of Nancy Sinatra-like indie wonder. And last night, they really tried to make Lana Del Rey happen by pushing her out on Saturday Night Live's stage when they really should've pushed her into an emergency room for a Red Bull injection, because she looked like she was going to fall into a coma mid-hair flip. If this was an episode of Dance Moms, Abby Lee would say that Lana didn't even earn a place on the sand under her pyramid. The whole thing was a new kind of bizarre.

Lana sounded like a Japanese person trying to sing in English with a German accent. I'm sure that what came out of her mouth is not unlike the sounds that come out of a walrus's mouth when it's doing high school theater vocal exercises. The passport of Lana's voice filled up last night, because it was all over the place. (GONG me in the face for that one. I deserve it.) The way she moved too. Lord. It was like someone threatened to shoot all of her loved ones if she didn't give the performance of her life and she doesn't really love her loved ones, but doesn't want them to know that, so she just Meh-ed her way through it. Nerves due to inexperience are a helluva drug.

With all that being blogged, I LOVED EVERY PAINFUL MINUTE OF IT! It was like watching an overly sedated 8-year-old girl do a Jennifer North from Valley of the Dolls impersonation. Sedated camp at its finest!

Click here and here if you can't watch the videos above.

If "doing the horizontal Dougie on Doogie Howser" is an item high on your cum bucket list, then let this clip from The Price Is Right teach you how to cross that shit off the quickest way possible. Somehow get on The Price Is Right, freebase a whole can of Amp to give you that "hyena getting struck by lightning" feeling and when Neil Patrick Harris walks out, immediately dry hump him until security pries you off with an electric spatula. You will probably walk away with a prize package consisting of a restraining order and a permanent block on Facebook from NPH, but the memory of watching his face contort into a state of sheer fear as you sexually assault him in public will last forever.

The doors to the Crazy Church of Gay Fish swung wide opened last night on Twitter when Kanye West clogged up all of his followers' feeds for over two hours with his dreams for a brighter tomorrow, or some shit. Kanye's brain switched to thoughts on using iPhones in schools to starting a visionary company called DONDA (named after his late mom) to opening a summer school with Spike Jonze to interning for Kunty Karl to continuing Steve Jobs' legacy to I don't even know. It's like he was crying out for somebody to tell him that he needs less GOOP in his life, because you know you're on another level of lack of awareness when even Fishsticks Paltrow is buying you a one-way ticket back to earth.

If Kanye's CAPS-LOCK OMGLETMEBREAKMYMACBOOKAIR rants read like they were written by a Red Bull can on the wrong kind of crack, Kanye's latest Twitterologue reads like it was written by a seasoned weed bong on a generic kind of Valium. I don't know how to feel about this. Reading one of Kanye's Twitterrhea sessions just isn't the same when my eyeballs aren't backing up into my head to escape him overdosing on CAPS and !!!!!s.

As Kanye's CAPS-LOCK key and I stumble alongside each other into the scary unknown, you can read Gay Fish's entire plans for his Magnum Douchepus here. But if your bowels can only take so much of Kanye in the morning, here's the highlights. This is Kanye's ego on the good shit:

I moved to Rome after I left Japan and worked at Fendi for 4 months under cover ... I was there to give ideas for the men's collection

I snuck to Giuseppe Zanotti Factory still under contract and learned to design woman's shoes for 2 years before my first show in Paris

I knew about my woman's clothing was what my Mom would wear. I guess some critics would joke that I still don't know anything LOL

I was just discussing becoming the creative director for the Jetson movie and someone on the call yelled out.. you should do a Jetsons tour!

I have started a new company and I'm so excited about the name.... it's got the best name ever of all companies of all time!!!....

The name of the company is DONDA

DONDA is a design company which will galvanize amazing thinkers and put them in a creative space to bounce there dreams and ideas...

I am assembling a team of architects, graphic designers, directors musicians, producers, AnRs, writers, publicist, social media experts... app guys, managers, car designers, clothing designers, DJs, video game designers, publishers, tech guys, lawyers, bankers, nutritionist ... doctors, scientist,teachers...DONDA will be comprised of over 22 divisions with a goal to make products and experiences that people want and can afford...

I care about people who have never heard of me... There are over 7 billion people on the planet now...

Spike Jonze and I want to do a Summer school that tries new forms of curriculum

UNLESS YOU'RE A MATH MAJOR!!!! Kids you should be able to take majors starting in grammar school like how it is at performing art schools

Instead of kicking kids out of schools for using there iPhones... why not promote it? Allow kids to use search engines to do test...

We need to take what Michael Jackson felt and Mcqueen and Steve Jobs and we need make things better...

If anyone would like to reach out email us at contactDONDA@gmail.com

I just wanted to share what's been on my mind... ...But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas." - George Bernard Shaw

Right? It's kind of TOO lucid (for Kanye) and too coherent (for Kanye). You know the Mayans are right when Kanye's Tweets are gently whispering at you instead of burning your eye hairs off with his ALL CAPS SCREAMS!!!!!11!!!!!1!!!@#!!!

That being said, Josh Groban, you know what to do.

Apparently, there's such a thing as a mild case of kidney failure and Nick Cannon's got it. I guess Nick's kidney hasn't completely went the way of his music career (aka died a fast death), but it's just lying there, paralyzed and has temporarily forgotten how to form emotions. Sort of like Mimi's twins when they glance at this portrait hanging over her Hello Kitty bathtub.

Nick had a kidney situation while the two were spreading their cheese in Aspen (see the foolery below) and is now laid up in a hospital bed. And in true Mimi fashion, she jumped into the hospital bed and forced some tortured nurse to take a picture for her Twitter followers. That nurse now knows how to take a picture while trying hard to control her eyeballs from instinctively rolling out of their sockets. Mimi posted this long ass message with the precious portrait:

Please pray for Nick as he's fighting to recover from a mild kidney failure.

This is us in the hospital - role reversal; Last year it was me attached to the machines (after having dembabies) and Nick was there with me through it, and now here we are.

We're trying to be as festive as possible under the circumstances but please keep Nick in your thoughts because this is very painful. They tried to kick me out of the hospital but here I am pon de bed with Mr. C.

We're doing OK but we're "straaaaaanded in Aspen". #DramaticDivaPlace (I know, we could be in a lot worse places) but the truth is as long as we're together, we're OK. I'm not trying to make light out of the situation because it's a serious moment that's very tough on all of us so please keep us and our family in your prayers. LYM.

Nick must have the sicks in a serious way, because his facial expression is brought to us by the letters FML. Or maybe Nick's feeling the pain inside something extra, because his kidney has more than mildly failed after Mimi put that assholian hat on his head for this picture. It'll be okay. That bitch Kero Kero Keroppi owes Mimi, so I'm sure he's good for a kidney.

Haven't we all been there before? You're leaning against the bar at Helsinki's biggest gay club and the sweet nectar is numbing your good judgement as you're getting a little high from sniffing the toxic hairspray fumes wafting down from the gigantic hair cliff on your head. Life is beautiful, but then it all changes when your eyes scan the room and you catch your Finnish piece doing some shit your drunk self does not approve of. The "dramatic cunt theatrics" switch in your brain goes on and suddenly you're doing the kind of shit that Klymaxx used to write songs about. You start fighting with your boyfriend inside of the club and it spills out onto the street.

You're slapping at him like your name is Sharon Stone and Martin Scorsese's got a camera on you. Usually, it ends with you huffing on home by yourself and passing out on the living room floor while a plate of nachos is half shoved into your pie hole. You wake up with the mangled carcass of a nacho chip dangling out of your mouth and you crawl over to the sofa to wake your boyfriend up with the stank breath cloud of hungover regret that comes out of your mouth when you whisper, "I'm sorry." But that's not how it ended for Glamberace and his boyfriend Sauli Koskinen.

Ilta-Sanomat and TMZ both report that Glamberace and Sauli were arrested last night in Helsinki after getting into a fight in front of a gay club. Before the police arrived, Glamberace got psychical with a few people who tried to break up the fight. Both Glamberace and Sauli were taken into custody. They were questioned and later released, because neither of them had brawl bruises on them. This morning (aka THE MORNING AFTER....dun..dun...dun), Sauli wrote this on his blog:

"Publicity is not easy, but also celebrities are just human. Love is not easy either, but it lasts forever!"

Err, nope. Love does not last forever. Love ends for me when a ho fucks with my buzz by dragging me out of a club to beat my ass on the street. But drunken love brawls happen and the witnesses did get a special Christmas gift in the form of watching a Goth Heat Miser scrapping with a Finish twinkie who has hair like a butch My Little Pony.

Is X-Factor always as dramatic as a Mexican funeral? Everybody's crying like they're about to bury somebody. Damn. I don't watch this anymore, but I'm about to slip it into my queue again, because this is the kind of theatrics I like to tuck myself in with at night. In case you didn't watch this emotional disaster last night either, let me set up this mess of a clip for you. Last night's elimination came down to 13-year-old Rachel (Simon's contestant) and Marcus (L.A. Reid's contestant). Simon gave his pink slip to Marcus, L.A. gave his slip to Rachel, Paula gave hers to Marcus and when it came time for that dumb ass Nicole Shitsinger to pick who she thinks should go home, she locked up.

Nicole made the same face she's going to make in a couple of months when she's cleaning up her dressing room after Simon fires her ass for being absolutely useless. Nicole gets paid way too much money to judge a singing show and this ho couldn't even push a vote out of her mouth. Nicole told Rachel and Marcus that this is so hard for her, because she's been up there before. This bottom of the barrel Apollonia impersonator can't be serious. BITCH, you were on The WB Popstars and I think I'm the only one who remembers that (and the only one who owns an Eden's Crush CD). Nicole couldn't decide, so she forced the vote into deadlock by voting for Rachel. The elimination was then up to the public's vote and they voted that 13-year-old Rachel needs to exit stage left. They voted the child out. What happened next was like a Real Housewives meltdown as seen through the eyes of Zeffirelli. That shit should be an opera!

Rachel fell to the floor, got back up and cried to her mom, "Mommy, you promised!" There is a special line at the entrance to Hell for people who laugh at children crying, so I will see you there. Rachel definitely deserves a few Emmys for this, but a special award should go to Nicole for her impressive mime work. I mean, wiping away those invisible tears? Charlie Chaplin is slow clapping up in heaven as I type this.

What a mess. Nicole Scherzinger not only stole Apollonia's entire act, but now she's murdering the dreams of children? Send her to the guillotine!

People sitting in and around the business class section of an American Airlines flight leaving from LAX today got a beautiful gift in the form of watching Alec Baldwin getting shown the exit door on the plane for playing Words with Friends on his iPad. Alec Tweeted that the flight attendant lit their tongue on fire and then poke at his b-hole as he ran off the plane. Alec then went on to declare that he and American Airlines are fucking done professionally (and personally):

#theresalwaysunited

But, oddly, 30 Rock plays inflight on American. #theresalwaysunited

United Airlines should buy Words With Friends.

Now on the 3 o'clock American flight. The flight attendants already look.....smarter.

#theresalwaysunited Last flight w American. Where retired Catholic school gym teachers from the 1950's find jobs as flight attendants.

The former COO of MTV Michael J. Wolf was also Tweeting about this as it was happen. So there's an image to carry you to the dinner table. An old butch flight attendant with a ginger fro barking up Alec Baldwin's b-hole while Michael J. Fox's uncle watched.

Getting kicked off a plane for playing Words with Friends makes zero sense, but when you throw Alec Baldwin's name into it, it suddenly makes so much sense.

JLo's toy of the moment/back-up dancer, Casper Smart, is currently with her in Morocco at the opening of some mall and before he strapped himself into his booster seat on his sugar madre's private jet, he had a mini Tweetrum about the "haters" talking shit about his relationship. Casper puffed up his chest, pulled up his Pull-Ups, stood on his tippy toes and huffed out this:

Runnin around city getting all my stuff ready and packed for Casablanca tonight.. #stayingbusy
29 Nov

I don't understand how people can speak on other people or things they know nothing of??!!! #CRAZY Off to Morocco!!!!
29 Nov

Casper then re-Tweeted a bunch of pats on the head from his followers.

@Caspersmart dont listen to the haters i think ur awesome :) And a good dancer :-)

I think @Caspersmart an @JLo make a really good couple but you know everyones gonna hate cuz when your happy or successful ppl have to hate

@Caspersmart Well Mr.Sexy guy say BLURRPP to the haters :) probably i will support you and @JLo until the end my dear :) ♥

Why are ppl judging @Caspersmart no 1 knows how long @JLo was separated be4 she announced the divorce ppl need 2 stop being so quick 2 judge

Can't JLo turn on the parental controls on the BlackBerry Casper uses to Tweet? Isn't there some kind of pacifier add-on for Twitter that will stop his whining, because damn. JLo adopted Casper from The KFed Boy Toy Agency like 15 seconds ago and he's already pissed about all the shit people are saying? It's going to be a long (insert the number of weeks you bet in the office pool on how long this "relationship" will last) if Casper can't take a little shade.

Casper, who sort of looks like a humanized Dewey Duck on growth hormones to me, needs to spend less time getting his Underoos twisted and more time practicing hitting JLo from the back. Can you imagine watching Casper trying to mount JLo's big ass? It probably looks like a toddler trying to crawl up a slide. Just slipping all over the place and shit. Casper, here's a tip: get a running start.

via Page Six