Do You Need A Moment?

As you can see, Dennis Quaid and his wife left a restaurant last night looking like they just had an orgy with a few bottles of the sweet nectar. And I'm no Lohan, but it also looks like they have a case of coke mouth. I'd have to sniff at their breath to make an official ruling. Anyway....

A boozed-up Dennis Quaid got behind the wheel of his car outside of Phillipe Chows last night, and was just about to drive away when the po po pulled up. You can get put in handcuffs for just putting your keys into the ignition while under the influence, but the cops decided to give Dennis a warning instead. Splash says that when the cops told Dennis to get out of the car, he told them he wasn't planning to drive away. The officers let him go back into the restaurant and call a cab.

Dennis should give those cops a taint licking and a lap dance, because they saved him from marinating in a jail cell for a few hours. And when you've got the drunks ills, the last thing you want to be doing is using your hands to protect your asshole in jail. You need your hands to keep the booze barfs from coming up.

If I was that police officer I would've arrested Dennis for being related to Randy.

Either a) RiRi no longer has alien nipples, because that barb wire sliced them off. Or b) That's not barb wire, it's black licorice. If that's the case, this cover is delicious. Yes, I'm one of those "black licorice" people. It all makes sense now, right?

So, this is Alien Princess RiRi looking like she escaped Hostel on the cover for her new single "Russian Roulette." Just in time for Slut-o-Ween! For real, do you know how many broke down versions of this costume we're going to see on the night of October 31st? Sluts will find any excuse to wrap junkyard artifacts around their chesticles.

And if you care, here's the audio that goes along with this cover. While listening to it, you might need to cut at your nipples with barb wire to stay awake.

If this shit doesn't work, click here to listen to it.

On X-Factor over the weekend, Whitney Houston ran into a few issues which has caused some hos to once again scream that crack has whacked up her brains. The first issue came when the strap of her dress popped off during her performance of that "Cokey Dollar Bill" song. There's a reasonable explanation for Whitney's wardrobe malfunction. Since Bobby Brown wasn't there to pop her doody bubble, it simply traveled all the way up her back and burst causing her dress strap to bust open! Blame it on the doody bubble.

The second issue came during the interview when Whitney got all confused and couldn't remember when her album was coming out in the UK.

Yes, Whitney's brain was off marinating in a bong somewhere, but it wasn't THAT bad. At least Whitney knew her dress was falling apart. All the crackheads I've come in contact with would've let that dress fall to the ground without flinching. Then they would've spent the rest of the performance asking the audience for 25 cents or a quarter. And during the interview, they would've dry humped the host, snatched his wallet and then hocked a loogie at him (example: all of Amy Wino's performances).

Okay, you win, she was still a mess.

(Thanks Heather)

On last night's Celebrity Jeopardy, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar thought he was the answer to a question, but he wasn't. Oh, Kareem! Shortly after the show aired, Kareem issued this statement: "Balloon Boy's dad made me do it for...a show."

In Kareem's defense, if I had a sex stick in spectacles staring at me, I'd get the vapors in my privates and eff up the question too.

SamRo has basically closed her eyes, ears, fingers and mouth to Lindsay Lohan, so what's a pill-pooping (typo and it stays) crazy to do? LiLo had no choice but to hop on her Twitter to cry about how SamRo's family is pussy-blocking her and stealing her shine. Or something.

Lilo, who is a graduate of Courtney Love's School of Incoherent Tweets, needs to stop freebasing an entire bottle of NyQuil while Tweeting. I mean, calling SamRo "brilliant"? My 6-year-old cousin will go to sleep with a smile tonight when I tell him that the ho from Herbie: Fully Loaded thinks he's brilliant, because he also knows how to make a playlist on iTunes.

You know what LiLo needs in her life?! Yes, she needs a mother whose idea of breakfast isn't a bowl of Adderall and Red Bull. But she also needs a party-crashing deer in her life. Seriously, look at this party-crashing deer from Michigan:

Every time LiLo tries to take her crack antics to Twitter, a deer needs to jump into the room to stop her. SIGN HER OFF, party-crashing deer!

In case you haven't heard from the crazed screaming tweens (and pedos) running down your block with tears in their eyes and blood on their wrists, Miley Cyrus left Twitter. Yes, this is a devastating blow to the spirit of this country, but we must move on as a people! However, Billy Ray Cyrus didn't take it so well. Right after his daughter signed off for good, he jumped on his Twatter and begged her to come back. This shit will give you the achy-breaky barfs.

Maybe the Twitter executives promised Billy Ray a lifetime supply of peroxide and highlight caps if he brought Miley back. Or maybe Billy Ray just doesn't know how he's going to spend his nights now that Miley is no longer Tweeting webcam pictures of herself and her friends. Yeah, that's the ticket.

But Billy Ray now understands why Miley made the OMGWTF important decision to dump her Twatter thanks to this rap video she made. I'm too old for this video. Actually, we're all too old for this shit. WARNING: This might make you want to bust into a "Goodbye Internet" rap.

Didn't Miley learn anything from the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie? Chipmunks should never ever rap.

TMZ caught up with a boozed up Mickey Rourke last night in NYC, and he decided it was a wonderful time to tell us why he constantly uses the slur "faggot." According to Mickey, it has nothing to do with being gay. No, calling someone a faggot is just like calling someone a punk ass bitch. Mickey kept saying how it had nothing to do with being a homosexual, and those who want to label the word can fuck off. Basically, Mickey just doesn't give a fuck.

Mickey went on to fart that he would use the word during his footballs days when telling one of his teammates to catch the ball. WAIT. Hold the dildo!

So is Mickey trying to say that every time someone has called me a faggot, they were actually telling me to catch the football? If I knew that, I'd probably be the wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys by now. That means I'd spend my days in a locker room full of hot pieces! DAMN MICKEY. Where were your words of wisdom when I needed them most?

And here's some pictures of Mickey looking 100% heterosexual while sashaying through NYC with his fluffy lap dog while wearing Forever 21 jeans, a dandy plaid vest and loafers that used to belong to Barbara Bush.

Katie Price, who has made zillions of dollars from allowing cameras to shoot her every bowel movement, wasn't exactly thrilled with a group of paps yesterday. Katie Spears-ed the pappies by attacking them with her umbrella while screaming at them "get a fucking real job!" That was the punchline.

No, Katie didn't go full Cheeto by shaving her weave off for the occasion, but I'm sure her fat kitty is completely bald, so that sort of counts.

Katie's spokeswhore actually issued a statement about the non-incident: "Kate understands the nature of her job and generally co-operates with the media. But yesterday she said they were being very intrusive and had overstepped the mark."

Or maybe Katie was just in a rush to get home, because the rain was starting to wash away all the layers of orange diarrhea on her skin.

It seems that 17-year-old Frances Bean (daughter of Courtney Love & Kurt Cobain) has inherited her mother's skills for writing confusing rants about totally random subjects. For some reason, Frances went on her Twitter (her account has since been deleted) and typed out an open letter to 45-year-old Ali Lohan of all people. If we were all to write a joint open letter to Ali Lohan, it would consist of 6 words: YOU ARE SOME BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT. But Frances Bean got a little deeper. We're going to need an Emo soundtrack for this one.

Before you start, you should know that Courtney Love doesn't believe in spell check in her household. Rant poetry should be raw. And we're off:

This is my open letter to Ali Lohan.

Your not entitled to anything simply because your sister has a recognizable name. Your idea of fame isn't fame. It's infamy. You want to be famous? Work your ass off and make decisions that could potentially catapult your career into a lasting one. Notariety for who you are and notaritey for the work you produce are two completely differnt things. I understand that you have been brought up in an envirtoment where the idea of fame is easily achievable but, that's not an excuse. You lack the talent, social understanding and credibility to be anything other then infamous. Your careere choices, thus far, will transcend a future career as someone who attempted to be famous, but never quite achieved it. And if you do, it will be the formality of fame that puts you on the covers of tabloids, while the public idly watches you plumit into the murky abyss shared with the likes of Spencer Pratt & Jon Gosslin who, i'm sure, will steal your money whilst there. Fortunately for the world, there are people who have and don't have recognizable names, who have obtained artistic integrity and will one day, hopefully, bring that tangible artisticness into light again. Though, its hard to think thats achievable when people like You ali lohan are rendering the world of true talent by attempting to make your entitled ass noticed. How is this fair to the people who HAVE artistic integrity, or a mind? How is it fair to those who truly have something to offer the human race other then a dwindling last name and a few shitty films, both of which, solidified the idea that your just a celebrities sibling. I recognize that i might come across as harsh and no, i don't personally know you, but its the actions that you take, that speak for you. You blatently don't care how your recognized, its the objective to get famous and that is what makes you replaceable and a recycled idea .Well, im ashamed to have to be grouped into the same category of person as you. I would rather die a most painful death the be assoicated with the kind of careere your trying to make for your self. I hope i'm wrong because generally i'm not a very judgmental person, but in the case of you, that is MY entitlement.

I have to give to Frances for putting "Ali Lohan" and "artistic integrity" together, because my brain would have never ever gone to that place. And if it did, I'd have to disown it immediately.

I know I'm already on the Grammar & Spelling Nazis' most wanted list, but Frances Bean just jumped two places ahead of me. I'll see you in grammar prison, Frances! We can be bunk mates.

And if you're currently suffering from IRONY poisoning after reading this letter, just drink some milk and stay away from anything Courtney Love-related for a few hours.

P.S. - I'm patiently waiting for White Oprah's "open letter to Frances Bean," but I think she's still lying face first in a toilet from last night's debauchery, so let's give her a few.

VIA ONTD

Sean Penn might be in a little bit of trouble after he allegedly karate kicked and hit at a pap who tried to photograph his ass while he was leaving the Brentwood Country Mart yesterday. The pap who goes by the name of Jordan Dawes says that Sean, who looks like he was wearing a Jeff Spicoli wig at the time, went crazy on his ass a few times before getting in his car and busting out of the scene.

TMZ says that Jordan immediately filed a police report against Sean.

If you're a pap and Sean Penn comes around the corner, you better put on a helmet and pray for the power of Greyskull to be with you, because bitch don't play. Look at his old ass busting out a SPARTAAAA kick on that pap! The best part is that he's not letting anything happen to that bag of food he's holding. Sean must have spent time at the abuelita training camp, because memaws are masters when it comes to beating your ass with one hand while stirring a pot of food with the other.

And if the pap wanted to get Sean off of him, he should've just thrown a fake 8 ball or a rubber vagina at him. That'll keep Sean busy for a few quick seconds.