Do You Need A Moment?

At Mel Gibson's Holy Family Chapel in Agoura Hills, CA, he is God, Jesus and all of the saints rolled into one. What Mel says goes. That means Mel gets to pick and choose who sits next to his drunk ass in the pews.

Radar Online reports that Mel is making all new parishioners fill out an application and go through a security check before he offers you an invitation to join his church. Apparently, Mel is paranoid about hos blabbing about his holy ramblings to the media.

The one-page application states that it "must be accepted by security in order to gain admittance" and that it's "not open for negotiation by guests/attendees." It also adds that membership can be revoked at any time for any reason.

You know, I kind of understand why Mel is pulling this fuckery. It's a privilege to "pray" with Mel. His church is probably a non-stop party and who doesn't get tingly for a party? The holy water is spiked with top-shelf vodka, the communion wafers have been soaked in rum, and Jesus' blood comes in your choice of white, red or sparkling wine.

And the seventh commandment, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," has been replaced with, "Thou Shalt Party With Your Peen Out." So I totally see where Mel is coming from.

At a Jonas Brothers concert in Madrid on Wednesday night, a dude crashed the stage and took his shirt off while being chased by a couple of bumbling bodyguards. Lauren & Hardy they ain't!

Hopefully, this dude had a good explanation for his therapist.

Either he wanted to take their purity rings off with his asshole, or he went absolutely crazy from being at a Jonas Brothers concert. It has to be the latter. When he realized where he was, he stormed the stage in hopes that he could rip the cords and stop the fucking madness!

Naw. It was totally my first guess.

via TMZ

Last night's Country Music Awards crowned Taylor Swift as their new princess by giving her a bunch of awards including Entertainer of the Year. Taylor became the youngest youngin' to win the top prize. Unfortunately, Kanye West couldn't attend, but he was there in spirit. And by that I mean every single person who took the stage made a Kanye joke. It's the joke that will roam this earth long after we're all dead. Kanye obviously needs to come and snatch the spotlight off this joke for once and for all. See what I mean? It's an epidemic.

Because Kanye wasn't there to wet queef on Taylor's parade, Wynonna Judd decided to take the helm. When USA Today asked Wynonna what she thought about Taylor winning big, she answered, “You want my honest comment? It’s too much too soon. Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once. It’s just too much of a good thing too soon. My thing is, being a home-school mom, I want kids to earn it, and I think some time ... ‘cause mom and I rode in a car for the first year of our career to visit radio stations. There was a making of the star, there was a rising up, and the fans went with us. Now it’s over coffee breaks, the success, almost. You have to play catch up ... It’s like the girl who wins an Oscar and she’s under 20. What do you do from here?”

Point taken, Nonna. Wynonna is the spokesbutt for Alli, so that pretty much explains why she has a minor case of the grouches. If you needed to stick a wine cork in your asshole so it would stop leaking runny shit all the time, you would act the same way. Alli effs you up. Look at Nonna! The Alli-induced poo isn't content on just leaking out of her b-hole anymore. It's also starting to seep out of her pores.

While you take a moment to glance through these pictures of Taylor, Nonna and her absolutely breathtaking mother Naomi at last night's awards, I'm going to go and adjust the wine cork in my no-no.

Miss Tits4Jesus herself, Carrie Prejean, ventured into Larry King's crypt last night to talk about her book and to tell him how inappropriate he is. Yes, Carrie thought Larry was very inappropriate for asking her simple questions about her settlement agreement with Miss California and that little solo fuck tape she made a couple of years ago. Carrie was not amused and attempted to storm off, but failed miserably at it.

There's many reasons why Carrie needs a gay in her life, but her STORM OFF FAIL really got to me. If she had a main gay by her side, he would have taught her how to storm off properly thanks to Dynasty and other prime-time soap operas. Carrie just needed to look into the camera and calmly say, "LARRY KING (dramatic pause) I will destroy YOUR (dramatic pause) LIFE." Then she should have flipped her, whipped off her mic in one easy swoop, gracefully slid out of her chair, hiked up her titties, thrown one last shank eye into the camera and then strutted off like there's a hard 9-inch peen waiting for her in the wings. END SCENE.

You don't fumble with your mic and awkwardly sit there with a smile like a polite 4-year-old waiting for a juice box. Embarrassing! DO IT BIG, or don't do it all. How dreadful.

And Larry King's snappy satin suspenders gave me FEVER. Maybe that's the real reason why Carrie tried to bounce out of there. She just couldn't handle the heat radiating off of Larry's sexy suspenders.

JLo has farted all over her first ex-husband's big dream of having a real life after her (his words). Ojani Noa was planning to turn an 11-hour honeymoon tape he made with JLo back in the day into a mockumentary, but a judge has put a stop sign in front of his plans.

JLo's team of attorneys and Ojani, who represented himself, faced off in court yesterday to battle over the tape which includes footage of JLo waltzing around in panties and getting spanked. The judge ruled in favor of JLo and granted her a temporary restraining order banning any parts of the tape from seeing anyone else's eyeballs.

Outside of the court, Ojani told the NYDN he was sad. Ojani blamed JLo for RUINING HIS LIFE and keeping him down. Ojani cried, "She is destroying my life. This is another proof of her power and money trying to stop me from moving on with my life. I'm not making any money from these videos. This is about having a closure. It's my story."

The movie was going to be about Ojani's life as a Cuban immigrant. Ojani and the producers were going to use the tape as inspiration and weren't planning to sell it.

This isn't Ojani's first time getting shut down by JLo. Two years ago, JLo stopped him from releasing a tell-all book.

Ojani also believes he got shafted in their divorce settlement since JLo hired a bunk ass attorney to represent him, "I don't really believe in my (2005) agreement. My lawyer wasn't a real lawyer, he went to jail."

It sounds to me like Ojani is angry and confused. You know what's the best medicine for that? Ojani needs to put on some early Alanis Morrissette, heat up the tip on a pair of tweezers on the stove top, get in front of a mirror, take a deep breath and PLUCK AWAY ALL HIS FRUSTRATIONS! Ojani needs to pretend each one of those hairs is JLo and just pluck her out of his life! Maybe he will still feel like shit afterwards, but at least he won't have two furry landing strips over his eyes anymore.

Look at your window right now. If the streets are littered with heads covered with Urban Decay make-up and Manic Panic, it's because Twitards are exploding over this picture of RPattz and Kristen Stewart touching hands in Paris. The stock for cookie dough will touch the heavens tomorrow, because the Twitards that didn't lose their heads will drown their sorrows in all of Aniston's favorites.

Anyway, here's the those two fancy homeless people at the airport and also leaving their hotel in Paris tonight. Obviously, them touching jack-off hands means that they are secretly married and she's pregnant with their sparkly vampire spawn who is slowly eating her insides. I swear I didn't read the books. Don't you dare accuse me of that!

But seriously, we all know this is just a publicity stunt. RPattz obviously feels the heat in his loins for the Twihard in the sixth thumbnail below.

Prison baby Leighton Meester of Gossip Girl is the latest actress trying to conquer the music charts. Don't you know that record executives won't even think about giving you a deal unless you've got at least 5 IMDB credits to your name?

Here's Leighton's shiny new video for "Somebody to Love" (Jefferson Airplane just crashed) featuring Alan Thicke's baby boy Robin. The video is pretty basic. It features Leighton doing ho stuff in a rent-a-limo, ho stuff on a restaurant banquette (pretend it's Black Angus), ho stuff in an elevator and ho stuff on sheer curtains. This is kind of how you spend your Saturday night. Well, instead of doing ho stuff in a limo, you do ho stuff in a pedicab. And instead of doing ho stuff on a restaurant banquette, you do ho stuff while waiting in line at White Castle. You get the picture.

I know this song may cause your ear holes to reach for the meth, but any song that will become a favorite at strip clubs everywhere is fine by me. This song is definitely going double condom wrapper.

On the left is Sammy Sosa at an event back in December of last year. On the right is the same person at the Latin Grammy Awards in Las Vegas on Wednesday night. THE FUCK is right!

Sammy must have an explanation that makes some kind of sense. Either: a) This is Sammy's idea of a Michael Jackson tribute. b) Sammy was attacked by a zombie and is well on his way to becoming one of them. c) Sammy has a skin condition. d) Sammy has straight-up lost his mind.

I'm tempted to go with D, because that explains why his eyes also look like they've been doused in bleach. I CAN'T!

You be the judge and the jury! Below are pictures of Sammy and his wife (who looks like a Khloe Kardashian/Gloria Estefan hybrid) at the Latin Grammys this past week. I also threw in some pictures of darker Sammy at a People event this past May.

A man named Chidi Uzomah was arrested at the E! building in Los Angeles this morning after he showed up asking for Ryan Seacrest. Security recognized Chidi as a known Seacrest-stalker and immediately called the police. It was game over for Chidi after that.

Last month, Chidi was sentenced to three months probation and was ordered to stay away from Gaycrest after he pleaded guilty to attacking one of Ryan's bodyguards outside of a charity event in Orange County, CA. When Chidi was searched today, the cops found a knife on him and a personal check from Joel McHale. I made up that last up.

Maybe Chidi thinks Ryan will lead him to a big pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Somebody should tell Chidi he has the wrong bitch. And Chidi's family was unavailable for comment because they were too busy bawling on the floor out of embarrassment.

Source: E! Online

In an interview with Extra (via UsWeekly), Jessica Simpson sounds like a generic eHarmony ad when talking about what she's looking for in a man. If I was her, I'd say I was looking for one that wouldn't leave my vag cold the day before my birthday, but Jessica is aiming high.

If you've ever wanted to win an open mic comedy night, just read this quote from Jessica word for word and you'll be rewarded with a hurricane of queefs, laughs and drink tickets. Now let's hand over the mic to Little Miss Chicken of the Sea:

"I don't want to get bored. I can bore out pretty easily, so I love intellectual men ... people that will always keep me intrigued. I definitely love a spiritual man -- somebody that is going to always inspire me. And, you know, I love artistic men -- somebody that really understands their art."

This is the true meaning of: TOO EASY. I mean, if Jessica gets bored easily, she can always try to spell "intellectual" in her own head. That will keep her busy for a few hours at least.

So if you can past the following test, ring up Joe Simpson and schedule a date with Jessica!

Intellectual: You must be able to write your own name in cursive without the help of a grown-up. Don't worry about writing your last name. Jessica asked for an "intellectual," not a genius!

Spiritual: Can sit through Oh, God! without getting distracted by a ball of yarn in the corner.

Artistic: Four words: Color By Numbers Graduate.