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Courtney Love must have been reading White Oprah's "What Makes A Good Mother," because she believes that she's a regular June Cleaver. Courtney recently said this to Spinner (via Page Six), "As a little dainty, beautiful baby I just worshipped her, but now she's at an age where we fight, where sometimes she hates me, sometimes I get really mad at her. It's like, 'Oh you must be a bad mother,' No, I'm not a bad mother. I'm a very good mother"

Yeah, because nothing says "Mother of the Year" like a restraining order wrapped up with a Christmas bow on top.

And yesterday, TMZ posted another glittery item on Courtney's good mom resume. Apparently, lawyers in the custody case between Court and 17-year-old Frances Bean asked a judge to seal documents about domestic abuse allegations. The documents state, "In this proceeding, every document reveals details of Frances's (sic) relationship with her mother." They also want Frances' medical records sealed shut.

We don't know the details about these alleged abuse allegations, but I don't like where this is heading. It's like the soup kitchen version of Mommie Dearest. Even if Courtney didn't Joan Crawford Frances Bean, living with her crazy ass full-time would cause anyone to commit an act of domestic abuse on themselves! Just reading Court's Facebook rants makes me want to punch myself in the eyeball.

Ginges are having the worst month EVER! First they were kicked repeatedly on "Kick a Ginger Day," then they were kicked on a Christmas card in Britain, and now they might be kicked off of late-night. Rojo Caliente is madder than fish grease!

Popeater claims that NBC is thinking about escorting Conan O'Brien to the nearest exit, because since he took over The Tonight Show the ratings have gone down faster than Gay Al at a glory hole.

Once source says that NBC thinks that one of their golden child of the 90s, Jerry Seinfeld, could bring the ratings back up. The source added, "NBC just can't carry on like this. 'The Tonight Show' has lost 52 percent of its viewership in just one year. The November ratings will be the show's lowest in 15 years. They would be idiots to not be having the replacement conversation."

Didn't Conan just take over from Leno two quick seconds ago (real talk: Conan took over in June)? Of course the ratings are going to be down since most of Leno's fanoldies grabbed their walkers and hobbled on over to 10pm. NBC needs to give Conan a little more time to work that shit out. When a bitch isn't dicking you the right way the first time, you just don't send him back to the Craigslist Casual Encounters section. No, you give him at least one more chance to make your genitals hum.

But if they are going to pink slip Conan's ass, can they wait until after the holidays? Seeing a sad ginge clown would totally destroy my Christmas.

Peaches Geldof, the socialtard daughter of Bob Geldof, was on her way to Disneyland in CA yesterday when the driver of the car she was riding in lost control and crashed that shit. Everyone in the car lived to Tweet the tale.

Actually, just a few minutes before the crash Peaches took to her Twitter to joke about how she felt like she was in Grand Theft Auto because she was speeding down the freeway with her IDGAF ("I Don't Give A Fuck") crew. The IDGAF crew is like the special needs version of Big Brother's Chilltown alliance.

That Peaches is such a hardcore bad ass motherfucker hipster. It's a shame that she has the name of an elderly Maltese who can't control its bowels anymore.

I'll let Peaches' Tweets tell the rest of the story. You might want to put a helmet on so you don't suffer brain injuries while banging your head on the table. Don't end up like Peaches did naturally.

Speeding like I have never, ever witnessed before on the freeway courtesy of @thedeathqueen -feel like I'm in a scary car chase video game..
about 20 hours ago from UberTwitter

Just actually experienced a full on car carsh with the IDGAF crew. Wow, I guess we really don't GAF.
about 20 hours ago from UberTwitter

@thedeathqueenonthecrash "I was just trying to get us all to Disney on fucking time! My creeper slipped on the pedals! Its not my fault!"
about 20 hours ago from UberTwitter

Honestly can't believe were alive after that. And that the front of the car is totally fucked up and yet were still carrying on to Disney!?
about 20 hours ago from UberTwitter

My last memories if we had all died following the epic crash- reading the nme, then screaming clinging to @ajtweets what a way to go...
about 20 hours ago from UberTwitter

Can't believe "Dead Mans Party" was playing during that.
about 20 hours ago from UberTwitter

And she also Tweeted a picture of the aftermath. That's probably what the inside of my head looks like after reading this shit. Now, I think I'll go bash a peach until it turns to mush. It's for breakfast!

This pretty much confirms that Jennifer Aniston's agent is actually Maddox in disguise, because she is in talks to star in yet another romantic comedy that makes it so much easier for all of us to joke about her lonely miserable spinster ways. And what's even worse is that she's done this all before.

The Hollywood Reporter says that Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler are circling around a project called The Pretend Wife. They are hoping to release this wreck on February 11, 2011. The script "is currently under wraps," but after a 2-second Google search I think I may have found the plot. This is the synopsis from a novel with the same name which was released this past June:

For Gwen Merchant, love has always been doled out in little packets—from her father, a marine biologist who buried himself in work after her mother’s death; and from her husband, Peter, who’s always been respectable and safe. But when an old college boyfriend, the irrepressible Elliot Hull, invites himself back into Gwen’s life, she starts to remember a time when love was an ocean.

What does Elliot want? In fact, he has a rather surprising proposition: he wants Gwen to become his wife. His pretend wife. Just for a few days. To accompany him to his family’s lake house for the weekend so that he can fulfill his dying mother’s last wish. Reluctantly Gwen agrees to play along—with her husband Peter’s full support. It’s just one weekend—what harm could come of it?

But as Gwen is drawn into Elliot’s quirky, wonderful family—his astonishingly wise and open mother, his warm and welcoming sister, and his adorable, precocious niece—she starts questioning everything she’s ever expected from love. And as she begins to uncover a few secrets about her own family, it suddenly looks like a pretend relationship just might turn out to be the most real thing she’s ever known.

A barf covered Valentine candy heart. Someone needs to tap Jennifer's culo with the poster from PICTURE PERFECT! The Pretend Wife is Picture Perfect's long-lost conjoined twin. And this is almost like Adam Sandler's I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry but with an extra vagina.

And Jennifer's Brad Pitt real groom doll is probably thinking to itself, "Now this bitch will know how I feel."

235-year-old Ronnie Wood (no relation to Tiger) of the Rolling Stones was arrested in London last night after he was accused of beating on his 20-year-old girlfriend Ekaterina Ivanova. CHILD ABUSE!

Ronnie's rep confirmed that he was arrested, but wouldn't say anything else. A police spokesperson released this statement to the BBC: "We can confirm that a 62-year-old man was arrested on suspicion of assault in connection with a domestic incident."

He has reportedly been released on bail and will have to answer to the charges in court next month.

Ronnie and Ekaterina started sharing diapers about a year ago when he was still married to his wife of 25 years. Ronnie left his wife for Ekaterina and the two have been shacking up ever since.

Ronnie is getting too old for all of this. Pepaw should be sitting comfortably in a rocking chair, sipping on his hot cider and catching up on his stories on TV. Ronnie should not be throwing babies around like he's Mo'Nique in Precious. He will not get an Oscar for that. Ronnie, let go of the baby, grab the bong and simmer down. You might break a hip or something.

Sad Ojani Noa is sad, because a judge has once again shat on his plans to use an 11-hour "sexy tape" he made with his ex-wife JLo for a mockumentary about his life. The judge officially blocked Ojani from releasing the tape and said he will go to jail if he releases even a second of it. JLo's lawyers will return to court to make the injunction permanent.

After the judge dick slapped him in the face again, Ojani Noa shuffled out of the courtroom with his thumb in his ass and tears on his sasquatch brows. Ojani cried to the reporters outside of the court house, "They're trying to stop me from making my documentary and I'm fighting for my rights. They're not being fair. It's not about the money. It's about my life." Ojani says he plans to continue with his $100 million against JLo. In the meantime....

Ojani whipped out a calendar he made using the second best disposable camera on the market and the finest paper Kinko offers. Apparently, he's going to try to sell that shit next week. Unfortunately, the proceeds will not go towards the "Get This Hairy Bitch Some Hot Tweezers Fund." Ojani is selling it, because his checking account has flatlined.

Tareq and Michaele Salahi, the White House party crashers, went on Today this morning to extend their 15 seconds of fame (and I'm falling for it). The Salahis are in talks to join the cast of The Real Housewives of DC, which is on Bravo. Bravo and NBC are brother and sister. Today is on NBC. You do the math.

Even though both the White House and the Secret Service say the Salahis were not invited to last week's state dinner, they claim they were. Michaele then said a bunch of things that she really should have saved for amateur comedy night. Michaele said that the accusations of them being party crashers has destroyed everything they've worked so hard for (HA!) and that their homes have been invaded by the media (HA! HA!). Michaele continued to whine that they have been misrepresented by paparazzi forums (HA! HA! HA!). And finally, she promised that the truth will definitely come out (PRIZE WINNING JOKE AT THE APOLLO!).

Tareq and Michaele are providing documents and e-mails to the Secret Service and are confident that their names will be cleared.

I hope that Bravo's cameras are rolling when Michaele hands the Secret Service an e-mail from an exiled Nigerian prince promising them an invitation to the state dinner in exchange for $10,000US.

And Ken Paves should've crashed this interview to moisturize that bitch's thirstay weave.

Dreamboat Doherty was forced to cancel a few gigs last month, because he was in the hospital for "exhaustion" and "breathing difficulties." Well, it seems that his heart was the bitch who had the tireds in a major way, because it grabbed a body pillow and took a long nap!

Dreamy tells NME (via The Sun) that his heart stopped beating and he had to be put on life support. You're probably peeling yourself off the floor right now after reading that Dreamy still has a semi-working heart. Yeah, we all figured his heart busted out of there a while ago and is sunning its ass cheeks on a beach in Thailand somewhere.

Dreamy explained, "If I hadn't been on a life support machine I'd have been in Ireland. But my heart stopped. It was a really strange turn of events. Obviously, the doctors' immediate thought was that it was to do with drugs but it wasn't - it was some kind of poisoning.

What happened? Well, I don't know, I don't remember. At the time I thought I was a taxi driver offering to take everyone to Elephant And Castle. I was running into the walls, making steering wheel signs with my hands. And then I just... stopped. My body just stopped.

I've always had a slight dickie heart, I was born with it. I'm fragile in there, you know?"

A DICKIE HEART?!!!? Is it hung? Does it pre-cum alot? Give it my number. It can find it in any stall at any men's rest stop bathroom from here to Gibraltar.

Dreamy swears he's not on the wrong stuff, but that "running into the walls" and "making steering wheel signs" behavior is shit my mom's cat does all the time. And that cat hits the pipe like it's part of his religion. But whatever you fart, Dreamy.

And really, it's okay to admit that the picture of Dreamy gave you the drips a little. Yes, the drips are probably your body's way of cleansing itself of seeing Dreamy in all his gory, but you still got the drips!

In case you're just joining us, you should know that Aerosmith is a wreck. And if you ask the band, most of them will say that the thorn in all of their colostomy bags is Steven Tyler (aka Motherfucker, The Rainbow).

Joe Perry already said that Aerosmith plans to go on with the show without Steven Tyler. But last week, Steven crashed one of Joe's concert and declared that he wasn't going anywhere. Well, Joe and the rest of the pepaws think Steven should go far away. Preferably to a little place where they make you talk about your emotions while drinking black coffee. Basically, they think he needs rehab.

Joey Kramer, the band's drummer, told People, "I think that he needs help and that attention needs to be put to his health. He's got some bad influences in his life right now and he's making poor choices." Joey hinted that he thinks Steven is on that narcotic again.

Aerosmith's guitarist Brad Whitford added, "His behavior is spinning out of control. I don't know where he is and what he's doing."

Steven's spokeswhore said that they don't need to worry about The Rainbow! He's simply taking some time off from the band to record his solo album, work on a book and smoke up a lot of heroin. I made that last part up! The Rainbow claims he's as sober as a baby bunny. Actually, I don't know how sober baby bunnies are. Those bitches are always winking and jumping around like a crackhead at midnight. They got that junkie twitch. Hmm...I wonder what's in their food? Now I know what I'm going to put in my bong this weekend.

Personally, I think Steven is just one of those natural crackheads. You know, those hos who act strung out, but aren't. They are primarily known as "Born-Again Christians."

But the pepaws of Aerosmith know Steven better than we do, so if they think he needs to marinate in the tank for a few, then I'll take their word for it. However, they shouldn't even entertain the idea of replacing Steven! THE RAINBOW is Aerosmith.

A police officer in Arkansas was suspended with pay after he tasered a 10-year-old girl who was throwing a fit on the floor. The officer was not suspended for electrocuting the girl. He was suspended because he did not have a camera with him to record the incident. The police department was probably pissed about the camera thing, because they figured footage like that would've won them first place on America's Funniest Home Videos. Ugh.

It all started when the 10-year-old refused to take a shower and go to bed. The girl did what most 10-year-olds do when they don't get their way - she threw a fit. Most good mothers would give the girl a cocktail or a bong to calm her down. But this dumb ass mother called the police.

When Officer Dustin Bradshaw showed up to the home, he found the girl (who is 4'6" and weighs 65 pounds) screaming and kicking. According to the police report, the mother told Officer Dustin that he could tase her if he needed to. Officer Bradshaw wrote in the report that he tried to get the girl to stop by telling her she was going to jail, but homegirl was not scared. She is obviously a proud graduate of Latarian Milton's University of Hood Rat Stuff.

Officer Dustin stepped up his game and tried to handcuff the girl. She fought with him and ended up kicking him in the nuts. That's when Officer Dustin said he "lightly stunned" her in the back. The girl stopped fighting and Officer Dustin was able to handcuff her. She wouldn't walk, so he had to carry her to the police car. She was then transported to a youth shelter.

The police chief pretty much stood by his officer's decision. He said that the girl will be charged with disorderly conduct and the officer won't face additional disciplinary action.

The girl's father however wants the Arkansas State Police to investigate the incident. If they won't, he's going to ask the FBI for help. He said, "My daughter does not deserve to be tased and be treated like an animal."

Everyone is going CRAZY! Babies are getting slapped by strange pepaws at Wal-Mart! Kids are getting maced by drag queens on the subway! And now little girls are getting tasered by police officers while their mothers shake their heads in approval. What the hell is next? We shouldn't be surprised if we hear about a kindergarten teacher engaging in a shoot out with her students on the playground.

Sources: Fox News and TSG