Do You Need A Moment?
Dr. Drew is used to dealing with dozed off drunks who are trying to force themselves into a long coma to get away from having words with him, but he was unable to tame Honey Boo Boo Chile. Little Debbie's second cousin twice removed at the baked goods auction went on Dr. Drew's show with the ten buckets of fried fun that is Mama June and she wasn't having any of it. When Dr. Drew started asking her questions, Honey Boo Boo did what everybody should do when Dr. Drew starts asking you questions: PLAY DEAD! But eventually, Honey Boo Boo woke up and said that she hates being on TV and hates it when fans come up to her.
So let's see, Honey Boo Boo doesn't like interviews and hates her fans? The hillbilly Kristen Stewart has been found!
And I'm still waiting for Dr. Drew to issue a statement saying that Honey Boo Boo is obviously hooked on ludes and he'll be happy to help her on the new season of Celebrity Rehab coming to Vh1 next Spring!
I don't even want to know if that's a semi-automatic butt baton in Chevy Chase's hand. But judging by that outfit he's wearing....
Everybody on the set of Community was sent home early yesterday after Chevy Chase threw another one of his signature rants. Even though Chevy's arch rival Dan Harmon was put on the curb a long time ago, Clark Griswold is still not happy about the way things are going on Community. TVLine says that while shooting a scene with his cast mates including Donald Glover and Yvette Nicole Brown, Chevy nearly blew his nipples off while screaming about how his character has gone from bigot to BIGOT with a capital everything. Chevy didn't like some of the words on the page and dropped the n-word from his tongue during his rant. Deadline has a few more details about this mess:
After getting fed more lines he found offensive during a scene yesterday, I hear he snapped and launched the tirade, airing his frustration and suggesting that the way things with Pierce are going, he may next be asked to call Troy (Glover) or Shirley (Brown) the N-Word. I hear the outburst upset the cast. Chase later apologized. The racial content of his tirade does appear out of character for Chase, who once marched in the civil rights movement, but the blowup itself is not. Chase is known for having a short fuse and storming off the set of Community in the middle of a scene if he is not happy with the script.
Meanwhile, the writers and producers of Community made a mental note to themselves: "If we really want to get rid of Chevy Chase by making him explode out of the ceiling of the studio, make his character say the n-word while wearing an 'I Heart Dan Harmon' crop top tank."
Never mess with a rock star who still looks like a Joan Jett rag doll made of t-shirts from Hot Topic, because he will burn the place down with the fuck bombs launching out of his mouth.
During Green Day's set at the iHeartRadio Music Festival in Las Vegas last night, the timer in front of the band let them know that they only had 1 minute left, because Usher went 25 minutes over. Billie Joe Armstrong was not having any of it. Bille Joe stopped everything to give the performance of Green Day's career. Billie Joe busted into a hilarious freak out where he yelled at the organizers for disrespecting a dude who has been in the game for over 20 years. I kept waiting for someone to hand BJ a dirty martini and for him to lean against a grand piano and slur out shit like, "Your know what your problem is! You have some nerve! It's the pictures that got small! Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my -godfuckingdamnit, that guitar is looking at me funny. I'll show you, guitar!"
Billie Joe got so mad that I'm sure the hairs on his b-hole stood up like some of the hairs on his head. Bitch went off and I love every millisecond of this dramatic cunt meltdown from the first "fuck" that comes out of his mouth to the last one. I even loved that it almost took him 10 minutes to destroy his guitar. PUNK! ROCK! If that guitar had eyes, it would be rolling them. It was taking so long for BJ to put a dent in that guitar, so it finally took pity on him and broke itself.
And Billie Joe's eyeliner stayed immaculate during this entire bitch fest. A true DIVA!
Here's some hos who got to witness Billie Joe's "We're fucking done professionally!" rant live last night. In order: Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato, the second hardest bitches there, the hardest bitch there, Usher, No Doubt, Kathy Griffin, Ryan Lochte (looking like a 2nd grader circa 1983 wearing a homemade Thriller costume) and Colton Haynes.
It took the cops putting Amanda Bynes' BMW in outdoor car jail, but she finally got the hint and has temporarily retired from handling the driver wheel. Even though Jesus (that was the cab driver's name) took the wheel, the other Jesus needs to take the wheel that steers Amanda's life. That's what TMZ is trying to say anyway.
Amanda showed up to a store called Kin in West Hollywood yesterday and picked out a few clothes to try on before locking herself in the dressing room for almost 2 hours. Every 10 minutes or so, the store's employees would hear a bang coming from the dressing room. They'd ask Amanda if she was okay and she'd shout back with, "I need more time!" Amanda finally came out, paid for some stuff and right after she walked out the door, she realized she was still wearing a bathing suit she didn't buy. Amanda went back into the store, paid for it and asked one of the employees to call her a cab. The cab took Amanda to a Starbucks where she spent 3 hours talking on her phone and listening to music. An SUV picked her up and took her back home.
Staying at Starbucks for 3 hours isn't that weird, because whenever I go into one there's always someone there who treats the place like their office. They are there all day. They've got a gold plate with their name on it on the table and they throw you stank looks like you're interrupting them. When you try to sit at a table next to theirs, they tell you that's their waiting room and then they ask you if you have an appointment. Crazy bitches. So that part isn't that weird to me, but the dressing room thing.....
What in the hell was she doing in there for 2 hours? Did she re-enact the first part of Gone with the Wind with a clothes hanger (the clothes hanger played Rhett, obviously)? Did she fap herself raw with a security tag for 2 hours? Is Amanda Bynes really a criminal mastermind and behind the dressing room mirror, she's digging a tunnel that leads directly to the vault in the bank next door? Is the portal to Narnia in there?
Or maybe this is all part of the Nickelodeon vs. Disney war and Amanda is getting back at LiLo. Amanda is digging a tunnel from Kin to the Super 8 in Hollywood (aka the only motel that will take LiLo in) and she plans to hide clothes from Kin in LiLo's room before calling in an anonymous thieving tip to the police. That must be it. Mandy's gonna get you, LiLo!
Amanda Bynes' neighbors are collectively throwing an army of side-eyes at the media for painting her as nothing but a spoiled dumb stoner, because they think she has serious mental problems. Like "5150 this ho and get Daddy Spears to make her some Velveeta grits" kind of mental problems.
One of Amanda's neighbors tells TMZ that he once watched her have a serious conversation with an inanimate object and other neighbors have seen her talking to no one. They haven't told the authorities or her family or anything, because they don't want to get involved. Besides, when you go to the authorities and tell them Amanda is acting crazy, they won't give you a money order made out to cash, so it's better just to go to TMZ.
Some people who work out next to Amanda at the Equinox in West Hollywood also say that she regularly brings the crazy. Amanda always looks dazed, has conversations with herself, laughs for no reason and they say she's getting worse and worse.
Yes, Amanda could be in need of a 5150, but it could also be nothing. If you asked my neighbors about me, they'd probably say that I'm crazy with invisible friends and I regularly talk to myself in the hallways and the only visits I get are from the Fresh Direct delivery people and some dude with a bulging backpack that smells like Irish Spring and cheap cologne (that's my weed man). I mean, I talk to myself all the time. I know all of my posts read like I just barfed out the words in 10 seconds, but sometimes I put some serious thought into this shit. Finding different ways to describe the journey of a fart is hard work. So sometimes when I'm walking my dog, I'll write the post in my head and then say it out loud to myself. I'm sure many people who have witnessed me talking to myself have called Bellevue to tell them that one of their patients escaped to Brooklyn. "You better come quick and you better bring a tranquilizer gun, because it looks like he's taken a little black dog hostage" is what they say to the operator at Bellevue.
What I'm saying is that Amanda and I should share a room at Bellevue, because we're both fucking nuts.
Or this could really, really be nothing. Maybe Amanda's just talking into her Bluetooth headset? Because talking into a Bluetooth headset makes everyone look like a schizophrenic.
It happened again, it will happen tomorrow and it will keep happening until the City of Los Angeles does something about it. Amanda Bynes is a white celebrity girl, so they'll never stop her, but the City of Los Angeles will eventually ban driving for everyone else and just let Amanda go wild and crash into shit all day. It's like the second coming of Billy Joel's Crashing Into A Home Near You tour.
The DMV already figuratively put Amanda's drivers license through the shredder and a judge in L.A. co-signed the suspension by ordering her to step away from the drivers wheel and step toward the bus stop. But when you say something to Amanda Bynes, it goes in one ear and dissolves in the thick cloud of weed smoke and stupidity in her head, so she took her death machine for another ride last night. As Amanda left a parking lot in West Hollywood late last night, TMZ's camera people ran up to her car window and flashed in her face, which made her put on her favorite driving mask (aka a Mexican blanket she bought from a border vendor in Tijuana). They followed her car out onto the street and kept taking pictures of her as she got behind a white BMW. Because the only bright light a stoner likes in their face is the blinding fluorescent lighting shooting out of a Taco Bell drive-thru window, Amanda kept covering her face with a blanket and eventually hit the gas and hit the white BMW in front of her.
It's the paps' fault too for not shooting her tires out while they had the chance, but Amanda is as crazy as she is dumb for insisting on driving all the time. My guess is that bitch still has Nickelodeon money coming in, so she never has to leave her condo. Amanda can tell her dealer to pick up a Taco Bell party pack on his way to bring her some good shit, and then she can spend the rest of the day tokin' and taco-in'! If she wants to feed her crash fetish, she can just tap at her coochie while playing Grand Theft Auto. That is really living the life. Going outside is overrated and driving is really overrated. Bitch is crazy.
The bad news is that Randy Travis is still disturbing the peace with his drunken acts of sad country song fuckery. The good news is that this time, Randy Travis didn't rub his butt sweat all over the backseat of a cop car. The other bad news is that Randy Travis' latest boozed up date with the cops didn't end with him walking away with a fresh pair of paper pants. Getting busted by the cops isn't so bad when you get a pair of paper pants out of it.
Randy Travisty was put in handcuffs earlier this year after he was caught high on the sweet nectar in front of a church near his house, and a little over two weeks ago he was busted for drunkenly crashing his car before taking all his panties off in public. TMZ says that Randy earned the latest jewel on his record at around 1 this morning when the police were called to a church parking lot in Plano, TX, because Randy and some other dude were scrappin' over a woman.
An officer tells People that the woman is apparently Randy's latest girlfriend and she was arguing with her estranged husband in the church parking lot. Being the drunken Captain Save A Ho that he is, Randy threw himself into the ring to defend his piece and started throwing fists at the husband. TMZ says that the husband must've delivered a serious WHOOP THAT TRICK citation on Randy's ass, because he was taken to the hospital to get his war wounds treated. But the officer tells People that Randy never went to the hospital and that he didn't seem drunk at the time. Randy was cited with simple assault and there were zero arrests.
First of all, if Randy wasn't drunk at 1 this morning, then neither was I (I was). Second of all, what is it with Randy getting messy on God's front lawn. The father, the son or the holy ghost need to turn a garden hose on his ridiculous ass next time. Why were the three of them fighting in the middle of a church parking lot, anyway? The only reasonable explanation for fighting in a church parking lot is if you're in a drug deal gone wrong, a threesome hook-up gone wrong or you all brought the same dish to the church bake sale.
We're all laughing at Randy's ass now, but watch in two year's time, Rebecca Black and Carly Rae Jepsen will be saying the words, "And the Grammy for Best Song goes to 'I Tore My Paper Pants In A Parking Lot Brawl' by Randy Travis!"
Last we left drunken mess Randy Travis, he was arrested for living out a sad country song by drowning his sorrows with cups of the sweet nectar while parked in front of a baptist church near his house in Texas. Not much has changed since then. Randy is still spreading the foolery, is still out being a public drunk and is still getting arrested for his dumb bitch antics, but this time he's taken shit to a whole new level by taking off his panties for the cops.
While some of us were in dreamland, leaping across clouds made of Randy Travis' ex-wife's hair, his liquored up ass was on the side of a Texas road, yelling at the cops with his drunk peen hanging out. TMZ says that shortly after Randy crashed his 1998 Pontiac Trans Am into several construction zone barricades, the cops showed up and found him butt lips naked. Since Randy always has to give TMZ something to write about, he refused to take a breathalyzer. I will really be disappointed with Randy if he didn't grab each one of his butt cheeks, spread 'em wide and tell the cop to shove the breathalyzer up in there. You really haven't lived until you've blown a breathalyzer with your butt hole.
Randy was arrested immediately and thrown into the backseat of the trooper's car. As Randy's ass left sweat stains on the trooper's backseat, he threatened to shoot at all the officers who arrested him. It's unknown if Randy threatened to shoot them with a gun or shoot them with the possibly loaded weapon hanging off of his crotch. The cops weren't going to take any chances and were not about to get hit with a whiskey-infused jizz bullet shooting out of Randy's peen, so when they got to the station they covered him up with a t-shirt and some paper pants. Randy then threw Blue Steel eyes at the mug shot camera to try to distract us from all the face scratches and bruises he got in the crash. Randy was charged with DWI and for threatening an officer.
Okay, so Randy was as nekkid as nekkid can and threatened to shoot up all those cops, and he all he got was a pair of paper pants and a few charges? If that you or me, the cops would've tased us straight in the culo until our genitals started coughing up black smoke. But yet Randy gets paper pants. I want paper pants!
I guess driving like a mess while fully clothed is totally yesterday. The new thing is driving like a mess while your nipples are kissing air. Let's hope that Lindsay Lohan doesn't start following this new trend.
If you were hoping that during the Spice Girls' performance at the Olympics closing ceremony on Sunday night, Morrissey and The Queen will come out holding hands to shake their titties around Posh Spice, I've got news for you, it's not going to happen. Morrissey is still a lump of glum and he would rather have a threesome with Diana Ross and Steve Wonder in China than spend another minute putting his eyes on the Olympic coverage. Morrissey went on his site and rage typed out a long rant on the Olympics even though he totally doesn't watch the Olympics. Since this Morrissey we're talking about, he obviously threw in a Nazi reference.
And, yet! I am unable to watch the Olympics due to the blustering jingoism that drenches the event. Has England ever been quite so foul with patriotism? The "dazzling royals" have, quite naturally, hi-jacked the Olympics for their own empirical needs, and no oppositional voice is allowed in the free press. It is lethal to witness. As London is suddenly promoted as a super-wealth brand, the England outside London shivers beneath cutbacks, tight circumstances and economic disasters. Meanwhile the British media present 24-hour coverage of the "dazzling royals", laughing as they lavishly spend, as if such coverage is certain to make British society feel fully whole. In 2012, the British public is evidently assumed to be undersized pigmies, scarcely able to formulate thought.
As I recently drove through Greece I noticed repeated graffiti seemingly everywhere on every available wall. In large blue letters it said WAKE UP WAKE UP. It could almost have been written with the British public in mind, because although the spirit of 1939 Germany now pervades throughout media-brand Britain, the 2013 grotesque inevitability of Lord and Lady Beckham (with Sir Jamie Horrible close at heel) is, believe me, a fate worse than life. WAKE UP WAKE UP.
I don't know why, but to me "jingoism" sounds like a condition when a dude's jizz is so coagulated that it won't come out of his peen hole.
Morrissey is telling lies, he's telling lies! That human black cloud is hooked on the Olympics. I can tell. You know how when you watch porn, you keep a browser tab (with Masterpiece Theater on it, obviously) open in case somebody walks in on you? You quickly click over to Masterpiece Theater so it looks like you're just getting cultured instead of getting off. Morrissey does the opposite of that. Morrissey watches the Olympics and keeps a browser tab (with porn on it) open in case somebody walks in on him. And when Morrissey lets out a wall-shaking groan at the sight of the "dazzling royals" at the Olympics, he can just say that the porn he was watching was so hot that it made him cum through his mouth. Morrissey can't fool me.
And here's the "dazzling royals" smiling extra for Morrissey at some Olympic events yesterday.
I was going to say that Nutty Madam gives me life, but then I realized that YAAASSSS-ing at this video means I officially have no life and am not capable of ever getting one. And this right here needs to play on a loop in the waiting room of every mental hospital's Twihard Ward.