Do You Need A Moment?

Sometimes it's really the little things in life, or in this case the little circumcised HARD things. CallUsFreaks (via ONTD) posted this priceless picture of Joe Jonas getting closer to a fertility statute in the duty free shop of some airport while Ashley Greene was outside trying to flag down a few paps, or something. You know, when you're walking through a duty free shop and your eyes land on a stone dick, it is your obligation to tickle its nuts while dry banging your culo with the other hand. It just is, so Joe Jonas is totally following protocol.

And here's a few pictures of Ashley and Joe strolling through LAX yesterday. You know Joe is totally thinking about the duty free fertility statue he shared an intimate moment with. Hey, whatever gets you through a photo-op.

Based on the fact that T.I. keeps getting caught doing illegal shit, you'd think he loves washing his ass crack with state-issued soap around a dozen man fupas and also loves eating all of his meals on a tin plate, but this isn't the case. T.I., who is currently serving an 11-month sentence for violating his probation, ran a cup along the bars of his cell and howled out a "woe woe wooooooe is me" tear-stained soliloquy about how he's sick of being locked up. These are the tears that Tip shed all over his website yesterday:

This experience is truly a pain I have never felt before and that’s saying a lot for a nigga who’s been down locked up as many times as I have. I see this as a real ass whoopin’. The kind you don’t just go back outside to play afterwards. You take ya ass to bed and don’t come out of your room until it’s time to go to school. I don’ t know what effect this will have on my life moving forward but I’m certainly sick and mother fucking tired of going to jail, juve, prison, the pen, correctional facilities or whatever else you want to call it. I’d have been better off doing a 5-10 year bid one time than going in time and time again for days, weeks and months for the last 15 years of my life. Even though it’s been a long road, I’m still standing, barely but nevertheless still standing. At one time I thought my motivation for continuing was for my fans, my partna Philant, my pops, my grandmama, even for the haters or the people I let down. But nah… I got to do this shit for me!!! I’ll be God damned if I’ve come all this way and made it through so much hell to let it go down like this! Fuck that! If an hour in the dark is worth a second in the sun then pass me my mother fuckin’ shades cause I’m ready to cash my darkest hours in…ASAP!!!

A lot of folks had fathers or father figures in the house to raise them into manhood. I’m not trying to make any excuses for my situation but my father was a hustler that lived in New York. My uncle was a local big time dope boy turned 10 year federal inmate. My mother and grandparents did the best they could but I found my manhood in the trap and in prison systems. But I found it. And nan one of mine will ever have to feel the cold tight grip of a handcuff or grace the presence of a jail cell if I can help it. Over my dead body! So if you can’t respect that you ain’t rocking with my movement then Fuck you dog! I know a bunch of mother fuckers who are…..

- Love KING

Here's a basic thought for Tip to moisturize his brain with: STOP DOING THINGS THAT WILL MAKE A COP PERK UP! And once he's done with that, can T.I. tell us more about the "I found my manhood in the trap" part IN DETAIL. Picture boards and other visual aids are welcome.

via Rap-Up

Looking like Shelley Duvall with her favorite probe blocker cap on, Elizabeth Denise Crull of Orlando, FL tells Wesh2 about how she sort of kind of crashed into a school bus filled with karate students (no karate kids were injured).

You know, you could totally make a potent cocktail with her 100 proof saliva, but I'm on her side! It's not bitch's fault. She tried to turn her steering wheel to hit the bus, but it kept jumping around. And then um....she went to hit the break but she ended up stomping on the um...the um.... (excuse me while I sort through the junk drawer in my head) the um... gas pedal instead! The break pedal and the gas pedal totally switched places to fuck with her! FREE DRUNK LIZZY DENNY (no, don't).

via Gawker TV

The ghost of Taylor Momsen's future look, Sebastian Bach, was slipped into a pair of handcuffs first thing this morning at a bar in Toronto after he allegedly murdered a wine glass by throwing it across the room before biting at an employee who was trying to control his rage. Sebastian not only looks like one of the Real Housewives of Orange County without her face paint on, but he fights like one too. I'm into it.

The Toronto Sun says that 42-year-old Sebastian got into a fight with the staff at Riley’s Old Towne Pub. When they told his ass to get out, Sebastian headed for the door with a glass of wine in his hand. They told him he had to leave the wine glass, so he pulled an "If I can't have you, nobody can!" and threw it at the front door. That's when the owner of the bar tried to hold Sebastian down until the cops got there. While the owner hugged Sebastian hard, he got bit in the hand. The cops arrived and found 1.95 grams of weed in Sebastian's pockets. He was charged with with assault, possession of marijuana and mischief. He will face a judge in Toronto sometime today.

All of this foolery could have been avoided if Sebastian politely excused himself from the argument to smoke a little of the good shit in a bathroom stall. Instead of biting into a ho's hand, Sebastian would've wanted to bite into a piece of fried grease at KFC. And trust me, unless you're Vampireina Jolie or pepaw zombie Keef Richards, biting into fried grease is much more delicious than biting into human skin.

While spitting out his declaration in the NEVERDAMNENDING custody battle with his former beautiful little communist Oksana Grigorieva, Mel Gibson said that he never brought his Passion of the Fist on the OctoSana's mouth hole on the night of January 6, 2010. No, he just slapped the hysteria out of her. Okay.

OctoSana claimed that during a battle of words at his house, Mad Mel dipped his fist in holy water and punched the sign of the cross into her face, which broke two of her teefs and caused her to bleed. But according to Mel, blood was never shed and he never put a stanky punch on her face. This is what Mel says happened that night:

1. Mel and OctoSana were in the middle of throwing verbal grenades at each other when she grabbed their Baby Lucia out of the crib and shouted, "Stop yelling or you will make her into a retarded brain damaged idiot!"

2. Then for some reason, OctoSana's crazy ass ran into the backyard with Baby Lucia in her arms. Mel says that OctoSana was running all over the place like a tongue trying to escape his dick. Mel's backyard has more splits and levels than his personality, so he was afraid that OctoSana might fall or slip and injure their baby.

3. When OctoSana ran back inside of the house, she started swinging back and forth. Mel was afraid that she'd scramble their baby's brains with all that swinging, so he slapped the sense into her with an open hand. Mel says, "While I do not believe I handled the situation as well as I should have, I was worried about the rough way Oksana was shaking and tossing Lucia around. My hand never touched any part of Lucia."

Mel says that he didn't make her bleed and he didn't find out until later that he knocked one of her veneers out.

This is basically some "Crazy said, CRAZIER said" shit. Octo claims Mel slapped their baby while he punched her in the face. And Mel claims that Octo whisked Baby Lucia's brain cells by shaking her. So, either way the equation ends the same way: Baby Lucia is every layer of fucked. Hmm. I wonder if Mel's beaver puppet is interested in filing for custody of her?

via TMZ

The BABY!!!! theme continues. Kanye West pounded on the floor of his Twitter page and shook his binky at the Today show producers yesterday after he says they SET HIM UP by showing several video clips during his interview with Matt Lauer. You can read the whole overdramatic aria from a high chair here if you have no idea what I'm talking about.

On Today this morning, they showed Kanye's interview including the parts where he threw a mini tantrum over Matt asking him to look into the video face of Dubya, AND over people talking loudly off camera, AND about the producers showing the infamous VMAs clip. It gets awkwardly good at the 2:45 mark.

It's totally funny watching Kanye huff and puff under his bref. Put a bib on that bitch. It's like witnessing a mother trying to feed her 5-year-old brat a bowl of oatmeal and peaches in the morning. The 5-year-old is like, "NO! Put on cartoons first!" So the mother puts on cartoons. "NO! I don't like that cartoon!" So the mother turns off the cartoon. "NO! I don't like peaches!" So the mom takes out the peaches. "NO! Make the choo choo noise first!"

Matt's time with Kanye would've went much easier if he simply made the CHOO CHOO noise before spoon feeding a question into Gay Fish's mouth. Matt, next time you better make the choo choo noise first.

Guess nobody told Kanye West that the NOISE!!!! is from his MAC BOOK AIR keys wailing in pain as he punches them over and over again with his finger tips during his latest nervous breakdown via a Twatter rant. And I hope nobody tells him, because I love it when Gay Fish gets a case of violent Twitterhea.

This time, Kanye exploded over an interview with Matt Lauer he taped yesterday morning in NYC. Kanye was there to talk about his new album and of course Matt asked him about the George W. Bush thing. As Kanye tried to explain that he believes Dubya is the Shug Avery to his Miss Celie, the Today show producers played the clip of him stomping all over Taylor Swift's dream bubble at the VMAs a couple of years ago.

This twisted Gay Fish's ass lips into a bunch and he vomited out his frustrations in a melodramatic monologue that reads like it came out of the mouth of Norma Desmond as she lay on her velvet fainting couch waiting for Butler Max to bring her smelling salts. The stunt queen extraordinaire never disappoints. Take a walk towards Kanye's "tantrum corner" and read what he blurted out in a series of Tweets:

Man I'm heading to Abu Dhabi finna go to Ferrari Land YESSSS!!! ....But before I take off let me tell you how they did me at the Today show. I went up there to express how I was empathetic to Bush because I labeled him a racist and years later I got labeled as a racist. While I was trying to give the interview they started playing the "MTV" under me with audio!!!!!!! I don't mess with Matt Lauer or the Today Show ... and that's a very nice way for me to put it! HE TRIED TO FORCE MY ANSWERS. IT WAS VERY BRUTAL AND I CAME THERE WITH ONLY POSITIVE INTENT.

I feel very alone very used very tortured very forced very misunderstood very hollow very very misused. I don't trust anyone but myself! Everyone has an agenda. I don't do press anymore. I can't be everything to everybody anymore. I can't be everybody's hero and villain savior and sinner Christian and anti Christ! I can't take anymore advice!!! I create, I'm creative, I have a good heart, everyone will see and understand one day.

Everything sounds like noise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYTHING SOUNDS LIKE NOISE!!!!!!! I don't trust anyone! Very judged very scrutinized very criticized! I want everyone to know I have lows all the time but I make it through them!

Yo I really wonder if Matt Lauer thought that shit was cool to play the "MTV" clip while I was speaking about Bush? He played clips of Bush and asked me to look at his face while I was trying to talk to him. I wish Michael Jackson had Twitter!!!!!! Maybe Mike could have explained how the media tried to set him up!!! It's all a fucking set up!!!! This is rock and roll life my people... you can't stop the truth you can't stop the music and I have to be strong or "they" win!!!! Sometimes it's not simple, some days it's not easy... I just want to create. I love you guys, thanks for the support!

John Harper was right. Kanye's Twitter voice is based on the life of Tracy Jordan.

Correction: This is what it always looks like inside my head. This mess of a clip is apparently from 3 years ago, but it's been passed around the Internet's smoking circle and now it's my turn for a hit.

Speaking of freebasing Sanka, the crew and reporters of KGTV San Diego must've been doing that shit after their usual breakfast bong hit with Ron Burgundy, because nothing goes right in this clip. NOTHING. I don't know what's filled with more fails, this clip or the last time I tried to do sex shit in a stand-up shower. I mean, are newborn kittens with ADD operating the cameras?

The final shot at the end has to be my favorite part of this glorious mess. That pepaw on a Hoveround is an accurate dramatization of one of my dusty and lazy brain cells trying to find the exit. Good morning!

Source: HuffPo via TDW

If the mystery meat in McDonald's McRib doesn't tear up your guts and land you on a shared cot at the free clinic, their customers will! This is a clip from Sfist of an all-out, hair-pulling, face-punching, foot-kicking battle at a McDonald's on Third Street in San Francisco right after the first game of the World Series on Wednesday night.

The person who uploaded this Mac Attack Royale says it all started when "some chick was arguing about their order, the chick with the yellow thong tells her, she shouldn't talk like that in front of her daughter. Chick says she's not my daughter and throws soda at the yellow thong chick. then all hell breaks loose."

These raggedy hyena bitches need to swallow a bowl and hold it for ten seconds, because it. is. not. that. serious. Walk out the door, turn left, skip 5 steps and you'll bump into another House Of Ronald. Now, if they were at an In-N-Out, I'd say, "Whoop that trick, animal style!"

The editor-in-chief of Shape wants to clarify that ridiculous e-mail Too Fab posted where she apologized to some of her readers for making a "terrible mistake" by featuring a "husband stealer" on their cover. Valerie Latona tells USA Today that her words were twisted around and she isn't budging from the decision she made to put Falcor's constipated auntie on the cover of Shape's "HIDE YO HUSBANDS" issue. This is what Valerie had to say:

My comments have been taken out of context. I used the words of the few unhappy readers who wrote in.

I stand by the fact that LeAnn's story is compelling--and her courage and strength in the face of so much adversity is compelling. That is why I put her on the cover of Shape for what is now the third time.

The fact is a mere 40 readers out of almost 6 million readers wrote in to complain calling LeAnn a "husband stealer" and a "terrible mistake for Shape". I wrote to those women apologizing that our cover choice did not make them happy—as I have done for other cover stars in the past."

Valerie is only saying this shit, because she knows not to eff with LeAnn!! LeAnn will put on her dick snatchin' suit, fly into Valerie's bedroom window, grab her husband out of bed, throw him into her giant black sack (with a shiny gold outline of a dick on it), and then hustle back to the safe house to add a husband to her collection! Valerie knew this was going to happy eventually when she closed her eyes last night and Limahl's sweet voice started filling her ears. LeAnn was comin' comin' comin' comin' for her HUZBEEEEEND!

And in possibly related (not really) news, Eddie Cibrian's ex-wife Brandi Analglandville was busted for DUI this morning. That vicious LeAnn! Bitch stole Brandi's husband, and now she has stolen her common sense too! Is there nothing she won't steal?!