Do You Need A Moment?

After Britney Spears' sleepdance and yawn-synch performance on Good Morning America yesterday, the USB stick inserted into her brain told her to announce that this summer she's co-headlining a national tour with Enrique Iglesias. The part of you that still lives in 2001 freaked the hell out before changing the channel to watch the premiere of Six Feet Under. But three seconds after the announcement was made, Enrique Iglesias pried himself off the tour the same way an alley rat pried that mole off his face with its teeth. Enrique no longer wants to be a part of Brit's beef jerky mime show.

TMZ says that the reason is because Enrique is a dramatic cunt diva queen who thinks his pussy poppin' game is tighter than Brit's and refuses to open for her or anybody else! Even though Enrique was billed as a co-headliner, he wants to close the show and not open it. A source said that Brit and Enrique's team spent weeks working out the details of the tour including placement and money issues. In the source's opinion, the deal was fair for both sides, but Enrique still thinks he's nothing but an appetizer for the main course (which tastes like soggy fried chicken and grits made with lukewarm tap water).

But a different source tells Billboard that Brit and Enrique are trying to work things in hopes that they will bring the hottest tour of 2001 to the US. And here's some EXCLUSIVO backstage footage of Enrique and Brit (I put your name before hers this time, Enrique, so don't bitch) in deep and heated negotiations last night:

The conclusion? Brit's got a case of overheated right foot. No, they didn't get around to discussing that tour shit, but they're on it!

Enrique really needs to fuck his ego orifice with an erect stick made of reason and get over himself! Think about it. Does Enrique really want to perform after Brit? Did he watch her on GMA and Kimmel yesterday? If he performed after Brit, he'd take the stage and find most of the audience in a coma that not even a Frapp injection to the heart could reverse. Fuck Enrique! Brit should get the Quizno's singing rats to co-headline with her instead. They'd have way more delicious foods in their dressing room, anyway.

And here's Brit doing the poop cocktail supreme stunt on Kimmel last night.

That Port-A-Potty really is a thing of magic, because Brit came out 20 pounds lighter, wearing a totally different color tank top and moved like she doesn't have rigor mortis bones.

It's a damn shame Brit didn't do the Jackass stunt herself, because then her weave would've finally gotten a proper bath!

Britney Spears' Good Morning America mini-show aired today and I've seen her use more energy when walking to the car with a Venti Frapp in her hand. This was the laziest LIP SYNCH FOR YOUR LIFE I evah did see. Brit, you will not be returning to the Interior Illusions Lounge so please pack up your tuck and go (wrong show?). And yes, you fu(censored)ed it up.

The chances of Brit Brit singing live are about as slim as me making sense in a post. It's not going to happen, so just deal with it. Because Brit isn't using her energy on making her vocal cords yodel, one might think she'd put her all into dancing. Yeah, check NEGATIVE on that box too. When Brit kept mouthing the words "Would you hold it against me?," I kept waiting for medical technicians to come out and hold defibrillator pads against her. Maybe that will pump some life into her rock hard boner bones. Brit was moving like an animatronic robot whose Dollar Store batteries are about to go dead. But you know, it's wrong of me to think this.

BRIT BRIT must be exhausted. Think of all the hours, focus and raw emotions she spent on writing the songs for her new album! Oh, you say she didn't write any of those songs? Okay, think of how she sang her weave tracks off in the recording studio and poured her heart out! Oh, you say that's not her voice. You say it's the chipmunk-ized voice of an analog answering machine from 1987? Oh, okay. Well, think of how she had to order a Frapp Kegi at Starbucks every single morning before going to the studio to listen to songs. SEE! Brit has earned the right to cacka mosey mosey mosey through a pre-taped performance! She's got a lot on her mind (like ten pounds of Falcor hair).

If the Ambien injection above already wore off, here's another one:

And another one. This one is extra-strength, so stay away from operating a motor vehicle or heavy machinery after viewing.

In today's "assholes who need to sit on a dildo stool made of Valium while sucking off a bong" news, Vince Neil ruined a Hal Sparks show at the Las Vegas Hilton last night when he stormed in and started barking at his ex-girlfriend for whatever reason. Maybe he was pissed at her for wearing his favorite purple sweater without asking. Who knows, but things turned Ike Turner-ey when Vince allegedly got psychical with his ex-girlfriend and one of her friends. Hotel security called the police.

TMZ reports that Vince wasn't arrested (above is his "librarian lady" glamour shot from a DUI arrest last month), but his ex-girlfriend did file a battery report.

And here's another one who needs to sit down and chill the hell out. Can the government please just gather up Vince, Chris Brown, Michael Lohan, Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen? Throw them into a RAGE plant where they can scream and punch at each other all they want. We can use their rage energy to power our plug-in vibrators, troll lamps, electric menorahs and everything else. Those assholes can use their rage for good for a change. RAGE POWER: it's the new thing! Al Gore needs to get on this!

Nancy (it's always a Nancy) from Sparkle Markets in Ohio had biscotti and another hard long treat on the brain during a "Great Grocery" segment on the local news. Oh, Nancy! You can't just drop a cock in our ears and then move along like we didn't hear it. DETAILS! Next to teeth, crumbs are a cock's worst enemy, so how are you supposed to enjoy one with biscotti? For Nancy's next segment, I really hope she clears this up. And which aisle at Sparkle Markets can we find cock in? Let us know, Nancy! We've got our shopping carts ready!

via HuffPo

By day, Spaz de la Huerta is breaking the will of mere mortals with her drunk tank beauty, and by night she's breaking glasses and punching hos in the face! TMZ reports that the beer-stained wild weed that grows between the Boardwalk floor boards was FRAMED in NYC on Sunday night. Yes, FRAMED! Some former reality star named Samantha Swerta claimed Spaz threw a glass at her before hitting her in the face.

Hook that Samantha chick up to a lie detector, because I refuse to believe any of this! Spaz is a refined lady of class! Spaz didn't throw a glass. That was the crystal teardrop from an angel who shed it after he caught an up-close glimpse of Spaz's gorgeous face in his telescope. And nobody punched Samantha! The wind just knocked her out when Spaz flipped her hair. RE-TRIAL!!!!

Okay, okay, I'm completely Spazmatized, so here's the real story from TMZ:

Sources familiar with the situation tell TMZ, it all went down at The Standard hotel -- after Paz and Samantha got into it over Samantha's male friend ... we're told Paz was hitting on him and Sam got defensive.

According to sources, Samantha made a few snide remarks about Paz's level of inebriation ... and Paz got PISSED, throwing a glass and punching Samantha in the face.

We're told pieces of the glass became lodged in Samantha's leg, and Lindsay Lohan -- who was there with Samantha -- helped pick out the bloody shards ... while Paz was escorted out by security.

Samantha filed a police report this morning with her attorney Stephanie Ovadia. So far, no charges have been filed.

Wait. Lindsay Lohan was at a hotel bar?! A bar where they serve booze? STRING HER UP! WHAT'S THE NUMBER TO 911! STICK A BREATHALYZER IN HER MOUTH! CITIZEN'S ARREST! THROW HER IN THE CLINK! RE-TRIAL!

Yes, that's me trying to take the attention off of Spaz's drunk douchebag ways. I'm so the White Oprah to her Lindsay.

Besides jacuzzi jets, Charlie Sheen and the KKK, Jodie Foster has been one of Mel Gibson's constant supporters and won't hold back when gushing sweet syrupy words that are strangely the same consistency of butt pimple puss. Shortly after all of our ears were raped by a pack of Mel Gibsons, Jodie was one of the first to come to his defense. Jodie is at it again. During an interview with The Hollywood Reporter for their movie The Beaver (that title is still TOO EASY), Jodie continued to pour out love for Mel.

Jodie is laying it on so thick that you'd think Mad Mel broke into her trailer, stole a lesbian fuck tape off her laptop and is threatening to leak it through the Internet pipes unless she only has kind words for him from now on. Or maybe Jodie just has a movie to sell.

Roll your titties in a bowl of azucar and read what Jodie had to say about her beloved Mel:

Jodie on how Mel is yarmulke full of love: “He’s so incredibly loving and sensitive, he really is. He is the most loved actor I have ever worked with on a movie. And he’s not saintly, and he’s got a big mouth, and he’ll do gross things your nephew would do. But I knew the minute I met him that I would love him the rest of my life.”

Jodie on how Mel has human organs despite what you've heard: “I know him in a very complex way. He’s a real person; he’s not a cardboard cutout. I know that he has troubles, and when you love somebody you don’t just walk away from them when they are struggling.”

Jodie on how Mel came to her during the whole OctoSana explosion: “We talked about it all the way through, about what was going on in his life. I don’t think he told me until it was something he couldn’t handle by himself.”

Jodie on Mel's insane rants: “I knew about that. He was upset. Then, on the last day of reshoots of Mel, it all came out.”

Jodie continuing to jack Mel off with a Fleshlight modeled after Eva Braun's cooch: “God, I love that man. The performance he gave in this movie, I will always be grateful for. He brought a lifetime of pain to the character that we’ve been talking about for years, that I knew was part of his psyche and who he is. It’s part of him that is beautiful and that I want people to know, too. I can’t ever regret that.”

We get it, Jodie! Damn. You love Mel so much that you just want to wrap in him in a giant vagina and eat him up! You'd think Mel blew Jodie before Jacuzzi.

And I don't have a nephew, but I'd like to think that if I did he'd never tell anyone to blow him before Jacuzzi. I mean, toddlers shouldn't go in the Jacuzzi!

When you're on a TV show that some people watch, sometimes those some people who watch your TV show on a regular basis and members of the paparazzi see you out in the wild and want to get a little time with you. This is a side-effect that some famous hos embrace and others don't. Jemaine Clement of Flight of the Conchords falls into the latter category. We'd all be mad if we were slowly turning into an exact replica of Peter Jackson, but DAMN, don't take it out on your fans.

Jemaine did not like his fans and the paps crowding around his space in NYC, so he tried to shoo them away by Wicked Witch of the East-ing their asses. But one fan did not appreciate getting doused with a flying cunt bath and retaliated by throwing their tall cup of hot chocolate at Jemaine. That really is the most delicious retaliation ever.

Now that I think about it, Jemaine might have the magic touch. Jesus turned water into wine, but Jemaine turned water into delicious hot chocolate! Now, he just needs to practice more so the hot chocolate goes into his mouth next time.

Today's "GET OFF MAH LAWNS" moment is brought to you by Jon Bon Jovi. JoBoJo is sitting on his front porch in his leather Snuggie and waving his cane at Apple CEO Steve Jobs who he thinks is responsible for killing the music experience. Yes, you can put four quarters into the iTunes juke box and request a Jon Bon Jovi song, but he's not exactly pushing out smiles about it.

In an interview with The Sunday Times Magazine, JB played the "going back in time" harp and reminisced about the old days when you played a record in your living room while holding the jacket against your chest. Okay, besides Sandra Dee, who the fuck held the record jacket against their chest like that? I guess Jon Bon Jovi did:

"Kids today have missed the whole experience of putting the headphones on, turning it up to 10, holding the jacket, closing their eyes and getting lost in an album; and the beauty of taking your allowance money and making a decision based on the jacket, not knowing what the record sounded like, and looking at a couple of still pictures and imagining it.

God, it was a magical, magical time. I hate to sound like an old man now, but I am, and you mark my words, in a generation from now people are going to say: 'What happened?' Steve Jobs is personally responsible for killing the music business."

KIDS TODAY! Like JoBoJo, I sometimes get a bit of nostalgia in my eyes when thinking about how I used to stroll into Wherehouse Music on a Sunday afternoon and look at the board to see what the following week's upcoming releases would be. Yes, I got that shit from looking at a stupid board. Then I'd come back sometime that week and use my allowance money to buy a CD and a couple of cassette singles. For the rest of the day, I'd listen to the entire CD on my headphones while reading the lyrics word for word and thinking about which songs I was going to put on the road trip mix-tape. Making a mix-tape was a mathematical art form, because you had to time that shit perfectly. Yes, those were the days. But those are always the days.

When cassette tapes came along, hos were screaming about the days of records. When CDs came along, hos were screaming about the days of cassette tapes (correction: I don't think anybody missed cassettes). When Mp3s came along, hos were screaming about the days of CDs. It's always going to be like that.

In 20 years, The Sunday Times iPad Weekly will interview one of the Jonas Brothers who will say how he misses the old days when kids uploaded songs to their iPod and listened to it while watching Cat videos and downloading porn clips from Megashare. Because in the future we'll simply stream auto-tune arias directly into a microchip in our brains. "Those WERE the days" - A Jonas Bros. speaking from the set of Hoverboarding with the Stars

via MSN

I've always know that Jennifer Aniston has Brangeloonie-like fans who will fight for her honor by stabbing my inbox with slashes like this: "dear michael gay, don't hate aniston because you wish you were a hot single sexy woman like her. looser." (Very true, and I also wish I had the world's largest crochet kitten collection and could keep a straight face while doing tequila body shots off my boyfriend pillow. Jealous=me). But I didn't know that Aniston had hardcore fans who wear homemade shrine t-shirts to meet her at the launch of her perfume J'Alone in Mexico City!

Yes, Jennifer's publicist most likely promised everyone in the crowd an autographed picture of Maddox if they showed up, but this little girl gave it her all! Homegirl's weeping is so intense that Jennifer will take pity upon her, adopt her and give her one of the top bunks in the Cabbage Patch barracks. Maddox will eventually break into the barracks and take the girl away since he can never let Aniston be happy! Wait, I see what homegirl is doing. Well. Played.

Even though that amazing t-shirt is sort of a "fuck you" to Aniston since she claims she hates the Rachel cut, I still want one.

While Justin Bieber's publicist squirts out an orgasm over all the "Not Since The Beatles..." headlines this is going to get, dozens of Beliebers flooded the streets of Liverpool with panty pudding after finding out that the world's most famous singing toddler was inside. Liverpool police were forced to close down roads and bring in officers to control the crowd. The police have instructed The Lesbeaver to stay inside out of fear that if the mob of crazy girls see him, they'll start a riot. Ugh. A riot over a baby?! Who the fuck do those girls think they are? Angelina Jolie? Move along. Damn.

The Hollywood Reporter says that Bieber is coincidentally staying in the Beatles-themed Hard Day's Night Hotel. The hotel manager also down played the hysteria and said that everything's going to be fine.

“It’s very good natured. People who have reservations in the restaurant are still coming in and people are drinking in the bars. It’s just a bit louder than usual,” he said. There have been no reports of injuries. There are about a thousand fans there.

"The police are managing the situation but people can still get in and out, there’s no sense of threat. I feel a bit sorry for the people around the hotel, but for the majority of girls outside, they are having a great time. He’s easiest the biggest star we have had here for years.”

The Bieber/Beatles comparison are ridiculous, because they only thing they have in common is that they both can be accused of committing forehead suffocation.

Wait, are we sure that shit didn't get lost in translation and the girls actually think that Justine Bateman is inside the hotel? Because that would make more sense.