I Can't With You

The smoke monster needs to come and get his bitch, because Matthew Fox is still a dumb drunk of a mess.

In "dude really needs to go back to the island" news, Matthew Fox was arrested near his home in Bend, Oregon on Friday morning for driving under the influence of the sweet nectar. TMZ says that Matthew and a passenger were on their way to fill their drunk bodies with some delicious grease at a fast food place when the police pulled him over. Matthew was taken in at around 3:23 in the morning and released a few hours later. There are no other details about his arrest.

The only detail I need to know is whether or not Matthew Fox had that pepaw goat beard on his face at the time of his arrest, because that mess is obviously the root of all his problems. I understand being ten shades of drunk and craving a mound of deep fried lard. We've all been there. But is a cheeseburger really worth the risk of crashing into another car or getting arrested? I had to think about that for a few seconds, but the answer is NO! Order a pizza, bitch, or get one of your kids to ride their Big Wheel down to the McDonald's for you. Matthew needs to go down into the hatch and stay there until he is capable of making good life choices. Take Amanda Bynes' dumb ass with you.

On a positive note, at least he didn't commit vagina abuse this time.

If you got drunk on Theraflu, blindfolded yourself and played a game of Grand Theft Auto with your feet, you'd probably hit less cars than Amanda Bynes does on a monthly basis. Amanda continued her training for a spot on the 2012 U.S. Stunt Driving Olympics Team by sideswiping a car with her Range Rover on Friday night. This is the second time in a month that Amanda has swiped a car, and just like last time, bitch drove off. It's gotten to the point that if you walk outside and find that somebody screwed up the side of your car without leaving a note on your windshield, just go ahead and send your body repair bill to Amanda Bynes. The trick probably did it.

E! News says that a dude called the LAPD after Amanda sideswiped his car while trying to pass him on the right. Amanda kept driving and the dude followed her ass while talking to the cops. When the cops caught up to her, she pulled her head out of her culo hole and told the officer that she had no idea she grazed another car. Amanda wasn't drunk this time so the cops let her off with a warning. The LAPD pushed out this statement to E!:

"She wasn't given a citation, no one was arrested, no one was hurt. She didn't even know she was involved in an accident. We took a traffic collision report and there will be no further investigation."

Oh L.A., you're a magical place where hos who have at least 10 IMDB credits to their name can hit-and-run a bitch and get off without the police officer even thinking about reaching for his citation pad. That officer should've taken Amanda's license and did what the salesperson at Macy's did when I tried to use my Household Bank MasterCard: cut that shit up and hand it back to her in pieces. Amanda has no business being behind the wheel of a steel monster. Somebody get that bitch a tricycle, or a bus pass, or a skateboard with a leash attached to a dog. I would tell Amanda just to move to NYC since her and driving don't go together, but she'd probably be one of those clueless bitches who stands right in front of the subway doors and refuses to move when the doors open. I know I'm going to see those annoying whores in HELL!

Katie Price's divorce to cross-dressing MMA fighter Roxy Baby isn't finalized yet, but that hasn't stopped her from lining up her next ex-husband. Kim Kardashian has handed the whoopin' stick to Katie Price and now it's her turn once again to beat at the pile of horse bones dust that is the sanctity of marriage. Katie's rep told The Sun yesterday that her Argentine boy piece Leandro Penna pooped the question into her ears on Friday night. Since Katie will only say no to the questions "Your skin is starting to bubble, do you think you should get out of the tanning bed now?" and "Can we fuck without the cameras just this once?", she said YES! It's a wonderful day for Katie's divorce lawyer (he can put a down payment on that country house now) and Thelma Madine (who obviously makes all of Katie's cotton candy queef wedding dresses). Katie's rep had this to say about her latest engagement:

“It’s true — they are engaged. Leandro proposed to Katie while they were away skiing recently — and she said yes. They told her children but had intended to keep it secret for a while. No wedding arrangements have been made and they are both quite relaxed about that for the time being.”

Leandro designed Katie's ring himself with help from her favorite jeweler. Today is the day where you learn that there's a 6-year-old girl trapped inside of Leandro and Katie's favorite jeweler also designs the rings sold in candy machines outside of The Dollar Tree. This tacky mess looks like a dingle pulled off of Parasite Hilton's ass hairs:

I have a feeling that this is going to last longer than Katie's past marriages. Leandro and Katie both barely speak English and they both have exquisite taste in jewelry. They're meant to be. Oh, what am I saying? This shit isn't going to last. Katie has had ass warts that lasted longer than this marriage will last. I just hope that at the wedding, Harvey Price will continue to be the voice of the people by quoting himself while giving a speech at the reception:

I know I pull that clip out of the vault every other damn week, but it's a gem and gems were made to be appreciated at all times. And it best expresses my thoughts about pretty much everything.

Just when I start to think that this society hasn't gone full crazy, I see this mess on Today this morning and I'm actually surprised I didn't read about it on GOOP first.

For just $1,500, Florida's own Dr. Oliver Di Pietro, who kind of looks like Bobby Moynihan as Newt Gingrich, will stick a feeding tube into your stomach through your nostril hole and count his money as you're slowly fed 800 calories a day for ten days. Dr. Oliver says that most patients drop up to 20 chunks of fat. And all you have to do is eat all your nutrients through your nose. Like a Lohan!

Dr. Oliver tells The New York Times that most of his patients are brides hoping to lose some weight to fit into their wedding dresses. Dr. Oliver says that the 800 calories is a mixture of fat, water and protein with zero carbs in it. The body loses the weight so fast, because it starts burning fat instead of sugar. Dr. Oliver's patients have to keep the feeding tube in for the full 10 days and they carry around their liquid food in a tote bag. Side effects include constipation, dizziness, bad breath and of course, exposing your insane fucked up craziness to your loved ones.

Hos who are crazy enough to go on the ICU diet don't need to worry about strangers knowing that they're basically starving their way to skinny. One bride said that people just assumed she was dying of a terminal illness. Wonderful. It's so much better for people to think you're sick than think that you're trying to lose weight. It's shit like this that has me asking: Why do we even live here anymore? Here being the planet.

And Dr. Oliver says that his K-E Diet is safe and effective, because thousands of people in Europe have done it. "Why do we always get blamed for jacked up shit like this?" - Europeans

Zac Efron's former lip gloss holder Vanessa Hudgens is looking more fucked up than usual and that could mean only one thing: It's Coachella time again! Vanessa Hudgens normally looks like the L train gargled up the worst fashions from the 90s before barfing all over her, but when April rolls around she really turns up the WTF. This year, Vanessa went hard and really earned a THIS BITCH badge of honor by trying to offend as many groups of people and pairs of eyeballs as possible. Let's go down the line....

That headdress is offending her Native American ancestors (she's like .5% Native American, okay) and 3rd graders who can make a better one using an old belt, construction paper and pigeon feathers. That Sharpie bindi is offending both cholas and Indians for obvious reasons. That peace sign is offending Chicken Cutlets since that her signature pose. And I don't know if that make-up is offending Native Americans, ThunderCats or caca streaks on chonies?

The organizers of Coochella need to be brought up on charges for being an accessory to this dumbassness.

Here's a few more pictures from over the weekend of hos doing it right (see: Ian Somerhalder hugging half of his nalgas) and bitches doing it wrong (see: pretty much everyone else). In order: a damn fool, Trouty Mouth with Horsey Mouth's niece, Johnny Hallyday, Jared Leto, Fuggie Fug with Josh Duhamel, a leftover queef bubble from 2002, Katy Perry, Ke$hit and Ian S.

To commemorate the one week anniversary of her DUI and the three week anniversary of getting pulled over for talking and driving, Amanda Bynes drove her own ass to Chateau Marmont and Greystone Manor to party with her friends. The paps caught Amanda texting behind the wheel before she ran up over the curb while trying to park. Who knows if Amanda's tongue even touched booze last night, but I find from personal experience when I'm standing in the middle of a club surrounded by sweaty hos thinking they're the shit, the only thing I want to do is eat an entire bottle of Jack. Instead of texting, Amanda needs to use her iPhone to look up the synopsis for Crack & Me: The Lindsay Lohan Story, because she's obviously involuntarily remaking that shit and doesn't know what happens next.

When are these bitches going to learn that driving Billy Joel-style is no way to drive through life? Isn't driving drunk really hard, anyway? Why would you want to ruin your buzz by trying to focus on not sending yourself or others to Jesus? That seems really stressful. Just do what all smart-thinking sluts do. Either find a sober trick to go home with or drag yourself to the nearest Denny's and face plant right into a stack of pancakes until you're good enough to drive. What L.A. really needs, besides a Piggly Wiggly (I will so move back if L.A. gets a Piggly Wiggly), is a Save a Ho car service complete with an open bar in the back. Oh, the Save a Ho car service should also have a foot surgeon in its backseat, because Amanda's hooves like they are one OW away from quitting her ankles.

For once, the "dumb bitch" tag doesn't only apply to a Lohan in this post.

Some woman filed a police report in West Hollywood over the weekend claiming that she's the latest victim to feel the coke-infused wrath of the freckled terror, because she says Lindsay Lohan went after her at The Standard hotel on Thursday night. The woman says she was talking to one of LiLo's dude friends, and LiLo didn't like it so she started shoving and pushing at her ass. Ho says that she's got bruises on her back to prove she was pushed. When TMZ ran this story yesterday, they asked LiLo's spokeswhore for a comment, and of course he gave them a river of denial that only flows out of White Oprah's ass:

"Lindsay was absolutely not involved in any sort of altercation whatsoever. This is clearly another case of someone looking for money and 15 minutes of fame."

Then LiLo later told TMZ that it was impossible for her to push a trick at a club since she was at home watching episodes of Homeland that night.

There are two sides to every story and LiLo has already snorted both of those sides up, so I don't know who to believe. If security footage came out clearly showing LiLo at The Standard, she'd still say, "It wasn't me! It was Axl Rose! Bitches get us confused a lot!," so you can't trust anything that pours of her mouth. That said, there's a history of hos trying to scam the scammer of all scammers, so this supposed victim could be making it all up hoping to get a check.

If LiLo is lying, then that woman learned the hard way to never mess with one of LiLo's johns unless you're okay with scrubbing out coke residue and fake tan grease from the back of your dress after she pushes you out of the way. If the woman is lying, then I am so mad at her for making me side with a Lohan. (Although, the Lohans do have better party favors on their side.)

Before you get into this news story directly from the "I Can't Believe It's Not Florida!" files, just assume that everyone involved was high on some kind of bad shit at the time. Everyone from the mohawked lady to the shooter to the cats were definitely messed up on something (mostly, the drug that is stupidity).

49-year-old Derrill Rockwell of Grand Junction, Colorado was on the lookout for a bitch bird with a red mohawk who had been terrorizing his cats. Derrill was out to git that flying debul and when he spotted the tip of a red mohawk on a hilltop about 90 feet away from his house, he pulled out his 22-caliber rifle and shot at it. Derrill was surprised that the next sound to hit his ears wasn't a single chirp followed by a thud. Derrill heard the sound of a human moan. When he went over to the hill to investigate, he found a 23-year-old woman with a head wound. THAT DUMB CRAZY SHOT HER ASS! Derrill mistook her red mohawk for the red mohawk on his arch rival. Police say that the woman was passed out in a drunken coma at the time she was shot. They also found a bag of meth nearby. The woman was not severely injured and she disappeared after her injuries were treated at the hospital.

The dumbass shooter was charged with felony possession of a weapon by a prior offender. Derrill was banned from using a gun in 1995 after he was convicted of robbery. Derrill pleaded guilty to the felony possession of a weapon charge in court last week and was sentenced to five years probation.

Meanwhile, guess who's still at large?

Dumb bitches with guns: 0
Pussy-terrorizing birds with red mohawks: ALL THE POINTS!

via Boing Boing

I've heard some people say that every marriage should have to be approved by a mental health professional before it's made legal. I don't agree with that mess, because if I should ever catch Anderson Cooper in a drunken, confused state and I get him to marry me, the last thing I need is some government therapist bitch knocking some reason into his head. But this story is making me change my mind.....

Abigail of the UK might be the ultimate Twihard and mental hospitals should consider naming their Twihard wings after her. Abigail is so dedicated to the sparkle that she wanted her wedding to look like Twilight jizzed all over it. Abigail wore a copy of Bella's wedding dress to her reception, made her husband Andy wear a tuxedo like Edward's, used the Twilight soundtrack for her ceremony music and used the Twilight movies as inspiration for her flowers, cake and decorations. Yes, if Abigail was my cousin, I'd get her a wedding gift of his and hers straitjackets, but her wedding reception isn't the craziest shit she did.

Examiner says that Abigail somehow convinced her new husband to legally change his last name to Cullen. Andy agreed and so now they're known as Mr. & Mrs. Cullen. Abigail Cullen says that her husband has been a good sport about her addiction to Twilight.

The truth is, the Twilight-themed wedding isn't that insane, now that I remember that I've seen pictures from an Avatar-themed wedding, but the name change shit is some serious commitment to crazy. She must have a pussy made out of glitter that makes him break the headboard or she must have something on him. This is the deal breaker of all deal breakers. Somebody get these two a romantic honeymoon to Bellevue! Better yet, get them a romantic boat ride for two, so he can fake his death Sleeping with the Enemy-style. Well, if you're ever hating life you can take comfort in knowing that somewhere in the UK, Andy Cullen is hating life more.

The Kuntrashians really know how to stretch themselves over Ray J's "always turning right" dick for some attention and they also know how to stretch out a non-story for maximum exposure. It was over a week ago when your favorite Christmas meal Jon Hamm used Kim Kardoucheian as an example for how the world throws their attention and money at talentless shit boxes. Kim queefed out a response, Jon responded to her response and now the ring that hangs off of Kim's ass lip is responding. Jonathan Cheban is the MAD Cat to Kim's Doctor Claw, so of course he's going to defend the trick that gives him treats in the form of his own reality shit show, but he really outdid himself with this shit. UsWeekly asked Jonathan about the Hamm thing and this is the delusion-wrapped rhinestone that jumped off of his tongue:

"I think Jon Hamm needs to just shut up and stop being such a mad man! He needs to mind his own business, because Kim works hard. They do different things --it's a whole different world. Put Jon Hamm in a mall, and more people will go up to the people working at the Burger King than they will to him. Bring Kim to a mall and there will be a riot. They're in two different businesses. Kim's pop culture and what people like. It's a lot of work, and she's here to stay. Let's see where he is after Mad Men."

This bitch said BURGER KING. You know, Kim is a cockroach with a big ass, so Jonathan does have a point. But seriously, I've never trusted grown men with middle-parted hair before (see: Charlie Sheen, Nick Carter, Russell Brand, etc...), but thanks to Jonathan I'll trust them from now on. Trust them to make me HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!