I Can't With You

John Mayer has achieved the impossible by making himself look like a bigger douchebag than he already is. John Mayer wore this "shiver me tampons" mess to Palihouse in West Hollywood last night and it wasn't pirate or costume night. Wearing this mess is only okay if you're at a ren faire, operating one of the rides at Fantasyland in Disneyland, performing in front of Treasure Island, posing next to Fabio for the cover of a gay romance novel, participating in a Firefly-themed role play orgy, working as busboy at Medieval Times or if you're acting in an episode of Dr. Who. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that wearing this outfit is okay as long as your name is not John Mayer. If your name is John Mayer, then it's definitely not okay.

John Mayer's obsession with looking like Johnny Depp needs to stop. Earth to d-bag, you'll never look like Johnny Depp and you'll really never look like Jack Sparrow. The only way John Mayer would look like Johnny Depp is if Johnny Depp got into a terrible accident and had to have facial reconstruction surgery using pieces of a prolapsed rectum. That's it.

Seen here slithering around NYC yesterday, Jada Pinkett Smith recently told Essence Magazine that OH MY SHIT I CAN'T GO ON WITHOUT COMMENTING ON THAT BITCH'S CHEEKS! It looks like she's got two silicone lollipop balls trapped in her face. Is Jada's plastic surgeon the reincarnation of Wayland Flowers? Even Chicken Cutlets is telling Jada to calm down, because it looks like she tore off Will Smith's nutsacks and is storing them in her cheeks. If this Jada's way of trying to get Will to show her some affection in public by licking her testicle cheeks, I'm sure it has already worked.

Cheeks should not look like balloons and I should have not the urge to Photoshop the old man from Up holding on to one of them:

Okay, enough about Jada's terrifying cheeks. Jada told Essence that her guilty pleasures are fries and pizza, but she normally just sees food as a way to power her body:

French fries, and pizza… together. If I could have French fries and pizza every day I would really live off that. My real diet though, well, I don’t eat for pleasure. I probably had the only West Indian grandmother that could not cook. [Laughs] She was an awful cook, and she taught me that you don’t eat for taste, you eat for nourishment. And I have kept that over the years, so I can eat anything that’s healthy. I eat for my schedule so I have to eat high-protein, lots of greens and healthy carbs so that I don’t fall flat on my face.

Well, the good news is that if Jada ever falls flat on her face, her beach ball cheeks will bounce off the floor and put her back on her feet.

There's a now a valid reason for why Jada looks like a lizard. It's because she is a damn lizard! Bitch has the taste buds of a lizard and when she gets hungry, she just goes into the backyard to catch flies and lick on plants.

And after hearing that his wife said "I don't eat for pleasure," Will stopped eating between a pair of succulent man nalgas to say, "Huh?"

Lindsay Lohan's unofficial drunk mess protégé, Amanda Bynes, was charged today with DUI for allegedly sideswiping a cop car and driving away while the sweet nectar ran through her veins. Amanda refused to take a blood test or a breathalyzer, and she later claimed she never drinks. So we should just assume she's a natural wreck. Amanda further proved that point today by asking President Obama to put on his Captain Save A Ho hat and help her out.

If Amanda was joking, then she should start a career in comedy writing, because ho knows how to bring on the laughs. If Amanda wasn't joking, then she was definitely lying through her Tweet about the "I don't drink" thing, because her brain was obviously under the influence of booze, the bad shit and everything in her medicine cabinet when she wrote that shit.

And I know Obama has better things to do than deal with this trick, so I'll respond so he doesn't have to:

Hey @AmandaBynes Fuck off. The end. - bo

via People

Several of you sent this mess to me today and as I was reading about this Chuck Testa-approved art project I slowly laughed until my laughs turned into dry heaves. Oh, the fuckery produced by the human brain never ceases to amaze me.

When Orville, a cat belonging to Dutch artist Bart Jansen, got hit by a car and died, he wasn't cremated and poured into a wooden box like most cats. Bart looked at Orville's dead body and somehow decided to turn his beloved cat friend into a hovercraft pussy. I'm guessing that when Bart's brain barfed up that thought, his mouth was placed firmly on a bong full of PCP-laced weed. Or maybe Bart was just high on art, because art is a helluva drug on its own.

The L.A. Times said that Bart used his hands to attach a propeller to each one of Orville's paws and not once did he think he should use his hands for something more productive. You know like slapping the shit out of himself for turning his dead cat's body into a flying toy. After Bart finished his creation called the Orvillecopter (file that under: things I can't with), he debuted it at the KunstRai ArtFair in Amsterdam. Bart said that this what Orville would've wanted, because what cat wouldn't want to be soaring through the sky with the birds?

"After that he received his wings posthumously. Now he is flying with the birds. The greatest goal a cat could ever reach!"

Orville doesn't look like he's happy to be flying through the sky with the damn birds. Orville looks terrified. Like he just got hit by a car. Oh wait. I don't even know what to write about this. Is turning your dead cat into a working helicopter as crazy as turning a dead bear into a rug? Yes. Does Orville give a shit about this? Probably not, but that doesn't make it right or okay. Think of all the tiny birds who are having tiny bird heart attacks over seeing the last sign of their rapture: an overlord hovercat. Birds are doomed when pussies can fly.

I'm making a vow that if my dog kisses the mouth of the Grim Reaper before me, I will not turn his body into a helicopter. Flying is a physical activity and my lazy dog is allergic to every physical activity, so I will not disrespect him like that. I'll turn him into a sofa pillow instead. And if I go first, he can turn me into a bacon dispenser. See, we respect each other!

Since Fishsticks Paltrow is a stalker with means, she's been following Jay-Z and Kanye's tour throughout the UK and Europe, and has been documenting all the shows she goes to on her Twatter page to remind all of us that she's best friends with Beyonce. When Fishy Tweeted the above picture of herself, The Dream and Ty Ty watching Jay-Z's show in Paris and wrote the note "Ni**as in paris for real" over it, a wave of side-eyes came at her. Some didn't think it was cute that Fishy referred to two black men in Paris as "Ni**as in paris for real." Some defended Fishy's ass by saying she was only quoting the song. It's a cuntroversy (not really)!

Fishy's dumb ass later went back on Twitter and said she was just quoting the song.

The "for real" is what makes Fishy's Tweet a for real mess. Bitch should just let her GOOP writers write her Tweets too, because when they stick a freshly moisturized with dolphin milk foot in their mouths, they do it without using the n-word. But seriously, Fishy didn't have to lie by saying she was quoting the song. She wasn't quoting the song. The asterisks in "Ni**as" aren't covering two Gs, they're covering one N. Blue Ivy Carter and Apple Martin were backstage at the show in Paris and since Fishy is an official Spaniard, she calls them "niñas." Niñas in Paris. That's what she really meant. DUH!

Here's Fishy's best friends Beyonce and Jay-Z leaving their hotel in Paris with world champion breath holder BIC.

Heather Bormann, the party bus driver who accused Matthew Fox of one two punching her in the poon and titty area mysteriously withdrew her case against him back in April. And we're hearing about it just a few days after Dominic Monaghan became the baddest Hobbit in the Shire for blatantly saying that Matthew Fox regularly whoops on women. Hmmmm... Interesting, right? If we were all on the Lost island and this moment was directed by J.J. Abrams, we'd all open our eyes really big and then the music would swell and shit before the screen goes black. Then that Bad Robot bitch would pop up while some dude says some shit like, "Later on Jimmy Kimmel, Jessica Alba..." Yes, it's THAT suspicious.

Entertainment Weekly says that Heather's lawyer pulled the case in April, because she didn't pay his bill and didn't give him all of the information he needed to move forward. TMZ says that Heather can't file the lawsuit again and her lawyer claims that Matthew Fox didn't pay her off. Heather's lawyer also tells TMZ that she was a pain in his taint and that's why he dropped her. He believes that Heather stopped cooperating, because Matthew Fox's team of lawyers threatened to go all out in their war against her.

Ho, please. Matthew Fox obviously kept Heather's lips shut by sealing them with a check. Or....maybe Heather didn't want to barf up the terrifying memories of a drunk Jack from Lost upper cutting her in the cooch. Nobody wants to relive that shit. It sucks that this mess isn't going to trial, because I was really hoping that all the hos from Lost would be called as character witnesses. It'd be like a Lost reunion!

Above is a video of hundreds of Norwegian girls sounding like a flock of seagulls fighting over a piece of rotten lutefisk (yes, that's a metaphor for all of this) while chasing after a van carrying The Lesbeaver. The blonde tornado of insanity started when it was announced that Justin Bieber would give a free four-song concert outside of the Oslo Opera House last night. Thousands of girls jumped out of their panties and ran through the streets trampling everything and anything in their way. It was the running of the Biebers and those crazies didn't care who they took out. Oslo's mayor Fabian Stang was quoted as saying that it was the most embarrassing Hunger Games his city has ever hosted. May the odds ever Bieb in your favor.

TMZ says that shit got so crazy that the police almost declared a state of emergency in Oslo. Mayor Fabian Stang even had to hide behind a tree so he wouldn't get trampled on. When all was screamed and done, 49 teen girls were injured including 14 who had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. The mayor said none of the girls were seriously injured, but he's still investigating that mess:

"I have already called on the Emergency Planning Agency to examine the entire event from the planning stage to its implementation. We have to find out what went wrong and why it happened."

Um. Mayor Stang doesn't need to put together a task force to find out what happened yesterday. The debilitating mental illness that is Bieber Fever caused this. There's no preventing it and there's no stopping it. Can you imagine having to go down to the hospital because your teen daughter twisted her ankle while jumping over a police barricade to get to The Lesbeaver? Talk about a family's shame. That's worse than getting knocked up by your 12th grade English teacher.

Now let's all laugh at these stupid girls as we stroke the scar we got from elbowing a trick in the mouth to get to the front of the line at Sam Goody to buy New Kids tickets. Remember when you had to buy concert tickets at the damn music store?

And here's Le Lesbeaver arriving in Paris after terrorizing Norway.

I know you start your day EVERY day wondering what 90s third-tier boy band LFO has been up to and now you can exhale all your inhales, because I've got answers. Rich, as you know, is in heaven, Devin (in the middle) is hopefully training for his gay porn debut (but probably not) and Brad Fischetti (on the right) is doing what most former boy banders do with their time: he's hanging outside of abortion clinics, hassling young girls going in! And he's live-Tweeting all of it. This is the seriously weirdest Behind the Music ever.

Buzzfeed points us to Brad's Twitter where he asks his followers to pray for girls he meets outside of the clinics. Here's a few choice tweets from the lite funky pro-life one.

At the clinic. Please pray for us. John, Carlos, and me. Pray 4 Justin. He just went inside side 2 try 2 soften his girl's heart.

Guess what? Ur prayers worked. Justin went n & got his girl. She chose life & we all prayed n front of this place together. Amen. Thank you!

Remember Justin from last week? His lady chose life? 2day she chose death. All she cld say was sorry when she walked out.

10 girls lined up & the clinic's only been open 5 minutes; including some who are well n 2 the 2nd trimester. Prayers 4 these girls please.

The abortionist just arrived. Look him up on your phone. Randall Whitney.

What do u say 2 a girl who walks n the clinic who is so pregnant u would stop her on the street & ask when she's due?

Isaiah 49:15 Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness 4 the child of her womb? Even should she forget I will never forget you.

Celeste chose life today. Please pray for her. I hope u all have a beautiful day.

50 girls waiting to have abortions at this one clinic today. Please pray for a softening of hearts. 2 chose life so far.

You know, it's funny, I always thought that pop music's answer to Kirk Cameron would be the Kenny G-looking one from Color Me Badd. Maybe it's not what we think. Maybe Brad is working for MTV and he's really a casting recruiter for 16 and Pregnant.

My mom is one of the most caring and sensitive people I know. Scratch that. Let me do that sentence again. My mom is the ONLY caring and sensitive person I know since everybody else I know is a straight-up bitch. There that's better. Even though my mom is a kind soul, she's never really fazed by the dumb-coated pieces of mangled trash that my mouth shits up on a regular basis. But one of the only times I saw her get sad on the inside over some crap I spewed up was when we were watching her personal God, Dr. Oz, on TV and I said that he looked like a functioning corpse. The look on her face jumped between "you just strangled my kitten with my favorite cardigan while pissing with the seat down in my guest bathroom" to "you better learn how to drop your neck into your body real quick because I'm about to choke you out."

She is serious about her Dr. Oz and I'm sure one of her dreams in life is to be his assistant of the day so she can gaze up at his apple chip face as he tells her to crawl through a Colossal Colon or some weird shit like that. That is why I cannot and refuse to analyze the possible appearance of Dr. Oz's crotch wizard in the pages of Good Housekeeping. Damn TMZ, damn Good Housekeeping and damn me for posting this:

If you show this to my mom, do not tell me about it. Because the next time I'm watching Dr. Oz with her, I do not want to know why her smile is extra smiley. No. All parties involved are wrong for this. I hate cameras, I hate paper, I hate magazines, I hate scanners, I hate upload buttons and I hate the Internet.

The smoke monster needs to come and get his bitch, because Matthew Fox is still a dumb drunk of a mess.

In "dude really needs to go back to the island" news, Matthew Fox was arrested near his home in Bend, Oregon on Friday morning for driving under the influence of the sweet nectar. TMZ says that Matthew and a passenger were on their way to fill their drunk bodies with some delicious grease at a fast food place when the police pulled him over. Matthew was taken in at around 3:23 in the morning and released a few hours later. There are no other details about his arrest.

The only detail I need to know is whether or not Matthew Fox had that pepaw goat beard on his face at the time of his arrest, because that mess is obviously the root of all his problems. I understand being ten shades of drunk and craving a mound of deep fried lard. We've all been there. But is a cheeseburger really worth the risk of crashing into another car or getting arrested? I had to think about that for a few seconds, but the answer is NO! Order a pizza, bitch, or get one of your kids to ride their Big Wheel down to the McDonald's for you. Matthew needs to go down into the hatch and stay there until he is capable of making good life choices. Take Amanda Bynes' dumb ass with you.

On a positive note, at least he didn't commit vagina abuse this time.