I Can't With You

On last night's OMGWTFSHOCKINGFIRSTTIMEFOREVERYTHING (their words) episode of The Bachelor, Rozlyn Papa, the 28-year-old make-up artist and single mother, was shown the exit after she allegedly had an "inappropriate relationship" with a male producer.

The show's host Chris Harrison, who talks slower than Forrest Gump on ludes, informed Rozlyn that the producer was fired. Rozlyn made me choke on an immunity rose (I eat one during every episode) when she said that she didn't think her personal life was anybody's business. After Chris Harrison finished swallowing the laugh that wanted to jump out of his mouth, he told Rozyn that she would also have to leave the house because Bachelor Jake is serious about finding a wife. And that's when I really choked on my immunity rose.

The show's episode never addressed what exactly Rozlyn and this dude producer did. Rozlyn swears to Entertainment Tonight that she never got sexy with the producer and they were just good friends. But Chris Harrison says that Roz and the producer did swap bodily fluids.

Okay, let's say Roz and the producer 69ed in the middle of the rose ceremony room. Who fucking cares? The Bachelor is dating more than one bitch at the same time, so why can't the girls? Are they saying that Bachelor Jake is the only ho who gets to suck on more than one tongue? Are the girls supposed to keep their vaginas and tongues to themselves while waiting for Jake to scoop them up? They should change the title of that show to THE HAREM.

But the most upsetting part was how Rozlyn looked when they gave her the ax. They should've given her some kind of notice, so she could've brought the glamour for the dramatic occasion. Bitch needed big hair, big cleavage and big heels! Roz looked like Nomi Malone in a bootleg Versayce, when she should've looked like a Cristal Connors.

This is not Lindsay and Michael Lohan putting their Tweets aside and reuniting on the streets of NYC. This is just gaping Asshole Simpson and her pet lame monkey whoring for camera clicks by wearing Lohan masks yesterday afternoon. I guess the costume store was all out of "LOOK AT ME! I'M AN ATTENTION WHORE" t-shirts.

Unfortunately for all of us, the masks were not permanent and the two camera humpers took them off while walking. But I'm sure that after they got home, Bronx Mowgli crawled over to the masks and handed them to his parents. Take the hint.

Just the other day I was watching Mary J. Blige sing on some holiday special and I thought to myself how she must have mastered the art of keeping the fuckery in her pockets, because I never hear rumors about her ass. Well, I thought too soon.

The New York Daily News says that at the launch party for her new CD at club M2 in NYC on Tuesday night, Mary got the spirit of Elin Nordegren in her hands when she laid a smack down on her husband for keeping his eyes fixed on a cocktail waitress' goods. After Mary smacked her bitch up, she apparently warned him not to return the favor.

A witness-type said, "Mary hauled off and smacked him. She said, 'You ain't going to go Chris Brown on me, are you?'"

One of Mary's friends laughed off the claims by sayings h8ers got 2 h8, "Haters must have misunderstood a joke Mary and Kendu were sharing."

A JOKE?! This would only be a laughing matter if Mary was riding on a Roomba and Kendu wore an argyle sweater.

Do not watch this trailer if: a) You are a fan of The Runaways. or b) You want to punch something every time you witness Kristen Stewart licking her lips like she's got a fat cooch in her face.

Because in this 0:49 teaser trailer for The Runaways movie, Kristen managed to get a lip lick in. THAT BITCH! If her lips are dry, she should mouth fuck a jar of Vaseline. Did she take acting lessons from Jenna Jameson, because the she only acts with her lips and tongue.

via Best Week Ever

Barry Williams' 30-year-old girlfriend allegedly stole $29,000 from his checking account and then threatened to kill herself after she lost a beauty contest. That sentence paired with the picture above will win you first place at any amateur comedy night.

TMZ reports that Barry has taken out a restraining order against Elizabeth Kennedy, because bitch brought the crazy on his ass a few times during the past four months. Barry claims that back in August, Elizabeth threatened to put black Xes over her own eyes after she came home crown-less from a beauty pageant.

Let's blame Haylie Duff for that one. If Elizabeth won first place at the Kentucky State Fair instead of Haylie, Barry would've never been put through that stress.

A couple of months later on November 23rd, Elizabeth went nuts again when she pulled a kitchen knife on Barry, because she thought he was fucking one of his co-stars. Luckily, Barry was able to distract Elizabeth by pointing at the floor and screaming "SNAKE."

Barry also stated in court documents that he is working with Well Fargo's fraud department, because he believes Elizabeth stole his ATM pin and used it to snatch $29,000 out of his bank accounts.

The judge gave Barry the restraining order and also ordered Elizabeth to take her stash of carrots out of his apartment and find a new stable to lay her mane at night.

And yes, I too am still choking on a laugh after reading that Barry has $29,000 in his checking account.

Sienna Miller has cum full circle and I don't like it. You know, I was fine with Sienna Miller giving Jude Law's penis an encore. Sometimes, a slut's vagina just needs to reminiscence with old friends. This, I understand. But Sienna isn't keeping it at that. No, The Sun claims Sienna is about to make Jude her live-in dick. Why must the master slut shame us so?!

Some source explained it like this: "Last week they put the wheels in motion to live together again. They have told staff that they are in love and will be moving back to London in the spring and they will be living together as a couple once again."

What makes this especially hurtful is that Jude didn't know if he was ready to make Sienna his full-time fuck partner again. Sienna CONVINCED him. Thinking about Sienna on her knees, using her mouth to beg Jude to move in with her instead of using her mouth to lick on his peen lips is like a karate chop to my soul.

How is Sienna's bull dozer vagina going to destroy happy homes when she's got a b-b-b-b-b-b-boyfriend under her roof?! Sienna, think of your reputation.

Jersey Shore won't be the only reality show this winter that will make you want go to confession and dip your genitals in a bowl of holy water. Starting January 3rd, Vh1 is rolling out The Enterainer's (of I Love New York & I Love Money) own reality dating show called....Frank the Entertainer In A Basement Affair. Yes, this motherfucker is called A BASEMENT AFFAIR! Solange (aka Basement Baby) better be ringing all the alarms over this mess. They are infringing on her copyright! While I search the PennySaver for a lawyer who will work for moth balls, read the show's description:

Fifteen beautiful women traveled to New York for Frank, only to find out that they won’t be living in the elaborate mansion they expected – they will be living in Frank’s parents’ house! Outspoken Mom Susan and Dad Gary are so desperate to have 32-year-old Frank move out of their basement that they have decided to make finding Frank love a family affair.

The girls will have to compete for Frank’s love, and follow Mom and Dad’s house rules if they want to stay in the house. Each week at elimination, Frank will give the ladies keys to his basement, and those locked out will have to pack up, and move out.

Vh1 doesn't even have a barrel to scrape from anymore. Remember the golden days of Vh1 when a tramp could hold her head up high after being cast in Flavor of Love 2? The local strip club would throw her a pussy parade and she'd get the official key to the city's free clinic? The hos of A Basement Affair won't even get a complimentary side of cole slaw at Denny's! Sigh.

That being said, my Tivo will be hugging this show. I mean, how can I say no to these 5 lovelies below? The first lady below is Ann. I think she can stumbled into the basement on accident while making her way to a knitting circle.

The Real Broke Housewives of Atlanta's very own Kim Zolciak was already snubbed by the wig-hating Grammy voters, and today Ellen Degeneres pulled the plug on her TV performance! When it rains hate, it pours hate (keep raining)!

Kim even pressed and starched her wig for the occasion! Poor bitch. My guess is that the FCC forced Ellen to crash Kim's party, because they knew her performance would cause the mass suicide of millions of ear drums.

If you ask Kim about what went down, she'll just say it was a "HA HA" joke. This is what she Twittered after the performance:

Calm down you guys, I did perform and its on her website...Relax have a little humor....

But is it considered a joke if you're the only one laughing and security promptly escorts you to your Hertz rent-a-car?

You know what, though? Kim was right. Ellen did post Kim's full performance on her website. Click here to watch it. And if you do watch it, you should probably keep this number close by just in case.

Marilyn Manson recently released a music video where he beat and murdered an Evan Rachel Wood look-alike. Well, that must have made filled Evan Rachel's heart with rainbows and pink kittens, because she has gone back to him. Yes, Evan went from Marilyn Manson to Shane West to Alexander Skarsgard and back to Brian Hugh Warner for an encore. There's something wrong with that equation.

In an interview with Metal Hammer (via ONTD), Marilyn bragged that he's back with Evan, “I think I’m not afraid to be me. Sometimes it happens when you get to this point in your career, and there are so many things that have happened and influences that you’ve had, besides the influences of the things that have inspired you. Sometimes you feel awkward being what you’re best at, you feel like you have to be something new. But I think that a lot of people will agree that me being me at my best is what I need to be. I think that that really paid off because I’m back with Evan, that’s kind of breaking news, you can be the first one to say that.”

Marilyn either eats snatch like it's pie, or he cums pie. OR BOTH! Because Evan is always running back to him like he's the only creature on Planet Earth that can make her pussy barf in ecstasy. That still isn't a good enough reason. Somebody needs to tell Evan that the vagina should always move forward, not backwards onto a peen you've already hit! Especially a peen that belongs to Marilyn Manson. Bitch needs a friend!

A couple of weeks ago, Anthony Michael Hall's ex-girlfriend Diana Falzone took out a restraining order against him after he allegedly bashed her head into a wall. Diana said that AMH was definitely drunk at the time and might have been off the meds he takes for his bi-polar disorder. AMH's denied that allegations.

Page Six got a hold of the police report and published more details from that night. According to the report. AMH "bit his girlfriend's forehead" and "pushed, shoved, and spit at her." Officers arrived at Diana's Midtown Manhattan apartment and escorted AMH out of the building. He was briefly questioned, but he's currently not under investigation.

Every single police officer and detective at Midtown North precinct house must be serious "The Geek" fans, because why wouldn't they be investigating his ass?

If this is true, then Cesar Milan needs to put AMH into the submissive position and muzzle his mouth so he can drag him down to the Dog Psychology Center for rehabilitation. Yes, I watched a lot of The Dog Whisperer this weekend.