I Can't With You
Because Chad Kroeger and Carly Rae Jepsen were unavailable, Canada gave the Diamond Jubilee Medal to the last Canadian on this planet who deserves any kind of medal. CTV News says that the Diamond Jubilee Medal is given to Canadians "who have made a significant contribution to a particular province, territory, region or community within Canada, or an achievement abroad that brings credit to Canada." Giving that shit to Kon Kan would've been a better decision. Who was ever in charge of making this decision probably realized they made the worst decision ever when Justin Bieber showed up to the award ceremony looking like if Spanky from The Little Rascals was a character on The Boondocks. There's nothing worse than a cocky toddler in a backwards cap and overalls.
Justin's mother must've been scrubbing the skid marks out of his diaper leggings, because he wore some OshKosh B'Gosh overalls instead. I'm surprised the helmet of silver thread on Prime Minister Stephen Harper's head didn't melt from all of the #SWAG bombs that Justin dropped. And by "#SWAG bombs" I mean the poopies he dropped in his diaper during the ceremony.
Yes, Justin could've dressed up by wearing a tuxedo onesie from Babies 'R Us, but I'm more concerned about how this junior douche keeps putting on the worst in 90s fashions. We should close and lock the door to the 90s fashion vault before The Lesbeaver starts wearing shit from Cross Colours and SKIDS.
And I don't know if that yarn wig on Stephen Harper's head is a work of NO or a work of YES. I'm leaning toward the latter, because it looks like it was made by the same people who make the hair on the Baby Abuelita doll.
I don't like that it took two accusations of illegal boy boning, but I am glad that Elmo can't let out another nerve-killing, soul-butchering annoying cackle for now. Elmo is temporarily mute today, because his voice box has quit this bitch and is done fisting Muppets. After 28 years of being the voice of Elmo, Kevin Clash is no longer the voice of Elmo. Sesame Street released this statement to everyone today:
Sesame Workshop's mission is to harness the educational power of media to help all children the world over reach their highest potential. Kevin Clash has helped us achieve that mission for 28 years, and none of us, especially Kevin, want anything to divert our attention from our focus on serving as a leading educational organization. Unfortunately, the controversy surrounding Kevin's personal life has become a distraction that none of us want, and he has concluded that he can no longer be effective in his job and has resigned from Sesame Street. This is a sad day for Sesame Street.
Usually, when a dude resigns from his job while in the middle of a sexo escandalo, it means that more accusers are about to come forward and another one has. 30-something Cecil Singleton, the one on the right serving up some subway-style El Debarge-ness, has gone to TMZ and showed them on the Elmo doll where Elmo tickled him when he was 15. Cecil now joins Sheldon Stephens in The Elmo's Underage Pieces Club.
Sheldon allegedly got around $125,000 to go away, but Cecil wants around $5 million. Cecil is suing Kevin Clash for $5 million, because he says he "did not become aware that he had suffered adverse psychological and emotional effects from Kevin Clash's sexual acts and conduct until 2012."
In Cecil's lawsuit, he says that he met Kevin Clash on a gay phone chat line in 1993. Cecil was 15 at the time and Kevin was 32. The two met in person and Cecil says Kevin tried to gain his trust by taking him to fancy dinners and giving him money. Cecil says that he wasn't the only one and Kevin regularly had sex with teenage boys he met on the chat line.
This mess was already a come-to-life nightmare and now it's an even bigger come-to-life nightmare, and a lot has to do with 900 numbers from the 90s being brought up. I completely blocked out the tragic memory of lying to my mom when she asked my why there was $30 worth of 1-900 charges on her phone bill. To think, I could've told her that I was just having a G-rated conversation with Elmo. UGH!
I'm sure the next accuser is going to show all of us a face-less, shirtless picture that Elmo e-mailed him after meeting in an AOL chat room. I hate Elmo even more now. Put that sucio bitch in prison and make Grover the star of Sesame Street for once and for all.
UPDATE: Cecil Singleton's lawyer apparently made a typo on the documents. Cecil says he's currently 24 years old and not in his 30s. The alleged abuse happened in 2003, not 1993. Wait, so gay phone chat lines existed in 2003?!
(Picture of Cecil Singleton via MySpace, and no, I am not going to comment on his dewey peach hair color)
Thousands of people in the UK went through the following thought process while trying to see the American trash heap heffas that are the Kardashians at the launch of their hideous fashion line:
1. "Oh, I think I'll go to the Westfield London Shopping Centre to see a bunch of American whores!"
Now, you'd think that after that thought, they'd realize that they could waste hours of their lives on waiting to see the Kuntrashians or they could do something more useful like bleach their own assholes with a Clorox pen or put a coat of paint on their assholes and watch it slowly dry in a handheld mirror.
2. "Okay, I'm here, and wow, there's thousands of people in front of me and some waited overnight to see three pieces of trash who are about as talented as a popped pimple on a dog's ass."
At the point, they probably should've stopped and asked themselves if they really wanted to be grouped in with a bunch of crazy ass bitches who camped out overnight and slept on the ground to see the Kuntrashians at a damn mall.
3. "They've finally opened the doors and everyone's rushing in and some people are fainting from the excitement!"
That's when I'd just give up on life, lay down on the ground and let everyone stampede over me.
Seriously, the Daily Mail said that thousands of people waited hours to see three hams covered in bronzer. Who waits that long to see a Kardashian? Don't they know that it's really easy to see one of those talentless whores. Just a drop 12 inch black dildo in front of a camera and wait about 4 seconds for one of them to start humping it. I swear, the UK's Department of Mental Health missed an opportunity. They should've dropped a giant net on the crowd and dragged them all away.
Chris Brown tells MTV's This Is How I Made It (via UsWeekly) that a lot of people see him as the throbbing asshole boil that he truly is and he knows they might always think that, but he doesn't care, because he knows deep within the mound of Lucifer shit in his chest that he's doing what he can to be a better person.
"Having to get personal opinion back and having to gain personal success back. . . it's not all the way back, you know? But it's one of my most humbling experiences. I can't hate people for making judgment on me or making a decision of liking me or not liking me. All I can do is try to be better as a person, and I'm good with knowing everything isn't always going to be perfect."
No, Chris won't hate you if you think he's trash. He'll just break a bottle over your head, punch you in the face and call you a faggot. That's all. Let's see, Chris has thrown a chair through a window at Good Morning America, got into a fight with Wheelchair Jimmy, stole a girl's iPhone, dressed up like a terrorist for Halloween and rage whined on Twitter about everything. Yup, he's definitely showing us that he's a better person and he's not a rage-filled monster who needs to have a seat on Oprah's favorite frozen dildo. Keep up the good work, Fist!
Long before Eric Johnson's sole job was to wrap cooked corndog breading around his peen and let Jessica Simpson eat it off, he was a pro football player who was married to Keri Johnson. After Eric's NFL career ended and his marriage to Keri started circling the drain, he instantly won the gold digger lottery when Jessica Simpson decided she wanted to eat his big sausage pizza all day, every day. When life hands a gold digger lemons, that gold digger needs to turns those lemons in MONAAAAAY. The gold digger needs to focus on his mark and shoo away any coochies that may keep him away from his goal. But that's not what Eric Johnson's skeezy dumb ass did.
A source tells Radar that when Eric was with Jessica, he was still laying his peen on his ex-wife's vagine. Keri thought that their break would make their marriage stronger, but Eric was only interested in making his checking account stronger by humping on Jessica. The source thinks that he'll step out on Jessica again:
“He’s a two-timing cheat! He was still having sex with Keri after he started seeing Jessica. She needs to think twice before marrying him. He’s already cheated on her once — he’ll most likely do it again.”
Bitch better not do it again. That would be a terrible gold digger fail. If you blindfolded Jessica and made her sniff a can of Chicken of the Sea and a can of StarKist, she wouldn't smell the difference. That's a good thing for Eric, because Jessica will never be able to smell the difference between her cooch juices and some random cooch juices, but still. If it wasn't for Jessica, Eric probably would've had to drop out of Wharton, because he couldn't afford it and he'd be working as a stock boy at a sporting goods store. Eric has it good and in the wise words of RuPaul, "Don't fuck it up."
The zombie apocalypse is a real thing and it's suddenly entered a terrifying new phase, because zombies are so damn desperate that they're willing to put their mouths on the douche leather covering Danny Bonadouchie's face. The News Tribune says that Danny was in the middle of a fan meet-and-greet at a casino in Bow, Washington on Friday night when one of his fans decided that what would really make her time with him extra special is if they re-enacted the cheek butchering scene from Cape Fear.
Danny says that the fan asked him if she could kiss him on the cheek and after he gave a thumbs up to that, she sunk her teeth into his face like he was a ginger-glazed partridge straight out of the oven. Danny is usually so drunk and coked up that he can't feel his face, but he says that when that crazy bitch had her teeth in his skin, he felt things pop. So bitch must be sober for real.
Security eventually pulled the zombie off of Danny's face and he said that his first thought was that the ho must be high on bath salts. She was arrested, but Danny says that he's not pressing charges against her and he's not mad. Danny has a few bite marks on his cheek and they gave him some antibiotics, but he doesn't know yet if he's been turned out by a zombie. Scientists say that when a trick gets successfully zombie-fied, they slobber at the mouth uncontrollably, stumble into walls and lose all communication skills, and since Danny Bonaduce already acts like that all the time, we will never know the truth.
And the crazy zombie who bit Danny didn't need to be treated with antibiotics, but she did need to spend a few hours in the tank drying out since she instantly got drunk just from biting into his skin.
"She's pretty much Elizabeth Taylor reincarnated" is the line that came out of Grant Bowler's mouth in this behind-the-scenes shit for Lifetime's Liz & Dick and I can't believe those words came out of his talk hole without his family and loved ones showing up in the frame to calmly take his hand and walk him to rehab since he's obviously beyond high on the wrong stuff. After Grant spit up that butt corn of delusion, I totally expected to see a giant net fall over his body and for him to scream as two men in white coats dragged him to a waiting van, because he's talking CRAZY!
Does his ass even know what "reincarnated" means? Maybe he thinks it means that Lindsay Lohan has taken Elizabeth Taylor's image, butchered it until it's barely recognizable and then sold it in pieces at a carniceria in the valley, because if that's what he mean then he's making sense.
How can Grant say that mess of words when he's sitting there staring at Lindsay Lohan looking more like Elizabloat Taylor than Elizabeth Taylor. Whatever it is LiLo gave you to snort, Grant, stop it before more loads of crazy spew out of your mouth and before your nose looks like this:
It wasn't NOT funny!
(pic of Mr. Busted Coke Nose via DM)
There are two things Lil' Wayne hates the most. Lil' Wayne hates his arch nemesis Gizmo and he hates stupid ass questions lawyers put in his ears. The Gremlin of Louisiana is suing Quincy Jones' son Quincy Delightt Jones III (that name just made my ass lips pucker out pineapple juice) over a documentary about him. Lil' Wayne was all about the documentary for a while, but took several steps away from it after he felt it focused too much on the escandalosoness in his life. Lil' Wayne now hates the documentary and wants all of his music removed from it. So he threw a lawsuit at Young Quincy and during the deposition, he acted like he would rather be brushing his teeth than answering questions and that's saying a lot.
TMZ got a hold of the deposition tapes of Quincy's lawyer Pete Ross started asking a bunch of basic questions that could've been answered just by checking Lil' Wayne's Wiki page. Wayne answered almost every question with the smart side of his ass. Here's a piece of the not-give-a-fuck hilariousness Wayne threw at Pete Ross while sitting in front of a judge:
Pete Ross: (After playing a clip of Wayne's interview with Katie Couric) "Is that an interview that you actually gave with Katie Couric?"
Wayne: "Is that an interview I actually gave with Katie Couric? What's your name again?"
Pete Ross: (laughs) "That's not the question."
Wayne: (to his lawyer): "What's his name?"
Wayne's lawyer: "Pete Ross."
Wayne: "Pete Ross, that's a stupid ass question. You just saw me on there giving an interview with her."
It gets better and you should really watch the whole thing, because this mess is entertainment. Wayne keeps rolling his eyes, puts his head on the table and continues to not give three shits about the questions coming his way. At the end of the clip, Wayne kind of threatens Pete Ross by tipping his head toward the judge while saying, "He can't save you out there." When Pete Ross asks what does he mean by that, Wayne just says, "I was talking to myself."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THIS BITCH is trolling.
If I ever have a 13-year-old brat ass kid and that 13-year-old brat ass kid actually sits down to dinner and I asked him how his day was, the conversation would look a lot like this. Wayne is a stupid bag of douches and I would say I l-o-v-youknowtherest him for it, but if I said that, I'd probably find myself knocked up with his baby. You know how fertile his gremlin ass is.
Amanda Bynes' bumper car adventures are over...until she eventually puts on her favorite disguise (they call her Sneaky McCobijaFace) to carjack a Disney star and continue to toke her face off to terrorize the streets of Los Angeles in the name of her satanic overlords at Nickelodeon. (More on that Nickelodeon vs. Disney in a second.)
Bumper Car Mandy was driving through Burbank at around 9:30 yesterday morning when the cops pulled her over. TMZ doesn't say why they pulled her over, but I'm sure it had something to do with weed smoke pouring out of her exhaust pipe and screams coming from the bicyclist who clung to her hood after she hit him and kept on driving. The cops ran her drivers license, found out she's a menace to the streets and put her BMW in car jail.
Amanda's friends and families are probably concerned that her partner in terror, her black BMW, was ripped from her hands, because now that she REALLY has nothing to do, she's going to come over, smoke all of their good shit, hit on their refrigerators and have seriously intense conversations with their coffee table about how the refrigerator over there is a frigid bitch and refused to give her its number. But wait, TMZ says that Amanda is telling her friends that she's not fucking crazy in the brains and she's not a stoner. Amanda wasn't smoking weed in her car, she was smoking tobacco out of a one-hitter that is pretty much only used to smoke weed out of. Yes, this crazy bitch wants us all to believe that she was smoking tobacco. Bitch should've went all the way and said she was smoking oregano and inhaling oregano smoke, because she read in Gourmet Magazine that tacos from Baja Fresh taste so much better with a thick layer of oregano-infused farts on them. (Yes, this is your cue to bring up the image of Amanda Bynes farting on a Baja Fresh taco.)
And now for that Nickelodeon vs. Disney foolery. After Nickelodeon's greatest fuck-up got her car impounded, Disney's greatest fuck-up shaded her on Twitter with the above tweet of grand delusion. Let's see, Amanda Bynes got charged with 1 DUI and 2 hit-and-runs, and her case hasn't been heard by a judge yet, so she's never been convicted of anything yet. Lindsay Lohan has been convicted of DUI, has at least a million probation violations, is a certified jewel thief and almost murdered a kid in a stroller. And the amount of time it took me to write that last sentence is twice as long as the total amount of time Lindsay Lohan has spent in a jail cell.
I'm just going to go ahead and assume that LiLo queefed out that tweet as a distraction. Everybody was too busy laughing at that insane tweet that they didn't notice LiLo breaking into the impound lot and sneaking into Amanda's BMW to vacuum up all the weed crumbs in there. Well played, you dumb bitch.
Or maybe this is just the first shot fired in the Nickelodeon vs. Disney war. Spongebob and Mickey better Vaseline up their faces and sharpen their shanks, because the battle has begun. I'm sure President Obama will hold an emergency press conference to state where he stands in this highly important national war.
If you hid under tables at restaurants to snatch designer bags off the floor from unsuspecting hos, never returned the laptop you "borrowed" from Chateau Marmont and faked walking pneumonia so the studio that was dumb enough to hire you puts you on a private jet, you too could have a janky Birkin bag, a janky laptop and sit in janky jet (with dirty, cum-stained and dried vomit covered seats) like Lindsay Lohan!
LiLo tweeted this tweet of inspiration today and I know it has moved
a bowel movement out of you. So the next time you're on your knees, giving a beej to a rich john for money to buy a Chanel knock-off, reach for the stars and by that I mean reach for the Rolex around his wrist and slip it off without him knowing it. You can thank LiLo's tweet for pushing you toward your life goals.
And here's everyone's new life coach carrying that Birkin bag while walking into her hotel in NYC today. If you put your head out your window and listen closely, you can hear a bitch screaming, "That's my fucking missing Birkin!"