I Can't With You

Your bubble has been popped, because Lindsay Lohan will come skipping out of her jail room at Lynwood tonight. White Oprah is chopping up the "welcome home" lines as I type this. The court also better give White Oprah and Blohan a few extra lines for wasting their precious time!

TMZ says that LiLo's lawyer appealed Judge's Fox decision to send her ass to jail for 30 days without bail for violating her probation by failing two drug tests. Judge Patricia Schnegg, the Assistant Supervising Judge, shit on Judge's Fox decision and immediately set LiLo's bail at $300,000. Apparently, California law states that defendants in misdemeanor cases have the right to bail. Yeah, I don't know why the court is following something called rules when LiLo's crack ass doesn't.

Judge Patricia is also putting another SCRAM anklet on LiLo and ordered her to stay away from bars and clubs.

Another SCRAM anklet? Because it worked so well the first time. Every SCRAM anklet in L.A. County is probably doing "mi mi mi miiiiii" vocal exercises in case it gets slapped around that mess' ankle. They knew that if you're going to be LiLo's SCRAM anklet, you're going to do a lot of screaming.

And well, at least LiLo got another beautiful mug shot out of this. White Oprah's mantle will now look completely full thanks to LiLo's fourth mug shot. Brings a 100 proof tear to White Oprah's eye.

You know the tiny straw you're sucking on right now that is shoved into the hole of a Juicy Juice box? Well, that is the SOLE reason for why your prostate or clitoris clenches whenever you see someone of the same sex with hard nipples. And you thought you were just watching too much Bravo. Nope, that straw is like a dick full of homosexuality just waiting to fill your insides with THE GAY! This is what completely sane radio host Alex Jones thinks and it makes all kinds of sense to me!

Lately, I've been feeling that my gay tank just isn't filled to the top. I've tried everything. I've worn flip flops with my skinny jeans and even recited several lines from Romy & Michele's High School Reunion. Nothing. But now thanks to Alex Jones, I have the answer! All I have to do is line up a bunch of Apple & Eves and suck those bitches off one after the other until the rainbow-covered gayness comes galloping into my system at full steam!

Although, I don't want to go too wild! Because Alex says if that I drink too many juices boxes I'll start wearing short skirts and lipstick. Then I'll eventually get myself a baby and put together a garden of roses. And you know what will happen after that? Mel Gibson will tell me to blow him in the jacuzzi. Yeah, I don't want to go that far. I better monitor my Juicy Juice intake from now on so it keeps at the perfect level of gayness. Thanks, Alex!

via Videogum

If you're a soon-to-be bride who dreams of the man you're going to spend the rest of your life with lifting your veil at the altar before shouting "HARPO, WHO DIS WOMAN?", then this is the show that was tailor-made just for you! The Hollywood Reporter says that E! has swallowed a giant shot of The Swan, chased it with a bottle full of Bridezilla and barfed out a new show called Bridalplasty. America, pat yourself on the devil horns, because you've done it again!

Here's the description for this mess which sounds like a bridal shower co-hosted by Jocelyn Wildenstein and Heidi Montag:

Each week, a group of women competes head-to-head in such challenges as writing wedding vows and planning honeymoons. The winner receives the chance to choose a plastic surgery procedure from her "wish list." She's given the procedure immediately, and results are shown at the start of the following week's episode.

One by one, the women are voted out by their competitors and, according to the show's description, "possibly walking away with nothing and losing [their] chance to be the perfect bride."

The last bride standing will receive a "dream wedding," where she will reveal her new appearance to friends, family and the groom. "Viewers will witness his emotional and possibly shocked reaction as they stand at the altar and he lifts her veil to see her for the first time following her extreme plastic surgery," E! said.

Celebrity surgeon Terry Dubrow (Fox's infamous "The Swan") will lend his expertise to the procedures, and celebrity bride Shanna Moakler (wife of Blink-182's Travis Barker) will host.

Giuliana Rancic executive produces the show, as do Mark Cronin and Cris Abrego of 51 Minds, the company behind VH1's "The Surreal Life" and "Rock of Love" franchises.

HAHAHAHAHA! You know at the end of every episode of The Swan when homegirl breaks down into tears of happiness because her low self-esteem has finally been buried by a mound of silicone, collagen and other non-biodegradable materials? Well, it's going to be like that except the tears are going to come from the groom and they won't be tears of happiness. The groom is going to eat his own eyes, because the woman he has fallen in love with now looks like a Julie Masking impersonator.

I really can't wait. I feel like I've already caught the bouquet (made out of the bride's old face).

The mansluts of Motley Crue were way ahead of their time. Long before the "Smell Yo Dick" method came along, Motley Crue went to great lengths to keep the skank cloud on their peens from wafting into their girlfriend's noses. Vince Neil tells Hustler (via Contact Music) that they would hide the rank scent of herp pus, wart scabs, snatch jelly and dried man chowder by rubbing egg burritos all over their crotches. Who ordered the egg and spoiled chorizo burrito? Just in time for breakfast! Bon appebarf!

Vince tells Hustler, "We were always fucking other chicks at the studio and backstage... We would take Tommy Lee's van to a restaurant called Noggles to buy these egg burritos and then rub them on our crotches to cover the smell of the girls we had just fucked. So our dicks smelled of eggs... We would tell our girlfriends, 'Oh, we dropped the burritos in our laps.' The girlfriends thought we were a bunch of clumsy slobs. We never thought about going into the restroom and just washing our dicks."

Why stick your dick under the faucet in the bathroom at Noggles when you can fuck a tortilla vagina filled with scrambled eggs! That's more fun! Stupid fucks! Unless Vince Neil was dating Jessica Simpson's brain twin, there's no way that she bought his shit story every time. I mean, why wasn't he wearing pants while eating a burrito? Why was there also an underline scent of rotten kipper boiling under the sun in a plastic tub full of clam juice?

Besides, I'm sure Vince's natural sex scent smells like scrambled eggs, hot sauce and sausage, so he wasted a delicious breakfast burrito. That's the saddest part.

Naomi Campbell could rip the hide off of the last living snow leopard and wear it to a Peta event, and I'd simply shrug while saying, "That's her way!" Naomi Campbell could bite into the froat of a blind homeless man thinking he looked at her the wrong way, and I still wouldn't even bother throwing half a side-eye at her. But this this THIS right here is some deplorable shit! This is a valid reason for the state to stamp Naomi's forehead with a giant red 5150! Somebody needs to put on a Hannibal Lecter mask (so she can't Cape Fear you in the cheek) and gently hug her with a Versace straitjacket. Naomi has finally gone too far.

During last night's Watch What Happens: Live, Naomi, who is supposedly a Real Housewives fan, called in to ask Teresa Giudice a question. The question was not: "Can you meet me at the nearest corner so I can introduce your face to my new spiked Blackberry?" And it also wasn't: "Can you donate some of your overgrown hairline to my tragic hairline situation?" No, Naomi said this to Teresa:

"How do you do it? You have four kids, you take care of your family, you cook and clean. I mean, you have no help at all. How do you do it?! You're a role model. It's like, you dress all your kids. They're always....it's amazing.

(Andy to Naomi: "You think she's a role model?") Yeah, she's a role model, a mother.... She's a business woman, she's cooking, she's cleaning, she's a wife.... You know, yeah. The real deal."

Of course, Naomi also told Andy that she "understood" when Neandertheresa shoved him to get to Prostitution Whore-ah at the reunion.

The poor tortured assistant who held up the phone up to Naomi's face during this bizarre conversation not only had to control the shakes in her hand, but she also had to swallow hard to keep the laughs from pouring out of her mouth.

In this case, CRAZY BITCHES should not stick together! Imagine if Bravo gave those two a reality show? They wouldn't tear each other's guts out. They would realize they are stronger together. Then they would recruit Kate Gosselin, Karl Lagerfeld and Michael Lohan and form a giant HUMAN CUNTIPEDE!

Yeah, we better keep Naomi and Teresa away from each other.

via UsWeekly

TLC has run out of BABIES!!!, little people, cupcakes and wedding dresses to throw at us, so now they are sending us a hurricane of WIVES!!! Okay, Sister Wives has a lot of babies in it, but it mostly focuses on some dork named Kody Brown (I rest my case) and his 3 (going on 4) wives in Utah.

While watching this mess of a preview, my first thought was that the Tina Yothers-looking wife at the 0:27 mark really knows how to wear a 90s nurse's smock. And then my second thought was that once Kate Gosselin's shows get taken out back, she's totally going to cross over into this shit by becoming Kody Brown's fifth wife.

Or maybe Jon Gosselin will become so hard up for a check that he's going to tuck it in and stick his titties out to become Kody's fifth wife. Yeah, that's probably how it's going to play out.

via The Awl

Obviously drawing inspiration from ANTM's raw meat episode (Ty Ty will be claiming this cover as her idea in 3..2..), Lady Gaga bares her beef curtains on the cover of Vogue Hommes Japan. Just throw some peppers, pico de gallo, onions and tomato on her ass and you've got yourself some fartjitas.

But seriously, bitch probably caught salmonella in the pussy, nipples and asshole for this mess. But Lady Caca will tell you that it's not HIGH EDGY ART unless you catch salmonella in the pussy.

Source: The Fame via ONTD

Prince Hot Ginge, the light of my everything, is receiving a load of hate from animal welfare organizations in the UK after this picture of him playing polo on an injured horse surfaced a few days ago. No, the horse did not suffer third degree burns from the fiery inferno of ecstasy that is Prince Hot Ginge's crotch. It was cut up in the side by his spurs! SJP weeps.

The Daily Mail says that during a match in July, PHG's horse suffered shank marks after he continually kicked the pony with his spurs. A witness says that he kept on playing while his poor horse bled, but a rep for St. James Palace claims he stopped hitting balls as soon as he spotted the injury. Players who overuse their spurs could receive a fine of up to £50,000. They will also receive a SADS look from their horse, which is THE WORST PUNISHMENT OF ALL.

Andrew Tyler of Animal Aid had this to say to the Daily Mail about PHG's alleged horse abuse. "Polo is a very rough activity that causes stress and injuries to horses. The use of spurs in such a fast-moving event is a vicious indulgence. Spurs are unnecessary for a competent rider and should not be used to punish a horse for the rider’s failure to gain advantage. Prince Harry comes from a background of hunting and shooting which is at odds with the vast majority of the British public." Other animal charities called him "cruel."

PHG and Prince William recently mourned the loss of their beloved polo horse Drizzle when she got sick during a game and passed away.

There's only one solution to this problem. The tortured horses must stop being abused, and Prince Hot Ginge must continue to play polo since it makes his nipple holes smack together in happiness. So I'm going to grab two beers from the cooler, open the emergency exit door and do the "I QUIT THIS BITCH" slide which will launch me over to England. Then I will grab the saddle off of PHG's pony and takes its place. It will be hard (ooooh, it will be hard), but it's the only way. Yes, I will lose every single match. And yes, I will sprain my neck from turning around to try to lick on PHG during the game, but it's a small price to pay. FREE THE HORSES (and free my no-no)!!!!

T.I. barely waved goodbye to a life filled with jacking off under fluorescent lights (there's nothing worse) and guess what he went out and did last night. The dumb dumb bitch got himself arrested last night after Los Angeles cops smelled a cloud of Bob Marley's sweet breath floating out of his Maybach on Sunset Blvd. When the cops searched the car, they didn't find marijuana, but they did find something that is classified as the bad shit.

TMZ says that the cops wouldn't say what they got their hands on, but TMZ has reason to believe it's either meth or ecstasy. T.I.'s gorgeous new wife Tiny was with him in the car, so the two were both arrested and thrown into a jail cell. T.I. just did 7 months in the chokey and he's currently on probation. Hit it, Antoine!

Tiny and T.I. were booked on felony possession. They bailed out earlier this morning.

T.I. is prettier than frosting on a hard dick, but the cells in his brain marked "STUPID ASS" must be running amok up in there. Does he just love the feeling of 2-count-thread prison sheets scratching the layers of skin off his body so much that he wants to go back? Is this T.I.'s way of pulling a "We must go back to the island" moment sponsored by Jack Shephard?

Didn't T.I. and Tiny learn anything from Parasite Hilton's moron moves? Smoke your shit at home and always hide your illegal narcotic of choice in your deepest orifice.

Brent McMahon, the RV dealership owner who is responsible for filling Taylor Lautner's eye basin with tears of anxiety, wants to settle their dispute by taking off their shirts and breaking into a sweat until all of their muscles are sore. That really sounds like the beginning of a recurring wet dream that sends tingles down to Tommy Girl's Scientolohole.

Taylor sued Brent McMahon's RV company last week after they failed to deliver his customized $300,000 movie trailer on time. Brent's lawyer told the Associated Press that Taylor is willing to settle the case for $40,000, but he has another idea. 47-year-old Brent has challenged 18-year-old Taylor to a push-up contest. Whoever wins gets the $40,000. Brent says he will donate his winnings to charity.

If Taylor doesn't accept the offer Brent and his lawyers will fight the case with a mighty fist.

Taylor has teenage lungs and sleeps walks into his home gym to do sleep push-ups in the middle of the night, so my guess is that somebody (possibilities: Brent himself, Brent's Twihard wife, etc..) is just looking for an excuse to see Jacob Black's ripply nalgas move up and down live and in person! I see you. Brent needs to stop and get in line behind Tommy Girl.