I Can't With You
If you stare at Jill E. Beans' "fuck my life right in the ass" face and then walk away from this post, you will have seen everything you need to see from Mimi's romantic Valentine's Night.
Besides Hallmark and some pre-school teachers, nobody loves holidays harder than Mimi does and Valentine's Day is no exception. Mimi shared pictures from her VD night with all her Twitter followers and that shit is almost as ridiculous as her episode of Cribs. Mimi started off by tweeting a picture of her and Nick Cannon kissing in front of the Empire State Building, and I'm sure it took 30 takes, 7 kissing choreographers and 4 lighting designers to get that picture right. It almost looks like they're trying to pass a giant Cheerio to each other with their mouths.
Then Mimi slipped into a bath full of Hello Kitty bubbles and luxuriated for hours. I like how the camera captured the exact moment when she was able to push a butterfly burp (aka a fart) out of her butt. I'm totally disappointed that she wasn't wearing a towel in the tub. Then Mimi and Nick broke into Central Park and got a carriage ride from a horse who was probably wondering why one of his relatives' tails was stuck on top of Mimi's head. Mimi stopped sharing right there, because the pictures of Nick Cannon jacking himself off while sitting on a unicorn horn dildo as she sings her greatest hits in the corner are sacred to her.
And there's not many things that are more romantic than making your assistant take pictures of you and your husband on a date so they can post them on Twitter.
After the Grammys on Sunday night, Patrick Carney, the Black Keys drummer, was coming out of a party and TMZ asked him what he thinks about Justin Bieber crying and whining about not getting one nomination. Patrick, who may or may not be the long-lost twin brother of Artie from Glee, said something like, "He's rich, right? Grammys are for, like, music, not for money ... and he's making a lot of money. He should be happy, I guess." Those are fighting words coming from a drummer who is underestimating the wrath of the Beliebers (smells like cold tit milk, expired banana yogurt and baby rage). Patrick better stay away from playgrounds, the ball pit at McDonald's, Chuck E. Cheeses and the Belieber Ward of every mental hospital, because as soon as the Beliebers learn how to walk, they're coming for him. Because their evil overlord has put out a slap hit on Patrick:
You know who really needs to be slapped around? Justin Bieber's junior douche ass. ("I'll do it! I'll do it!" - Usher) Justin needs to get his iPhone slapped out of his paw, because in almost every picture he posts of himself on Instagram, he looks like a bottom bitch who's trying to decide on if letting out a wet fart is going to totally kill the mood or re-lube his b-hole. That's my signature look.
Above is Jennifer Love Hewitt popping the Vajazzle gems off of her crotch while singing "I'm A Woman" in a promo for the new season of The Client List. Below is singer Miguel putting an imaginary condom on his imaginary 12" dick before hitting an imaginary trick from the back in front of a bunch of people who are probably wondering what in "mime act gone wrong" hell are they watching.
If you only had to watch one, let me help you by asking you a question. Would you rather watch Jennifer Love Hewitt try to retrain herself from tackling one of the back-up dancers and forcing him to propose to her or would you rather watch Miguel prove that some bottoms just shouldn't try to top.
I say go with Miguel, but you know it is missing something. I am really disappointed that Miguel didn't pull out his imaginary foot long, rip the imaginary condom off and then fap out an imaginary cum shot on the imaginary ass cheeks of his imaginary trick. Bitch needs to commit or keep his imaginary dick in his pants.
After Chris Brown and Frank Ocean battled to be the Queen of the Parking Space, The Difficult Brown used his hands to make this busted down, community college art class painting of Jesus and his back-up cross hangers. Fist Brown posted his painting on Instagram and added the note: "Painting the way I feel today. Focus on what matters!" By the look of this painting, I'm guessing what really matters to Chris Brown is man abs, because DAMN he spent a lot of time with Jesus' rock hard ab biscuits and V muscle. Jesus take the ab wheel! But couldn't Jesus stop doing ab crunches for a minute so that he could dye his beard to match his hair? How are you going to spread the good word with a beard that is several shades lighter than your hair? Jesus would never work the two-tone look so this painting is a FRAUD!
While The Difficult Brown is off comparing himself to Jesus, the New York Post says that Frank Ocean is thinking about pressing charges against him. Frank still claims that Fist Brown threw the first punch that started the brawl. The L.A. County Sheriff's Department says that Chris Brown hasn't been hit with charges yet, but they are investigating. TMZ says that Fist Brown wants to talk to the police with his lawyer, because he claims he never hit anyone. The fight apparently started in the parking lot and then moved to the lobby where Chris Brown's dudes and Frank Ocean's dudes wrecked the whole place up. The surveillance footage from the lobby fight shows Team Breezy and Team Ocean creating waves in the lobby (Get it, because breezy + ocean = waves? Leave me alone, it's early!), but the video never shows Chris or Frank throwing a punch. There's no surveillance footage from the parking lot, so nobody knows who started it.
Chris Brown's lawyer should argue that his client could never throw a punch at Frank, because Frank doesn't have a vagina and tits. A valid argument! Not guilty! All charges dropped! But seriously, all of this over a stupid ass parking space? Everybody involved needs to have their licenses revoked and should be forced to take the bus from now on, because they are not worthy of any parking space. Slapping a trick over a parking space is just some dumb shit. When somebody steals your parking space, this is how you handle it:
Learn from Evelyn Couch. TOWANDA!
Cameron Diaz is single, hops from dude to dude and spends her money on booze, pussy lube, booze, pussy lube, booze, pussy lube and booze that doubles as pussy lube. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we don't see any problems with this. But I guess Cameron Diaz wants to grow as a person or whatever, so she's asked GOOPY Paltrow to be her life coach, because if anybody knows how to rid the shit from your life, it's her. GOOPY Paltrow is practically a human colonic. Also, when you ask GOOPY to be your life coach, be prepared to escort "Fun" to your front door and hug it while saying, "Fun, I probably won't see you for a while, but it's been you. Try not to have too much YOU without me. Bye, girl."
The Sun says that Cameron thinks she's having some kind of mid-life crisis, so she asked GOOPY to sort her life out. GOOPY showed up to Cameron's house and after she poured all the booze into the sink and threw away all the bottles of pussy lube, she put a CLOSED sign over Cameron's sex parts. GOOPY banished the dick from Cameron's cooch for a full year. The source put the sad news like this:
“Gwyneth’s sorted out everything from finances to hooking her up with her trainer. She has also forced her to swear off sex for a year, saying men distract her focus.”
Having seen The Green Hornet, I know that Cameron makes a lot of bad decisions and maybe she should settle down a bit, but taking a sabbatical from peen for a whole year?! How in the hell is that going to help her to focus? That's going to make things worse. When Cameron is chanting with the Dalai Lama and GOOP in the mountains of Thailand, it's going to be really awkward when she stops OM-ing to ask one of the monks if he wants to go behind a rock for a quickie since she hasn't been laid in 6 months and her coochie has gone into starvation mode. When Cameron is training with Tracy Anderson, it's going to really ruin their workout when she starts humping one of Tracy's arms since Tracy's arm looks like an extra veiny dick shaft. Any doctor will tell you that quitting dick cold turkey is not recommended. You have to wean off the peen.
Just look at me, I have involuntarily quit the dick and it took me 20 minutes to write that last sentence, because I was too distracted with window shopping for uncut peen on Google Images.
Here's a picture that Lindsay Lohan Instagrammed of her scissoring her nose as her latest stalking victim Max George screams for help while his ankle is shackled to the bed. Or maybe that's one of LiLo's demons showing itself. LiLo's demon would wear a hoodie from American Apparel.
Even though Charlie Sheen gave LiLo $100,000 and she supposedly gets paid thousands of dollars to give lazy hand jobs to rich men, she still owes the IRS a mountain of cash and if you looked inside the ash tray in your car, you'd find more money than she has in her checking account. So you'd think that when someone waves a half a million dollar check at her, she'd grab it and head directly for the nearest check cashing place. But TMZ says that the producers of Dancing with the Stars did wave a half million dollar check at her and bitch turned it down, because she wants nothing to do with reality TV.
A source says that the producers of Dancing with the Has-Beens have been at LiLo for a while. Their offer got bigger and bigger and bigger, and they stopped at $550,000, which she said no to. The source says that LiLo thinks she can still make movies and so she's staying away from reality TV.
If this is true, then Lindsay Lohan has once again certified herself as a bona fide dumb bitch for queefing on easy money. All she would have to do is smoke a cigarette in the middle of the stage while her partner danced around her. Bitch wouldn't even have to show up to rehearsals and she wouldn't even have to stand upright long enough to do the first cha in the Cha Cha Cha. Since America's favorite spectator sport is watching slow moving car crashes, she'd be voted through every week and probably win the whole thing. Shit, Melissa Rycroft won for doing a lot less.
But this story smells like a red plastic party cup full of cigarette butts, so I'm sure White Oprah made it up to make it look like LiLo is getting and turning down huge offers. DWTS would probably offer Lennay Kekua $550,000 before they offered Lindsay Lohan $550,000. On a related note, where do I sign the petition begging the producers of DWTS to get Lennay Kekua?
Mark Salling, who plays singing man slut Puck on Glee, has been sued by his ex-girlfriend Roxanne Gorzela for allegedly forcing her to do it bareback-style even though she told him to wrap a condom around his peen. Roxanne also claims that when she later went to his house to tell him that she's afraid of possibly getting STDs from his bareback slut ass, he grabbed her and pushed her to the ground. I don't even want to know what song Puck would sing if that scene happened on Glee.
TMZ says that Roxanne started dating Mark in September 2010 and sometime in March 2011, they started making their way to Fuck Town and she was into it as long as he put on a condom. Mark ignored her and put it in without wrapping it up first. Roxanne says that she told him to pull out, but he did the opposite. About a month later, Roxanne showed up to Mark's house, because she wanted to let him know that she was stressing out about getting diseases. While a different girl was in his bed, Roxanne asked Mark if he was really STD-free. Instead of pulling out his test results from his ass crack (tip: everyone should keep their test results rolled up between their ass crack, because you never know), Mark grabbed at Roxanne all violent-like and shoved her to the ground. There's pictures of Roxanne's bruises on TMZ. Roxanne immediately went to the police station afterwards to file a police report.
Roxanne is suing for damages.
Mark's publicist Janice Lee piped in with this lovely statement:
"There is no truth to this. It's the textbook case of a disgruntled girl looking to cash in on a TV star's success. We turn the rest over to Mark's attorneys and have no further comment."
You know, it's kind of hard to take Janice Lee seriously when she calls Puck from Glee a "TV star."
I promise that this will be my last 2013 Golden Globes post of the year (no, it won't be) and after this we shall never speak of the 2013 Golden Globes again (yes, we will), but how can I not post about the only reason why the 2013 Golden Globes happened in the first place? The 2013 Golden Globes only existed to pay tribute to the greatest singing and acting talent of this and every other generation!
Of course, Anne Hathaway won Best Supporting Actress for Les Miserables and after she burped out a "blergh," she said, "Oh my gosh, this is happening." Bitch, stop. Don't act like you didn't build a replica of the Golden Globes stage in your spare room just so you could practice your acceptance speech for weeks beforehand. Anne totally screened her speech for test audiences and asked them if she should keep in the line, "Thank you for this lovely blunt object that I will forevermore use as a weapon against self doubt." They voted to keep that line in, obviously. Anne continued to blabber on and she went overtime, but she wasn't done yet.
In the clip above, Les Miserables is named the Best Comedy Or Musical (Note: Les Miserables qualified as a comedy and a musical thanks to Russell Crowe's singing) of the year and before the movie's producer can even start his speech, Anne hijacks the mic and mouth farts out all the names of hos she forgot to thank. Anne looked so nervous, crazed and anxious when she hopped on the mic that I thought she was going to scream, "He's wearing a bomb! Everybody run!" But it was a different kind of emergency. Anne just needed to thank more people. That's all.
After the show ended, Anne jumped back on the mic and continued to thank people while the crew struck the set and moved all the chairs out of the ballroom. The crew then picked up the part of the stage that Anne was on and moved it to the back of a truck as she kept thanking people. That truck is now somewhere between Los Angeles and Barstow, and Anne is still on it, thanking people.
Here's Anne, wearing a lovely dildo cozy, while posing with some of her Les Miserables castmates last night.
Yesterday, The New York Daily News published an EXCLUSIVO interview with White Oprah where she said that Lindsay Lohan gained her amazing ability to fuck up constantly by watching her ass wart of a father abuse her mother. It was just another feel good family story from the Lohans! As White Oprah cried into a check from the NYDN that read, "Pay To The Order Of: White Oprah Memo: EXCLUSIVO interview," she told them that she decided to come out about being abused and raped by Michael Lohan after Lindsay Lohan told her to. LiLo told White Oprah that she must tell her story after seeing a picture of her with a welt on her eye, and now Entertainment Tonight has magically gotten a hold of that picture.
ET has an entire gallery of pictures of White Oprah's vintage bruised up face throughout the years. Michael Lohan still claims that he never beat up White Oprah and he claims that she got the bruise in the picture above after he defended himself from her attacking him with an ice tray. "She attacked me with an ice tray" is the new "she ran into my fist." I'm sure it won't be long before Michael Lohan sells a picture of the ice tray White Oprah attacked with him with to The Insider.
Two quick things: a young White Oprah looks like what The Curious Case of Ali Lohan would've looked like in her 20s if her shit parents didn't replace her innocence and youth with silicone and diet pills. And before Lindsay Lohan's shit parents watered her daily with liquid meth and milk of delusion, she was an adorable baby. An adorable baby who always had a look on her face like she was searching for the nearest exit. If only she found that exit.
Here's LiLo going to read Mother Goose stories to orphans in London last night (aka going to a club to drink her lips off).
Thousands Of One Direction Fans Are On Suicide Watch And It's All That Slut Tramp Taylor Swift's Fault!
It was just a few New Year's Eves ago when Taylor Swift was kissing her stuffed animal collection after a tea party rager in her life-size replica of Barbie's Victorian dream house and now here she is kissing an actual boy in the middle of Times Square. Nellie Oleson's long-lost slutty older sister dressed up like Bobby Trendy at a leather party to perform on Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve and afterwards she took her latest victim Harry Styles to the middle of Times Square and sucked on his face. All those times Taylor practiced kissing stuff with her own hand finally paid off!
But as Taylor sucked on Harry so hard that his bulging eyeballs nearly shot into the middle of his head, thousands of One Direction fans used the plastic spatula from their gender-neutral Easy Bake Ovens to try to cut their hurt feelings out of their bodies. The video of that man-trap whore in Holly Hobbie's body kissing on Harry Styles cut open the hearts of a thousand 1D shippers and they poured their blood all over Twitter and Tumblr. I spent a good chunk of last night reading all of the crazed Tumblr posts about this shit. I don't know what's more pathetic. Crazy girls threatening to cut themselves over Taylor kissing their curly-haired British prince or me, a grown adult (I haven't had a skid mark in my chonies for at least 24 hours, so that means I am TOTALLY a grown adult, thankyouverymuch), reading their insane rants while slurping on coconut ice cream soup. The latter is definitely more pathetic. I don't even know why I asked. Here's just some of the insanity those crazies spewed out on Tumblr:
I heard you’ve shared a kiss with Harry Styles and dating him as well. Well, congratulations. You just achieved what could probably be the most incredible thing every Harry girl dreamt of her whole life. You stole his heart and he stole yours, don’t waste it. Imagine how many Harry girls would want to be in your position right now. He’d rather spend time with you than tweet us. Please don’t break his heart and have inspiration to write another song. I’ve always looked up to you growing up, but after finding out what most of your songs were about, it broke me and now Harry is your new boyfriend, please don’t treat him in a song of trash like the rest. Not only will it hurt me, it will hurt Harry girls because I am one. On the day you plan to break up, put in mind how many directioners will be broken just seeing one of the people they look up to is hurt. If you both decide to be forever, I’ll respect it. If you both get married, I’ll be there to spread a smile. If you get pregnant and have his child, I’ll learn to love him/her if that’s what Harry and you want. I’m speaking for all those directioners who’ve learned to love and respect the most bittersweet of things like this. My final words: love is fragile. Be careful not to break his heart because it will break me too.
Just watched the kiss video and omg I’m sobbing right now they kissed forever and then hugged forever and kept going back to hugging and he was rubbing her back and I’m pretty sure he said “it’s alright” because I think a fan shouted something mean and oh my god tears no I hate haylor no make it stop he actually likes her HE ACTUALLY LIKES HER
I just saw the video of the Haylor kiss on New Years and I actually broke down into tears.
taylor swift was wearing harry’s jacket bye im gonna go jump off a cliff
but but…can you imagine Louis waking up from his party last night and seeing that haylor kissing picture and he slowly slides down the wall and when he gets to the floor he curls up because not only is he losing his best friend he’s lost his love…and im lighting myself on fire
If you replaced "Taylor" with "Kelly Taylor," "Harry" with "Dylan" and "Haylor" with "Dylly," that's pretty much what the rants I scribbled on lined paper looked like after that slut Kelly stole Dylan from Brenda.
But seriously, I really feel for those broken-hearted One Directioners, but I feel even more for the security guards and New York City policemen who had to stand in a sea of iPhones taking pictures of Taylor kissing her next #1 single. They did not graduate from the police academy for this shit.