I Can't With You
Meet 49-year-old Cathy Ward, a devout Twihard who is so devoted to her gods Edward, Bella and Jacob that she created a tattoo altar to them on her back. "Well, I guess it's missionary and front cowgirl for the rest of our marriage." - Cathy's husband of 18 years
Cathy, a bakery clerk from Reading, Berkshire in England, spent 22 hours of her time on a tattoo artist's table and £2,000 from her savings account to pay homage to CRAZY...and her idols. Cathy says that she owes everything to the Twilight characters since they helped her lose some chunk. You see, Cathy stopped licking cream off the cakes at work and instead made her own batch of coochie cream from reading all the books. Coochie cream must be loaded with fat cells, because Cathy dropped 14 dress sizes in only 6 months.
Cathy isn't done with Twittoo fuckery, either. Cathy is already making plans to get Edward inked onto her belly. Cathy explains to the Daily Mail, "I love Robert Pattinson. I want to tone up so I can get his character Edward Cullen on my stomach. The way I look at it I could be spending the money on going out drinking and eating but instead I'm spending it on something I am really passionate about. I have got a cross trainer, rowing machine and hand weights and I work out in my spare room which has got Twilight pictures all over the walls. I watch the films or listen to the soundtracks as I exercise. It has worked miracles. I have never been more positive, more outgoing, fit and never had so much fun in my life."
Doesn't it sort of look like Bella is rising out of Cathy's ass crack to kiss Edward? Do with that what you will. You know, I could sit here and waste key stroke after key stroke on judging Cathy's life choices, but I just can't do it. I mean, how can I throw hate at a woman who keeps a beautiful portrait of a ginger kitty over her mirror? Cathy obviously has impeccable taste.
To recap: Cathy has a beautiful portrait of a ginger kitty over her mirror. Your argument is invalid.
Vanity Fair is obviously trying to overtake Highlights as the #1 magazine of every pediatrician's office, because they have put the most famous lesbian toddler since Peppermint Patty on their cover! Something tells me this cover will be slobbered on more than Hugh Hefner's fiancee. The issue features a Bye Bye Bieber photo shoot as well as an interview sprinkled with quotes that remind all of us that he's only 16 going on 7. We all sounded like this at 16 when Vanity Fair interviewed us....
The Bieber goo goo and ga gas about how he should really be admitted into the nursery section of the nearest mental hospital, but he's okay with being crazy because most great musicians are (the great musicians of the world just violently shut the door to their clubhouse and padlocked that shit from the inside). Justin also admits that he suffers from insomnia and keeps the baby monitor in his nanny's room rocking all damn night. On to the Bieb:
On how a 5150 might be in his future: “I’m crazy, I’m nuts. Just the way my brain works. I’m not normal. I think differently—my mind is always racing. I’m just … nuts. But I think the best [musicians] probably are.”
On how he loves the voices of black artists but not because they're black artists: “Music is music, and I’m definitely influenced by Michael Jackson and Boyz II Men and people who were black artists—that’s what I like. But I like their voices and I like how they entertain—it’s not about what color they are.”
On how a trip to the nurse's office to lie down is not an option: “It’s hard to really balance myself. A regular kid, if he catches the flu, he just gets to go home. But I can’t do that…. Everything is important. But, you know, my sanity is important, too. Even if I’m angry, I’ll just put a smile on my face and fake it. I don’t often fake it—what’s me is me….I know I have to give up a lot of myself, or a lot of a private life.”
On how he's basically the main character in a Judy Blume novel: “I just turn over all night and think. My mind races. think about all the things I didn’t have time to think about during the day—like family and God and things that should be more important but you don’t have time to think about, because you just get caught up [in everything else] during the day.”
On how girls don't only like him because he's the biggest superstar in the world: “Not trying to be arrogant, but if I walked down the street and a girl saw me, she might take a look back because maybe I’m good-looking, right?”
You know, Vanity Fair should've saved the original Bieber for a supplement or something, and instead they should've done a cover story on 17-year-old Jamie Laou. Jamie is an Australian boy who has become Internet famous because he's basically Justin Bieber's doppelgayelle:
Yup, this just confirms what you've always known: the four horsemen don't wear helmets, they wear bowl cuts.
When you're doing illegal acts of NO with your underage boyfriend and he asks you why do you have a hair cape growing down in your "just for me" area, that's your cue to hand him your big girl business card and tell him to call you as soon as his balls drop and somebody lets him know about the birds and the bees. When your boyfriend still gets birthday cards from his pediatrician, you should probably roll out of his race car bed and keep walking. When your boyfriend tells you that you can't sleep over tonight because he's afraid you might steal his $20 from the Tooth Fairy, you should call up Chris Hansen and tell him to pick you up outside. This is why I CAN NOT with 18-year-old Selena Gomez for groping on 16-year-old Justin Bieber in the Caribbean over the weekend. Yes, he's 16, but he can still play an 8-year-old Hilary Swank in a movie and nobody would ask one question about it! That's some illegal shit!
A Belieber fresh out of the toddler asylum will suffocate Selena with their stuffed diaper for this staged mess and she doesn't even seem to mind. Selena, think about this when you're in the jacuzzi with Justin and he starts giggling after a floater pops up. Think about your life choices.
I swear, the Selena Kay Letourneau better be getting EVERYTHING in Justin's piggy bank for partaking in this awkward ridiculousness. Visit Just Jared if you need more of this in your life. Sucio fucks!
A video featuring a hooded man poking an extra-long stick at another dude with a piece of hard wood in his hand sounds like something that should make you Saran wrap your office chair and reach for the stamp wetter (a perfect lube substitute), but that is not the case here! This is surveillance footage from a Virginia convenience store of a battle between a robber wielding a huge ass stick and a store owner who used a hammer to defend his store. Robbery is usually no laughing matter, but come the fuck on! Who the hell does that dumb ass robber think he is? A fucking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? Fred Fucking Flinstone? Sticks belong in a ceramic vase in my old auntie's front hallway, not in the hands of a thieving thief who shops for shoes at Uline.
This clip really should be in black & white with a Benny Hill soundtrack and subtitles in an old timey font. Seriously, I kept waiting for a Keystone Kop to barge in with a cucumber in his hand.
Above is Kim Kardashian looking like a factory defected Real Doll that is a #1 seller among Sleestaks, and below are pictures of Gay Fish struttin' that ass into a studio in Los Angeles yesterday to take part in her new music video directed by Hype Williams. Yes, TMZ says that Gay Fish is going to fluff his gills and swish his sway in the video for Kim Kardashian's first single. WHY YE WHY?! Why do you make us cry by putting your hand on the gun that will shoot a load of vomit into all of our ear holes?! WHYYYY!
I mean, Kim's song will force Bobby Brown's doody bubble poppin' finger into retirement since it will be the new thing that lures a shit gurgle out of its hole. Does Gay Fish want to be a part of that (SPOILER ALERT: Yes, he does) ?! If Gay Fish's NOT RIGHT ass knows what's good, he'll Taylor Swift that bitch by turning off the auto-tune and yanking the mic out of her hand.
You have to hand it to Brittney Jones. This shameless bitch is grabbing on to the rumor that Ashton Kutcher sexed her up on his couch and is milking every last drop of that shit. That rumor's got cotton mouth and is spitting out lukewarm air like the dick hole of a chronic fapper, but she just keeps pulling shit out. Keep fucking that chicken, Brittney!
Ashton has already denied tapping Brittney's chocha with his douche bottle and even threatened to sue over it (he never did), but that hasn't stopped her from standing by her story and making some money off of it. Since even VH1 and E! think they are too good to give Ashton's supposed side piece a check and some air time, she has been forced to get creative for some fast cash. TMZ points us to this mess of an eBay listing created by Brittney. Bitch is seriously selling a sweater she says Ashton gave her.
This sweater was given to me after spending the night with Ashton. I no longer have any attachment to this sweater and I am hoping someone else will enjoy it.
So let's go over this. Brittney is selling a sweater she probably bought at Marshalls and spritzed with freshly gargled used douche water for that authentic scent. There's no Ashton pube on it, no jizz stain, nothing. Uh huh. This is just like the "Owned By A Silver Fox" thong that Mah Boo Anderson Cooper passed to me under the table during our romantic dinner at the Olive Garden. The best part is that Brittney's listing is already up to $9,100 with 11 bids (all fake I'm sure). Will somebody please tell Demi to stop cheating on Twitter with eBay?
Here's Ashton and Demi leaving a restaurant in L.A. this past weekend. No, Demi is not playing her own game of peek-a-poo with the paps, she's just afraid the drops of rain might melt her face. Her plastic surgeon is on holiday hours, so she can't be too careful.
Some people have screamed "FUCK YES!!" to that question and demanded that Duncan Hines remove the commercial from YouTube and think about their life choices for turning delicious cupcakes into drops of sugary racism (Mel Gibson just got hard). The commercial in question from director Josh Binder called "Hip Hop Cupcakes" shows a few vanilla cupcakes getting into blackface with the help of Duncan Hines' Amazing Glazes. Duncan Hines has since pulled the ad off of YouTube, but Eater has it up in case you haven't seen it for yourself.
And besides Duncan Hines pulling some Al Jolson shit, what the hell kind of beat boxing are those cupcakes doing? That sounds more like the Manhattan Transfer trying to cover Daft Punk with the help of a Jem keytar.
Darius McCrary (known as Eddie Winslow from Family Matters to you and me) has been ordered to stay at least 100 yards away from his ex-wife Karrine "Superhead" Steffans (known as the ass dust aficionado to you and me) after he allegedly choked her out and beat her with a belt in front of their 12-year-old son. Beat with a belt? How very abuelita-esque of Eddie.
Karrine is asking the judge to make the temporary restraining order she has against Eddie Winslow permanent, because she claims he brought the violence on her several times. Not only did he belt whip her last February, but she says he also choked and shoved her into a car outside of a hotel in Los Angeles last month. The two will go to court next week to hear the judge's decision.
Eddie Winslow and Superhead aren't strangers to filing restraining orders against each other. Eddie filed one against Superhead a year before they were married, because he says she slapped him in the face and attacked his car. Can't these two just stop beating on each other and remember the love they share for butt beads? When all else fails, think of the butt beads.
But Urkel deserves the blame for this. When Eddie Winslow stepped into the transformation chamber, stupid ass Urkel probably set it for "Chris Brown" instead of "responsible and polite citizen of the world." Yes, Urkel, you DID do that!
It looks like it's a new kind of cold in Hamburg, Germany, so of course Whoopi Goldberg is going to bundle up like you when some bitch in your office turns the AC all the way up. It doesn't totally bother me that she looks like the Harry Potter section of a mini-mall costume shop violently hugged her and refused to let go, but what is that ugly shit on her feet? It looks like an UGG throwing up a CROC, or vice versa.
It's fitting that Whoopi's shoelaces look like the devil's tampon string, because those things are a gift from the underworld.
Here's more of Whoopi and her Lucifer hooves at the opening of Sister Act in Hamburg.
Meet Joseph Guiso an Australian dude who married his 5-year-old labrador Honey at a park near their home in Toowoomba, QLD yesterday afternoon. While surrounded by their family and friends, Joseph and Honey were pronounced husband and wife by Father Hipster. You may now sniff the bride's ass.
Joseph tells The Chronicle that he is a religious person and felt guilty about living in sin with Honey so he decided they should seal their love in front of God. Joseph got in his knees, stared deeply into Honey's eyes, ignored the DNW expression plastered all over her face and said to her, "You’re my best friend and you make every part of my day better." Joseph also promised his family and friends that his relationship with Honey is made of pure love, but a jar of
peanut butter Vegamite is not involved. Basically, Joseph is not Monaghan-ing Honey. So he says.
There's two MAJOR wrong things with this wedding. No, it isn't that a dude is marrying a dog. Dogs have married a lot worse. One is that Honey has her eyes wide open for her first marital kiss with her husband. Maybe Honey isn't a romantic. If that's the case, this marriage is doomed to pop like her anal glands since Joseph obviously has romance running through his veins. Or maybe Honey's got her eyes out in case Joseph busts out the lipstick. That's Honey's cue to voluntarily check herself into the pound.
Secondly, this is Honey's big day and the bitch shows up wearing a wrinkled ass bed sheet. What kind of bride wears that busted shit?! Somewhere an Australian boy is missing his DIY superhero cape. How dreadful! This is exactly why Animal Planet needs a bridal show called Say Woof to the Dress.