I Can't With You

Michelle Duggar's overworked sweat shop uterus has been hyperventilating into a paper bag ever since she said that she's trying to have another baby, but now she's giving it some much-needed relief. The Duggars are expecting one new member this year and Michelle Duggar did say that her uterus is always open to carrying another fetus ("Speak for yourself, heffa" - Michelle Duggar's uterus), but she recently told People that they're also considering adoption. The Duggars will do whatever it takes to have a family that's bigger than the population of Guam.

Michelle says that her brain opened up to the idea of adoption when her family visited an orphanage in Beijing. They are getting on their knees, closing their eyes and asking God about it.

"We are open to the idea of adoption. We are praying about it, and we will see what God has in store. Love for children has been placed on our hearts. The kids are definitely pushing towards wanting us to open our home up to another child or more. They see how much we have been blessed with and how little so many children have and they want to share. We tell our children that would have to be something that is God's will for our family, and we will see if it is. Our children love children, and we all do.

We are open to whatever is in store. It doesn't really matter whether I would have another child or we would adopt, but we want to approach it with an open heart. We have friends that have adopted children who are a great influence in our lives, and we have talked about their experiences. So it's something we've considered. We have to know for sure that is what God wants for us to do. When he gives us a child [through pregnancy], there is no doubt in our minds that is what He wants, but when it comes to adoption, we would have to know for sure that was His will."

If there is a God, God will drop two tubs of spermicide, fifty boxes of diaphragms, 900 birth control pills and a thousand condoms on the Duggars when they ask God what they should do. Or better yet, God should just drop all the OctoKids on them. Actually, I don't mean that. I'd rather be raised by OctoCrazy than be raised by one of the Duggar daughters. I mean, at least Octo has good drugs and massive amounts of weed.

I'm sure that when you first heard Beyonce's new humble anthem "Bow Down/I Been On," the first thing you asked yourself was, "What does Rush Limbaugh think about this?" Or you might've asked yourself, "What does a shit stain on a piece of rest stop toilet paper think about this?" Same thing, really. Well, Rush Limbaugh never disappoints and the human Whoopee cushion of lukewarm farts expressed his thoughts about Beyonce's new song on his radio show the other day. But before we get to that mess...

One of the lyrics in Beyonce's ear-killing song goes:

I took some time to live my life
But don’t think I’m just his little wife
Don’t get it twisted, get it twisted
This my shit, bow down bitches

So basically, King B is telling us that she's back and we all need to get on our knees and blah blah blah blah... Well, Rush, who is always trollin', thinks that now that Beyonce has married a rich dude, she's gone against her female empowerment beliefs and is all about bowing down to her husband now. via Billboard:

"Beyoncé used to be the lead for a three-girl group called Destiny's Child. And their songs were attempts to inspire young women not to take any grief from men. Essentially don't take any grief. Don't let these guys walk all over you. Don't do this, don't do that, just walk away. You don't need to put up with that. She's done a 180. Beyonce, now having been married, having been impregnated and given birth to Blue Ivy, she's going out on a new tour. And they may as well call it the 'Bow Down B-I-ITCH Tour.' She's got a new song, 'Bow down, bitches,' a total 180. Beyoncé's now saying, 'go ahead and put up with it.' And you know why? I'll tell you why. She married the rich guy. She's even calling herself Mrs. Carter on the tour. She has shelved Beyonce. She's gonna call herself Mrs. Carter on the Bow Down Bitches Tour. That's the title of the single that's fronting the tour. And the advice to these women is put up with it. Bow down, b-i-itches. Because why? She got married. She married the rich guy. She now understands that it's worth it to bow down."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! Rush Limbaugh should give his analysis on every new song that comes out. Oxycontin has co-produced some batshit crazy thoughts, but this thought sits at the top of the list.

And here's Beyonce in a new ad for H&M, which is sponsoring her Mrs. Carter World Tour. Whatever, I'm sure Solange's ads for Filene's Basement will be way hotter than this shit.

The Hammaconda is living the life. It gets to hang out Jon Hamm all the time, it gets to get hand hugged by Jon Hamm regularly, it gets to go shopping, it gets to go to Hawaii and most important of all it gets to do all of that while not being suffocated in a pair of tight white chonies. But the evil, huge peen-hating executives at AMC (stands for A Motherfucking Cockhater) want to change all that. They're saying that Jon Hamm's free falling crotch snake has become distracting and they want him to put on some panties. They just won't let Jon Hamm's big dick be great. Cock blocking bitches.

A source tells the NYDN that Don Draper's pants have become a little more fitted this season, so there's nowhere for the Hammaconda to hide. The source says that when they shot in Hawaii and Jon Hamm had to wear tiny shorts, his cervix-cracking peen really came out to play and it made the whole crew giggle. They also had to Photoshop his bulge away in all of the promo posters for the new season. The source went on to say this shit:

“This season takes place in the 1960s, where the pants are very tight and leave little to the imagination. Jon’s impressive anatomy is so distracting that they politely insisted on underwear. His privates are the inside joke. [He] knows what he’s got.”

When the NYDN asked Jon Hamm's rep about this act of injustice against his big dick, they didn't laugh and said that everybody needs to grow up and stop acting like 12-year-olds.

“It is ridiculous and not really funny at all. I’d appreciate you taking the high road and not resorting to something childish like this that’s been blogged about 1,000 times.”

Oh, please. I'm sure Jon Hamm's rep has close-up pictures of the Hammaconda wallpapered on every wall of their powder room like the rest of us do. But really, AMC can try to tame Jon Hamm's Mt. Everest bulge, but it's not going to happen. They can bind it down, they can wrap a frozen condom around it and they can even show it a picture of Kim Kardashian's chocha to make it scurry between Jon Hamm's legs, but eventually it will rise above and be seen. What I'm saying is that Jon Hamm's huge dick has outgrown Mad Men and needs its own show.

Or the executives of AMC can just give Jon's schlong its own dressing room so it has somewhere to hang out while he's shooting scenes. And yes, that's your cue to put a sign that reads "The Hammaconda's Dressing Room" above your mouth.

During last night's episode of the History Channel's miniseries The Bible (which is about the actual bible and not about my own personal bible, Hollywood Wives by Jackie Collins), Glenn Beck and others tweeted about how the dude playing the Devil looked a little like a certain president. No, they didn't mean that he looks like a beard-less Abraham Lincoln as Emperor Palpatine. The certain president they were talking about is Obama. You know, I might see what Glenn Beck was trying to say if he illustrated his tweet with Barbies. This tweet definitely needed more Barbies and more Beck tears.

via NYDN

I guess nothing lulls Jim Bob Duggar to sleep like the soothing and sorrowful sound of Michelle Duggar's uterus sadly humming the melody to "Nobody Knows The Trouble I've Seen" to itself at night...... Because Michelle and Jim Bob are making her uterus even sadder by telling the world that they want to have yet another baby. Michelle's Battle of Normandy womb is probably temporarily speechless right now, so I'll speak for it by saying: WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!

The Duggar family announced on Monday that they're single-handedly single-vaginaedly helping the US to overtake China as the #1 most populated country in the world and Michelle told Radar that being a grandmother again is "wonderful," but she would really love to have another baby of her own. Michelle and Jim Bob's 19th child, Josie, was born with all kinds of health problems and she suffered a miscarriage a little over a year ago. Michelle tells Radar that she might be too old to have another child, but she's still trying.

“If God saw fit for us to receive another child we would love that and welcome that. Well, I’m 46 years old, and if this is the end for me being able to bear children then that is God’s timing. I will rejoice no matter where I find myself. Having grandchildren is like cream on the top of a wonderful sundae!”

We get it, Michelle Duggar, we get it. Michelle and Jim Bob like to fuck and they like to do it bareback style. But for the sake of her uterus, she should put a plug in Jim Bob's peen slit before she gets on that dick. I don't know how many times I've read about Michelle Duggar's uterus prolapsing. Every time her uterus tries to fall out, Jim Bob shoves it back in with his peen and tries to make another baby. If the Duggars really want to add to their hoarders pile of babies, they should just take a couple from OctoMom.

Holly Madison should've swallowed her entire supply of placenta pills before naming her daughter, because maybe those placenta pills would've cleared the cotton candy dust and unicorn farts from her head. Holly tells E! that she and her dude Pasquale Rotella have named their newborn baby girl (tip: you better take some E and blast some trance music into your ears if you really want to feel the name):

RAINBOW AURORA ROTELLA!

Oh wait, that doesn't seem right. Let me try that again. Holly and Pasquale named their daughter:

RAINBOW AURORA ROTELLA! 

There that's how her name was meant to be typed. So yeah, Holly tells E! that she named her daughter Rainbow Aurora, because there was a girl in her school named Rainbow and she always loved that name. This makes since Holly went to Care Bear Academy. Holly probably gave her kid the middle name Aurora, because Aurora is her favorite Disney princess.

Naming your kid Rainbow Aurora is only okay if you gave birth to a My Little Pony or if you really want your daughter to grow up to be a professional raver or a poodle groomer. Actually, since I put it that way, I think I like that messed up name. It speaks to me. It's beyond gay and beyond gay is always good. Raise your glow sticks high, Rainbow Aurora.

Because Anne Hathaway is off taking an extended vacation at Hedonism in Jamaica with her true love Oscar and at least one insufferable twat needs to work our last nerve at all times, Taylor Swift is still talking to magazines about the dumb shit that fills her brain on a daily basis. In case you didn't already know from the fact that Taylor Swift is a country mannequin robot who can't function unless a barely legal white boy is holding her hand, she tells InStyle UK (via DM) that at the age of 23, she is terrified of dying alone. The humorless Precious Moments figurine got all melodramatic when she spit this out to InStyle:

"What I worry about is that I never want to end up kind of a self-centred, vain human being (Ed. note: TOO LATE, BITCH!). My fears circle around me making the wrong choices and messing this up for myself. I don’t wanna end up being awful and intolerable (Ed. note: see ed. note above). Alone. Laying in a marble bathtub by myself, like sad, with a glass of wine just complaining that my life ended up alone because I pushed everyone away because I thought I was too good to hang out with anybody. The typical Hollywood sad cliché of the poor lonely starlet with no one because she put up all these walls and didn’t trust anyone. That’s my fear. And that’s why I live my life the way I live my life because I’d so much rather feel everything than end up like that."

If Taylor's life nightmare does come true and she does push everybody in her life away (by shaming their asses in a song, of course), then she'll have to push away a whole lot of people, because she says that she has at least 20 good girlfriends. She would.

"'I’m a girls’ girl. I have guy friends but the problem with having guy friends is, like, I always get linked to them and they’ll end up in a slideshow of people I’ve apparently dated on the internet. I mean, there’s all kinds of complicated things with having guys as friends. If they have a girlfriend who doesn’t like you or things like that. So I have like two or three guy friends. A select few. But I have like 20-25 really good girlfriends."

It takes me weeks upon weeks upon weeks to get together with just one good friend (and that's after both of us have canceled a million times), so I'd probably be as nuts as Taylor Swift if I had to go through that 25 times over. I already have to keep up with my own life, my dog's life, my family's life, the lives of all the dumb bitches on all the reality shit shows I watch and I'd also have to keep up with the lives of my 25 good friends?! Sweet Brown ain't got time for bronchitis and I ain't got time to deal with 25 good friends.

This is why Taylor Swift and I will always live on separate universes. She'd rather be surrounded by 25 good girlfriends and I'd rather be lying in a marble bathtub (read: an acrylic shower/tub combo) by myself with a glass of wine (read: a plastic tumbler full of that boxed wine from Target) in my hand.

Taylor thinks that becoming a regular Norma Desmond is a bad thing and that sounds like a dream to me.

Vanity Fair has already made my day by making Taylor Swift look like a confused bird in a wig on the cover of a Christian rock album circa  1995. The way that pictures goes with the words "My Syrian Hostage Ordeal" is way too perfect. It's a mess. The cover is good enough, but then Vanity Fair really took me up, up and away with what they put inside. It's Taylor Swift at her Taylor Swiftiest!

If you can only read one part of this interview, read this part:

As she sits drinking lavender lemonade in her “Tim Burton–Alice in Wonderland–pirate ship–Peter Pan” apartment, Swift continues....

That pretty much sums up Taylor Swift's entire life. (Throw in a bunch of boys in pajamas and it pretty much sums up Michael Jackson's life too. Hmmmm.)

In Vanity Fair's preview, Taylor gets into Tina Fey's joke at the Golden Globes and really gets into how she's portrayed as some dick-hungry crazy bitch who only writes musical slam pieces about her ex-boyfriends. Here's a few quotes and please read them while sipping lavender lemonade in your Tim Burton-Alice in Wonderland-pirate ship-Peter Pan cubicle:

On what she thinks about Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's mild ass joke about her at the Golden Globes: “You know, Katie Couric is one of my favorite people. Because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved, that said, ‘There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.’”

On how Conor Kennedy and Harry Styles are the only dudes she's dated since 2010: "....if you want some big revelation, since 2010 I have dated exactly two people."

On how the tabloids have turned her into boy-trap hussy harlot: “The fact that there are slide shows of a dozen guys that I either hugged on a red carpet or met for lunch or wrote a song with. . . it’s just kind of ridiculous. It’s why I have to avoid the tabloid part of our culture, because they turn you into a fictional character.”

On how you should celebrate her as the next Joni Mitchell and if you don't you're sexist piece of trash: “For a female to write about her feelings, and then be portrayed as some clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend in need of making you marry her and have kids with her, I think that’s taking something that potentially should be celebrated—a woman writing about her feelings in a confessional way—that’s taking it and turning it and twisting it into something that is frankly a little sexist.”

On how she shouldn't star in HGTV's new series House Hunters: Stalkers Edition, because she doesn't buy houses near all the dudes she's dated (FYI: Nancy Jo Sales later writes that Taylor did buy a house near Conor Kennedy.): “People say that about me, that I apparently buy houses near every boy I like—that’s a thing that I apparently do. If I like you I will apparently buy up the real-estate market just to freak you out so you leave me. One of these things I say to myself to calm myself down when I feel like it’s all too much . . . If there’s a pregnancy rumor, people will find out it’s not true when you wind up not being pregnant, like nine months from now, and if there’s a house rumor, they’ll find out it’s not true when you are actively not ever spotted at that house.”

Some humanized puddles of unflavored oatmeal just can't take a joke. Taylor Swift needs to walk the plank of her pirate ship apartment, because Tina Fey was helping her out. Tina Fey jokingly told her that she's been to the Island of Dudes several times, but she really needs to spend time at the Island of Her (which looks like the island of Neverland and is surrounded by a lavender lemonade ocean). That is good advice! But I shouldn't question the thinking of a true feminist who called Camilla Belle a slut in a song. Taylor Swift obviously is the authority on women helping women.

Taylor wouldn't talk about the details of her personal life to VF's Nancy Jo Sales, because why do it when you can have your friends do it for you? Taylor let one of her friends talk to Nancy Jo Sales about Harry Styles and the other dudes she's shared a lavender lemonade with:

Although one of Swift’s rules is that she doesn’t go into the personal details of any of her relationships, she authorized someone to discuss them with Sales. “He wore her down,” the source says of Styles, who allegedly “chased” Swift for a year. “He was all, like, ‘You’re amazing—I want to be with you. I want to do this.’” The relationship fell apart after he texted Swift to alert her of a picture on the Internet of him kissing a friend good-bye. They were “making out like with their hands all up in each other’s hair,” says the source. After Swift ended the relationship, he pursued her for the better part of a year until she finally took him back. “But the whole time she says she feels like he’s looking at every girl,” the source continues. And then when they were in London together he “disappears one night and after that it was like he just didn’t want to keep going.” Styles’s rep, Benny Tarantini at Columbia Records, said that all of Swift’s source’s claims are “undeniably false.”

“It was like a pendulum for her, swinging back and forth,” the source says of Swift’s exes, with all of whom age has been a problem. Conor Kennedy, 17 at the time, was “just like a two-month thing,” the source continues, and Swift “says he was awesome.” The source says, “She dated Jake [Gyllenhaal] and John [Mayer] when she was really young and they were in their 30s, and she got really hurt. So it was like ‘That hurt—this won’t. But then it did.’”

So to recap: Taylor Swift is sick of the media portraying her as the exact image her publicity team painted, she thinks women need to help her (with what, I'm not sure) and she won't whisper into your ear about her ex-boyfriends, but she'll let somebody else do it for her. Bitch is like the rich girl villain in a Sweet Valley High book.

And my guess that this "special place" in hell that Taylor is talking about is a Tim Burton-Alice in Wonderland-pirate ship-Peter Pan apartment where they only serve lavender lemonade and play Taylor Swift songs on a loop.

Allison Williams, who is best known for being Brian Williams' daughter and for playing Miranda on the reboot of Sex and the City called Girls, talked to The Los Angeles Times (via Gossip Cop) about getting into the acting game. Allison said that her parents wouldn't let her audition for stuff until she was out of college and watching Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls made her think that she was never going to make it since she didn't start acting when she was still in Pampers. Allison realized that it's not that kind of game and then said some seriously delusional shit about Jennifer Lawrence.

"When 'Mean Girls' came out, I just thought Lindsay Lohan was genius. I didn't understand how I could ever come close to that if they didn't let me start young. I've come to realize it's not a zero-sum game. When I see performances like Jennifer Lawrence's in 'Silver Linings Playbook,' I think, 'God, what a great role.' But maybe, just maybe, she watches 'Girls' and maybe, just maybe, she wishes she was on 'Girls.'"

So when Allison Williams, who should've been born in the 70s because she could've been the Breck Girl of all Breck Girls, is brushing her hair a hundred times while watching Girls, she's thinking about how Jennifer Lawrence might also be brushing her hair a hundred times while wishing that she was on Girls? Bitch needs to stop, drop and roll right out of here. Like Jennifer Lawrence really wants to piss on the train tracks and snot into a bath tub for a TV show on HBO! ......Actually, Jennifer Lawrence probably wants to do all those things and she'd do it for a fat j and a McDonald's cheeseburger.

In case you didn't already know from her 5,000 tweets about it, RiRi is back to boning on The Difficult Brown full-time and she tells Elle UK (via NYDN) that she wants to be with him forever and ever and she feels like they have a fresh new start. The "fresh new start" sounds like something straight out of a douche commercial and that's pretty fitting. When talking about her single "Stay," RiRi farted out something about how the song is about wanting to be with a bitch until the end and she definitely has that feeling for Chris Brown. It's safe that she was also definitely fucked up on the wrong shit when she said it:

"‘Stay' is a story about having love that close and wanting it to last forever. You don't have that feeling with everybody so when you have it you don't want to let go of it. I would definitely say that he is the one I have that kind of relationship with. What we want is a great friendship that's unbreakable. Now that we're adults we can do this right. We got a fresh start and I'm thankful for that.“I have my own reasons, very very private reasons [for taking him back]. Very personal. A lot of things. Bottom line is - I know him. I had a lot to think about and I had a lot of time to think about it. I was trying to do this for myself.”

RiRi then said that she definitely wants to pussy pop out a baby someday and she stopped herself from saying that she wants to make one with The Difficult Brown, because even that ho knows not to go THAT far.

"Shall I say this? I will probably have a kid. [Who'll be the father?] I can't tell you that. It's not my business. It's God's business."

God's business? So God is going to tell her coochie which dick to suck a load of baby batter from? Well, hopefully God points her in the direction of any dick that doesn't belong to Chris Brown. I don't know why she would want to have a baby with Chris Brown. Chris Brown is already a toddler and the worst kind of toddler. He gets pissed off at everything and instead of shitting himself while pounding his fists on the ground, he shits in your eye and then pounds his fists on your face. So why would she want to deal with two fist pounding toddlers at the same time?