I Can't With You

The Butterfarty Rainbow Hello Kitty Princess agreed to turn on the Christmas lights at the Westfield Mall in London, but she had a list of demands that made the organizers throw her a "How old are you again?" side-eye. Mimi's list included everything that a 6-year-old girl requests for her birthday party.

Basically, Mimi wanted them to Cornify her in real-life. Mimi's demands included:

20 white fluffy kittens
100 white doves to be released into the sky upon her entrance
Pink butterfly-shaped confetti to fall on her upon her entrance
A pink carpet instead of a red one
A Rolls Royce to drive her to the mall
80 security guards
A magical wand

Why couldn't she just use the magical wand that is stuck up her Hello Shitty? Anyway, the organizers managed to get a hold of everything but the white fluffy kittens. In the end, they were told that bringing kittens into the mall would not be possible due to health reasons. The mall said, "We do not allow pets into Westfield - that rule would apply for everyone." I guess that means Nick Cannon has to stay at home too.

If the organizers really want to make Mimi's soul explode, they would go above and beyond by getting her the elusive UNICORN CAT!!!!

It's well known that unicorn cats queef out white doves AND butterfly-shaped confetti, so the organizers would get everything in one.

I haven't seen one episode of MTV's Styl'd so I have no idea how crazy in the brains this Tara chick is, but I feel like everything I need to know about her is in the clip above. TVGasm says that this clip of Tara terrorizing her boss' condo is totally authentic and it didn't make the final cut of the show, because the producers thought it was "too weird." This is the same network that aired an entire season of Tila Tequila's A Shot At Love and THIS is too weird?

I'm sure most of us have wanted to mouth jizz into our boss' orange juice and masturbate a toilet with their toothbrush, but there is a time and a place for that kind of fuckery. The time being whenever there isn't a camera around! Seriously, who the hell is going to hire Tara when they know very well that she just might put her stank on their shit?

Tara, report to the back of the unemployment line and stay there!

If this picture of Anthony Michael Hall is making you want to round up all the scissors in the house and hide under the bed, then imagine staring at his scary face after he knocked down your apartment door in the early morning hours.

Page Six says that AMH's ex-girlfriend, Sirius Radio host Diana Falzone, was granted a temporary restraining order against him after he allegedly busted her in the head last week. In the police report, Diana says AMH tried to break her apartment door down by kicking it in. When Diana agreed to let him in, he bashed her head against the wall. Diana told police that they had dated for about a year, but were no longer together.

AMH suffers from bi-polar disorder, and has been known to freak out when he's not on his meds. A few years ago, AMH had a psychotic meltdown on the set of Dead Zone and he was hospitalized for a day. He was sued by the show's insurance company for not disclosing that his bi-polar condition.

A spokeswhore for AMH denies the allegations that he got violent with Diana, "All of the allegations are erroneous and will be addressed accordingly."

You think you know someone after watching them play an adorable nerd in and Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club and Weird Science. And then they go off and do something like this!

“In terms of the quality and consistency of the product, I would compare us to an In-N-Out. We hope to have the same type of following.” - The owner of Fresh-N-Fast, a new burger joint that opens in Manhattan later this month.

Somebody fuck me in the eye with a Double Double, because all I'm seeing here is a shanty clone of the beloved In-N-Out (aka the West Coast heaven). You cannot recreate perfection. It's like pulling a bottom tier stripper out of the beer room of a titty club off the highway and declaring her new the new Empress of Lucite just because you stuffed her feet into a pair of exquisite lucite heels. Okay, bad example.

The owner of Fresh-N-Fast (I can't with that name) even said they are putting together a "special sauce." Don't be surprised if they name it "mammal style."

The saddest part is that you know I'm going to "accidentally" stumble into this place one lonely night. I will shuffle up to the counter and say, "Don't tell me your real name. DON'T. Just tell me your name is In-N-Out. Lie to me. It'll make this easier." Then I'll throw my money down on the counter and devour that fraud in waxed paper while pretending it's the real thing. When I get home that night, I'll run to the shower and cry cry cry while the hot water tries to cleanse me of my cheating ways. Desperate times.....

Source: Grub Street

Lindsay Lohan was doing down-low sexy times with Heath Ledger right before he died. That's what White Oprah claims anyway in a yet another taped phone conversation released by the savior of all saviors Michael Lohan. White Oprah is always dropping those names. And the hits just keep coming out of Michael's swollen ass mouth.

Radar posted the conversation between White Oprah and Michael Lohan. As usual, you don't hear Michael's voice and the whole thing was probably edited using the 1999 version of Quicktime on a Mac Clamshell. In the clip, White Oprah burps that Heath Ledger's death really fucked her daughter up because they were dating at the time, "And she was dating Heath when he died. I don't know if you know that, but I know cause I would drop her off and they were friends very, very close, ok?"

White Oprah adds that she's scared that what happened to Heath Ledger could happen to LiLo, because she can't control herself around booze and Adderall. White Oprah also believes that LiLo can't quit her partner in pussy SamRo, because of her problems with addiction, "It's very easy for a rational person to say. But for an irrational person who has a problem with her DNA and alcohol and Adderall and asthma and every other things she's got wrong with her."

And there's a bit that Michael Lohan probably forgot to erase in post-edit, because he was too busy dry humping one of his turtlenecks (you know he has a turtleneck fetish). White Oprah said that whenever LiLo's at home with her, she's too scared to sleep by herself, "She cannot be alone. When she sleeps here she sleeps with me... she has fears from being little and what you did to us."

In the next tape, White Oprah will reveal that LiLo was making a record with Michael Jackson at the time of his death. Oh, and right before Billy Mays went off to the giant infomercial in the sky, she wants in talks to be the new face of OxiClean. You know, because she's such a fan of the Oxies.

What I want to know is, when is Dr. Drew going to produce a family version of Celebrity Rehab for the Lohans? They all need it. Well, all of them except for Nana Lohan. She's the silent voice of reason in this mess. I just picture her shaking her head while holding her glass of Metamucil.

One of Sammy Sosa's friends has come out to defend him after a picture of him looking like he's on step 3 of "Michael Jackson's Guide to Beauty" started making people talking. Rebecca Polihronis, a former Cubs employee who talks to Sosa all the time, told the Chicago Sun-Times that he's in the process of going through a laser treatment to his skin after spending years playing in the sun.

Rebecca said, "He's not trying to be Michael Jackson. He is going through a rejuvenation process for his skin. Women have it all of the time. He was surprised he came out looking so white. I thought it was a body double. Part of (the photo appearance) is just the lighting. He is in the middle of doing a cleansing process to his skin. The picture is deceiving. He said, 'If you saw me in person, you would be surprised. When you see me in person, it is not going to seem like the picture.' People who saw him in person did not react the same way. He can't believe it is such a big deal. He has always been concerned with the way he looks. Probably just bad timing going to an awards show."

REJUVENATION PROCESS?! Unless Sosa was born a baked potato, this "rejuvenation process" is not working. Get a refund. Seriously, I just want to throw a stick of butter and a tub of sour cream on him (hold the chives).

And what does Sammy have to say about those swap meet-bought lemur contacts in his eyes? Let me guess? Eyeball rejuvenation? Bitch should get brain rejuvenation while he's at it.

I shouldn't say that. If Sammy is okay with little children running for the nearest church after seeing him, then good for him.

Before you click play on the clip above, you should be warned that Miley Cyrus' voice can scrape off several layers of finish in just a few seconds, so you better move all your favorite pieces of wood furniture out of the room.

In Miley's song "Party in the USA," she screeches about hearing a Jay-Z song on the radio. So during an interview on Halloween night in Kentucky, she was asked what her favorite Jay-Z song is (at the 2:50 mark). Miley's answer? "Ah've nevah heard a Jay-Z song." She didn't write that song and only chose it because it went with her clothing line. Then Miley goes on to say that she doesn't listen to pop music. A few beats later, she chirps something about Britney Spears. Then she starts yammering about Janis Joplin.....

And then Jay-Z, Janis Joplin and Brit Brit busted in there to flick her in the teefs. Seriously, I think I saw two of her brain cells bust out of her ear holes. Were we all like that when we were her age (SPOILER ALERT: The answer is no)? No wonder we boozed until the toilet called mercy.

In 50 years, Miley will still be sitting on a folding chair backstage somewhere in Kentucky wearing a trampy Pocahontas outfit and terrorizing little kids. Except she'll have a ciggie hanging out of her mouth and a giant DRANK in her hand. Yes, Miley will totally be THAT Bingo lady.

VIA NY Mag's Vulture

People is saying that Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe's right hand bitch Taylor Jacobsen was pink-slipped this morning for reasons unknown.

Taylor had this to say on her Twitter page: “Today is an end of an era and a beginning of a new professional chapter. Looking forward to what the future brings…!!!”

Chupa issued this statement: "I lit-ter-ally DIED. Like I'm lit-ter-ally like dead buh-nanas. Like lit-ter-ally I'm dead. Like my heart lit-ter-ally shut it down. It's buh-nanas."

Oh, I'm going to miss that mega bitch Taylor. First of all, nobody can unpack a box like she can (that's a good quality in a person). Second of all, Taylor was the only real bitch around those parts. She rolled threw "fuck that shit" looks at just the right moments and always said exactly what was dancing on my tongue. For example, when Brad was queefing sequins about dressing Anne Hathaway on stage at the Oscars, Taylor said that she'd rather die than do that shit. EXACTLY. Taylor is way too good to be wasting her acts of bitchery on Chupa.

Remember the lady who taught us how to give our pussies a rub down? She has returned and this time she's brought a dog friend names Henry Wrinkler (!!!) with her. Yes, she's teaching us how to massage our dogs.

While watching this I started to take notes so that I can give my own dog a massage later on, but then I thought to myself, "Why in anal gland hell should I massage that ho?!" I mean, I already put food in his bowl every day. I even have to heat it up a little bit, because he likes it warm. AND I pick up his shit out in public while he secretly laughs at me. AND I'm even extra quiet in the morning while he's sleeping so I won't wake his lazy ass. AND now this lady is asking me to massage him?!

Where is the video that teaches dogs how to massage humans? I could use a massage. Better yet, if my dog learned how to massage people he could get licensed and then go out get himself a job. That way he could contribute to this household. Barking, burrowing and ass sniffing doesn't pay the bills (Ryan Gaycrest doesn't count).

And after all that ranting, you know I'll be massaging my dog's head tonight while singing him rhymey songs. A sucker IS me.

VIA Everything Is Terrible

VIA UsWeekly