Roseanne

America's future President is trying to make up for Roseanne's shit puddle of a final season by reuniting with John Goodman to make blue collar magic again. Deadline says that John Goodman (for some reason it feels wrong writing his first name only) is about to sign on to Roseanne's NBC sitcom pilot called Downwardly Mobile. Roseanne will play the keeper of a mobile home park who is like a mother to everyone who lives there and John Goodman will play one of her best friends, so sadly it doesn't look like they'll be bumping fupas on the small screen again.

This news is like an extra star on my blue terry cloth moon robe. (Note: Am I high again or did Roseanne wear a blue terry cloth moon robe in almost every episode? I can't find pictures of that shit.) Roseanne better keep the lottery out of this and she better find a place for Crystal Conner, because she's in need of a major comeback. And don't you miss the old days when Roseanne looked like Marilyn Whirlwind from Northern Exposure.

Unless Khia announces that she's running for President on the Bust A Nut Party's ticket, my vote goes to Roseanne who is promising us a change we can smoke up! Roseanne officially announced on Twitter last night that she has filed all of the paperwork to run for President as a Green Party candidate. If the Four Horsemen, locusts, false prophets and dead fish are allowed to vote, Roseanne will become President in 2012 and she says that she will legalize the good shit in every state, wipe away everybody's credit card debts and give us a European-style healthcare system. Roseanne had me checking her name on the ballot at "legalize the good shit." But Roseanne's promises do sound like some crap you'd read on a 14-year-old's "If I Were President" essay.

This is the statement she released to E! News about her latest STUNT QUEEN move:

"I am pleased to announce that I am seeking the Green Party's nomination for President of these United States of America. The Democrats and Republicans have proven that they are servants—bought and paid for by the 1%—who are not doing what's in the best interest of the American people. As a long time supporter of the Green Party, I look forward to working with people who share my values. Behold the greening of America!"

Roseanne is made of pure crazy, doesn't make sense a lot of the time and would probably use her powers as President to become a billionaire by forcing us to eat macadamia nuts daily for the next four years. Bitch will fit right in with the other candidates! And I really hope that she chooses Crystal Conner as her running mate.

It's that time of day where we venture on down to the subway caves and listen to the Pundit of Crazy's latest philosophy on life (bring ear plugs if you're not interested). This time around, Roseanne has some advice for bitches who just can't stop inhaling life's sweet nectar (Bev and Tom Arnold, listen up)!

Roseanne queefed to Heeb Magazine, "I HATE alcoholics and AA. If you can't drink responsibly, don't drink at all. Don't go to meetings, whine about your character flaws and blame the fact that you are a sociopath on booze."

Um, doesn't Roseanne know that people only go to AA meetings for the free donuts and to get a little ass?! AA is important! Here's my advice to Roseanne: DRINK MORE. And let's another serving of CRAZY for the road. This is what Roseanne had to say about Vegans:

"Vegans are all coke-sniffing, cigarette-smoking faux socialists who listen to music that has no melody at all, so fuck them."

VIA Page Six

Oh, look! It's a picture of Roseanne dressed up as Hitler in the new issue of Heeb Magazine. Eeesh. If this was anybody else, my eye balls would've already jumped out of their sockets and been on the next Chinatown bus to "Anywhere That Doesn't Have The Internets." But this is Roseanne. If you've spent two quick seconds on her blog, you'll know that she's a proud member of the "Y So Edgy" club. Roseanne's tongue is like a taser. I mean, look at this snippet from the article:

"As we wrap up the shoot, Barr puts her Swastika armband, one of the gingerbread victims and a Polaroid of herself in the costume in a Ziploc bag, making it look like evidence from some bizarre crime scene. She plans on bringing it to her 13-year-old son when she picks him up from school. 'Maybe this will make my kid like me,' she says with a sigh. "

And I think this picture has just become Tom Arnold's screen saver for everything.

VIA Buzzfeed