Hood Rat Stuff
Seen above walking through an airport in Lodz, Poland without a blouse on because toddlers get the coke sweats real bad, Justin Bieber is being investigated by the police in L.A. after he got into a messy screaming match with his neighbor outside of his mansion in Calabasas, CA at 9 this morning. The neighbor told the police that the thug chickenhawk got violent with him and threatened him.
TMZ says that The Lesbeater and his neighbor fought over one of his newest toys: a Ferrari. The Ferrari was delivered to Justin's house last night while he was traveling home from Europe and this morning he played with it by driving it up and down the street. The sound got on his neighbor's last nerve and he felt like Justin was endangering innocent lives by speeding down the street. The neighbor went over to Justin's house, got in his face and they started yelling at each other. The neighbor told police that Justin physically attacked him, but the Biebs denies it. A source says that Justin went inside and his security guards escorted the neighbor off of his property.
So, some brat with too much money is annoying everybody around him by being all loud while playing with his fancy toys? I've seen this movie before. It's called Blank Check. We need Tone Loc to step in and stop the madness.
And if I got into a screaming fight of words with Justin Bieber's tiny ass and he slapped me around and I didn't slap back, the last thing I'd do is tell the police. I wouldn't tell anyone. That's like admitting that a 3'10", 50lb girl named Amber grabbed you by the hair and dragged you back and forth across the playground in the third grade. (By the way, I'm not admitting that. Amber only dragged me by the hair across the playground once! Not back and forth!)
If you're impressed with this, you should see his reverse cowgirl (right, Ushrrr?). While giving us the thug lite version of Mary Stuart Masterson in Bad Girls, Justin Bieber went horseback riding with his friends in North Hollywood, CA yesterday afternoon. Doesn't it seem like it was just yesterday when he was riding a plastic horsey in front of a supermarket ("That's because he was doing that yesterday." - you) and here he is riding an actual big boy horse. They must put growing serum in sizzurp! Because....
TMZ says that there's new pictures making the rounds of The Lesbeaver smoking a joint and in some of those pictures there's a large bottle of codeine and a double cup of Lil Wayne's beverage of choice sizzurp (codeine, sodie pop and a Jolly Rancher) on the table. Bieber's sipping from the double cup in one of the pictures. A source type tells TMZ that Bieber doesn't ever get high on sizzurp, so there must've been something else in that double cup. But the other pictures do show the Biebs clearly sucking on the good shit. The source says that many people close to Biebs think that his friends, Lil Twist and Lil Za, are tainting his innocence and leading him into the hood rat stuff way of life.
Sizzurp, really? Justin Bieber probably overdoses and passes out when he sucks on a Hall's for too long, so I can only imagine what he's like when he takes a sip of sizzurp. A drunk toddler is not the look. I bet those motherfuckers don't even give him any sizzurp. They just give him a double cup of grape Fanta with a drop of baby Tylenol in it. He takes one sip and is like, "DAYUM, this shit is strong! I'm already fucked up!" Like they're really going to waste sizzurp on his lightweight ass.
And we have Vanilla Ice to blame for this, because this is Vanilla Ice all over again. Damn you, Vanilla Ice, for selling franchises of your life to Canada!
Here's more of the Biebs making faces like a first time bottom taking a nine incher while horseback riding yesterday.
LieLow better step up her fuck-up game, because Katt Williams is after her battered and bruised trophy. Just hours after he was released from jail for child endangerment charges, Katt hopped right back on the crazy train, hooked up with his manager Suge Knight and got his Keebler elf ass in a massive bar brawl. YES!!! THIS is how you celebrate the holidays RIGHT, bitches!
Actually, from the ass kicking video (a must see, along with his Target meltdown) you can see that Suge was the one who was throwing fists while Katt ran his ass behind a dumpster, as runt alley Katts are inclined to do when protecting the few lives they have left. Then Katt jumped in Suge's SUV and Suge tried to mow down a parking lot full of people.
In yet another TMZ video, a guy is claiming that the SUV DID run him over and he wants Katt to pay for all his medical shit because his sawed off ass is the one who started the whole thing. The guy limped up to the reporters and said:
"Katt Williams is a punk. You talk shit and run? You a punk .. You taking all that shit, and you talk about you all that, and you run? Because of you, I got hit by the car!"
What a fucking mess. Hanging with Suge though, surely Katt didn't expect to spend a lovely relaxing evening playing chess by the crackling fireplace while sipping Dom with his pinky extended. Dude doesn't exactly have a reputation for keeping things calm and sophisticated.
TMZ (thanks TMZ for the one-stop shopping) also has video and a write-up from last night where a fresh out of the pokey Katt explains that his guns were on lock down and the illegal drug the cops are smoking in the evidence room as we speak was just weed, and not the hard shit. Um, okay Katt. Weed makes you too lazy to slap and run over tricks, you just want to eat them instead. But I guess we'll take your word for it.
I don't know why I wasted my Christmas bonus on toys for my kids when I could have just gotten them a Katt instead. He's pocket sized and endlessly entertaining. Perfect. Thank you Katt, for making us all feel better about our lives and giving me something to write about besides Christina Hendricks's hair. I hope you get your shit together, but I still have love for you.
Normally when the Shakespearean word "cunt" pivots and leaps off of someone's tongue on live TV, I get all warm instead because I know that it will land on the ears of people who have never heard it before. And that's a beautiful thing. But this morning's cunt bomb on Today was bittersweet, because it came from a 13-year-old girl who is a possible accomplice to a brutal beating of another girl over text messages. And the girl didn't namedrop Heather Mills just once. Girl did it twice!
So yeah, a 13-year-old girl blows out the cunt word like they taught it to her in school (which they should) while talking about her involvement in a beating. Obviously, this girl was expelled from Latarian Milton's Hood Rat Stuff Academy, because she took doing bad things to a whole new scary level.
Why oh why couldn't this cunt bomb from a different 13-year-old girl? You know, I'm going to blame Meredith Vieira for this. She's the one who should've done the cunt bomb honors. It should've come out of her mouth! She knew it was coming and she should've taken care of it herself. Damn you, Meredith! And yes, that's my final answer.
via Gawker TV
When I was 2-years-old I was still licking windows and chewing on bed skirts (some things never change), but this badass Indonesian butterball can work a cigarette like a grand master pimp.
This is 2-year-old Ardi Rizal and he smokes up to 40 ciggies a day thanks to his dad who gave him his first taste of nicotine at 14-months-old. I don't whether to weep for his tiny lungs, or laugh at the thought of him rolling up to a group of smokers in his toy trunk to ask them for a hot fag.
Ardi's mother says that her son's habit costs the family around $5.50 a day and he only smokes one brand. Ardi's mother cried as she said, "He's totally addicted. If he doesn't get cigarettes, he gets angry and screams and batters his head against the wall. He tells me he feels dizzy and sick."
And it's totally not weird when Ardi reaches for a pack of cigs after drinking from his mom's tete or asks her for a light while she changes his diaper.
The government has agreed to give Ardi's family a new car if he quits. But Ardi's father, who is about to be named Person of the Century by the tobacco companies, doesn't know what the big deal is, "He looks pretty healthy to me. I don't see the problem." Just so you know, Ardi's father is legally blind and has no nostrils.
I don't see the problem either. So he'll get a voice box installed in his froat before he can make complete sentences. Regular talking is overrated! So he'll probably start craving a little whiskey with his cigarette. Bottom shelf booze is cheaper that baby food!
But serious talk, the family should take that car from the government and drive Ardi into the jungle to be raised by wild monkeys. He'll be better off.
via The Sun (Thanks James G.)
If you happen to be in the NYC area and spot a crazed supermodel with rage in her eyes and a Blackberry in hand, RUN don't sashay to the nearest discount clothing chain (bitch doesn't go near those) and call the police! It's most likely Naomi the Terrible and she's a WANTED woman!
The New York Post says that the terror of the catwalk allegedly Naomi Campbell-ed a chauffeur this afternoon. The story goes that Naomi freaked out at a driver who was taking her around the city. When the driver called the police, Naomi busted out of the car and fled the scene! Naomi is now at large, and the police are looking for her.
The police said that the driver suffered a few minor bruises and bumps as a result of getting punched out by Naomi. The police simply handed him a pamphlet for the Victims of Naomi Campbell support group. They meet every Wednesday night in the basement of a church.
It's not known why Naomi flipped out, but I'm guessing the driver made the mistake of looking her in the eye. Shit, he might have just looked in her direction. That is why it's best just to blindfold yourself around Naomi and claim you're deaf. Even if you're driving!
See no evil, hear no evil!
ANSWER: Jermaine Jackson's 13-year-old son Jaafar!
Child Protective Services was called to the Jackson family home in Encino last night after they heard about an incident involving Jaafar, Blanket Jackson and a taser gun. TMZ reports that last week the Jackson's security team confiscated a taser gun Jaafar ordered off the internet. Katherine Jackson locked the gun up in one of her wig closets.
While Latarian Milton was in L.A., he must have taught Jaafar how to pick a lock using a fish bone, because he was able to get a hold of the taser gun.
Security caught Jaafar on the second floor of the home trying to turn 7-year-old Blanket into an ELECTRIC BLANKET! And that's why CPS stepped in. According to sources, two social workers spoke to Katherine and Jaafar. They also confiscated the stun gun. They are planning to return to the home to investigate the incident further.
But Blanket isn't safe yet! The sources added that there's a second taser gun somewhere in the house. Poor Blanket will have to sleep with rubber boots on and a tongue depressor in his mouth. How dreadful.
Katherine needs to put her discipline wig on and handle those kids. It's turning into Lord of the Flies over there.
Jaafar shares his name with a Disney villain, so this shouldn't really surprise me, but it does. I would expect this type of behavior from Jermajesty, because well....his name is Jermajesty. If that was name, I'd be so angry that I'd tase every bitch within arm reach.
And if Jaafar really feels the need to tase, AIM FOR JOE!
Last month, Latarian Milton stole a commercial plane and flew over to Los Angeles to do bad things during a spot for Comedy Central's tosh.0. Latarian's basic cable TV debut aired last night. In the scripted and slightly awkward segment, Latarian trains Daniel in the art of hood rat stuff. But as we all know, hood rat stuff cannot be taught! It's in the veins. Or you can get it from eating a lot of chicken wings at Walmart.
While Latarian was out West, I was kind of hoping he would put his hood rat stuff skills to good use by hotwiring Gary Coleman's career. Come on, Latarian! Help a fellow hood rat shorty out!
If you're in Los Angeles this weekend, make sure your car seat belt is on extra tight, test your air bags, put a helmet on your head and keep a box of Walmart brand chicken fangers in your glove compartment at all times, because the Hood Rat Stuff Hurricane is in your parts!
9-year-old Latarian Milton is finally dropping some potent hood rat stuff on Hollywood, almost 2 years after he caused $11,000 worth of damage while taking his grandma's SUV for a joy ride. Latarian and his memama Vikkita Stratford arrived in Los Angeles on Friday to tape an appearance on Comedy Central! Vikkita said that Latarian has already turned down a million offers from Hollywood (Lindsay Lohan wishes she had his troubles), and the Comedy Central gig is the first one he's accepted. Vikkita hopes that this will lead to an acting career for Latarian.
YES! Finally an action star we can all get behind. No seriously, you better get behind Latarian's ass or he might run you over.
And I have a feeling that Speed 3: I Like to Do Bad Things will be greenlit any day.
Source: Fox29 (Thanks Susan)
A drunk crossdressing 4-year-old broke into a neighbor's house and stole their Christmas presents on Tuesday morning in Chattanooga, TN. File this under: What would happen if I ever raised a kid. You can also cross-file it under: Might be a Spears.
It all started when 4-year-old Hayden Wright got a little thirstay in the early morning hours on Tuesday. Hayden went to the kitchen and opened up the refrigerator. Since nothing quenches the thirst of a 4-year-old like a cold beer, he grabbed one out of the fridge, opened it up and took a few sips. After he got a little of the sweet nectar in his system, Hayden was ready to party like Eddie Murphy so he headed for the next door neighbor's house.
Hayden got into the neighbor's house through an unlocked door and immediately noticed a bunch of presents under the Christmas tree. The presents must have called his name, because Hayden opened up five of them. One of the presents he opened up was a purdy brown dress, so naturally, Hayden slipped it on. You know, I'm beginning to think that I magically became a 4-year-old and transported to Tennessee on Tuesday without knowing it.
After Hayden put on the dress, he went to another neighbor's house and rang the door bell a few times. That neighbor called the police. The police found Hayden wandering the streets in the brown dress while drinking the beer. Hayden and his 21-year-old mother April were taken to the local hospital.
April said that Hayden's father is in jail, so he might have been trying to get arrested so he could go be with him. ACK! And suddenly this story took a turn to SADSVILLE.
Child Protective Services met with April yesterday and said they have no plans to take custody away from her. TLC also met with April and says they have serious plans to make Hayden a reality TV star. I made that last part up, but it will probably turn out to be true.
Source (Thanks Taylor)