Trash

SPOILER ALERT!!! The plastic went flying on last night's Celebrity Apprentice. Finally, watching hours upon hours of this ridiculousness paid off. It all started in the boardroom when Melissa Rivers accused fellow plastic-face Brande Roderick and "pokah playa" Annie Duke of joining forces just so they could take her down. Donald Trump didn't buy the whines and he fired Melissa. Since Melissa and Joan Rivers' facelift scars are sewn together, Joan also packed up her shit and said she wasn't coming back.

Before they left, Joan unleashed her fury on Brande and Annie. It was amazing. Joan was so fucking mad. I thought her face was going to fly up into the air like pizza dough and stick to the ceiling. Then some poor sap crew member would've had to shuffle into the room, bring out a ladder and climb it so he could pry off Joan's face from the ceiling with a spatula. Meanwhile, Joan would've been running around the room like a lizard without a tail.

The part that made me laugh until my nipples burped was when Joan told Annie, "I met your people in Vegas for 40 years. None of them have last names! You're a pokaaaaaah playaaaa....a pokaaaaaah playa....That's beyond white trash! Pokah plays are trash, darling!" And then Annie responded with, "Poker plays are the most awesome people in the world." What the? Did this conversation happen in a vacuum, because all of them have had the sense sucked out of them. I feel like we need some kind of official debate on this subject. POKAH PLAYAS: Beyond White Trash or Awesome People Of The World?

And thanks to Melissa for introducing me to the insult, "YOU'RE A WHORE PIT VIPER." I love it when people just dig into their bag of words and use whatever comes out as an insult. "YOU'RE A SLUT MACAROON GARTER SNAKE!'

File this under: Why am I even wasting bandwidth on this hot-blooded douchery? Yeah, brilliant question. I'm just doing this crap to get it out of my inbox and into the compost pile where it belongs.

Yesterday afternoon, those of you that live in the Los Angeles area were probably wondering why the air smelled like a dirty tampon lying in a dumpster on a scorching hot August afternoon. The answer is simple: Heidi and Spencer got "married" in Pasadena for like the ten millionth time or something. Surprisingly, the activists that believe marriage should only be between a man and a woman did not picket this wedding! I mean, this was not a wedding between a man and a woman. Shit, it wasn't even a wedding between a human and a human.

I won't make you dry heavey with the details. I'm sure you just want to know if either a) they both turned into a pile of ass dust after kissing in a church, b) a flock of doves pecked their eyes out as they left the church or c) instead of tossing the bouquet, both Heidi and Spencer tossed their reproductive organs into a pit filled with hongray wolves. None of these things happened, because the world is a cruel and ugly place.

If you are really hating yourself this morning and want to see pictures, just google "I should be shot for googling this" and VOILA!

Who is the biggest queef in this picture? I really can't decide. The only thing missing is the smoke monster from Lost directly behind them ready to pounce. And by the look on Spencer Twatt's face, his yes-yes is getting a visit from a fisty friend. Blago is guilty as charged!

This is a promo picture for NBC's reality shit show I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!. Yes, this is a picture released by the network in order to get you to watch these people on your television. This picture is about as enticing as....well....as a reality show starring these three completely full barf bags.

NBC announced 7 of the 10 "celebrities(???)" that will tossed in the middle of a jungle in Costa Rica. So far, the cast includes Twit, Twat, Janice Dickinson, Sanjaya, Stephen Baldwin, John Salley and Torrie Wilson. Basically, the "who's who WHO no really WHO?!" of Hollywood. Blago was supposed to be a part of the cast, but a judge ixnayed that plan. NBC says they will use Blago in some way even though he can't go to Costa Rica. Hopefully, they are saving him for the spin-off, "Somali Pirate Master."

Here's some pictures from today's press conference about this mess. When Janice D is the most famous person in a show, you know there's a problem.

The biggest famesluts who ever roamed this earth are getting married this weekend WITHOUT securing the exclusive picture rights with a celebrity weekly. If Twit and Twat do ANYTHING and a tabloid isn't there to capture the queef-inducing moment, did it really happen? Shallow thoughts.

MSNBC's The Scoop says that UsWeekly, People, InTouch, Life & Style, the Summer's Eve marketing department and Horse & Hound all refused to pay the amount these two fart bubbles wanted. The only magazine that offered up anything was OK!, but Heidi and Spencer turned that deal down. Instead, they are going to get a photo agency to take all the pictures which they will sell to all the weeklies. A source said, “They’d rather be on page 50 of Us, People, In Touch or Life & Style than be on the cover of a magazine like OK! that isn’t going to sell. They need to make money, and so does the magazine. The formula is changing."

If anybody pays more than a crotch nugget for this puketorial, then they paid too much! Besides, this wedding is going to be as real as the first one. The last time I checked, a peroxide-eating dildo and a special needs dwarf pony couldn't legally get married in California.

And if anybody has Mother Nature's weekend phone number, please call her up and let that bitch know we're going to need an F5 tornado to crash that party.

Please curtsy before this refined and pristine lady! This portrait is like the modern day Mona Lisa, right? This striking work of art came about after 25-year-old Nicole Marty of Long Island was arrested after she got high, got in her car and crashed it into a pole with her 9-year-old in the passenger seat. Being the elegant lady that she is, Nicole also beat on a cop at the hospital. Doesn't she just make you want to cross your legs and pick up a teacup with your pinky sticking out?

25 with a 9 year old says everything and more. So does the face that looks like it's been living in a cave on an old nuclear testing zone

That being said, If I had a mug shot, I'd want it to look like this (sans the "my daddy is also my brother" face).

VIA Smoking Gun

Who is responsible for this dark-sided fuckery right here? Off with their head and throw it into a wicker basket! Obviously, nobody briefed The First Lady of Camerooon, Chantal Biya, that she was posing next to thee most diseased and disgusting boils on humanity's asshole. Although, Chantal is giving Wonky McValtrex the "My private lion den is starting to itch and you're to blame" side-eye, so she might know what's up. Camer-ooooouch.

Poor Chantal. Think of all the crotch maggots that have crawled out of Wonky's acid-spewing black hole and made their way into Chantal's luscious mane of wonder. Chantal better stop by Hazmat to cleanse herself of Wonky's stank before she makes her way back to Africa.

Here's the most glamorous woman in the world and the most wretched piece of trash in the world at The First Ladies of Africa event in Beverly Hills last night. I mean, what in pussy rotting Hell was Wonky doing there?

Brooke Hogan proved that she's one of the most skilled tuckers in the game while filming her new music video in Miami yesterday afternoon. Brooke let her dick down for a quick minute so that she could poke her new boyfriend, Stack$, in his peen catcher when he visited her on set. Yes, he goes by the name Stack$. That shit is about as hardcore as a fluffy kitten nibbling on a piece of pink cotton candy. Going by your Xbox360 Gamertag in real life is not a good idea.

Brooke and Stack$ (I can't with that name) are seriously the "El Camino on cement blocks" version of Brit Brit and KFed. That says everything. Although, I have to give it to Brooke that she didn't follow in the Hogan family tradition of licking the asshole of someone who looks a blood relative.

When I first heard Amy Wino was going to shower her meth loogies all over Coachella, I was more than willing to fry my ass lips off to get a glimpse of her heroin shake. Then it was announced that America wouldn't let her in, so I put my coochie cutters away. And look at everything I missed!

I mean, I could have witnessed The Hoff doing gross mouth things with some kind of creature who may still have a nutsack dangling down below. Also, I could have marveled at Kate Bosworth attempting to eat a piece of pizza, but not quite getting it. Methinks the skinny bitch forgot how to swallow. Even Reese Witherspoon and her main homegirl were there drinking out of coconuts! Well, I think just Reese was. Jakey knew it was kind of cliche for him to be sucking milky liquid out of a long tube.

But for those of us that didn't go, it's a good fucking thing, because that skankwhoreuglytrampbitchcunt Wonky McValtrex was there to put the HELL in Coachella. Those poor fools who were within a 2-mile radius of Wonky engaging in illegal acts (i.e. tongue fucking her dildo boyfriend) better take a trip down to the free clinic before their pores start leaking toxic pussy fluids.

Here's more celebwhores at Coachella yesterday including Kristin Cavawhogivesafuck, Tara Reid, Evan Rachel Wood's doppelganger and the ghost of Kurt Cobain.

The Cougar premiered a few days ago on TVLand, but last night I was drunk and stoned enough to venture into the den! Let me just say, this shit makes The Bachelor look like caviar on a silver spoon. It is such a piece of low-budget trash! The whole thing looks like it was paid for with a handful of McDonald's Monopoly tokens and a gift certificate to Master Cuts. I bet they didn't even pay to film in that mansion! They just crashed an open house. Anyway, this shit is under the fucking barrel.

The grossest part of the whole show is the elimination ceremony. Vivica Fox, who only signed up for this mess after producers promised they would track down her hairline, announces to the group of dicktards that if "The Cougar" gives them her lips, they are safe, if she gives them her cheek, they have to go home. Seriously, they can't even afford roses, so they pass out the herp instead! You know I'm not a prude, but this shit is kind of disgusting. You're not supposed to use your lips during orgies! Couldn't she put on a rubber glove and give them a handjob instead? That would be more sanitary. This shit must be sponsored by Abreva. Clip above.

Horsey Montag, Spencer Twatt, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Janice Dickinson, Geraldo Rivera and Rob Blagojevich are doing a reality show together. Unfortunately, it doesn't take place in the ninth circle of HELL! Shit, it doesn't even take place in the Congo, but they are going to the jungle.

So far, the six of them are part of the cast of NBC's I'm NOT RELEVANT A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. They will be dropped in the middle of the jungle in Costa Rica and forced to compete against each other. The fuckery starts airing on June 1st.

By the looks of the cast, this wreck should be called CUNT STEW. Who's next? Ann Coulter and the Hipster Grifter ? Actually, that's not a bad brain idea! Throw in a pack of hongray tigers, a few Somali pirates, the crazy Polar Bear stalker and we've got ourselves a real show!

VIA OK!