Elizabeth Taylor

Elizabeth Taylor was laid to rest in her $11,000 coffin (sadly, it's not diamond encrusted) yesterday and she delivered one last act of glamour before everybody said their final goodbyes. A small group of Liz's family and friends arrived at Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Glendale, Calif. and waited for 15 minutes until she was carried in. Elizabeth's rep told People that she wanted to be late to her own funeral. That's right. A true queen of glamour always keeps her subjects waiting.

I was hoping that an army of shirtless hunks wearing pharaoh costumes carried Liz in as albino children tossed rhinestone-covered white rose petals down the aisle, but she kept things simple. La Liz's casket was covered with gardenias, violets, and lily of the valley. Rabbi Jerry Cutler officiated the funeral which included a spot of total WTF randomness. Apparently, Elizabeth counted Colin Farrell as one of best friends forever and so he read a poem by Gerard Manley Hopkins during the service.

No farewell waltz from Kathy Ireland? No smoldering silent soliloquy from Tom Ryan? But a poem reading from COLIN FARRELL of all hos?! How did that happen? Fuck hearing about the details of how an icy fairy turned Anderson's Cooper hair silver with the touch of a crystal wand! This is the back story I really want to hear (I don't mean that). I bet that at the end of the funeral, Colin pulled two greasy gold rings off of his ears and gently tossed them into her coffin before saying, "These have always brought me luck." Someone had to do it.

The bright shiny amethyst in the world's eye is moonwalking with Michael Jackson and the angels up in heaven today. The Today Show just announced that legend of legends Dame Elizabeth Taylor died early this morning of congestive heart failure at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. La Liz was 79 years old. As soon as I scent my tears with White Diamonds and get my eyebrows mourn-ready, I'll add more. Meanwhile, here's the statement her son released after her passing:

"My Mother was an extraordinary woman who lived life to the fullest, with great passion, humor, and love. Though her loss is devastating to those of us who held her so close and so dear, we will always be inspired by her enduring contribution to our world. Her remarkable body of work in film, her ongoing success as a businesswoman, and her brave and relentless advocacy in the fight against HIV/AIDS, all make us all incredibly proud of what she accomplished. We know, quite simply, that the world is a better place for Mom having lived in it. Her legacy will never fade, her spirit will always be with us, and her love will live forever in our hearts."

Dame Liz's publicist says that she was surrounded by her children, Michael Wilding, Christopher Wilding, Liza Todd and Maria Burton, before she grabbed Richard Burton's hand and skipped through the cloud tunnel to heaven (Yes, I believe heaven is exactly like it is in soap operas). Liz is survived by her 4 children, 10 grandchildren and 4 great grand children.

There are so many things to thank Elizabeth Taylor for, like her contribution to the fight against AIDS, her impeccable eyebrow situation, her White Diamonds commercial (the holidays won't ever be the same), her dozens of film roles, her turn as Helena Cassadine on General Hospital and of course...this:

Rest in peace, Elizabeth... I'm going to get married today in your honor.

2011 is turning out to be the year sad tears washed the shine off of diamonds. Diamonds have already dimmed their sparkle for Zsa Zsa Gabor and now they're dropping their dimmer switch a few more inches for Dame Elizabeth Taylor. Elizabeth was hospitalized at Cedars in Los Angeles for symptoms caused by congestive heart failure. Elizabeth's heart has been through a million husbands including Larry Fortensky's Fraggle mullet ass so I'm sure it's strong as all fuck and will keep on for a few more decades to come. Liz's rep had this to say to People:

"This issue is being addressed. She is currently being kept in the hospital for monitoring. Her family and close friends are appreciative of the warm support and interest of her loyal fans, but have asked that people respect her privacy and allow her medical team the time and space to focus on restoring her back to health."

Can somebody go to the porch and hit pause on Tom Ryan's gambling addiction for a quick minute? If he already didn't lose them in a bet, Elizabeth is going to need those good luck earrings back.

Wash out the image from your head of Dame Elizabeth Taylor rolling down the wedding aisle in a wheelchair decorated with paper swans and rhinestone garland, because she is not going to marry Jason Winters (the piece on left)after all. On Friday, UsWeekly said that Dame Liz recently got engaged to Jason. Dame Liz set the record straight on Twitter and wants you to know that Jason is only a friend.

# The rumors regarding my engagement simply aren't true. Jason is my manager and dearest friend. I love him with all my heart.
about 5 hours ago via web

So when Dame Liz howled in woe at the thought of marrying again, she meant it!

Actually, don't wash the image of Dame Liz rolling down the aisle just yet, because now that she's not marrying Jason, she can devote all her time to planning her fake commitment ceremony to her true TRUE true love Kathy Ireland. In case you need proof of Dame Liz's permanent hard-on for Kathy, here you go:

Kathy was delightful, gorgeous and fit the music they chose perfectly. If they ever do a remake of The King and I she should star in it.
10:48 PM Sep 28th, 2009 via web

This can be the cover of their invitation:

This needs to happen!

78-year-old Dame Elizabeth Taylor is going to roll down the aisle for the 9th time! This is what some source tells UsWeekly anyway. The source says that Dame Liz is engaged to her 49-year-old longtime piece Jason Winters.

The source said hat Jason isn't cut from the same gold digging cloth as Larry Fortensky. Jason is a talent manager who counts Janet Jackson as one of his clients. He recently bought a house for Liz.

Another source added, "It's no secret that they've been together forever and are in love, so it wouldn't be a surprise if they were engaged. Right now they are keeping it between them."

Liz and Jason have neither confirmed or denied this shit.

Oldies can do whatever the hell they want. If she wants to marry for the fiftieth time so that she can bone like a newlywed, let her! Although, I'll let Joel McHale remind Liz about what she said when Inside Edition asked her about marriage.

If Liz is getting married, the Three Wolf Moon better be her bridesmaids.

Tiger Woods' mistress Rachel Uchitel and her lawyer Gloria Allred were supposed to tap dance in a press conference yesterday, but it was canceled at the last minute. Radar claims that Rachel put a stop to the matinee performance, because Tiger was willing to give her $1 million for her silence.

Today, TMZ is saying this isn't so. According to their sources, Rachel is shaking in fright like Paris Hilton's gynecologist, because she thinks she knows too much.

The source added that Tiger told Rachel about his other whores and also told her specific details about his failing marriage. Rachel plans to make like my father and disappear, because she fears "all the other people caught in what is becoming a very large net."

We all know who Rachel is really afraid of. Elin Nordegren probably sent her a shredded tennis ball in the mail with the note: "This is about to become YOUR FACE." Either that or Rachel has already safely tucked Tiger's $1 million check into her savings account.

Earlier this week, Elizabeth Taylor got on her Twitter to ask all of you to quit thinking about dicks or vaginas for a minute (I know that was hard) and say a little prayer for her. Elizabeth went into the hospital to get a leaky heart valve fixed. Well, the surgery went off without a hitch and Elizabeth is back to Twittering. She wrote this last night:

"Dear Friends, My heart procedure went off perfectly. It's like having a brand new ticker. Thank you for your prayers and good wishes. I know they all helped. Love you, Elizabeth."

Elizabeth is now as good as new and will probably outlive silicone. Even though she's all good now, she should continue to take her medicine:

Actually, maybe that's not the best medicine for Liz. That wolf dog's "Ah Ruv Uuuuu" howl will probably be the soundtrack to my nightmares tonight.

VIA Cute Overload

Elizabeth Taylor has to go into the hospital to get her heart fixed, and has asked everyone to send her good thought balloons while she's in there. Elizabeth told everyone on her Twitter before those pesky papers got a hold of the info first. Elizabeth wrote:

"Dear Friends, I would like to let you know before it gets in the papers that I am going into the hospital to have a procedure on my heart. It's very new and involves repairing my leaky valve using a clip device, without open heart surgery, so that my heart will function better. Any prayers you happen to have lying around I would dearly appreciate. I'll let you know when it's all over. Love you, Elizabeth."

So check under your bed, seat cushions and panty drawer for prayers (or nice thoughts) to send to Elizabeth.

Dame Elizabeth Taylor has a serious memawboner for her longtime friend/business partner Kathy Ireland. Ever since the new season of Dancing with the Stars started, Liz has been singing Kathy's praises on her Twitter account. You'd think she was talking about Shauna Sand.

It's just Kathy Ireland! I know she changed the face of TV with her thrilling portrayal of Brittany Maddocks on four episodes of Melrose Place, but DAMN! Here's what Dame Liz had to say about the glowingly beautiful Kathy:

I'm so excited to see Kathy Ireland on Dancing With The Stars! She is so beautiful.
1:52 PM Aug 17th from web

To watch her in movement will be a golden chance to see beauty in action and grace which is what that lady is all about.
1:54 PM Aug 17th from web

She is beauty personified because it glows from within and takes her on wing.
1:54 PM Aug 17th from web

All of you who are watching Kathy Ireland on DWTS tonight...please vote for her. The # is on the screen. She's so gorgeous, isn't she!
5:13 PM Sep 22nd from web

Saw Dancing With The Stars tonight. Didn't think the judges were fair to Kathy Ireland.
about 15 hours ago from web

Kathy was delightful, gorgeous and fit the music they chose perfectly. If they ever do a remake of The King and I she should star in it.
about 15 hours ago from web

You know Dame Elizabeth set up a calling room in her mansion and makes her main gays dial for Kathy all night. They only take breaks to rub one of Kathy Ireland's lamps from Lamps Plus for luck.

If Kathy ever gets voted out, the judges better sleep with a taser between their crotch, because Dame Elizabeth will be coming for them!

(Thanks Stormy)

Cindy Adams of The New York Post says that Elizabeth Taylor was hospitalized in Los Angeles yesterday, because she has the sads in a major way. A source said that ever since her best friend Michael Jackson passed away, she's been in a terrible state.

Apparently, Elizabeth has not received rainbow-filled hugs from the family either. The source says that Elizabeth wanted to attend Michael's private funeral, but she was banned by the family, because she was his friend and not theirs. Take that with a grain of salt, because Elizabeth already Twittered that she was going to mourn Michael on her own, because she didn't want to be part of the "public whoopla."

The source added that Elizabeth is suffering from exhaustion.

You know, there should be some kind of fluffy kitten network for situations like this. Liz just needs to eat a lot grilled cheese sandwiches while watching kittens play 24-hours a day. It'll cheer her up a little. Kind of like the Shiba Inu PUPPY cam. Actually, scratch that. That's not a good idea, because when the Shiba Inu puppy went completely dark, so did my no-heart (again).