Because Phoebe Price was already booked for the opening of an Arby's in the Santa Clarita Valley (I made that up), GLAAD hired Rumer Willis to be the resident seat filler at their Media Awards in Los Angeles last night. Wearing a fresh-out-of-the-plastic-bag polyester weave and serving up an eyebrow situation that'll make all the other taters in the garden salivate through their eyes with jealousy, Rumer hit the carpet and let everyone know that you don't need talent to get bitches to take your picture. You just need to come out of the right vagina.
When Tater Head sees these pictures of herself last night, she should chin who ever is responsible for painting her mug up like that. It looks like they just blew white flour in her face and called it a day. Bitch looks like uncooked potatoes au gratin. But you know, I can't fully hate on Rumer, because she's got a semi-hot piece at her side and last night I fell asleep between a body pillow and my farting chihuahua.
Here's some other hos at last night's GLAAD Media Awards: Tater with her piece Jayson Blair, Sara Gilbert, an understated Brad Goreski, Chaz Bono, the Evans brothers, Elle Fanning, Blue Ivy Carter's weekday babysitter, Kiki Dunst, Steven Tyler with a perm, Naya Rivera, the Noxzema Girl with McSteamy, Wilson Cruz, Beth Ditto with her girlfriend, Trevor Donovan assuming the position, Matt Dallas and Unique from Glee.
Chaz Bono's former fiancee wasn't looking forward to putting her mouth over a peen instead of a poon, but now that she's gone he can freely chase after his dick-getting dreams. But first, Chaz has to fill his peen fund with enough dollars to pay for the surgery. Chaz tells Rolling Stone that he's already picked out a doctor in Belgrade and all he needs is around $45,000 to take his down low parts from clit to cock. Chaz broke it down, and yes, my eyeballs bungeed out of their sockets and hit the screen after I read that his shiny new dick could be Tommy Lee-sized.
"I could get a phalloplasty, which builds the phallus from a donor site on your body," he says straightforwardly, "but I'm leaning more toward a metoidioplasty. It's a procedure that uses what you already have down there" – he means his clitoris – "which has grown larger from the testosterone. You end up with a smaller phallus than with the phalloplasty, but it's fully functional, it gets erect, and the sensation is all there."
Does he know how big it's going to be?
He frowns. "You know, I don't really. I mean, I've never seen one erect. So it's really hard to say. But, you know, soft, probably about three inches, and it grows considerably. I don't know what the average size difference is, but when I'm having sex I probably get three or four times larger." He pauses. "I was in a fairly typical heterosexual relationship, which caused some militant members of the queer community to think I'm reinforcing stereotypes or whatever. Anyway, I think Jen wished I wouldn't get the bottom done, but she understood my need to." He shrugs. "You have to understand, though, for me the life transformation has already happened."
I don't know if it was Chaz or another transman who said that he wasn't touching his bottom area yet, because the recovery from the surgery is as painful as getting fucked in the pee hole with a hot screw and the dick doesn't even work that well anyway.
I read a while ago that some new dicks can only get fully erect with the help of a pump. That would kind of suck. You're like, "Get ready, bitch, this rock hard fat dick is going to fuck you into another religion! Hold onto your nipples cause they're gonna pop off from the fuck quake I'm about to hit you with. We're going to break the Richter Scale tonight! Are you ready? Oh wait, can you grab that bike pump out of the closet..." (<---- That's pretty much the dialogue heard in Hugh Hefner's room every night.) But I'm glad to hear from Chaz that this doesn't seem to be the case anymore. I'm also glad to hear that Chaz's peen will be able to grow naturally and then some!
I mean, it's been a while since I've failed grade school math, but three times four equals twelve, right? Chaz can get himself a 12 inch salchicha dick? Chaz says that he will never ask Cher for the money since he wants to do this own his own, but I say, STOP IT! When it comes to getting a 12-inch dick, all pride for independence should fly out of the window. Just get that 12-inch dick, Chaz! Seriously, if Chaz gets hit by a bus tomorrow, wouldn't he want to be hit while having a 12-inch dick? I don't even see Chaz's lips moving and I can tell that he's fighting to say the word YAAAASSSSS!
Hell, Cher is so rich that she can buy everyone a 12 incher. She could be like the Oprah of 12-inch dicks. You get a 12-inch dick and you get a 12-inch dick! I'll take one. My arm is getting so tired from hitting the snooze button 50 times every morning, so it would be nice to be able to hit that button with my new 1 footer.
And Google tells me that Chaz will still have an orgasm, but won't be able to ejaculate. Those surgeons should try to fix that problem. Can't they install jizz sacks down? Flavored ones? That would really be the best and I'd get that. Can you imagine if you had flavored jizz? That would be a priceless pick-up tool. Think about it. You're at the cream bar at Starbucks when some hot piece mutters to himself, "Ugh, they're out of hazelnut." You wink inside knowing you've got this, grab his cup and fiddle with a few knobs on your nutsack before you quickly shoot out a stream of hazelnut deliciousness. That would be a beautiful story to tell everyone on your wedding day.
(Image via Out Magazine)
The National Enquirer (I know, I know...) is saying that Chaz Bono has dropped his fiancee Jennifer Elia and is now looking for a hot trick to bump his gut 'o plenty against. Chaz and Jennifer got engaged a few months ago after being together for six years, but the wedding is off and he's ready to move on to a bigger, better and fame whorier piece. Chaz wants to wet hump the spotlight and Jennifer wants to mouth hump a bottle of the sweet nectar at home. Chaz is bringing in the cash and Jennifer is job deficient. Jennifer also won't let Chaz's chunk rolls be great and he has had it with her ass. The source puts it like this:
"Chaz is totally over the relationship. His parting shot to Jen made her realize there was no turning back. He told her, 'I can do better than you.' He wanted someone who could ride the wave of success with him but found Jen too much of a downer. Chaz is already on the lookout for someone new and made it clear to Jen. He told her, 'I've tried, but you just aren't right for me. I've got to move on.'
Jen constantly gripes about not being able to find a job and her lack of money. She nags at Chaz about his weight and for the last few months her insomnia has been so bad that they don't even sleep together."
When she drinks, Jen becomes a completely different person. Chaz just can't handle her then."
Jennifer held Chaz's hand as he made the transition from lady to dude, was forced to sit through the act of torture known as Dancing with the Stars, had to stare at that dreadful throat beard and he's just throwing her away the same way Cher's first plastic surgeon threw her original face into the medical waste bin? A bitch gets some fame and is about to get a peen and suddenly he's too good? Actually, I'm not sure I blame Chaz. I just got a good look at Jennifer. I mean, you can't trust a ho who looks like Heidi Fleiss after getting Face/Off surgery with Amy Fisher.
Never mind that Cher had John Travolta's Battlefield Earth wig on top of her head, I think my heart burped out a warm feeling last night when her eyes got covered with a shiny layer of pride after watching Chaz Bono twist his shit to the Rocky theme song on Dancing with the Stars. It's the same look I made when I read that there's an IHOP in the East Village now. Cher's got that Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity twinkle in her eye.
Cher beaming with pride through her face reminds me of the time that my mom gave me a "good job" hug after my 3rd grade recorder recital even though I stopped blowing halfway (insert your "how times have changed" joke here) and sat my quitting ass down. Just proud as all shit to see their child up there. Chaz and Lacey Schwimmer get an A for effort and they also get a very special A for delivering one of the messiest performances of the night. It was like watching a Fourth of July-themed Scion commercial starring those dancing hamsters.
I don't care if reading one of Cher's Tweets makes me feel like a blind person trying to read Braille written in chewed-up dot candies, when I uncross my eyes and finally see what she's trying to say it makes my everything. Picturing Cher in her don't fuck with me boots spiking Kim Kartrashian in the triple dirty diaper ass up and down the 405 freeway is a dollop of whipped everything on top of my everything.
When the Kardashian's "fans" (aka Pimp Mama Kris and Baby Mason working overtime in the Kardashian Kommand Kenter) questioned Cher's Tweets, she backpedaled a little, but it was too late. Cher has spoken and she got it right the first time! Kick those bitches down the freeway (which probably looks a lot like throwing a hot dog down a hallway).
And if you're wondering what Cher's child was up to last night, here he is swaying his polyester-slather fupa with Lacey Schwimmer who looked like Donatella Versace looking into a fun house mirror after my 6th grade Antarctica diorama project (featuring sea foam, seals and albatrosses galore) exploded on her. If you told me that Chaz Rumbas as good as Cher operates a keyboard, I wouldn't call you a lie teller.
The devil was dancing last night! Literally.
Nancy Grace's daughter, that precious little angel who is already an expert at perfect timing, joined America in giving her mother's TV dance debut two boogers, a nostril hair and a wet finger. Shut down the voting lines, because I can say with complete confidence that Nancy Grace's daughter picks for all of us now. Actually, I take that back. If Nancy's daughter pulls out a juicy hairy dingle, the judges might think that means all her votes go to Nancy.
Slutty Floridian murderesses went wild last night, because the one Luciferling who always has one eye on them had to look away for a minute to seduce the audience at Dancing with the Stars. It was the moment that millions of genitals passed out without help from a chloroform cloth.
The opening package where Nancy Grace swirled her humongous tits around like she was stirring an imaginary witch's cauldron with them was so terrifying that I hope Casey Anthony sees it every time she pulls her eyelids down. And then when Nancy Grace dragged her chichis of destruction out from behind that desk, she looked like Thomas the Tank in Eddie Izzard drag. Like a bewigged Hulk on happy gas.
You know, Nancy does have some rhythm and the Satanic sparkle in her eye told me she was having fun. But that's probably because she used her powers of imagination (and you know she has one of those) to pretend that the dance floor was Casey Anthony's grave.
I give Nancy's performance three mucous drops from her daughter's nose.
Then there was Chaz Bono!
Before the show even started, some "inside source types" whispered around that Chaz's skills were going to make Kate Gosselin look like the spirit of Ginger Rogers slithered up into her asshole to dissolve the stick up there and take over. But Chaz wasn't that bad. As one of my friends said, Chaz dances like Grimace and looks like fat John Goodman in Death of a Salesman, but I was expecting a stiff ball whose out-of-breath wheezes had more rhythm than his moves.
I give Chaz one corroded nugget and a wet hair from Nancy's daughter's nose.
As for which trick will be voted off and melted down into the oil used to run that robot Brooke Burke, do you even have to ask?
I'm surprised George Clooney didn't drop this womp womp trick a long time ago. With the sad way she tries to move her hips, you can tell she's a flop at the strap-on helm.
If this doesn't give you a reason to feed your Labor Day hangover with a morning office cocktail made of Wite-Out, stamp blotter water and the juice of a fermented crab apple left in back of the refrigerator by one of your co-workers, then I don't know what will. ABC poured equal parts Photoshop and sequins into fuckery's asshole and stood back as it shat out these messy promo pictures from the new season of Dancing for Relevancy. These pictures are even more awkward and uncomfortable than the pictures from Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie's wedding. There's more tension in these pictures than there would be at a joint prom between the KKK and the NAACP.
And the whipped dollop of mess on top of all of this is NANCY GRACE! You didn't know your retinas could go flaccid until you laid eyes on Nancy Grace sticking her chichis out and wearing the indescribable hose my abuelita bought from Sanborns in Tijuana. (Seriously, you could use those hos to muzzle a hyena and they would not tear.) Bitch looks like Chris Griffin in low-budget drag to play the lead role in a community theater production of Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Hopefully, this image makes Casey Anthony chloroform herself. Or it could make Casey Anthony try to duct tape those giant baby heads on Nancy's chest. Either way, it's a win for the rest of us.
Here's the rest of this mess of a cast in order: Our Girl Nancy (with Tristan MacManus), Carson Kressley (with Anna Trebunskaya), Chaz Bono (with Brooke Hogan), Chynna Phillips (with a stick of pure cheese), David Arquette (with Kym "Siamese Cat" Johnson), Elisabetta Canalis (with Val Chmerkovskiy), Hope Solo (with Maksim Chmerkovskiy), J.R. Martinez (with Karina Smirnoff Ice), Kristin Cavallari (with Mark Ballas), Rob Kardashian (with Mop Head), Metta World Peace (with some one-legged trick) and Ricki Lake (with Derek Hough).
In case you haven't heard, the bigoted crazies slithered out of their own asses and freaked out all over Facebook, message boards and ABC's site over Chaz Bono joining the cast of Dancing with the Stars. Their argument is that DWTS is a family friendly show (nip slips and all) and is no place for the "LGBT agenda." Little do they know that if you removed the L,G,B and T from Dancing with the Stars, you'd have Shuffleboard with the Stars and they'd only wear polo shirts and sloppy ponytails.
They don't seem to mind that the mutated clown monster who was made from Lucifer's toe jam (see: Nancy Grace) is in the cast, but they're clutching their crucifixes over Chaz Bono. Okay. Buzzfeed has the worst of the worst reactions if that's what you need to see today and below is my personal favorite from Memaw Carol:
OMG - did you hear that Chaz Bono (Sonney & chers) daughter, turned man will be one of the contestants on Dancing With The Stars? Hope he doesn't get a hard on from dancing with his female partner. I hope this message doesn't go to Hollywood! I hope it isn't censored. OMG ...I can't believe I even said this. WHAT the hell, did they attached a dead mans "U know what to this freak"?
Oh, Carol. For someone who thinks she knows a lot about what's going on in Chaz Bono's down below parts, I would think you'd know that he hasn't had a "dead man's U know what" attached to his body yet. But I have a feeling that when you weren't looking somebody attached a dead man's anus over your mouth since what's coming out of it is nothing but tired, old, dusty, grave dirt shit. Maybe you should look into that. And after you do, let's get together to sip tea while we watch for swaying boners on DWTS. I know that's the real reason you watch that shit, Carol. You dirty little filthy bird watcher. Get it while you can, ole' girl!
Chaz Bono's mother Cher also jumped to her son's defense and asked her to Twatter followers to show their support for him:
lovelies! Chaz is Being Viciously Attacked on Blogs & Message boards about being on DWTS!This is Still America right ? It took guts 2 do it
I support him no matter what he chooses 2do! God! will there always be haters! It took COURAGE 2 do dwts ! TG Chaz has an Unlimited supply
Can u guys check out sites & give him your support ? BTW ...Mothers don't stop Getting angry with stupid bigots who fk with their children !
It's times like these that I forgive Cher for typing like a 12-year-old me in an AOL chat room.
The documentary following Chastity Bono's transition into Chaz Bono airs on OWN tonight and so he's been making the media rounds to talk about that and his new memoir. One of those stops included E! News where Chaz talked with Marc Malkin about all sorts of things from why he borrowed the $10,000 for breast removal surgery from somebody other than his mom ("I didn't want to go to my mom with it because it was something she was struggling with.") to Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. Chaz volunteers at a support group for children with gender identity issues so he was asked what he thinks about Shiloh.
He volunteers for a support group for children with gender identity issues and their families. "I relate to these kids," he says. "The difference between them and myself is that I didn't articulate it and fight for it and say, 'No, no, no! I'm a boy!' I have so much respect for these kids that do."
Bono doesn't know Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and wouldn't assume anything about their daughter Shiloh's choice to dress more boyishly, but the media's attention to the story did shed some light on gender identity. "I would love to talk to them at some point," Bono says, "to at least let them know we have this resource for them if they ever need it."
Even so, Bono says, "People get too freaked out about kids and what to do with kids. If you just let kids do what they need to do they usually have the right idea."
Just because Shiloh is a tomboy today doesn't mean that in 15 years she'll tell all of us that she's a man trapped in a girl messiah's body. I mean, when I was Shiloh's age I wore my mom's pantyhose on my head and pretended it was a blonde wig. Do I do that today? Yes, I do, but that doesn't mean I want to be a woman. However, I still think that Chaz needs to spend some time with Brangelina, but only so Shiloh and Maddox can take him shopping to stores other than Men's Warehouse. Chaz was saying some very smart things on Oprah yesterday and the only thought that passed through my head was: "TORCH THAT SUIT!"
At the 25th anniversary celebration for GLAAD last night, Amber Heard (star of Hidden Palms, The Informers, Pineapple Express, The Stepfather, The Rum Diary with Johnny Depp, etc....) talked to After Ellen about being an open gayelle in the Hollywood game. This, I did not know!
Since I am the Veronica Corningstone of gossip blogs that begin with the letter D and end with the letter D, I did some serious investigative reporting and read that Amber and her girlfriend Tasya van Ree (pictured with Amber above) have been living openly as a couple for a while now. Amber just hasn't screamed out her love for the labia by splashing herself all over the cover of People Magazine. You know People's headline would've been: "Yup, you HEARD it here first, I'm a lesbian!"
Here's a piece of Amber's talk with After Ellen:
AE: The media is obsessed with labels and labeling people. As an out actress, is that something that you’re concerned about or is it something you’re moving past because of GLAAD?
AH: It’s hard. I think GLAAD is one of the many reasons that I, as a 24-year-old, can come out. I think that organizations like GLAAD make that possible because if it weren’t for opinions being changed, people being influenced, people being engaged to do the right thing, then there would be no prerogative for anyone to come out. Like I said, I can’t be a part of the problem. I hate the idea of a label just as much as anyone else but I’m with who I’m with, I love who I love and I’m if not a better actress than I was yesterday and my personal life should have no effect on that. I think that the injustice of people staying in the closet is more than I can bear with a clear conscience and I couldn’t sleep at night if I was a part of that problem, if I was part of the lies.
I personally think that if you deny something or if you hide something you’re inadvertently admitting it’s wrong. I don’t feel like I’m wrong. I don’t feel like millions of people are wrong because they love who they love or they were born how they were born. I’m proud to be on the right side of history and I can do nothing more than encourage people to look at their lives and ask "What side of history am I on? Am I doing the right thing or am I doing the wrong thing?" I look at speeches byMartin Luther King and I cry when I read the story of Rosa Parks at the back of the bus, and I can’t help but think if I was in that era what side of history would I be on? Would I be marching on the side of equality or would I be one of these horrible people spreading hate and bigotry?
It’s clear from a person that was born in the '80s to decide what part of history they’d be on. It’s clear for someone like myself that’s fairly educated and fairly well-rounded and fairly enlightened to be able to say "I would never be on this side of bigots and hatred. I would never be on that side!" But then we have this situation here in my generation, where tons of young people haven’t woken up to the call that this is our generation’s civil rights movement. This is the forefront of human rights. You have to ask yourself what side are you going to be on and if we’re too scared to come out and say who we are, we’ll never get anywhere.
Here's more pictures of Amber at last night's GLAAD party where she posed with Chaz Bono and Chaz Bono posed with Rickie from My So-Called Life. I'd like to think that Rickie just got back from the bathroom where he was painting liner around Rayanne's eyes.