Pimp Game

And no, by "what's really important" I don't mean their dumb kids. Who cares about them! Pimp Mama Kris and Bruce Jenner are pretending to be happily married for the sake of their checking accounts and relevancy. You know, things that REALLY matter.

There's been a rumor going around that claims when Bruce Jenner is awaken in the morning to the sound of Pimp Mama Kris unchaining him from the bed, he wishes that he was completely free of her and could calmly sit without the sound of cackling whores stabbing him in the ears. Bruce Jenner already denied that his marriage was in trouble, but that's probably because PMK told him he had to say that or she'd drug him, stuff his butt with silicone implants, throw a black wig on his head, legally change his name to "Kandee Kardashian" and whore him out on the stroll with her other girls. But a source tells Radar that the state of PMK and Bruce's marriage matches the state of her soul: cold and dead. The source went on to say that they're just faking it to keep their brand alive:

“Kris and Bruce are all but over. They have grown apart and their relationship is all about business these days rather than love or romance. They’ve built a brand together though, and that’s very profitable for both of them, not to mention the amount of valuable assets and business ventures they have together. There’s no way Kris is going to go through with a divorce right now, despite the problems they are having. She’s determined to keep up the façade of a happy marriage at all costs. Showbiz and her career come way before any chance of divorce."

The better question is, what haven't they faked for attention and money? They fake everything. But you'd think that faking a marriage is child's play for Pimp Mama Kris. I mean, her daughter did that. Obviously, faking a marriage is so easy that a dumb dumb can do it. PMK is a world-renowned pimp, so you'd think she'd have bigger ideas. Doesn't PMK know that if she fakes her death and moves far away from civilization never to be heard from again that she'd become even more famous and rich and legendary! (Shhh, nobody tell her that she wouldn't become any of things.)

Get your overstuffed ass out to pasture OLD kash kow Kim, there's a new boo in Kris Jenner's life. At least, Kris would love for there to be... a new Honey Boo Boo to be more specific. Just a couple of weeks ago Kris was turning her overly manicured nose up and shame, shame, shame on you-ing at Mama June for her child whoring ways and for being "classless". I'll wait a minute for the laughter to subside.

Now Kris wants to manage Honey Boo Boo. Mmmmhmmm.

So Hollywood Life has the scoop on Kris's amazing turnaround, based solely on her love for children and not at all by the realization that she's thisclose to being ousted by some 7 year old hillbilly beauty pageant princess. And if you can't get richer by pimping your own kids any more, why not get richer by pimping your replacement?? You have to slow clap for Kris's dedication to whoring and her complete lack of dignity and self respect. Bitch is on her game.

At this point, Kris is just extending the hand(cuff) and Mama June hasn't talked to her about it. Please Universe, if this meeting ever does occur, let Mama June have one of her famous gas attacks, and let her burp and fart and laugh in Kris's begging face with a mouthful of half chewed sketti as Honey Boo Boo snaps TWO Z's!!!! And let the cameras capture every delicious second of it. AMEN.

The shameless, whore-wrangling pimp who sold her prized pig's sex tape to the highest bidder and will gladly sell one of her younger daughters to a sheik if they don't bring in their monthly quota is calling out Mama June from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Apparently, Pimp Mama Kris thinks it's wrong that Mama June is whoring out her young daughter for money. Yeah, so save me a seat in the emergency room waiting room, because we'll all be there after we overdose on the irony in this post.

A source tells Radar that Pimp Mama Kris' eyes are usually green from always seeing dollar signs, but lately they've been green with envy, because Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is a big hit. PMK is threatened, because she's no longer the big pimp on the ho stroll. PMK believes that her family is nothing like Mama June's family, because the Kardashians are redefining class with every pinky they lift while sucking a black dick on camera. This is what the pot thinks about the kettle:

“To say Kris is not a fan of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is an understatement. She thinks the Thompsons are classless, unlike her family and can’t understand why America is so fascinated by them. Kris especially has a strong dislike for June, claiming the beauty pageant world is vile and that June is a bad mom for 'exploiting' Alana in that way. Kris think it’s all a ploy to make money, and says she sees through it and thinks it is absolutely disgusting."

The words "Would you like to buy my daughter's sex tape?" have come out of PMK's mouth before, so I totally believe that quote came out of her mouth too. PMK's Gopher-in-ten-cent-drag-looking ass is as delusional as she is shameless. But what PMK needs to see is that if you sucked all the plastic from her face, replaced her chin with an exploding can of Grands! biscuits, took away her millions of dollars, added 200 pounds of hardened pancake batter to her body and gave her a sense of humor, she'd be just like Mama June. They're the same. Pimps shouldn't piss on other pimps. Let the hos do that. Pimps should support each other. Say the oath with me, PMK: "Pimps up, hos down."

Kris Humphries is currently trying to legally shut his ex-piece, Myla Sinanaj, up, because she's selling all the text messages he sent her about his fake marriage to Kim Kuntrashian. Myla claims that Kris told her she was the love of his life and he couldn't wait to get his divorce from Kim out of the way so they could be together. This screws with Kris' money, because he's suing Kim for playing with his innocent heart and defrauding him by only using him for a publicity stunt. (Nobody has ever accused Kris Humphries' caveman shit brain of producing anything but DUHs.)

Most of the shit Myla has been saying about Kris and Kim isn't that surprising, but nothing is more unsurprising than what he told her about Kim's sex tape with Ray J. TMZ says that Myla claims Kris told her that whore master Pimp Mama Kris ordered Kim to fuck her way to fame by making that tape with Ray J. The first cut wasn't good enough for Pimp Mama Kris so she ordered reshoots. Say what you want about Pimp Mama Kris, but she really does care about the cinematic integrity of her daughter's fuck time tape. TMZ's source puts it like this:

Kris Humphries trashed Kim Kardashian and her family in conversations and text messages to his former girlfriend, Myla Sinanaj ... telling her Kris Jenner not only directed Kim to shoot her sex tape, but to re-shoot because Kris J didn't think the first one was pretty enough.

A source close to the Kuntrashians (see: Pimp Mama Kris) calls this a lie, but I believe every word of it and no lies are detected. But what gets me is if they did reshoots, what did the first tape look like? I've seen more emotion in the faces of the plastic toys my dog humps than I did while watching Kim get her appendix poked out by Ray J's boomerang dick. Bitch just lays there like a constipated walrus trying to push out a much-needed fart. Maybe Kim was even deader in the first one and it classified as necrophilia porn, so PMK scrapped it. Actually, the second one counts as necrophilia porn too, because PMK sold Kim's soul to the devil long before that tape was made.

Here's PMK's #1 ho and her #2 ho Kanye Kardashian going to some restaurant in Paris yesterday.

To save her floating turd of a network from completely sinking to the bottom of the toilet bowl, Oprah shoved herself into a full body condom and got into bed with whores. Godprah joined forces with the harlot heffas of HELL for an interview airing this holy Sunday on OWN.

I know that OWN has become that struggling, broke down, thirsty hooker who has lost its prime corner on the best part of the stroll and is now lucky to get a wooden coin for a sloppy handjob behind a Datsun parked in the alley, but has it really come to this? Was Courtney Stodden not available for an interview? Tan Mom? OctoMom? The Hot Dog Hooker? Literally ANYBODY but the Kuntrashians? How the Mighty O has fallen into the whore pit viper pit.

So far clips of the interview have been the same, re-hashed crap. Was the obviously staged wedding staged? NEVER! Is Khloe's biological father one of the neanderthals in the Natural History Musuem? NOT! But then Oprah asked Rob and the KKKs (that sounds like the name of the #1 band in Hell) about Pimp Mama Kris' pimping ways:

O: What do you say to people, and you've heard it, when people say your mother is pimping her children.

Kim: I think that's so ridiculous.

Rob: She's our mom.

Kim: First of all, we have to hire a manager. So regardless somebody has to get that. No one will fight harder for you than your own mother. She knows us. She knows all of our moods. Whether sometimes Khloe and her like are like 'Mom/manager' and they go back and forth.

O: You're very clear on that, though. You don't have to go back and forth. You know the line between mom and manager.

The slow pregnant one: They....work....well....really...well. *drooooooool*

Kim: We just get each other. We vibe. It works. No matter what, no one would fight harder for you than your own mother.

O: So you've never felt exploited by your own mother?

KKK: No, never.

Meanwhile, Pimp Mama Kris was slightly off camera with her ho slappin' hand up in the air and a look on her face that clearly said, "Kim, you better stick to the script, ho, or the next completely fake husband I set you up with will have a white dick!"

via E! Online 

The Illuminati's very own Brangelina kept up the stunts last night by joining claws while doing the LOOK AT US strut past the paparazzi at the opening of Scott Disick's restaurant in NYC. Scott Isadick opened his new Patrick Bateman-themed restaurant called American Psycho Grill, which serves cheese-stuffed roasted rat and a noodle dish named Chop Huey Lewis and the News. No, I wish. Scott opened up a Japanese restaurant in the Meatpacking District called RYU, because he knows so much about Japanese food. Please, that restaurant is a front. It's obviously the East Coast whore headquarter's for the Kuntrashian's whore activities.

Why do you think Kanye Kardashian née West was there? As soon as Kanye walked through the doors, Pimp Mama Kris took him to a back room where he was officially baptized into the Kuntrashian Klan by spilling his bladder water onto the forehead of Kim Kardashian's ass (yes, her ass is so big it has a forehead) as Khloe branded the mark of the dark side (aka the letter "K") into one of his ass lips with a heated bronzer stick. Kanye is officially a Kardashian. And now you know why Jesus walks. It's because he's going to the nearest computer station in heaven to unfriend Kanye on Facebook.

In other Kuntrashian non-news, Kim tells Paper that she's famous because of the Internet (Note: That right there is the number one reason Time Warner operators will hear when they ask, "And why are you canceling your Internet today?") and she loves blowing fake tanner kisses at her haters:

"I love writing them back. People will write me, 'My phone battery lasts longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage,' and I'll write back, 'Oh, which phone is that?'

When people are so stupid, you just have to have fun with it. Someone [without a profile photo] will say I'm fat, or a hairy Armenian, and I'll write back, 'Oh, that egg picture of yours is so gorgeous.'"

Kim's koochie will give you a burning sensation and so will her comebacks. Of course Kim responds to her haters, what else is she going to do between doing nothing and doing nothing?

Out of nowhere last night, Kanye Kardashian née West released a new song called Theraflu where he rap confesses that he crawled up into Kim Kardashian's K hole of doom while she was in the middle of her 10 second-long marriage to Kris Humphries. Here are the poignant lyrics that are making Pimp Mama Kris' pimpin' hand quiver something special:

And I'll admit I fell in love with Kim/ 'Round the same time she fell in love him/ That's cool, baby girl do your thing/ Lucky I ain't have Jay drop him from the team

Kanye Kardashian's fame whore clock is perfectly synchronized, because just hours after he dropped that song, TMZ had pictures of him and Kim doing the STUNT QUEEN strut out of a Manhattan movie theater after seeing The Hunger Games. There's something perfect about two thirsty whores watching The Hunger Games together. A source tells TMZ that Kanye and Kim have been chewing on each other's ass for a little while now.

This was bound to happen and we should just be thankful that their egos in one room together will shatter any industrial-strength camera lens, so we'll never see a real sex tape of these self-absorbed hos humping on each other. Actually, I doubt Kim and Kanye even touch. Their idea of getting off is doing themselves with a mirrored dildo in a completely mirrored room so they can see themselves from every angle.

Kim and Kanye keep searching for love, but Kim will never love anybody as much as she loves Kim and Kanye will never love anybody as much as he loves Kanye. They can have a group marriage!

Half of you aren't reading these words on your screen since your eyeballs shriveled into your head and are currently making their way down your body to escape out of your anus hole, because exposing them to this topless Pimp Mama Kris picture is going too far and they aren't going to take any more of your abuse. The other half of you are enjoying your morning coffee with a splash of vomit. What a wonderful way to start a Monday!

Rob Kardashian turned 25 over the weekend and Pimp Mama Kris celebrated the day she brought her fourth human ATM into the world by posting this picture in all her pregnant glory on her blog. Pimp Mama Kris is thinking she's giving us "Demi Moore on Vanity Fair" when she's really giving us the fame whore version of Rosemary's Baby.

Nothing will make you happier to be alive another year than your mom publishing a picture of her wearing a Moe Howard mullet, Baby Huey's diaper and a hand bra on your birthday. Or is it nothing will make you "want to get face/off surgery with a stranger and legally change your name so your family can never find you." I get those two confused.

Every once and a while comes a story that is filled with so much wonderful that I have to rub my monitor to make sure my eyes are seeing it right and this is one of those once and a whiles. Radar says that Stephen Hawking regularly takes a break from doing whatever kind of genius stuff he does (I tried to read his Wikipedia page to find out, but my simple brain switched to images of shiny-haired puppies playing in the snow right after I read "theoretical physicist.") to bathe in thrusting chocha at a sex club in California. Devore, California isn't only the place where my cousin got kicked out of a Denny's for drunk barfing into a yellow mop bin on Halloween, it's also the place where Stephen Hawking gets wild with naked hos.

A member of the Freedom Acres swingers club in Devore, CA tells Radar that 70-year-old Stephen is a regular there and rolls up with an entourage of nurses and assistants. The fat-mouthed source went on to say, "I have seen Steven Hawking at the club more than a handful of times. He arrives with an entourage of nurses and assistants. Last time I saw him he was in the back 'play area' laying on a bed fully clothed with two naked women gyrating all over him. I have spoken to him on several occasions and have even shared drinks with people in his group. And he'll even take photos with people in the club as long as it's in a neutral area."

Stephen Hawking was already a beacon of inspiration, but now he's a constellation of inspiration after reading this story. Because no matter what happens, we'll never lose our need for peen (or poon, in this instance). Get your Big Bang on, Stephen!

Daniel Craig completed everyone's life recently when wise words of beautiful wisdom spilled out of his poetry hole during an interview with GQ Magazine. This is the original quote, and yes, it should be mandatory for schoolchildren to memorize it and recite it right before saying the Pledge of Allegiance every morning.

"Look at the Kardashians, they're worth millions. I don't think they were that badly off to begin with but now look at them. You see that and you think, 'What, you mean all I have to do is behave like a fucking idiot on television and then you'll pay me millions?' I'm not judging it—well, I am obviously."

Doesn't that just give your soul a boner? Well, Heat Magazine (via TS) asked Pimp Mama Kris, seen below with the ghost of a praying mantis at The Hollywood Reporter's Famewhoring Whores Women in Entertainment luncheon, what she thinks about the truth according to James Bond (and the world). Being the piece of delusional shit that she is, Pimp Mama Kris let a bull's anus do the talking for her and it said this:

"(He has) crossed the line. It's not made him look like the world's nicest guy. The right thing for a real man to do now would be to issue a public apology. The easy thing would be to criticize his career now, but our family won't stoop to that level."

I don't think Daniel Craig heard Pimp Mama Kris' response since the verbal shit of earth scum doesn't travel all the way up, up, up, up, up, up, up to his perch on the highest level. Stoop to that level?! This Cousin Balki-looking bitch is either a comedic genius or she's obsessively dedicated to the art of being fucking delusional. Rat shit and Snooki's tampon sit a few dozen levels above the Kardashians on the pyramid of life.

What is she going to attack in Daniel Craig's career? That is an impossible mission. That's like me attacking the writing skills of George Bernard Shaw. That's like a maggot on a piece of rotten hamburger attacking a cow for not being fresh. What was Pimp Mama Kris going to say? That Daniel Craig worked to get the career he has while the Kardashians' fame was handed to them on a glove that didn't fit? That Daniel Craig used his talent to become a millionaire celebrity while the Kardashians' used Kim's asshole? Burn.

Pimp Mama Kris needs to stop acting like there's an exit for the High Road on the Famewhore Highway.