Simon Cowell

If Matt Roloff's face was chiseled on to Mount Rushmore, it would look just like Gordon Ramsay's mug. For some reason, Simon Cowell had an issue with that and advised Gordon to get his crevices filled. Yes, Gordon took plastic surgery advice from Simon Cowell. However, Simon's juicy fur tits are pretty hypnotizing, so I'd probably listen to him too.

42-year-old (in humans year) Gordon told The Radio Times (via The Daily Mail), "Simon Cowell suggested that now I'm a success in America, I should do something, so I had a filler put under the deep crevices. It hurt. My mother said they were smile lines. I could deal with that at 21, but not at 42."

SMILE LINES?! I'm sure that if Gordon Ramsay ever made a smiley face, they would cover it in world history class. Gordon cracking a smile is physically impossible.

While I understand that Gordon doesn't want the chin of a hemorrhoid anymore, it does concern me a little. I mean, is Gordon still going to be able to open his mouth wide enough to perfectly shout gems like, "YOU BLOODY DUMB FUCKING COW" or "YOU MOTHERCUNT FUCKING DOG SHIT ASSHOLE"? Because Gordon can't let vanity get in the way of him sharing his poetry with the world.

Last season, Simon Cowell was paid $35 million for American Idol. This season, Simon will get anywhere from $100 million to $144 million. That's what The New York Post is claiming. Meanwhile, Paula Abdul continues to get paid in Adderrall pills bought from the internet and handwritten I.O.U. notes.

Simon's contract is up in May and he knows very well how important he is to American Idol. The reality crap fiesta brings in almost $1 billion in ad revenue and Simey believes he deserves a nice slice of that.

Yes, what you probably make a year, Simon is going to make an hour.

Simon will get paid zillions of dollars for keeping his moobies plump and saying the same insult over and over again while sipping on Crystal Light Lemonade in a Coca-Cola cup. Hmmmmm. Sound familiar? *Looks down at pancake moobies, reads first page of Dlisted and sees the same joke over and over again, glances at the Crystal Light Lemonade in a SpongeBob SquarePants cup.* Close enough! Now, where's my $144 million?! Shit, I'd settle for 144 Bakeshop Twists (my new favorite thing).

Simon Cowell is about to trump Oprah as the highest paid pussycat on TV. Last year, Oprah reportedly made a total of $275 million. If a new deal goes through, Simon's nipples will soon be squirting gold leche.

The New York Post says that Simon is in talks with British billionaire Sir Philip Green to start a new production company that will create TV shows in the UK and the US. On top of that, Simon's contract with American Idol is up for re-negotiation and you know he's going to milk those hos dry. A source said that Simon's new contract with Idol will "make him the best-paid star of TV."

There's no way Oprah is going to sit on her diamond-studded throne and just let this happen. Don't be surprised if you see Gayle King on the ho stroll selling ass in a spandex mini-skirt and leather pasties. Homegirl is going to have to contribute to the family fortune!