Simon Cowell

Pimp Mama Kris' mighty pimp hand will be busy slapping Khloe Kardashian up and down the ho stroll today, because her fourth biggest money maker (behind Kanye, Kim and Lamar) has been fired from The X-Factor. The New York Post says that Hazmat has been called to the studio where X-Factor shoots to deodorize the fame whore stench left by a Kartrashian, because she is never coming back into the building again. A source says that Khloe will follow Brit Brit and L.A. Reid out the exit door. Mario Lopez is staying. Hosting coach Marki Costello tells the Post that she's not surprised that Fox sent Khloe back to the ho stroll:

"I am sure there was a big percentage of Khloe’s fans who followed her to ‘X Factor. But at the end of the day, when she doesn’t know what she is doing, are you helping your show or hurting it? It was really hard for me to watch Mario with her. It made me, as a viewer, almost uncomfortable.”

This isn't surprising to anybody, because Khloe was about as stiff as the boner Mario Lopez gets when he looks in the mirror, she couldn't read a teleprompter and her delivery was so plastic and unnatural that she made Kim look like an actual breathing human being who feels real emotions. If they're keeping Mario, they should'nt even bother replacing Khloe's ass, because every co-host will be outshined by the most talented and gloriously gorgeous host in the universe: Mario Lopez. The only co-host that can keep up with Mario Lopez is a Mario Lopez hologram. That's what they should do. They should let Mario co-host with Mario. Yes, Mario won't be able to control himself and he'll try to butt fuck his hologram during the live shows, but that will be the most entertaining thing to come out of X-Factor.

And Simon better pour wolf piss all over his backyard, because if he doesn't, Khloe will gallop down the hill, hop over his fence and come for him.

Carmen Electra can pop out her titty balls all she wants, but they'll never come close to being as naturally plum or as luscious as the extra large man dumpling that decorate Simon Cowell's chest. Does Ryan Seacrest come over every afternoon to gently brush the cashmere soft hairs on her nipple-topped chest pies? I think not. Anyway, before Carmen and Simon had a tit-off for the paps in front of Cecconi's restaurant in West Hollywood, InTouch says they were making everyone inside scream for the check by touching tongues.

Carmen was a guest judge on Britain's Got Talent earlier this year, but she was wearing an engagement ring from Rob Patterson at the time. But now that she's single, she's craving the urge to watch Simon's empanada chichis bounce up and down while he hits it from the front. Someone who witnessed Simon and Carmen get gross with each other said that "at one point, they were talking real close, and he leaned in and kissed her. They started making out!”

Carmen usually gets with the kind of dude who thinks he's bad shit, is covered in tattoos and is so hard he probably wears a clip-on ring on his foreskin, so maybe she's finally grown up and realized that it's best to get with a man whose toilet looks like Scrooge McDuck's vault, because he shits gold coins!!!! And it's also best to get with a man who you can share bras with.

But really, Carmen really does look like she's found true love....with the cameras. Homegirl can't take her eyes off the lens.

It's been a quick millisecond since the X-Factor started filming in Austin, TX and STUNT QUEEN extraordinaire Simon Cowell is already pulling out the tricks. TMZ says that Brit Brit played the quit this bitch card by leaving the judge's table, because she was upset that a contestant on stage slowly murdered her "Hold It Against Me." Yeah, I didn't know it was humanly possible for a ho to make that song sound any worse than it really does. Brit Brit is the only bitch allowed to butcher her songs! So she stormed backstage right after she asked her conservators and three local judges for permission to do so. But she still did it! The perfect commercial break cliffhanger! Will Brit Brit come back? Is she backstage shaving her weave off with one hand while umbrella-ing a production assistant in the dick with the other? Will the audience's bulging and shocked eyeballs ever retreat into their sockets? Will Simon Cowell ever stop deviously patting his hairy chest muffins while cackling over how much attention this mess is getting.

TMZ says that a few contestants auditioned before Brit Brit finally came back to her seat. Some people on Twitter say that it wasn't even that much of a Norma Desmond moment and Brit Brit just took a quick break from judging. They said she eventually came back to the judge's table.

Hold up. Brit Brit took a break while all the other judges sat there? I know what kind of break that was. It was an "unleash the prairie dog" kind of break. Bitch broke it off right over the toilet. Forget the match, somebody light a torch (or a lighter in front of a can of AquaNet will do). That's what happens when Brit Brit eats a Snickers and Doritos sandwich before showtime.

Brit Brit as an X-Factor judge sort of makes sense, because think of all the ad dollars from Starbucks, Frito-Lay and Taco Bell she'll bring in, and if she goes off the script that her puppet handlers will feed into her ear during the live shows, she could be entertaining. Like watching a trailer full of blond weave tracks slowly tumble down an embankment. But Demi Lovato?! Chaka Khan practically threw herself at Simon Cowell for the job and he gives it to a trick who is probably known by most of the world as, "?????????" Hell, Chaka could've pulled off her hair, dropped it into the judge's chair and it still would make a better judge than Demi Lovato. Seeing these four trollops judge a singing competition together is either going to be as awkwardly stiff as visiting your boyfriend in the mental hospital the morning after he had a nervous breakdown in a gay bar (true story) or it's going to be a glorious disaster.

Simon Cowell confirmed all the rumors at the FOX Upfronts in NYC today by officially announcing Brit Brit and Demi as Paul Abdul and Nicole Scherwhatever's replacements. Brit Brit's conservators will make $15 million from this and maybe give her a $20 a week as allowance. Demi will probably be paid in a validated parking pass and a $5 lunch voucher for the cafeteria.

In all seriousness, we shouldn't be surprised by Simon's choices, because what do you expect from a grown man who combs his hair so it looks like he's got a hairy butt on his head. I really hope John Travolta tries to fuck Simon's hair.

Here's a few pictures from Upfronts today and it's nice to see that Brit Brit still has a special way with making a $5,000 designer dress look like some shit from Rainbow.

Most tricks who have nose fucked Simon Cowell between his furry chest turnovers pray every night that another soul never finds out, but glamorous British trash Alicia Douvall isn't like most tricks. Alicia, who is best known around these parts for committing premeditated titty abuse, isn't happy that her name is nowhere in Sweet Revenge, the unauthorized biography about Simon Cowell's life. So what's a fame whore to do when a biography writer won't let her be great? She runs off to The Sun (via Daily Mail) to tell them about her precious moments with Simon Cowell's titties. Alicia's six months with Simon started when they met at a bar in 2001. After a few dates, they finally bumped wet parts and Alicia says they didn't stop until her pussy practically submitted a transfer request.

"On the third of fourth date we ended up doing it 11 times in one night... We started having sex and went on through the night. We slept a little bit in between but only for a few minutes.

Every time we had sex he would analyse my performance just like a judge on the TV and say how there could be an improvement next time."

So this is how Alicia is paying for her 4,965th titty rotation. Simon obviously slipped a check between her plastic baby head titties to say this. Like Simon really fucked Alicia's ugly toe off. Please. They didn't do it 11 times in a row, because if they did his neighbors would've called the bomb squad after smelling the toxic scent of curdled grease and burnt Tupperware coming from his house. But I do like the thought of Simon critiquing a ho after sex. "That last queef was really pitchy. You fuck like a cruise ship performer on Dramamine. It reminded me of the kind of fuck you'd have at a wedding reception."

But you know, maybe I'm totally off base and Alicia is telling the truth. She does have a glimmer in her eye like she's seen the light peeking out of Simon's nipple hole as his chichis bounced up and down while he hit it from the front. I mean, watching Simon's titties bounce IS a spiritual experience.

If you drive by any random clinic in L.A. this morning, you'll probably see Paula Abdul trying to break into one of those locked tin boxes in front of the door, because she needs a quick hit of something medically strong to strangle the feeling of rejection that took over her body after getting fired by Simon Cowell AGAIN! Deadline said last night that the producers of The X-Factor deported Steve Jones back to the UK, sent the defected Apollonia impersonator Nicole Scherzinger back to the Prince factory from which she came from and threw a Percocet into the forest so Paula Abdul could chase after it and get lost. Simon pink-slipped all three of them and is only keeping L.A. Reid as a judge for next season.

FOX confirmed last night that both Steve Jones and Nicole Shitsinger's second season contracts were executed, but they haven't said anything about Paula. TMZ is hearing that Paula heard from a lawyer close to the show that she was about to get the BITCH GOT FIRED card and Simon hasn't called her yet to tell her the news. What a cold cunt Simon is. How could he not take the news, wrap it in ludes dough and then gently feed it to Paula? Simon could've at least shaved the words "you're fired" into his furry tit pies and let Paula read it herself as she suckled on his nipple like she does most nights. Thanks to Simon, none of your medicine cabinets are safe now!

Apparently, Simon hasn't chosen any replacements yet, but the only way I'll watch that wailing shit show is if the new judges are the queen who maced that brat on the subway and Khia.

Masochist vegans who are members of the We Hate Simon Cowell Facebook group have never been more turned on.

Simon Cowell's deflated man tits look like a plate of poorly pounded chicken paillard sloppily breaded in stale rye breadcrumbs, but he's not letting their sad and defeated attitude get to him while he lives the glamorous life on a yacht in St. Barts with his fiancee and ex-girlfriend. While you're in your cubicle eating around the rotten parts of a banana left in the back of your office refrigerator, rich ass Simon and his friends are playing with those bananas for fun! To rich bored bitches, bananas are toys! But on a sad note, I bet this is making Ryan Seacrest wipe a single tear on his OshKosh B'Gosh undershirt, because it wasn't too long ago when the only fruit Simon liked to play with was him. :(

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away in Los Angeles, Paula Abdul is having a deep conversation on her banana phone while a pear transcribes the conversation on a slice of jicama.

You hiding out in the back of your closet while eating ham wrapped around broken pieces of candy cane to keep the dealing-with-your-family-induced drunk barfs down is a holiday tradition and so is me posting pictures of Simon Cowell's luscious German Shepherd tits. Every Christmas, Ryan Gaycrest's main homegirl goes over to Barbados to feed the stray island dogs with the 100% whole leche that shoots out of his nipples holes when he flexes his dough ball chichis.

Don't you just want to get naked and roll all around Simon's fluffy rug breasts, or do whatever the hell you do on a bearskin rug? I was about to say, don't you want you to titty fuck Simon, but how are you going to explain those rug burns on your genitals to your free clinic technician?

It really wouldn't be the holidays without a visit from Simon's double calzones of furry fun. And with that, I wish all of your asses a Merry Christmas. Or as they say in Italy, Buon Natale! Or as I say when I butcher that shit, Bone Natalie!

Is X-Factor always as dramatic as a Mexican funeral? Everybody's crying like they're about to bury somebody. Damn. I don't watch this anymore, but I'm about to slip it into my queue again, because this is the kind of theatrics I like to tuck myself in with at night. In case you didn't watch this emotional disaster last night either, let me set up this mess of a clip for you. Last night's elimination came down to 13-year-old Rachel (Simon's contestant) and Marcus (L.A. Reid's contestant). Simon gave his pink slip to Marcus, L.A. gave his slip to Rachel, Paula gave hers to Marcus and when it came time for that dumb ass Nicole Shitsinger to pick who she thinks should go home, she locked up.

Nicole made the same face she's going to make in a couple of months when she's cleaning up her dressing room after Simon fires her ass for being absolutely useless. Nicole gets paid way too much money to judge a singing show and this ho couldn't even push a vote out of her mouth. Nicole told Rachel and Marcus that this is so hard for her, because she's been up there before. This bottom of the barrel Apollonia impersonator can't be serious. BITCH, you were on The WB Popstars and I think I'm the only one who remembers that (and the only one who owns an Eden's Crush CD). Nicole couldn't decide, so she forced the vote into deadlock by voting for Rachel. The elimination was then up to the public's vote and they voted that 13-year-old Rachel needs to exit stage left. They voted the child out. What happened next was like a Real Housewives meltdown as seen through the eyes of Zeffirelli. That shit should be an opera!

Rachel fell to the floor, got back up and cried to her mom, "Mommy, you promised!" There is a special line at the entrance to Hell for people who laugh at children crying, so I will see you there. Rachel definitely deserves a few Emmys for this, but a special award should go to Nicole for her impressive mime work. I mean, wiping away those invisible tears? Charlie Chaplin is slow clapping up in heaven as I type this.

What a mess. Nicole Scherzinger not only stole Apollonia's entire act, but now she's murdering the dreams of children? Send her to the guillotine!

When Simon Cowell hears "It's a NO from me" from Heaven's gate keeper Bea Arthur after he dies in a tragic self-motorboat accident, he wants his earth body to match the ice cold pile of dead heart meat in his chest. The killer of dreams tells GQ that he wants to pull some Walt Disney shit after he dies by getting cryogenically frozen:

"It's an insurance policy. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. If it does work, I'll be happy. If it's possible, and I think it will be, why not have a second crack? Does that sound crazy? I think it's a good idea."

I have a feeling that if I don't do it now. I could regret this in 300 years' time."

Simon Cowell needs to use all of his zillions of dollars on more important things. Like keeping Paula Abdul out of trouble during breaks on the X-Factor by building a giant Vicodin pill for her to eat herself out of. Because Simon will not be needed in 300 years. All of the singing will be done by Chinese made robot clones of Celine Dion, and nipple-hugging v-neck shirts will be extinct since everybody will wear Hazmat suits to protect themselves from the apocalypse dust that will cover the earth after the birth of Kimtin Kardashian-Bieber in the 2030s. So what is Simon going to wear?!

Besides, does Simon understand that when they freeze your dead body, everything gets stiff and fuck-ready? EVERYTHING. What if Gaycrest outlives Simon? Yup, if I was a Google bot in Ryan Seacrest's laptop, I'd definitely be searching for "cryogenic chamber with a dick hole" right about now.