Simon Cowell

Simon Cowell's full-time titty plumper Mezhgan Hussainy has confirmed to Radar that she is engaged to Ellen Degeneres' arch rival. Mezhgan and Simon met while she was doing make-up on American Idol. Mezhgan added that she's already living in Simon's mansion built on broken dreams.

Simon's spokeswhore wouldn't confirm Mezhgan's confirmation, but he did say this shit:

“They are very suited. She is someone who is independent and says what she thinks and feels, and he likes that. He's probably the happiest I have ever known him in the nine years I've been working with him."

Let's not embrace Mezhgan into the club by stamping her ass cheeks with the "gold digger extraordinaire" label just yet. I'm sure this is real real REAL love. I mean, when Mezhgan looks down at that sparkly ring on her finger, her heart orgasms just thinking about the time that beautiful diamond fell out of Simon's plump nipple. Yes, Simon's nipples spit out diamonds. We know this.

And we totally need to lube ourselves up in Crisco so that we can smuggle into that wedding in Simon's under titty area (he won't notice). Paula Abdul and an open bar in the same room? It's like heaven's waiting room.

Since I haven't been getting my usual fix of Paula's crackery on American Idol each week, I"ll have to get it somehow.

On American Idol's first live show Tuesday night, Ellen Degeneres made a joke that she's sitting far away from Simon Cowell because he wouldn't stop molesting her down low parts. According to TMZ's sources, Ellen and Simon might be sitting far apart because they can't stand each other. Apparently, Ellen would rather have an intimate conversation with Sarah Palin's nipples than spend alone time with Simon.

Sources say that the hate between the two first bloomed during their first week of taping after Simon showed up late and kept the other judges waiting. Shit got serious after that. The sources went on to say that Ellen refuses to respect Simon's cuntness, and isn't happy that he's so mean to the contestants. This of course fuels Simon's bitch fire.

Okay, is Ellen new here, because Simon has been a bitchy ass bitch bitch from bitch town for CENTURIES! I mean, it's in the Bible and everything. But seriously, I hope the feud gets thicker than Kara Diofuckoffalready's skull, because it would take the focus off the fact that our favorite little pill popper is no longer on the panel.

It's hard to watch that mess without Paula Abdul. It's like going to group therapy and finding out that your favorite crazy (the one who would always tell the therapist to eff off) moved or got committed.

The producers of American Idol might be freebasing a mysterious powdery substance left in Paula Abdul's dressing room, because TMZ says they are actively trying to find a replacement for Simon Cowell. And a source says that word on the set is that Elton John is a front-runner for the position. Elton has been a guest judge on Idol before. Elton's spokesbitch wouldn't say shit about this rumor.

Simon Cowell is the truth teller of Idol! Ellen Degeneres is there to tell jokes. Randy Jackson is there to keep the Kraft Services staff company. Kara DioSHUTTHEFUCKUP was planted there by the pharmaceutical companies so millions would pop anti-anxiety meds every minute just to deal with her annoying ass. And Simon is there to bring the truth in the truthiest way possible.

So while I know Elton is clearly capable of bombing the dreams of young singers with his words of bitchery, I still think Simon is irreplaceable. And yes, I too read the word "irreplaceable" in Beyonce's singing voice. Look at what poop culture has done to us.

Personally, I think Simon should drag Elton John and Paula Abdul to the judge's table on X-Factor. Two cunts and a crazy is the formula for an instant success!

Because Simon Cowell is finding it hard to go on without Paula Abdul's hot NyQuil breath making his titty hairs tingle, he has decided that the upcoming season of American Idol will be his last. Don't worry, Simon will continue to destroy dreams and kill futures on the US version of X-Factor, which will premiere on Fox in Fall 2011. Simon made the announcement this afternoon:

"We reached an agreement formally at about half past 10 this morning. Where we have come to and agreed is that X Factor will launch in America in 2011, with me judging the show and exec producing the show. Because of that this will be my last season on 'American Idol,' this year. I felt like doing something different. I want to leave Idol this year bigger and better than it's been before."

When Simon was asked if he has plans to lure Paula to X-Factor by leaving a trail of Vicodin bits from her house to the studio (Warning to Simon: You may attract a Lohan instead), he said, "I adore Paula. Whatever happens with her, I will be working with her in some capacity because I miss her."

So I guess somebody should hand Ryan Gaycrest a shovel (make sure it's toddler-sized) so he can start digging Idol's grave, because that shit cannot go on without Simon. That show runs off of Simon's words of bitchery. Without him, all you've got is LockJaw McDumbTits, Randy Jackson and Ellen Degeneres. Yeah, exactly. American Idol without Simon Cowell is like Roomba Cat without a Roomba.

via Variety

If Matt Roloff's face was chiseled on to Mount Rushmore, it would look just like Gordon Ramsay's mug. For some reason, Simon Cowell had an issue with that and advised Gordon to get his crevices filled. Yes, Gordon took plastic surgery advice from Simon Cowell. However, Simon's juicy fur tits are pretty hypnotizing, so I'd probably listen to him too.

42-year-old (in humans year) Gordon told The Radio Times (via The Daily Mail), "Simon Cowell suggested that now I'm a success in America, I should do something, so I had a filler put under the deep crevices. It hurt. My mother said they were smile lines. I could deal with that at 21, but not at 42."

SMILE LINES?! I'm sure that if Gordon Ramsay ever made a smiley face, they would cover it in world history class. Gordon cracking a smile is physically impossible.

While I understand that Gordon doesn't want the chin of a hemorrhoid anymore, it does concern me a little. I mean, is Gordon still going to be able to open his mouth wide enough to perfectly shout gems like, "YOU BLOODY DUMB FUCKING COW" or "YOU MOTHERCUNT FUCKING DOG SHIT ASSHOLE"? Because Gordon can't let vanity get in the way of him sharing his poetry with the world.

Last season, Simon Cowell was paid $35 million for American Idol. This season, Simon will get anywhere from $100 million to $144 million. That's what The New York Post is claiming. Meanwhile, Paula Abdul continues to get paid in Adderrall pills bought from the internet and handwritten I.O.U. notes.

Simon's contract is up in May and he knows very well how important he is to American Idol. The reality crap fiesta brings in almost $1 billion in ad revenue and Simey believes he deserves a nice slice of that.

Yes, what you probably make a year, Simon is going to make an hour.

Simon will get paid zillions of dollars for keeping his moobies plump and saying the same insult over and over again while sipping on Crystal Light Lemonade in a Coca-Cola cup. Hmmmmm. Sound familiar? *Looks down at pancake moobies, reads first page of Dlisted and sees the same joke over and over again, glances at the Crystal Light Lemonade in a SpongeBob SquarePants cup.* Close enough! Now, where's my $144 million?! Shit, I'd settle for 144 Bakeshop Twists (my new favorite thing).

Simon Cowell is about to trump Oprah as the highest paid pussycat on TV. Last year, Oprah reportedly made a total of $275 million. If a new deal goes through, Simon's nipples will soon be squirting gold leche.

The New York Post says that Simon is in talks with British billionaire Sir Philip Green to start a new production company that will create TV shows in the UK and the US. On top of that, Simon's contract with American Idol is up for re-negotiation and you know he's going to milk those hos dry. A source said that Simon's new contract with Idol will "make him the best-paid star of TV."

There's no way Oprah is going to sit on her diamond-studded throne and just let this happen. Don't be surprised if you see Gayle King on the ho stroll selling ass in a spandex mini-skirt and leather pasties. Homegirl is going to have to contribute to the family fortune!