Trash

Don't go running through the streets shouting "FINALLY! PRAISE JESUS" just yet, because this shit is faker than Brooke Hogan's rubber vagina. Sorry to break your heart like that.

At a press conference for Hulkmania in Australia, Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair got into a brawl which ended in tomato sauce being shed. Bitches are so dramatic.

Either the McDonald's ketchup packet hidden under Hulk's bandanna popped at the right time or he pulled a Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler by taking a razor to his head. Bitch should've taken a razor to that peroxide weave of fug instead.

In real-life, Hulk could destroy Ric just by flashing one of his roidy-filled veins at him. Shit, I think most of us could win in a battle against Ric. Look at that pepaw! All we would have to do is distract him by throwing a warm compress in the corner or dangle a bag of Metamucil chips in front of him.

Michael Lohan might have been the only bitch who truly enjoyed I Know Who Killed Me. He might have enjoyed it a little tooooo much if this story about him is true. Warning: Sucioness ahead.

Elliot Osher, the former owner of Scores strip club in NYC, tells Rush & Molloy that Michael Lohan once ordered up a LiLo look-alike to dance for him . Elliot said, "Lindsay Lohan's father once sat down and described the kind of dancer he was looking for. We sent some girls over. Funny, they all seemed to look like Lindsay."

Michael immediately queefed on Elliot's accusations, "No girls danced for me. The last thing I'd want to see is a girl who looked like Lindsay. I don't even look at the magazines where she's done some risqué photos."

But Elliot stands by his claim, "Maybe he just doesn't remember. The next week, Lindsay wanted to meet the girls who'd danced for her dad."

If Michael waits a few months, he can probably get the real thing to dance for him at the Spearmint Rhino during the morning shift. Just looking at a picture of Michael Lohan makes me want to call a hotline for help, so this rumor doesn't really surprise me. This is why you can never trust a tampon in a mesh shirt!

Seriously, the Lohan fuckery must come to an end. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. And by "someone," I mean our souls and appetites.

Here's LiLo looking like the picture of sobriety while showing up to a house party at 4:30 in the morning. Don't worry, she was there for sunrise bible study.

Remember when Shayna Lameass called The Empress of Lucite "pure trash"? Just pretend you do and nod your head yes. Well, look who is the piece of trash now! Garbage day is now on Sunday, because this bitch Shayna Lamas got arrested for DUI.

TMZ, Radar, Penny Saver or Craigslist Missed Connections didn't break the story. No, they didn't want to spend their Saturday night Googling to find out who the hell Shayne Lamas is. Instead Shayne told E! (the network her reality show airs on) about the incident and issued her own prepared statement:

"Early Saturday morning, after consuming one drink, I willingly drove through a mandatory check point on my way home with complete confidence of passing. However, the breathalyzer indicated that I was over the legal limit of blood alcohol content and was arrested onsite. I take full responsibility for my lack of judgment. I have always strived to be a role model for my friends, family and fans and have never nor will ever condone drinking and driving. I apologize for all those I have disappointed, including myself."

I just went in to the next room to ask my ceiling fan if he knew who this trick was and the bitch gave me the silent treatment. So I will take that as a big NO. Obviously, Shayne is still drunk off of that one famewhore-tini, because she's talking foolishness with that "role model for my fans" shit.

Look! It's a giant asshole and a giant pussy. You decide which is which.

If you happened to be making your way to Times Square in NYC last night when your genitals suddenly jumped off your crotch and headed straight for Port Authority, you now know why. Jon Grosslelin and Levi Johnston shared the same space in Times Square to shoot a segment for The Insider. Where was Nancy Grace or Kate Gosselin's rabid possum head when we needed them most?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go douse my pea coat with pig's blood and feed it to a pack of wild coyotes.

Image VIA NYDN

Here's a few outtakes from Harper's Bazaar of Kristen Stewart, her wig and the Keeper of the Magical Forest getting all close. This is also proof that Kristen can't act her way out of any kind of bag even when she tries. Okay, the truth is, I like Kristen's trash bag gown, but only because it reminds me of one of my favorite homeless ladies in NYC. This one hot bitch always ran around the streets wearing a dress made out of Hefty sacks and Ziploc bags. She once called me a "shifty fag." It really was love at first hate.

Anyway, don't let these pictures fool you. RPattz and Kristen are definitely not bumping taints under the sheets. RPattz is only looking at her like that, because he's picturing her as a giant corn on the cob. Corn brings out of his emotions.

Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes proudly pranced out of the always private Katsuya restaurant in West Hollywod last night looking happier than two famewhores in a sea of paps. Both of them looking pretty smug, but I'd have the same look on my face if I was bouncing on Eddie Cibrian, Sure, the dude is an asshole of epic proportions, but he could slap a baby bunny and you'd still spin on that shit.

And I think it's time that Renee Zellweger hand down the title of "Squinty" to LeAnn, because bitch always looks constipated in the eyes. Pass the fart, and open your eyes, HO!

Image you're a horse (Trace Cyrus, you're excused from class) who is forced to work in NYC on a rainy Saturday night. You would rather be in your stall, smoking some hay and watching the uncut version of My Friend Flicka. So you're already hating life, and then two giant asshole sclimb into your carriage expecting a romantic ride through the park. What do you do?

Do you sacrifice yourself for humanity and run off the nearest bridge? Do eat Hailey Glassman and say you thought she was a rotten carrot who needed to be put out of its misery? Or do you just suck it up and take them for a ride hoping that Kate Gosselin's rabid possum jumps into the carriage to ravage the both of 'em?

Well, that horse is better than me, because it went with the last option. If only somebody told that horsey it would win the Nobel Peace Prize if it just kicked Jon and Hailey in the ass bone.

And no, she wasn't put in handcuffs because she's associated with the Lord of the Fleshbeards Spencer Pratt. And she also wasn't arrested, because the police thought The Joker got a sex change in order to evade them. No, Stephanie Pratt of The Hills' was arrested for getting behind the wheel of a car while suffering from a serious case of the DRUNKS. File this under: "So this is how we're trying to stay relevant."

TMZ says that She-Pratt was taken into custody at 3:45 this morning in Hollywood on suspicion of driving under the influence. She is currently sitting in a jail cell on $5,000 bail.

She-Pratt's latest arrest is just another credit on her already glittery record. Back in 2006, she was busted for trying to steal a bunch of fancy stuff from a Neiman Marcus in Honolulu.

To be fair, if I was related to Twit & Twat, I'd be permanently hooked up to an IV bag filled with various kinds of the bad shit and every brand of booze. However, Stephanie didn't need to drive. Stephanie should've puffed up those balloon lips just a little bit more, and they would've carried her home safely.

(Image: WENN.com/FayesVision)

No, Jon Grosselin was not sued by thousands of people whose eyelashes were singed off after staring directly into his piping hot Ed Hardy fugness. No, instead TLC has punched Jon in his moobs with a giant lawsuit. TLC filed papers this morning in Maryland claiming that Jon breached his contract by stopping production on Douche & Kunt Plus Those Kids Whose Lives We're Ruining.

In the lawsuit, TLC states that on the day they demoted Jon from "star" to "extra" on the reality show about his life, he immediately demanded that he be let out of his contract. Jon threatened that if TLC didn't drop the exclusivity clause in his contract, he'd stop his adorable money makers from filming anymore episodes of the show. Even though TLC never let Jon out of his contract, he bad-mouthed the show and network to the media. TLC IS GETTING REVENGE!

If TLC bleeds Jon of his entire supply of douche-rags, CZ studs and Axe butthole wash, then I co-sign this lawsuit. However, I really think TLC needs to stop putting all their energy into Jon & Kate. I mean, what about Mermaid Girl, or the world's fattest man, or the woman with giant legs?! WE NEED MORE OF THEM. There's other people to exploit, TLC!

Source: Radar

Even though Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom had a big wedding filled with romantic shit like cameras, lace jock strops (all for the bride), scripts, stage managers and fluffers, they still aren't legally married. Khloe and Lamar still have their dicks out over the prenup.

TMZ is saying that Lamar isn't about to lay down and let Khloe do him in the butt (not over this anyway). WHEN they divorce, Lamar has agreed to pay Khloe a yearly lump of cash no matter how long their marriage lasts (SPOILER ALERT: not longer than a sneeze). Lamar's deal with the Lakers is worth around $33 million, and he doesn't want Khloe to get her beastly claws on that shit. Lamar doesn't want his income to be community property.

Sources close to Khloe says that she's willing to accept the deal, because she thinks she can get Lamar to loosen up later on.

Khloe should get Lamar to promise that he'll pay for her body waxing sessions and asshole bleaching for the rest of her days. That's a big chunk of cash right there. Khloe should also get Lamar to agree to NEVER EVER raise his lip (see above) like that again. Maybe he thinks that if he makes a "Cowardly Lion after a seizure" face, Khloe will look less beastly. Didn't work.

And just for the record, I'm starting a fan club for Khloe's whore-ensemble. Love that slut dress, but not on Khloe.