Trash

Here's a few outtakes from Harper's Bazaar of Kristen Stewart, her wig and the Keeper of the Magical Forest getting all close. This is also proof that Kristen can't act her way out of any kind of bag even when she tries. Okay, the truth is, I like Kristen's trash bag gown, but only because it reminds me of one of my favorite homeless ladies in NYC. This one hot bitch always ran around the streets wearing a dress made out of Hefty sacks and Ziploc bags. She once called me a "shifty fag." It really was love at first hate.

Anyway, don't let these pictures fool you. RPattz and Kristen are definitely not bumping taints under the sheets. RPattz is only looking at her like that, because he's picturing her as a giant corn on the cob. Corn brings out of his emotions.

Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes proudly pranced out of the always private Katsuya restaurant in West Hollywod last night looking happier than two famewhores in a sea of paps. Both of them looking pretty smug, but I'd have the same look on my face if I was bouncing on Eddie Cibrian, Sure, the dude is an asshole of epic proportions, but he could slap a baby bunny and you'd still spin on that shit.

And I think it's time that Renee Zellweger hand down the title of "Squinty" to LeAnn, because bitch always looks constipated in the eyes. Pass the fart, and open your eyes, HO!

Image you're a horse (Trace Cyrus, you're excused from class) who is forced to work in NYC on a rainy Saturday night. You would rather be in your stall, smoking some hay and watching the uncut version of My Friend Flicka. So you're already hating life, and then two giant asshole sclimb into your carriage expecting a romantic ride through the park. What do you do?

Do you sacrifice yourself for humanity and run off the nearest bridge? Do eat Hailey Glassman and say you thought she was a rotten carrot who needed to be put out of its misery? Or do you just suck it up and take them for a ride hoping that Kate Gosselin's rabid possum jumps into the carriage to ravage the both of 'em?

Well, that horse is better than me, because it went with the last option. If only somebody told that horsey it would win the Nobel Peace Prize if it just kicked Jon and Hailey in the ass bone.

And no, she wasn't put in handcuffs because she's associated with the Lord of the Fleshbeards Spencer Pratt. And she also wasn't arrested, because the police thought The Joker got a sex change in order to evade them. No, Stephanie Pratt of The Hills' was arrested for getting behind the wheel of a car while suffering from a serious case of the DRUNKS. File this under: "So this is how we're trying to stay relevant."

TMZ says that She-Pratt was taken into custody at 3:45 this morning in Hollywood on suspicion of driving under the influence. She is currently sitting in a jail cell on $5,000 bail.

She-Pratt's latest arrest is just another credit on her already glittery record. Back in 2006, she was busted for trying to steal a bunch of fancy stuff from a Neiman Marcus in Honolulu.

To be fair, if I was related to Twit & Twat, I'd be permanently hooked up to an IV bag filled with various kinds of the bad shit and every brand of booze. However, Stephanie didn't need to drive. Stephanie should've puffed up those balloon lips just a little bit more, and they would've carried her home safely.

(Image: WENN.com/FayesVision)

No, Jon Grosselin was not sued by thousands of people whose eyelashes were singed off after staring directly into his piping hot Ed Hardy fugness. No, instead TLC has punched Jon in his moobs with a giant lawsuit. TLC filed papers this morning in Maryland claiming that Jon breached his contract by stopping production on Douche & Kunt Plus Those Kids Whose Lives We're Ruining.

In the lawsuit, TLC states that on the day they demoted Jon from "star" to "extra" on the reality show about his life, he immediately demanded that he be let out of his contract. Jon threatened that if TLC didn't drop the exclusivity clause in his contract, he'd stop his adorable money makers from filming anymore episodes of the show. Even though TLC never let Jon out of his contract, he bad-mouthed the show and network to the media. TLC IS GETTING REVENGE!

If TLC bleeds Jon of his entire supply of douche-rags, CZ studs and Axe butthole wash, then I co-sign this lawsuit. However, I really think TLC needs to stop putting all their energy into Jon & Kate. I mean, what about Mermaid Girl, or the world's fattest man, or the woman with giant legs?! WE NEED MORE OF THEM. There's other people to exploit, TLC!

Source: Radar

Even though Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom had a big wedding filled with romantic shit like cameras, lace jock strops (all for the bride), scripts, stage managers and fluffers, they still aren't legally married. Khloe and Lamar still have their dicks out over the prenup.

TMZ is saying that Lamar isn't about to lay down and let Khloe do him in the butt (not over this anyway). WHEN they divorce, Lamar has agreed to pay Khloe a yearly lump of cash no matter how long their marriage lasts (SPOILER ALERT: not longer than a sneeze). Lamar's deal with the Lakers is worth around $33 million, and he doesn't want Khloe to get her beastly claws on that shit. Lamar doesn't want his income to be community property.

Sources close to Khloe says that she's willing to accept the deal, because she thinks she can get Lamar to loosen up later on.

Khloe should get Lamar to promise that he'll pay for her body waxing sessions and asshole bleaching for the rest of her days. That's a big chunk of cash right there. Khloe should also get Lamar to agree to NEVER EVER raise his lip (see above) like that again. Maybe he thinks that if he makes a "Cowardly Lion after a seizure" face, Khloe will look less beastly. Didn't work.

And just for the record, I'm starting a fan club for Khloe's whore-ensemble. Love that slut dress, but not on Khloe.

When it's announced that the world's supply of silicone has gone dry, send your hate/thank you letters to Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I mean, DAMN! Usually, when I see a pair of gigantic chichi balls, I want to curl up between them and take a long afternoon nap. But these things make me want to grab the cross. Seriously, if Kim hugged you, your rib cage would break and your lungs would fall into your stomach. It wouldn't be good. They should give Kim the Olympic gold medal in weightlifting for carrying around those medicine balls. And am I the only one that suddenly has the urge to go bowling?

But on a positive note, at least Kim's breasts of destruction take the focus off her Barbie cemetery wig.

Here's more of Kim at last night's Fox Reality Awards. I also threw in some pictures of Vivica Fox, Lorenzo Lamas, Shayne Lamas, Judy Tenuta (with an OctoMom boa), Wonky, Nicky Hilton, Gretchen Bonaduce, Dairy (typo and it stays) DeLaWhora, Eric Roberts, Antonio Sabato Jr., his hot mom, Gretchen Rossi, Big Brother's Chima (with Mr. Empress of Lucite), Cindy Margolis and Adrianne Curry.

A Pennyslvania judge has demanded that Ed Hardy's down-low lover Jon Grosselin has to return $180,000 of the $230,000 he snatched from his joint checking account with Kate Gosselin. An arbitrator will determine what happens to the remaining $55,000.

Jon has until October 26th to pay up or he has to face the judge again for contempt. I'm sure the judge will punish Jon by making him sleep without his Ed Hardy pillow person.

Kate issued this statement to TMZ: "As difficult as this has been for me, I am pleased that the Court has ruled fairly on behalf of myself and my children. Now that this matter has been ruled on, I look forward to returning to private arbitration, as we have agreed to do, to resolve any remaining issues."

As much as it pleases my soul to know that Kate's rabid possum will get to eat live mice again, I'm a little concerned. How is Jon going to pay his fancy lil' lawyer now? If Jon can't pay his fancy lil' lawyer, how is his fancy lil' lawyer going to maintain his fanciness? No more fancy hair plugs. No more fancy fake tanning. No more fancy Louis Vuitton business woman purses. No more fancy lil' boy suits from Brooks Brothers. No more fancy lifts. And no more fancy 14k gold thongs (you know he wears that shit). Insert fancy sad face here.

You might have already read about pet "teacup pigs" being all the rage right now. So, of course, Parasite Hilton had to get on that by dropping $4,500 for her very own micro piggy from Oregon. Wonky's new toy has already arrived and she named her "Miss Pigelette." Apparently, unlike Wonky, Miss Pigelette is already potty-trained.

Wonky's spokesbitch said: "Paris is thrilled! She is a major animal lover and is excited for the arrival of her new piglette."

Just because Wonky is always in the doggy-style position doesn't make her a "major animal lover."

Poor piggy is going to get bullied around by Wonky's crotch crustaceans! They are going to nip at it and force it to hide underneath the sofa. And if that's not bad enough, the swine probably has the Wonky Flu by now. Why isn't Peta parachuting into Wonky's house to save that piglet!

Speaking of "poor creatures in distress," here's Wonky at the opening of Carnival in NYC the other night with a chimp. Why is that chimp kissing on Wonky? Doesn't he know where her mouth has been?! Free clinic, here he comes. Sad faces all around.

Today is the Gosselin twins' 9th birthday party, and Jon Gosselin tells Entertainment Tonight that it could turn into World War III. The battle between the rabid possum and the corroded ass wart will be caught on film, because Jon is bringing the ET camera crew to the party. These assholes make OctoCrazy (remember her?) look like the perfect picture of sanity and health. Hopefully, Jon or Kate gave their girls a never-ending prescription of Valium, because those kids are going to need it.

Jon whined that Kate wouldn't allow him to come to the party, but he insisted on it, "She's basically saying it would be too stressful to the kids to have both of us here, like we originally planned. I'm just going to stay! I own the house, so I can do what I want. She's trying to prevent me from seeing my kids on their birthday because she doesn't want to see me. She doesn't want to hear my apology. She doesn’t want to work things out."

When Jon & Kate filed for divorce did they also file for divorce from acting like adults? FUCK! Jon is acting like a toddler who went poopy in his panties and doesn't know what to do about it. Just suck it up. Pretending to like someone is not hard. I do it on a daily basis. When you're in their presence, just picture yourself slowly strangling them. It will make you smile, and then they will smile seeing you smile. It's not hard!

And when is Nancy Grace going to eat both of them already?! In case you missed it, here's Nancy going after Jon (round 2) on The Insider. By the way, those aren't CZs in Jon's ears. They are Christian Audigier's kidney stones.

Here's Jon picking up the girls' birthday cake in NYC before driving to Pennsylvania. SPOILER ALERT: He ate the cake in the car.