It's Not Easy Being A Cunt

If you were hoping that during the Spice Girls' performance at the Olympics closing ceremony on Sunday night, Morrissey and The Queen will come out holding hands to shake their titties around Posh Spice, I've got news for you, it's not going to happen. Morrissey is still a lump of glum and he would rather have a threesome with Diana Ross and Steve Wonder in China than spend another minute putting his eyes on the Olympic coverage. Morrissey went on his site and rage typed out a long rant on the Olympics even though he totally doesn't watch the Olympics. Since this Morrissey we're talking about, he obviously threw in a Nazi reference.

And, yet! I am unable to watch the Olympics due to the blustering jingoism that drenches the event. Has England ever been quite so foul with patriotism? The "dazzling royals" have, quite naturally, hi-jacked the Olympics for their own empirical needs, and no oppositional voice is allowed in the free press. It is lethal to witness. As London is suddenly promoted as a super-wealth brand, the England outside London shivers beneath cutbacks, tight circumstances and economic disasters. Meanwhile the British media present 24-hour coverage of the "dazzling royals", laughing as they lavishly spend, as if such coverage is certain to make British society feel fully whole. In 2012, the British public is evidently assumed to be undersized pigmies, scarcely able to formulate thought.
As I recently drove through Greece I noticed repeated graffiti seemingly everywhere on every available wall. In large blue letters it said WAKE UP WAKE UP. It could almost have been written with the British public in mind, because although the spirit of 1939 Germany now pervades throughout media-brand Britain, the 2013 grotesque inevitability of Lord and Lady Beckham (with Sir Jamie Horrible close at heel) is, believe me, a fate worse than life. WAKE UP WAKE UP.

I don't know why, but to me "jingoism" sounds like a condition when a dude's jizz is so coagulated that it won't come out of his peen hole.

Morrissey is telling lies, he's telling lies! That human black cloud is hooked on the Olympics. I can tell. You know how when you watch porn, you keep a browser tab (with Masterpiece Theater on it, obviously) open in case somebody walks in on you? You quickly click over to Masterpiece Theater so it looks like you're just getting cultured instead of getting off. Morrissey does the opposite of that. Morrissey watches the Olympics and keeps a browser tab (with porn on it) open in case somebody walks in on him. And when Morrissey lets out a wall-shaking groan at the sight of the "dazzling royals" at the Olympics, he can just say that the porn he was watching was so hot that it made him cum through his mouth. Morrissey can't fool me.

And here's the "dazzling royals" smiling extra for Morrissey at some Olympic events yesterday.

The last time we left the Cunty Crusty Queen vs. Cunty Crusty Queen feud, Elton John and his husband David Furnish were mad at Madge for beating them for the Best Song trophy at the Golden Globes earlier this year. Well, Elton is still sticking his nose up Lady CaCa's ass while farting all over Madge, and yes Elton's farts smell like rotten hydrangeas marinating in rusty toilet tank water. During an interview in Australia with music journalist Molly Meldrum, Elton grabbed Madge by the hair, dragged her across the floor, stopped for a second after his hip gave out and then continued to drag, drag, drag that bitch. Elton blew air kisses at CaCa, Katy Perry and RiRi, but said that Madge needs to put it away.

"She is such a nightmare. I'm sorry. Her career is over. Her tour has been a disaster and it couldn’t happen to a bigger cunt.

If Madonna had any common sense she would have made a record like Ray Of Light and stayed away from the dance stuff and just been a great pop singer and make great pop records, which she does brilliantly. But no, she had to go and prove… she looks like a fucking fairground stripper.”

Damn, when are we going to find out that Madge butt fucked herself with Elton's favorite pair of glasses? But I hope that Elton never stops being a bitter old bitch queen and never stops shooting balls of pressed hate with his mouth at Madge, because nothing is more entertaining than two egotistical bitches beating each other down. Bitterness does get better with age. And I don't expect Madge to respond to Elton's hate. Madge is too busy lurking in the darkness behind Elton, patiently waiting for his 19-year-old son Zachary to turn 18, so she can get the ultimate revenge on her rival by marrying his first born! If the gods have any love for us, they'll make this happen.

And skip to the 7:24 mark below to see Elton take a swat at Madge's fairground stripper crotch AGAIN:

via Queerty

Oh, it's been much too long since we've all frozen our finger tips on the ice cold cuntiness that pours out of Kunty Karl's ghoulish prune lips when he comes for a bitch. This newest ice pick of words from the Grand Dame Bitch of the House of the Death Eaters comes from The Sun and normally I look at anything that comes from The Sun with suspect eyes, but Kunty Karl would totally say this. It's practically stamped with a platinum certified cunt seal. (FYI: The platinum certified cunt seal is a picture of Choupette Lagerfeld winking.) As Karl ran his fingers through the mop of cob webs on top of his head, he shat out this piece of pot kettle pricelessness about the Middleton sisters:

"Kate Middleton has a nice silhouette and she is the right girl for that boy. I like that kind of woman, I like romantic beauties. On the other hand, her sister struggles. I don't like the sister's face. She should only show her back."

Kunty Karl slapped her down like that. Damn. That crypt keeper went IN on her. That's like a poem by Yeats if Yeats was a straight-up, black-hearted harsh bitch who had his soul removed because it made him look fat. But I'm sure Karl will make it up to Pippa by sending her an apology gift in the form of a $50,000 Chanel bag made out of pink dolphin leather with a note written in his black blood that says: "This would look good over your head. Kisses, KK". Pippa should really take that as a compliment, because if Kunty Karl doesn't like her face then that means he'll never slurp blood from her neck veins. Bitch is lucky. Although, he might slurp blood from her butt veins......

Crazy bitch Robert Blake vs. Charlie Potatoes, Spidey vs. Sparkle Vamp and now Channing Tatum vs. Alex Pettyfer. It's officially Dick Fight Thursday.

Some of us have heard the stories and rumors that have painted (in Benjamin Moore shade: Douche Berry Brown) Alex Petmyfur as a boiled cunt sausage who is so difficult to work with that he makes butt fucking yourself with a wet hot dog bun seem easy and pleasant. Apparently, Channing Tatum found this out the hard way. Yeah, Channing looks like he's been punched in the face repeatedly and Alex needs to get punched in the face repeatedly.

Page Six says that while filming the blue ball inducer titled Magic Mike, Channing really wanted to grab Alex, pull down that trick's panties and brand the word "DIVA" into one of his nalgas. A source said that everyone on the Magic Mike set tried to get those two to play nice, but Channing washed his hands of Alex and wants nothing to do with him. The source says that's why Alex wasn't on the cover of Entertainment Weekly with the other hot pieces.

“Channing said he didn’t want to do [the shoot] if Alex was there,” our source sniffed. “Alex is known in Hollywood for being rude and difficult.” Previous reports have chronicled Pettyfer’s issues on other movie sets.

But a rep for Pettyfer told us about the EW shoot: “They were all offered the cover, and everyone was happy to do it with everyone else. Alex was unavailable to travel to New York . . . because he had another commitment that he couldn’t get out of. It was purely a logistical issue that prevented Alex from getting there.”

There's only one way to settle this: lubed-up sword fight at dusk on Joe ManJello's abs. Film it in 3D and there's your sequel to Magic Mike.

And here's Carol O'Neal and the Texas T-Rex obviously talking shit about Alex while posing for photographers at a photo call for Magic Mike in Berlin.

Niall Horan, a member of the boy band who are largely responsible for sucking up all of the planet's resources by blowing their hair out in one direction every hour on the hour, sashayed through Dublin Airport earlier this week and greeted his fans the same way I always love to be greeted when I'm sitting with a group. Niall waved and then dropped a wet c-bomb on all of them by saying, “Remember the last time I walked out here… you shower of cunts.” I know, Niall shouldn't be yodeling out sugar sweet lyrics to the masses. Niall should be writing poetry.

But some bitches threw hate at Niall for calling his fans "cunts" and unfortunately he didn't keep with the "genitals in mass quantities" theme by telling them to eat a bowl of dicks. Niall pulled out the sowwy card on Twitter (via Idolator):

really sorry if I caused any offence. It was just banter with fans who I think of more as mates

but I understand that it's not a word I should be using at all

I usually CAN'T with anything One Direction does, because even though I have a kitten t-shirt in my drawer, I am not a 12-year-old girl, but this is hilarious. I mean, a barely legal boy greeting people by calling them Sandusky's worst nightmare? But really, what do you expect from a dude who has the last name Horan? I know, I'm jealous of Niall, because I wish my last name was a verb that perfectly describes how I like to spend every second of the day.

File this under: Some All About Eve shit.

Madge will start twerking her muscled prune crotch for the children in her MDNA tour in Tel Aviv this Thursday, and over the weekend someone uploaded rehearsal footage (via HuffPo) of her showing us that some things get better with age, like all-natural cuntiness. Remember when the gays had to take sides (I chose the side marked "Stacey Q FOREVER") after Lady CaCa Xerox copied "Express Yourself" and labeled it "Born This Way"? Well, Madge is keeping the bitchiness going by performing a mash-up (I like to call the Reductive Remix) of "Express Yourself" and "Born This Way" followed by "She's Not Me." If that isn't a subtle chancleta slap to the tuck, I don't know what is. Madge earned a AARP black card for that brilliant cunt stunt move. Do it, Madge! Put that copy + paste bitch in her place and let her know that abuelitas are never EVER the one.

Here's a few pictures of Madge giving us some Granny Got Your Gun moves during rehearsal two days ago.

Sharon Stone's heart is made of dehydrated Dalmatian puppy meat and she once skinned a Fraggle alive with her bare teeth in front of its family (exhibit: A), so I'm close to checking the "I Believe it!" box under The Los Angeles Times' story about how she brought her signature cold-blooded bitchiness on her former nanny. Sharon's ex-nanny Erlinda Elemen says Sharon didn't let her keep a Bible in the house (because the word of the lord goes against Sharon's Illuminati beliefs, duh) and always made fun of her Filipino accent. In other words, Sharon so didn't vote for Jessica Sanchez on American Idol.

In a lawsuit filed by Erlinda in L.A. today, she claimed that Sharon pink-slipped her ass after finding out that she was paid overtime. Erlinda regularly worked over 40 hours a week and so Sharon's staff paid her overtime. When Sharon found about out this, she demanded that Erlinda pay the money back and when she was met with a boldfaced NO, she fired Erlinda. Sharon told Erlinda that working overtime without her permission was "illegal."

Erlinda also claims that working for Sharon was like holding a rusty nail between your ass cheeks while a pit bull barks in your face. It was a terrifying nightmare. Sharon constantly said Filipino people are "stupid" and told Erlinda not to talk to her three children, because she didn't want them to have a Filipino accent. Sharon made fun of Erlinda for going to church and didn't let her read the Bible in the house even though she lived there.

Erlinda started working for Sharon as her part-time nanny in 2006 and 2 years later she was promoted to head nanny. Sharon fired Erlinda on a day in February 2011.

This is seriously some Nanny Diaries shit. But if Sharon is such a Filipino-hating racist crazy, why would she hire a Filipino nanny in the first place? Unless, Sharon truly is 100% evil and making fun of Erlinda tickled the rotten veins in her dead heart. That makes sense, because I have heard (no, I haven't) that when one of those Sarah McLachlan SPCA PSAs come on TV, Sharon laughs at it while masturbating with a taxidermy puppy. They don't call her Cruella de Stone for nothing!

Courtney Love talked to Grub Street about food (yeah, I don't know either) and said that chocolate is too average for her and she's traded mainlining heroin for mainlining sugar at 4 in the morning. Courtney also dropped a dingle that you can slip right into the "That's Our GOOP!" file. Courtney is trying to get back into acting and when she told her friend Fishsticks Paltrow this, she was met with a judgmental look down and some advice wrapped in organic bitchiness:

Sometimes I forget to eat. Right now I'm 125 pounds and five foot, eleven inches, but my "rock weight" was 160. I think I'm a sexy beast at 160, but Gwyneth is the one who told me that if you want to act, and I do want to get back to acting, "You are your own advertisement."

Oh, and the funny thing is Courtney lost some chunk on a fish sticks and lemon water diet.

I once lost a ton of weight from a fish-sticks-and-lemon-water diet. That's how I started my own band; I had to lose all that weight first, apparently. Anyway, I love lemon water; it's the key to life.

I'm pretty sure "fish sticks" and "lemon water" is code for breaded heroin needles and meth pipe water. My idea of a Fishsticks diet is reading GOOP until I barf up everything but my stomach lining.

Fishy is right about the "own advertisement" thing. I mean, she's obviously a walking advertisement for pretentious cunts and she does it so well. But Fishy needs to stop trying to change Courtney. Courtney is a stumbling advertisement for sloppy, crazy, delusional messes and if she changed herself who will sloppy, crazy, delusional messes look up to? Don't make them look up to White Oprah. That's just cruel...even for Fishsticks.

Here's Fishy looking like Judy Jetson as a slutty nurse at the Met Ball last night. That weeping side-tit tells me she's advertising bras or Cisco Adler's saggy nutacks. Unfortunately, Courtney didn't show up to the Met Ball last night, because she got into a fight with her dress on Twitter. No, Court's dress isn't on Twitter, but don't tell her that. But Court was there in cracked out spirit thanks to Cocoa Rocha (who did not do Elizabeth Taylor's old suit justice) and Chloe Sevigny.

The Wanted, who I guess are like the Backstreet Boys to One Direction's 'N Sync or like the New Edition to One Direction's New Kids (In other words: I'm old), performed on The Voice recently and they left with the taste of bitchy bitterness and hot lipstick in their mouths. While talking to Now FM (via Digital Spy), they said that Christina Aguilera was more like Cuntina Aguilera. SHOTS FIRED! Here's the transcript detectives will study after The Wanted becomes The Missing!:

Max: Yeah, she's a bit scary, to be honest.

Host: I thought she looked really good. I thought she looked alright.

The Wanted one in all black: SHE'S A TOTAL BITCH!

Host: Ooooooh, is she?

The Wanted one in all black: She's a total bitch.

Host: Was she mean to you?

The Wanted one in all black: She might not be a bitch in real life, but to us she was a bitch. She just sat there and didn't speak to us. Not even look at us.

Host: Christina, how dare you give him the mean mug. Don't do that.

The Wanted one in a beanie: She might've been in a bad mood that day cause she completely (something something'ed) Justin Bieber. He went in for a hug and she's like....

Host: "Why are you coming near me?" I saw that. Can't be mean to these guys. Look at them. She was just mad, because Max didn't run off the stage. Like on American Idol, I was like, did he just make out with JLo?

Max: Well, JLo's hot .Christina's nothing special.

Oh, those sweet, naive British-Irish boys don't even know. Some of them are Irish, which means they've got the sweet nectar naturally running through their veins, which means Drunktina will sniff them down and swallow them up in one gulp. They'll spend the rest of eternity trapped in her gut, slowly getting suffocated by the Spanx cocoon she wraps herself in. It's over for them. Even the YouTube commenters know what I'm talking about:

The unwanted. The fact GODTINA can sing better than them put together and has been in the music industry for over 10 years should be something they should take note of. They've been around nearly two years. Oh and she can sing.

What grown ass men talks s#!t about a woman who is older than they are? They're barely starting and already making unnecessary rude comments about someone they don't know. Just in a moment in time, Cursetina will strike their lame asses.....

HA at "Cursetina." I love how we can throw almost any word or set of words in front of "tina" and it works. Snookitina, Cursetina, Cuntina, Burritotina, Godtina, Bloatina, Huntingdownthewantedtoskinthemrawtina...

Here's the #1 enemies of the Red Lipstick Mafia performing at The Grove in L.A. yesterday.

The world is definitely a different place without Dick Clark in it, because there's no such thing as New Year's Eve anymore and all balls have lost the will to drop (my thoughts and prayers are with those who are stuck in puberty forever....Justin Bieber). But for Shirley MacLaine the world really is a different place without Dick Clark in it, because she no longer has to worry about his dogs getting bitchy with her dogs when she walks by his house in Malibu. At the premiere of her new movie Bernie, Reuters asked Shirley if had any thoughts on Dick Clark's death and she didn't even try to pretend like she's broken in the heart about it.

"Well now I can walk past his house in Malibu and his dogs won't attack mine. That's one good thing."

HAHAHAHA. I love this act of memaw bitchery for two reasons: 1) Shirley is and will always be Ouiser. You can't take the Ouiser out of the Shirley! 2) Did Dick Clark take his dogs to the grave with him? Dick's dogs are still and well, right? I hope so and I really hope Reuters is there when Shirley walks by his house in Malibu and nearly chokes on her cuntified words when his dogs run out to mouth shank her dogs.

via The Globe and Mail & USA Today (Thanks, Daniel)